SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone care to share songs from their partner’s affair that drove the knife in deeper?

I don't know if it dug the knife deeper, but like 6-7 months post-D-day it occurred to ask my husband if they had any song that were special between them. (Of note, the fact that I - the self-professed question-asking cross-examination world record holder didn't ask this question until that far out, suggests to me that it's the kind of detail that would necessarily be front-of-mind). He said no (and I believe that as my husband is not particularly sentimental and we don't even have a song that I would consider 'ours'). I then asked if there were any songs that reminded him of her or their A, and he said that there was. It's "Dosas & Mimosas" by Cherub. Definitely not an A-related song from a lyrical analysis perspective He explained that she had introduced him to it to him in the lead up to the A and he had liked the song enough to put it on a playlist and had listened to it a lot during that period of time. By the time I had asked this question, my husband had already deleted that Songza playlist because he didn't like that the song reminded him of her. This wasn't really a devastating revelation for me, as it wasn't a song that held any special meaning for me and I felt like he had been honest about it, which was the important part (it would have bothered me obviously, if I'd noticed him playing the song on repeat during the aftermath of D-day for example). Fortunately, there's enough explicit language in the song, that it's not a song that it is going to come on the radio unexpectedly so I'm safe in that regard. I actually just listened to it for the first time in a number of years and I didn't feel anything, so I guess I'm okay.

The one song that DID really bother me in the aftermath of D-day and for some time thereafter was Dancing On My Own by Robyn. His A started about a year after we had purchased our old fixer-upper Century house and for whatever reason (I can't recall how it came about), that song became our "pump me up painting" song and we played it every time we were starting work on a project. I remember being at a friend's wedding during a time when the A had already started and my husband and I cheered and went nuts on the dance floor when the song was played. Sometime after D-day I buried myself in more renovation projects (haha great time to take a crowbar to your kitchen wall!) and my husband was like "wait, you need the pump up painting song!" and he put the song on and I remember listening to the lyrics and thinking about the fact that I had been so oblivious while they were happily together and it made me trigger so hard. I actively avoided the song for a hot minute but I eventually muscled my way through it because just like you weren't going to let your wife's AP take the Dixie Chicks away from her, I wasn't about to let her have my pump up painting song.

Edit: Meant to add:

You could also look at it as funny. This piece of trash embraced the pop music equivalent of ear wax. Uncle Kracker is for guys who think Kid Rock is too high class.

This was my first thought too. At the risk of upsetting the Uncle Kracker fans in the group (do those actually exist?), I'd happily let him have Uncle Kracker.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 8:49 PM, Wednesday, November 8th]

SS33, AP tried to lure WH to a Petty show in Baltimore!
I told him if he had gone I would have immediately filed for D!
Petty is OURS. Bawled when he passed.

AMEN!

Our first date was to a Petty concert and our first kiss was during American Girl at that concert. If he had tainted Petty, there'd be absolutely NO coming back from that. NOPE. NO WAY. And yeah, his death hit me harder than any other celebrity death. It was such a blow.

I get a big ol' hand squeeze whenever this one comes on:

Well, yeah, I might have chased a couple women around
All it ever got me was down
Yeah, then there were those that made me feel good
But never as good as I feel right now
Baby, you're the only one that's ever known how

To make me wanna live like I wanna live now
I said yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Of note, the fact that I - the self-professed question-asking cross-examination world record holder didn't ask this question until that far out, suggests to me that it's the kind of detail that would necessarily be front-of-mind)

This this this. I was trying to figure out why I was balking at suggestions that InkHulk's W was lying by omission and this is it.

BUT if she was keeping it secret like a private memento that she was savoring or something, and thinking "I hope he doesn't ask me about that," that's not cool. That's not being transparent.

I also believe that timelines and details are not something that the WS should hand over without them having been requested by the BS. Some people don't want all the information. Some do. I'm the latter type, and I often wish that I didn't know all of the details. More details = more triggers, especially with music.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:10 PM, Wednesday, November 8th]

At the risk of upsetting the Uncle Kracker fans in the group (do those actually exist?)

That just gave me a hell of a laugh, thank you for the pick me up

That just gave me a hell of a laugh, thank you for the pick me up

Anytime. I know you're a long way off from this in this moment, but hopefully you can get to a point one day where you can tease your wife about that time she risked her marriage for Uncle Kracker's only fan.
.
.
.
.

When you're ready......(and no rush... if you need to have a trigger day, you are fully entitled to one).
.
.
.
.
I think the fact that she was hiding something that she knew would hurt you is probably a bigger part of this than you appreciate. I'm not riding you for your patience during her "extended" disclosure on this (this conversation has be DONE enough and this is not the time for that- I absolutely know that), but I do think it's probably worth mentioning TO HER that this is information that likely wouldn't have hurt you as badly HAD YOU GOT IT CLOSER TO D-DAY. The great thing about complete disclosure - particularly early on- is that you're not finding new reasons to be hurt years out when you should be focused on trying to heal. We all agree that that there is a wrong and a right way to take bandaids off, right? #teamrip

Just another perspective (not popular here), but I absolutely regret asking and receiving answers for some of the things from husband’s cheating years.

I agree with this in theory. I do think there BS's can get to a point where they are asking questions just because they are pain shopping and want an excuse to be mad. I don't think you're there though. I also can't imagine KNOWING that there is an answer to a question that you've asked that your spouse doesn't think you should know because they believe that the answer is too hurtful and then making the decision to say, "YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT. KEEP THAT ONE TO YOURSELF. I"LL JUST SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WONDERING."

Not to give anyone ammo for pain shopping, but if your family uses Apple Music - it builds an annual playlist based off your listening habits for each year. It seems to save itself for all eternity. Browsing through my wife’s playlist tied to the affair year was tough… I also made a lot of assumptions about it all that probably weren’t even affair related.

Your wife is progressing at a glacial pace, indeed, InkHulk. I'm sure you'll have the full truth and she'll be showing signs of true remorse at around the same time octopi evolve to be the dominant intelligent species on Earth.

But as to your question, I really lucked out with music. One of the things that tipped me off to the affair of OW#1 was that I found a mix CD of mostly Bohemian folk music and a few super cheesy-sounding but modern love songs in Polish, none of which I am ever likely to encounter in the course of everyday life.

Fortunately, I'm not triggered by the sound of polka. How ridiculous would that be?

DoofusMcDoofus:

I'm also a huge TypeO fan... I probably blasted "Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty of Infidelity" on many occassions.

12 years and this one still gets me. When JM moved home for our false R, he played this song for me called Wave on Wave. The chorus was something like "It came upon me wave on wave. You’re the reason I’m still here. Am I the one you were sent to save? It came upon me wave on wave." Said it was our new song.

Then, when false R blew up and I called OW’s number, that shit played as her ring back tone. (Or whatever it was called when somebody could make you listen to music they picked instead of just hearing the phone ring.) I’ve never once heard that song again. I told him if I ever heard it again I’d smash the shit out of whatever device it was paying from.

As much as I love him and am thankful he pulled his head out of his ass it still blows my mind some of the stupid things he did and said.

My UHs nasty AP sent him Stay by Sugarland.

Listened to Alter Bridge and Type O Negative. Both are a bit hard rock for my taste, but damn if I didn’t feel it still. Thanks to ImAChump and DoofusMcDoofus (we really need to have a personal empowerment and self love conversation around here).

A song I can rock out to on this is Blame Me, Blame Me by Anberlin.

The more I think about it, music seems like the best way I know to truly convey a feeling. Either a song or a novel. Songs are more efficient.

Martha Divine by Ashley McBryde is another rage against cheaters song. I guess my Country music tastes are showing. Say what you will about the twang, the genre really captures these emotions well.

Your wife is progressing at a glacial pace, indeed, InkHulk. I'm sure you'll have the full truth and she'll be showing signs of true remorse at around the same time octopi evolve to be the dominant intelligent species on Earth.

There are all kinds of signs, and unless you selectively read my posts you know it. She ain’t a finished product yet. But the growth in the last six months is genuinely impressive. Trying to think of what else to say, but I have to go to work. I genuinely hope you are well and happy today

It’s not a disgusting affair anthem at all but I think Greg Puciato may have been in a bad place once. The lyrics suggest he could even be among us. The song is ‘never wanted that’. Turn it up to 11.

Never throw off your halo
You won't be getting it back
Pitching stones from your cradle
Defensive on the attack
If your heart's still bleeding you're mine
I never wanted that
Every word kept breeding more lies
I never wanted that

[Verse 2]
Do we stay or can we go?
That's not for me to decide
Let it breathe so we can grow
Or else we get stuck in a fight
Have the strangest feeling I'm tired
I never wantеd that
And you found my dealings unkind
I never wantеd that

[Chorus]
If you call and I'm not crying
Don't tell me I'm empty inside
I'm alone inside my castle where we tried
All the photographs that I took
They're driving me out of my mind

[Chorus]
If you call and I'm not crying
Don't tell me I'm empty inside
I'm alone inside my castle where we tried
All the photographs that I took
They're driving me out of my mind

[Bridge]
Out of my mind
Out of my mind
Out of my mind

[Chorus]
If you call and I'm not crying
Don't tell me I'm empty inside
I'm entombed inside my castle where we died
If you call and I'm not crying
Don't tell me I'm empty inside
I'm alone inside my castle where we died
All the photographs that I took
They're driving me out of my mind
I'm entombed inside my castle where we died

HF.. The song, "Stay," was ridiculous. Like..stay?? Bitch,where? You've got a husband at home. Pretty sure my husband wouldn't be welcome.

I'm rolling.

Funny thing, is the last part of the song is the affair partner telling him to just stay with his wife because she can't be strung along anymore. She sent it to him just a couple of days before D-Day so I guess that really backfired on her because he sure the hell did stay with me and went NC on D-Day.

The apple playlist each year is certainly a gift from the gods. I found that years playlist very traumatic at the time. I’m not so sure how I feel about it now.

However with hindsight she recommended some absolute rubbish. In some ways had he gone on to live his best life with her, knowing he had to endure that music would have been a gift to me.

Fortunately, I'm not triggered by the sound of polka. How ridiculous would that be?

I am giggling this morning to the thought of the limbic system kicking in to the sound of tubas and accordions.

Regarding my wife, remorse, and my patience:

What I believe is true is that my wife has been cruelly ruled in her entire life by toxic shame, as described in resources like Healing the Shame that Binds You, Complex PTSD, Brené Brown, and probably others. It’s not hard to see where it would have come from in her past, so as a friend of ours says, she came by it honestly. This has run incredibly deep. It’s generational and embedded in her FOO culture. And as a side note, I think this is me as well, manifest differently, but still present. Out of that, she totally fucked up. She made the choice to cheat, zero passes being given here.
I believe in her goodness at her core. I believe it as strongly as I believe in my own. She is not wallowing in her brokenness, but pursuing diagnosis and healing.
Full disclosure has been excruciating for her, I genuinely believe it. I’m not backing off from it because of it, her choices have been 100x worse to me and I will chose my own long term good over sparing her this short term pain. But I do believe it’s really hard for her.
Again, I also strongly agree that at this point she should be telling me what I ask for, not more or less. My brain is going to be the arbiter of what it needs to calm down and find peace. Not a counselor’s opinion or rules, not her fears or even desire for absolution by confessing, and not SI’s standards. I don’t want to look back and say "I wish I didn’t know that". So far I wouldn’t say that about anything. I have stayed away from most of the explicit sexual details and I hope to keep it that way, so far so good there. I would rather slow play this and right size it than ring a bell I will regret for life.
My wife is making some really amazing progress, genuinely. I am also healing well and growing in trigger management and digging into my own childhood trauma that impacted our marriage dynamic. And we are still having hard times. I’d love it if that both/and could be a little more embraced here. I’m not asking for you all to ignore red flags as you see them. But if every time I’m hurting I get told this should be my last straw, that’s an over reaction.
As always, I’m so grateful to you all. Maybe go listen to Heart They Didn’t Break by Maddie and Tae if you’d like a sense of the emotion I feel for you all right now.

InkHulk said:

Listened to Alter Bridge and Type O Negative. Both are a bit hard rock for my taste, but damn if I didn’t feel it still. Thanks to ImAChump and DoofusMcDoofus (we really need to have a personal empowerment and self love conversation around here).

A song I can rock out to on this is Blame Me, Blame Me by Anberlin.

The more I think about it, music seems like the best way I know to truly convey a feeling. Either a song or a novel. Songs are more efficient.

"Lover" is more on the soft side of Alter Bridge but I hear you. They are one of my favorite bands and I had heard that song many times but the lyrics never "spoke" to me until after D-Day. Then I cried and played them for my wife. Much like you say, I use music to convey a feeling (partly because I have a speech disability) and I have played many songs for my wife since D-Day. Some "land", some don’t.

Brief aside: thanks for your concern about my handle (and DMD). I took it based on a "Lady" who can’t be named here and I use it humorously in saying "yes, I made all those mistakes" (many find her off-putting with her "non R stance but she gave me a lot of clarity) not out of a lack of empowerment or self love.

Along with playing that song, I gave my WW a 25 page "Impact Letter" that explained EXACTLY how her cheating made me feel and the damage it did. "Bleeding out" and "this house has been broken" capture that well. Now 16 months after D-Day, a lack of empathy and not "doing the work" has me at another place. There is another Alter Bridge song that captures this. It is called "Watch Over You" and is about addiction and codependency. I think both apply to my WW.

IH, it is a ballad and search for the acoustic version on YT (should be more to your taste):

Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love
I try to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go

And who is gonna save you when I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone not yourself?

And who is gonna save you when I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

And when I'm gone who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?
I can't go on let you loose it all It’s more then I can take
Who'll ease your pain?
Ease your pain

And who is gonna save you when I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you?
And who will give you strength when you’re not strong?
Who'll watch over you when I've gone away?

Snow is on the ground
Winter's come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone

I do think it's probably worth mentioning TO HER that this is information that likely wouldn't have hurt you as badly HAD YOU GOT IT CLOSER TO D-DAY. The great thing about complete disclosure - particularly early on- is that you're not finding new reasons to be hurt years out when you should be focused on trying to heal. We all agree that that there is a wrong and a right way to take bandaids off, right? #teamrip

I am in no way disagreeing with this. It’s an offense that she lied to me multiple times, and that she has slow played me so much. She should have fucking told me everything up front and we would be almost certainly be so much farther along and able to focus more of our efforts on personal growth rather than affair damage control. I’m looking at my present state and the future and judging my best course of action here, not retroactively blessing past sins. She took us to the brink multiple times with her approach to this. To anyone reading who needs to confess, do not take my wife’s approach as a blue print for success. From reading enough here, I would say she would have destroyed R for easily more than 50% of betrayed partners.

I agree with this in theory. I do think there BS's can get to a point where they are asking questions just because they are pain shopping and want an excuse to be mad. I don't think you're there though. I also can't imagine KNOWING that there is an answer to a question that you've asked that your spouse doesn't think you should know because they believe that the answer is too hurtful and then making the decision to say, "YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT. KEEP THAT ONE TO YOURSELF. I"LL JUST SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WONDERING."

Completely agree. This is a clear cut red line for me, a moment that would be exactly akin to my moment with my father. If she does that, it ends right then and there.

I saw someone post recently (edit to say it is ihatelying) about both their MC and her WH’s IC saying her questions were "obsessive" and blocking her getting answers. It boiled my blood. Fuck them. He doesn’t get to lie and obfuscate and then win because he did them successfully for long enough. Fuck that to hell. You make your own choices for your own traumatized mind and heart.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:38 PM, Thursday, November 9th]

I don't know if they had a particular song that they considered theirs, but certain songs/bands will forever be linked to their LTA in my head.

One of the posts I saw on his FB page after I joined was post she had made of The Doors Back Door Man. He shared it and wrote "Sorry ______ I just had to share" her response "You can share anything you like." It's a song about being the other man which is something he clearly was proud of. He was playing a Doors CD the first time we kissed and their song Touch Me was always special to us, or so I thought. "I'm gonna love you til the heavens stop the rain. I'm gonna love you til the stars fall from the sky for you and I."
Right. Needless to say I cannot ever listen to them again.

AC/DC has always been and still is his favorite band. We've seen them live together several times and yes they put on a hell of a show. During discovery I found a sweatshirt in a gift box hidden away she had given him. It was from the show we saw with our son and daughter in the summer of 2015, and we had tailgated before the show. Post Dday I asked if she had been parked anywhere near us, were they texting each others location and did she stroll past us so they could have some kind of stupid rush. He denied it but I know if I were a married cheating w***e I'd make it a point of walking past my AP and his clueless wife. He also had thought nothing of spending 2 grand on tickets for that show which had infuriated me because of the financial abuse going on and I had been made to sweat out every dollar I spent. Scratch them off the list of what I listen to.

The song Run to You by Bryan Adams.
"She's got a heart of gold, she'd never let me down
But you're the one that always turns me on
You keep me comin' 'round
I know her love is true
But it's so damn easy makin' love to you
I got my mind made up
I need to feel your touch"
I can't change the station quick enough when this comes on. The lyrics are super triggering.

Stevie Wonder's Part Time Lover, a cheerful little song about infidelity that grocery stores just love to play.

In the months following Dday I paid close attention to what he was listening to. Music and lyrics speak a lot and carrying meaning. One morning he was listening to a playlist and song after song to me sounded like it was a playlist he might have made to listen to for the times he drove to see her. One that stood out was Perfect Strangers by Deep Purple, which is a song about reincarnation however the lyrics "And if you hear me talking on the wind you've got to understand we must remain perfect strangers" hit me as a reference to their secret relationship.

I know that much of what I listened to post Dday played into what I was feeling and many songs became a soundtrack of my progress so I have no doubt certain songs he listened to and probably still does were a soundtrack of his LTA.

Yeah, Run to You is every bit as sleazy as Follow Me
The fact that these songs exist speaks volumes to me that people do not understand the true impact of infidelity. That it is glorified this way in popular culture…