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I’m so sorry, I know how painful it is. It is scary at a year and a half out because when it is terrible, which is a lot, it seems like this is definitely going to last forever, the pain i mean. I can sit back at times and realize it will probably get better. But when it is a year and a half out and it still seems so bloody painful it is hard to imagine that changing. It is like the realization is sinking in that this awful feeling will be with you for the rest of your life. Yes, maybe it’ll get better but the essential horribleness of knowing these facts is not gonna change.

Also, I have been feeling it intensely this week. We have upped the frequency of our « questions », which is really mostly just talking about the cheating, to every other night. This was WS suggestion, which I guess is an improvement from how it used to be where he would never have offered this up. I think it is maybe trickling up right now because of the holidays. Day after tomorrow everyone is going to be sitting around waxing on about how family is the most important thing. And some part of you is going to be thinking « obviously not that important to SOME people… »

Maybe you will rise above. I just would like to skip thanksgiving. Such a joke. Can’t really do that to my daughters though.

Anyway, hang in there. I am sorry it is so hard. I always thought sexting was something kids do. I obviously now realize nothing could be further from the truth. I got to the point of just repeating « how could you? » tonight. I generally dont ask that b/c it is rhetorical. But I just couldn’t help myself. He started to get slightly defensive and I asked him to acknowledge that he should be able hear my anger and sit with it and remain in a state of support. He managed to pull it together and do that. Baby steps…

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 4:25 PM, Wednesday, November 22nd]

Ink, Stiil,

Don't be surprised if your questioning isn't finished. What your - our - WSes did was horrendous, especially if you want to R. The answers were so awful to me that I couldn't take in the info and its implications the 1st time around. The big questions I asked again and again. And again and again. For years the Thanksgiving road trips were occasions on which I asked big questions that I feared I was forgetting the answers to.

Thanksgiving has a lot of grief and bitterness for me. We almost always traveled to my home town for the holiday, because my 90+ year-old mom lived there, and it was her favorite holiday.

It was on the Thanksgiving trip in 2010 that I realized something was very wrong with my W. Every other song played on the radio for 1,000 miles (each way!) was Taylor Swift's 'You Belong With Me' while my W was trying to reach her 'client' on her phone. What a terrible trip!

Then my mom died the day before Thanksgiving 3 years ago, because Covid 19 made her eat alone in her apt in assisted living, and no one knew she was choking on her lunch. (Well, yeah, the place gave her a call button, but she was too proud to wear it, which was part of her feistiness and charm. Seriously. Besides, life hadn't been fun for the previous 5 years. Mind you, she was fine until she broke her shoulder and lay on the floor for 18 hours - more refusal to wear the call button or remove decorative area rugs from between her BR and bathroom - which forced her into assisted living, made her give up her car, give up weekly bridge sessions, seeing friends, etc. As she lost her friends, she said, 'I have to make younger friends,' and she did. See? Charm, if you like feisty. )

Now we're only 800 miles from home with son and GS. It's still our favorite holiday. Despite our misfortunes around Thanksgiving, despite what's going on in this world, we still have much to be thankful for.

It's eminently possible for us to comprehend both the good and the bad in life. It's eminently possible to know that even while Thanksgiving is heavily impacted by a d-day or other recent grief within the past few years.

As Pearl Buck used to say (translated from Chinese), we eat a lot of bitterness in life. If that's what's top of mind, there's no getting around it. Feel the bitterness, but know that you can get past it and probably will - but it will take longer than you think it should.

First, huge hugs.

Now..I guess this is the progress you say you're seeing? That she will be honest,if you ask a specific question..and you're in front of the MC?

The thing is..if she was doing the work to become a safe partner, she would volunteer this information. You wouldn't have to ask specific questions. And it wouldn't have to be with the MC in front of her.

Has she ever written a detailed timeline? You shouldn't have to be very specific, to get the truth. Not at this point. Not if she's doing the work she claims she's doing.

Also..since this is her M.O....she will always have secrets with OM. Because it will be impossible for you to ask all the very specific questions,in order to have the entire truth. She will withhold certain details,simply because you didn't ask *that* particular question. Which means she continues to hide things from you.

Have her write a very detailed timeline. Then polygraph. The only question you need to ask is.."are there details,secret you are purposely withholding from your husband?"(people here are telling you is natural to forget things, because it was a LTA. They're right. But, purposely withholding information is a whole other thing. )

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:58 PM, Wednesday, November 22nd]

There was nothing particularly mind blowing to me, probably a situation where my imagination was worse than the story she told me. But I still just feel dragged into the emotional sewer.

Hugs to you InkHulk. This is hard. I think MC is emotionally exhausting at the best of times, but it sounds like it's particularly tough for you guys, way to power through. Strength to you.