BS Together for 15 years, married for 10 on D-Day. D-day 1/28/21, 44-day affair. D-Day that is was physical 6/18/21.

Help

I have probably asked a variation of this before but I need to ask again.

How did you stop seeing who he was, what he did, and how he acted? He's definitely made good changes and a lot of progress, but at the end of the day I still just can't see past his past, who he was and the things he did. Then I just get angry all over again. Did it just take you a specific amount of time? Was there something your unfaithful spouse did that helped you see past it?

I can just be doing nothing and then I get flashbacks of a time he lied straight to my face or said something terrible or did something terrible and then I'm gutted all over again as if it happened again.

I want this to work out but I just wonder if it's a deal breaker for me. And I just can't accept it yet.

Sometimes I feel like the only way I'm going to get over this is to get back at him. Where I feel justice has been served and we even the score. But I could never, it's not who I am or want to be. So then that just leaves me to assume I will never be able to get past this, forgive it, and move forward.

Any feedback? If anybody overcame this and reconciliation is good, I would love to hear feedback.

9 comments posted: Friday, October 20th, 2023

Advice needed.

I am struggling hard. I am struggling between wanting my relationship to work and realizing I may never feel the same way about him.

I need some honest feedback. The passionate love I had for him is gone. Can It come back ? Did It come back for you? I think that is what has me most depressed. Is that I don't love him the way that I used to. And I'm scared that I never will. But I'm also yearning for that passionate loving feeling again.

I guess I'm looking for some positive reconciliations. Looking to see if anybody had that passionate, loving love come back.

For some context, I am 2 years and 4 months past original D-Day, and 14 months past the final D-day. I'm still so angry, and sometimes I find myself not caring if he's ever happy again, not believing he deserves it. Sometimes I find myself being fine with putting him through hell just to stay with me. Because I live in a hell every day. And that's only fair right? I know all of this is wrong, I do but I just don't care most of the time. This has really fucked me up. I hate who this has turned me into. I am drowning.

8 comments posted: Saturday, May 27th, 2023

Do things ever come back?

How long did it take you to not be repulsed by sex? Anything sexual in nature be it in books, movies, social media just repulses me.

How long did it take to stop constantly thinking about them having sex? Stop being so angry about it?

I just feel so stuck.

12 comments posted: Friday, March 17th, 2023

Struggling

I'm so confused by what I want. D-Day was 1/28/21, last D-Day was 3/2022. I want this work out. He is doing all the things I have asked. However his insecurities have only gotten worse. He would occasionally through out our entire marriage accuse me of cheating. Even thought some porn videos he came across were me in them. I can't even make this crap up. Anyway since he has been caught it has been so bad. They are not outright accusations but he just makes these comments insinuating he thinks I'm doing something. There are times he will spend hours going through my phone while I sleep. I did put a stop to this though as he has struggled with porn on top of everything else so I told him I'm not comfortable with this as he could access it on my phone.

Anyway I'm beginning to think I'm not reconciliation material, that may be this was a deal breaker. I don't think I can ever reconcile with the fact that he slept with another woman. I'm still so angry. At times I feel like I don't even love him anymore. But I am unsure.

A huge part of me just wants to deal with it because I'm not letting his stupid choices take my kids from me 50% of the time. And maybe by some miracle him doing the work will win me over again.

I just don't think I want to be with someone who could do this to me. I still picture them together all day long. It's constant. How can I accept that he did this to me. Traumatized me, hurt me so bad with something that will never go away? How will I look at him the same? How will I ever not look at him and feel disgust, and anger?

The little things that used to bother me send me to 100 now. I can't tolerate him. I'm easily annoyed by him when we have small talk. If we fight about something non affair related I still manage to work that in and throw it in his face anyway. I think that may be because I still don't feel safe. I feel like it's perhaps a slap in the face after what he did that he have any complaints. I know that's not the right path to reconciliation but I'm just not ready to address what he thinks are problems considering I don't even know if I can't accept what he did.

I know none of this is fair to him, but what he did wasn't fair either. He recently said he wanted to be wanted and desired too, and all I could think was "Cool, buddy, if you wanted to be wanted and desired by me you would have never cheated. You lost that from me. Oh well. Get over it."

I don't feel like I'll ever let him live this down. Again, I know it's not fair but I don't care if I make the rest of his life just as miserable as he has made mine.

Anyone relate? Or felt this way at one point and it got better? I honestly hope for that, just unsure I'll ever be able to accept this crap.

9 comments posted: Sunday, November 13th, 2022