SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone,

I don't know what to do. I (36M) jave been married to my WW (35) for 5 years, together for 8. We have a beautiful daughter (3). I long thought our marriage was strong. We would have regular date nights, I'd write her personalised cards reminding her of my love for her at least weekly. I loved her, and I think a bit of me still does.

However, a few months ago, I noticed her growing more distant, picking fights over petty things, etc. She would always refuse when I tried to initiate, which rarely happened historically. I initially attributed it to stress - she had been working later hours at her job, or so she claimed -, but she became so irritable. She became less attentive to our daughter, and wouldn't acknowledge my small gestures of affection, and began treating the cards like they were nothing, when she used to relish them.

Then the bomshell hit. A few days ago, came home from work a few days ago to my wife sitting on the couch alone. She wanted to talk, and I didn't know whether to feel relieved or terrified. She said her mum has our daughter, which was the first major shock. She told me that she's been cheating on me for a few weeks now. I still don't know who. Needless to say, my entire world was destroyed in an instant. I'm fairly certain I was close to having a panic attack, which has never happened before. She stated that she was feeling as though I didn't love her like I used to, which left me baffled. I've always tried to be an attentive husband, and up until recently we've had no major issues. If she felt emotionally or sexually neglected, she never mentioned it. She always seemed satisfied.

I'm still flummoxed by all of this. My mind is a wreck and I feel as though I could burst into tears at any time. I wouldn't want to reconcile if it wasn't  for our daughter, but since the revelation she's become even more hostile, and is trying to blame me for her A, which I've told her I won't tolerate. I told her that adultery is a form of domestic abuse toward me and our daughter, since she may now have to be raised in a broken household. That very thought is enough to shatter my heart completely. She dismissed it as hyperbole. I've never seen her so callous.

Does anybody have any good coping advice?

Sorry you're here. A lot of people cheating try to blame the BS. That’s how they cope with what their doing. 100% this is not your fault. She is in an affair fog, and she won’t seem or act like the same person you married until she comes out of it. Also, there’s no reconciliation possible until she’s out of the fog.

You said what you want, what is she saying she wants?

Has she said she will break off all contact?

I could be wrong, but it sounds like it’s someone from work?

Did she refuse to tell you who it was?

The coping part is really hard, but it does get better with time. Everyone is different, but for me I felt better when I initiated the hard 180 (click on the healing library link). It took me a long time, but once I started living life under the assumption it wasn’t going to work out, I started feeling better. My wife and I "reconciled". Our version of it anyways, but I still do what I call concurrent planning. When I think of the future I think of one future with her and another future without her. That way I can look forward to my future regardless of any selfish decisions she makes.

You really need to find out who the guy is and if he’s married. Affairs don’t do as well when they become public.

[This message edited by Legatus at 8:39 PM, Saturday, March 29th]

Start by reading "Women’s Infidelity: Living in Limbo" by Michele Langley. She has a website you can download from.

The two books (easy reads) might give you some idea what you’re up against.

They’re not good news. Sorry you’re here.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry - infidelity is the worst. There are some posts that are pinned to the top of the thread that we encourage new members to read. There are some that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that are also great resources. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information, too.

I suggest IC (individual counseling) for you with a trauma-informed counselor. Betrayal trauma is no joke. Practice lots of self-care and take care of you and your daughter. If you're having trouble with anxiety, depression or sleep, please see your doctor for some meds. Also, please get tested for STDs/STIs. There are some really nasty diseases out there and she has put your health at risk with her behavior.

Your WW (wayward wife) trying to blame you for the A (affair) and re-writing marital history is classic behavior. She can't be the bad guy, so she makes you the bad guy. The A and all of the decisions she made leading up to the A are 100% on her.

You can't R (reconcile) by yourself. If your WW doesn't want to work on becoming a safe partner, then there isn't much to work with. R is a lot of hard work and both partners need to be in, and you can't drag her through it.

So sorry.

I’m so sorry for you. I hope my insight can help you.

Why is your cheating wife angry? Here are my thoughts.

You are standing in her way (via marriage) and preventing her from being with her "true love schmoopie" who right now she is infatuated with.

Most cheaters blame the spouse for the affair. Because you are supposed to be "perfect" and a mind reader and give the cheater 100% of what they want.

I firmly believe that the cheater blames the betrayed spouse to ease their guilt in cheating.

I also believe that the cheater was happy and/or content in the marriage until they met the other man/other woman (OM/OW). But then they became interested in someone else (a lowlife piece of crap in my opinion) and 💥 boom, the lying and cheating and affair starts.

I hope this helps you understand the situation you are in. Please do not give her any credit for telling you. I made that mistake with my H — I thought since he told me we had a fighting chance to reconcile.

Long story short he turned out to be like all the other cheaters. Nothing special. Not to be trusted. Typical lying cheating spouse just like the rest of them.

I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation, blindsided by betrayal. I too was in a similar situation as a young husband and father having been betrayed by my 1st "wife".

Listen, your emotions are probably in a tailspin and thoughts are racing. Adrenaline is flooding your system. Its exhausting.

Your "wife" has hardened her heart toward you. For her own incredibly selfish reasons, she has decided to betray you, break her vows, and brazenly throw it all in your face. Try to think clearly. Take her out of this scenario, why would anyone do this? The most plausible in my mind is that she has has decided that the grass is greener with her side piece and and she has steeled herself to callously begin to cut ties with you. She has already started demonizing you with the whole:

She stated that she was feeling as though I didn't love her like I used to, which left me baffled. I've always tried to be an attentive husband, and up until recently we've had no major issues. If she felt emotionally or sexually neglected, she never mentioned it. She always seemed satisfied.

Cue eyeroll 🙄. The gaslighting and blameshifting is straight out of the traitors handbook. She has built it all up in her mind to justify her disgusting betrayal when in truth its 100% on her.

What Im going to advise is going to be hard for you. In your brief post you seem to be a caring guy and this will be difficult:

• Do not chase her. Do not try to nice her back. It wont work and she will use it against you and see it as weakness.

• As she has been living a secret life, do not take her in your confidence anymore. Dont get fiery, get icy. Read up on the "grey rock" approach. You need to look after yourself and your daughter.

• Buy a voice activated recorder and keep it on you when she is around you.

• See an attorney and find out your rights in your state.

• Check your finances and make sure shes not siphoning funds to support her affair.

• Get an std test pronto. You have no idea how long her affair has been going on. Stop sleeping with her.

• Get a paternity test done on your daughter. This is not just for you, its for your daughter who will be filling out family medical history forms for the rest of her life.

• Read here in the healing library, specifically about the 180 and enact it.

• Pour self care into your life: i.e. exercise, nutrition, sleep, therapy, etc.

• Please read this thread - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663153/behaviors-that-are-not-helpful-productive-for-newly-betrayeds/

I know this is a lot. The problem is that she is already way ahead of you and probably has a plan in place. She may well use any altruistic tendancies that you have against you and the altruistic gets rolled almost every time in my experience.

A couple of references that may help steel your spine are, "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "The Way of The Superior Man".

Your "wife" has unceremoniously thrown you into the deep end of this pool of shyt. You are going to have to find your strength.

Keep posting here.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:12 PM, Sunday, March 30th]

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:20 PM, Sunday, March 30th]

There is a mystical manual called the Cheater’s Handbook. If you stay on this forum long enough you will see that your wife is a garden variety cheater. On page one of the first chapter of the book is the WS claiming they cheated because of their spouse’s behavior. It is so common it would be laughable if it wasn’t so heartbreaking. Don’t fall for it.
Now is the time to consult a lawyer and see a doctor about some medication‘s for anxiety and sleep. Those will get you through the worst times and then at some point you can give them up once your life settles down a little bit. Don’t try to handle this on your own because it’s impossible. People who are blindsided like this feel like they’ve actually been shot. It is that powerful to your body. You need to look after your health because stress is cumulative and it can cause permanent damage. Look after yourself and your baby. She’s evidently moved on and it was just so nice of her to let you know. I hope you realize I’m being sarcastic there.

Many thanks to everyone here for your advice, and for directing me to suitable resources. I'll be reading the Cheater's Handbook later. I'm trying to implement the grey rock strategy.

I was able to see my daughter today. My heart broke into pieces knowing WW decided to jeopardise her upbringing. She's truly revealed herself to be a vile Human being. She's staying at her maternal grandmother's for the next few days. WW's mother supposedly didn't know the truth as to why WW left the little one with her. She was acting wary initially. She claimed WW said I cheated on her (complete falsehood), and I corrected her. She's still in disbelief.

I've begun to collect my thoughts today. I still don't know who her AP is, but I suspect it's a specific person from her workplace. A few months ago, I spotted on her phone a text message saying "see you tomorrow ;)" from a coworker she's mentioned in passing several times. I didn't think anything of it at the time, and I'm still sceptical as to whether or not it's him. The winking emoji is what gets me, but WW has mentioned other colleagues on occasion, too. I don't think she's mentioned him disproportionately, so I didn't think anything of it. Plus I foolishly trusted her. I'll be ordering a GPS tracker online, and I intend on putting it on her car so I may determine where she's going during her "late hours". It'll be proof for the divorce, if I find anything.

I've decided I'm not willing to reconcile with her. She's deceived her own mother, myself, and potentially damaged our child's formative years. I don't want to be with somebody capable of that. I'll be contacting every divorce lawyer in the county I can get in touch with to prevent her from using them. I'm going to make this hard for her.

She's been a bit less hostile to me today. I told her to leave the house by the end of April, and we argued quite fiercely. I said she's lost the right to call our daughter hers. I somewhat regret it - it was too harsh, and it violates the grey rock strategy -, but I think it brought her out of the fog a little, even if for a moment. She's seemed more sullen since, but I told her it was merely a fraction of what she made me feel.

I'll be contacting every divorce lawyer in the county I can get in touch with to prevent her from using them.

Don’t do this. Judges tend to view this as tampering and do not take kindly to it. Keep it reasonable. Limit it to three or four of the best in your area.

I'll be reading the Cheater's Handbook later.

The Cheater’s Handbook referenced here is mythical, inspired by the eerily similar patterns of behavior displayed by most cheaters. And it’s why much of the advice given here is effective. When we refer to cheaters being garden variety or nothing special, it’s because, well, that’s what they are. They’re using the affair and the affair partner to make themselves feel special, when they’re really just selfish and entitled.

Sorry you are going through this shit show in your life that you had no idea about.Cheaters use the same classic example as your wife,mine said the same things.Trying to blame me for her actions said I didn’t appreciate her enough which was a lie since we both did everything together and spent time with our daughter as a family should.women especially brew these thoughts up in their heads to justify their actions and perpetuate the spouse as being the bad guy .Your wife like mine jeopardized your daughters future and how things will never be the same again for her.Cheating is the most painful thing a spouse can do to their partner it destroys a bit of your soul to what you thought your life was and would be in the future.At the moment I’m going through a divorce and hope to be off of this roller coaster soon.Good luck,you are not alone.

I said she's lost the right to call our daughter hers. I somewhat regret it

Try very very hard to never say anything like this to her again for the obvious reasons. Dont give her any ammunition to use against you. I recommended using a VAR around her and it does not preclude her from doing the same.

That said, its hard not to let the rancor burn inside and then give vent to it but you need to resist that impulse. Practice the grey rock approach with her with as consistently as possible. Become a vault that is locked tight when it comes to her. Hard to do I know but it is needed.

Yes, get a good attorney and review your rights in your state asap.

A major factor in infidelity is the fantasy.
Normally we talk about the fantasy that the WS is in – the luuuuuvvve... the excitement, the drama, the nobody-understands-me, the we-will-live-happily-forever, the it’s-all-your-fault and all that.
Well... We betrayed people sometimes drop into fantasy too – and I think I see signs of that with you.

Best way to deal with infidelity is through reality. Omit the fantasy.
You included.

For one, cheating on you does not change her status as your daughters mom.
You and her divorcing will not condemn your daughter to a life of misery – UNLESS you both work at making that true. What makes more sense is for the two of you to coparent as efficiently as possible. That doesn’t require socializing or being friends – but maybe 10 years from now it would be best if you could both attend your daughters violin recital without trying to kill each other.

In the UK her infidelity won’t matter an iota in divorce. Not in division of assets, custody, child support, spousal support...

In the UK – with a 5-year marriage – the divorce is probably very predictable. Chances are that you can do it sharing one solicitor. Same with custody, child-support and all that.

If you are decided to divorce, then I suggest you do some research as to how it would look like. That probably includes talking to a solicitor. Once you have a picture of what to expect and if I’m correct that this could be rather simple and done through one solicitor, then let your wife know your intentions. If you want to D and the outcome is pretty clear and predetermined (by law) your best option is to get this over with as fast and cheaply as possible.

I’m going to suggest a couple of things while this is blowing through.
For one, this isn’t something one of you "wins". He mom won’t throw her out or make her wear sew a red A onto her clothes. I think people that are considered stakeholders in the marriage should know, but only if they ask. As for others – it’s your call. But its not like after 10 days you both will be scored and one declared the "winner" in this soon-to-be-over marriage.

Remember – they cheat despite us, not because of us. You have NO BLAME and shouldn’t accept blame for what happened.
Focus on YOU. This is a trauma, and it will take you time to get to grasps with it. If you are decided to divorce then expect anything from 8-24 months before you start to feel "normal". View it like some physical injury where you might become semi-mobile after a couple of months, but need physiotherapy for a year to fully recover. Only this is mental and emotional injury.

Finally – Since you are focused on divorce and/or she seems focused on her affair then don’t waste any time on relationship-issues.
Why spend the energy and feed the pain?
Like... If she says that she cheated because you weren’t attentive... Rather than argue then calmly say something like "Sorry you feel that way. Were we both committed to reconciling this would need to be addressed, but seeing as you are still committed to your infidelity and I am focusing on ending our marriage I don’t really see any need to go there." And then leave it at that.
What this does is a couple of things: It keeps you out of pain. The pain of her telling you why it’s all your fault and all that. It stops feeding her fantasy. That will frustrate her – and seeing as how you want some form of revenge then that might make you feel a little better.

Hello. So sorry you have to go through this. It's a pain like no other. I am a few months down the road from d-day, so my experience so far might not be of great value to you, compared to what you might get from more experienced members. Once this happened to me, I wanted to understand how. My loved one, who just up until meeting the AP stated he loved me more than anything, that I was the love of his life, had all of a sudden completely changed the narrative about me and our marriage. He had become someone else entirely, and in that moment all I knew was that I had to get away. The marriage was over. When it happens to you, it's so dark you can't see your feet in front of you. There is no path forward then, only an abyss. Because to see someone I felt so safe with, change just like that, is the most nightmarish terror I have experienced. Some call it the "affair fog". There is some debate about that term, as some people feel that it excuses the behavior. I see it more as an explanation of the behavior, not to be conflated with excusing it or implying that the unfaithful was not in control of their actions. I think when infidelity is revealed, there is a cocktail of all kinds of conflicting processes going on in the brain at the same time. I think the blaming is just a tactic to justify their actions, a lie that they have told themselves, so much so that they started to believe it. I refused all my husband's attempts to blame it on me and the relationship, all though it felt hopeless and like talking to a wall. You can't reason with feelings, and when the unfaithful is deep in the fog, they are wholly goverened by them. I told him that if he really felt that way, he had been living a lie before, and I didn't believe that that was the case. Very quickly (a few days) he had to admit that I was right. That our relationship WAS good, that he did love me. And he started to have moments of clarity, which eventually ended up with him coming out of the fog. By that I mean that he stopped lying to himself. And after some more time his limerence for the AP vanished, and made the idea of reconciliation possible. It was the worst time of my life, and an extremely painful process to go through. But from the moment he told me about his emotional affair and his feelings for this person, I had a feeling that it would end eventually. Simply because I had faith in what we had and that it was real. I couldn't believe anything else. So I did to some extent take a waiting approach, to see how it would unfold. I spoke the truth, about our marriage, our life, the way I saw him, the way I saw this affair. That was the only thing that kept me sane during this time. People who are unfaithful have a tendency to minimize the consequences of their actions. I made sure to hammer it into his head, especially the impact on the kids. This is my story as of today. I'm not telling you this because you should take it and project it onto your own situation, which is easy to do as infidelity stories have so many commonalities. I think the lesson learnt is that this experience is full of twists and turns. I didn't know it was humanly possible to feel so many nuances of darkness and pain, and that eventually rays of hope could come through it. In the beginning every new day I woke up was a torture. I thought I would never feel anything good ever again. Now I have hope that I might, and having been to the deepest emotional hell that infidelity causes, that's not a small thing to be able to say. I hope for you that you will find your way through this horrible time!!