The Lying
I’m going to try to find the right words for this.
In so many threads, BSs are enraged by the continued lying by their WSs. The lying hurts reconciliation (whatever that is).
Many reasons are ascribed to the WS continuing to lie.
But perhaps the number one reason is that the WS is trying not to lose their BS, trying not to hurt them further.
I suppose that’s two reasons, but then they’re reasons one and two.
But not wanting to lose your BS, not wanting to hurt them, is a good thing, isn’t it?
When a BS learns that their WS was lying about something, is it the lie, or the truth that has been revealed, that is really the problem?
Do BSs believe that the lying is manipulative, they’re being manipulated into reconciling, that if they had the full truth, they might walk?
The WS doesn’t want to lose the BS, but the BS isn’t so sure they want to be kept.
It’s not the lying that threatens reconciliation, it’s the truth. The lying threatens agency.
In so many sources, waywards report that "affair sex" was the best sex of their lives. Lots of reasons for that.
How many "reconciled" BSs were told by their WS that sex was better with the AP? I’ll bet that number can be rounded to zero. How many ask? That truth threatens reconciliation. Better lied about.
So in summation: please, WS, lie about some things, just don’t let me catch you. There’s only so much truth I can take.
27 comments posted: Monday, March 31st, 2025
The Right Little Tap
A jeweler studies a raw stone. Looks at it every which way, under high magnification. Finds the tiniest little imperfection, a microscopic crack. Puts a tiny little chisel there, gives it the tiniest tap with a little hammer, and the diamond, the hardest substance on earth, splits open.
Maybe my WW had a tiny imperfection, a tiny little crack; and the right tap split her open.
Maybe I, too, have a tiny imperfection, but I’m lucky and haven’t gotten the right tap (yet).
Be careful. Boundaries.
0 comment posted: Saturday, March 1st, 2025
Would getting dumped hurt less?
So, my WW cheated. I confronted her with undeniable evidence. She denied (basically, "space aliens must have put that stuff in my suitcase").
So I arranged to find them together. And the usual pain, drama and misery followed. We stayed together, I think a big mistake for both of us, but I don’t regret the mistake. We subsequently had kids and very pleasant lives. Not as much love as I would have wanted, but, you can’t have everything, can you.
But supposing WW had done things the right way, the ethical way so often mentioned. Suppose she had come to me before she had ever found herself attracted to the AP, and said, "I want a divorce. No, I am not cheating; no, there is no one else. But I want to get away from you so I can look for someone else." (I appreciate she might have only become unhappy with our marriage when she found herself attracted to the AP, but give me some latitude, here.)
Would that have hurt less? I think it might have hurt more. There are still vows being broken ("till death do us part"). I can’t decide if it is still a betrayal. We all say that cheating is never about the BS. But getting dumped is undeniably about you.
My WW stayed with me. Whatever her reasons, I couldn’t have been all bad.
I think if she had dumped me, I would have felt all bad.
34 comments posted: Thursday, February 27th, 2025
Should society punish cheaters?
De. Sooners posted in another thread:
"Side note, I do wonder if society did take this incredibly hard stance on cheating and no one ever reconciled or dated a known cheat if it would help to reduce the instances. Does the existence of R actually keep cheaters around. If they knew it would 100 percent without doubt ruin their romantic future, would cheaters still exist? Who knows."
Now, if this has been beat to death, point me to it; I don’t know how to search.
Leviticus and Deuteronomy (I refer to these not as religious texts, but as historical documents), both written perhaps 3,000 years ago, took a very dim view of adultery and punished it harshly.
Why?
Some possibilities:
1. If we punish it, it’s less likely to happen to us. Maybe. Why do we care so much? Should we care less?
2. Adultery can lead to violence. Maybe. But if adulterers are getting beaten up, who cares. They’re going to be stoned, anyway.
3. Adultery confuses paternity, inheritance, primogeniture, etc. perhaps more important then than now.
4. Adultery often produces abandoned women and children who must now be supported by the community, which would rather not. Still a problem.
Many US states will punish an adulterer in a divorce, although in only a few is adultery a crime. And if a crime, usually a misdemeanor. Ahh, but the public shaming.
What should society’s position be?
18 comments posted: Saturday, February 15th, 2025
