SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is pretty common here to see infidelity follow upon significant weight loss for the WS. Think about it. It’s pretty heady stuff. New body image, getting attention and noticed by the opposite sex, new clothes, etc. Same with cosmetic surgery. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Stay the course.

Justsomeguy thank you for sharing your story it is very inspiring I hope to that I can find peace in this someday. My parents are still with me and I’m so thankful for that as they are so supportive of me also helps I’m an only child but they are trying to figure out ways to help me to keep my house and buy her out. I think it’s a long shot but hey it’s something to strive for I guess gives me a goal to shoot for as I’d like to keep my children in the only home I think they really remember as our son was maybe 3 when we built it. It’s funny how fast things change with moods with her she was put on a different medication for high blood pressure that she lost a lot of weight taking. She looks amazing and knows it problem is I think is messing with her head I did some reading on the three she is taking and together can cause some crazy side effects. I mentioned it to her but she shrugged it off and with the weight loss I doubt she quits taking it but she has only been this different person since that switch. Maybe that’s it maybe it’s not but as I haven’t engaged with her now she is trying to be decent so idk I’m still watching my p’s and q’s though.

My wife was put on a new (to her) anti seizure medication with a list of negative side effects and a reputation for causing aggression, anger, and changing personalities. She also lost a significant amount of weight and was/is looking pretty amazing. She did become more aggressive and argumentative, and her personality changed. I do think it influenced her in a bad way. But here's the thing, once her affair was brought to light and she was dragging her feet about going NC with him, I made phone calls and set up appointments with divorce lawyers and real estate agents. Once I put divorce on the table and she knew I meant it, suddenly some of the more negative side effects just kinda melted away. She's still taking keppra and has been an angel for the last several months now.

I think some meds can influence a person, but they're overall still basically in control. She knew what she was doing was wrong, and she wasn't completely out of control. She's proved that with her attitude post d day. I think meds can be a factor, but they're not an excuse.

And yes, sudden changes in appearance, especially weight loss, do seem to go hand in hand with infidelity.

Over the last 2 years Bigger has gotten lesser by over 50 pounds.
Still only getting and showing THAT sort of attention to and from my wife.
No interest in having my weight-lost verified in a romantic way by others, although I do appreciate positive comments from coworkers and friends.

Bigger I do agree I myself have lost almost 80lbs now. Women don’t seem to say things to men like men do to women or at least not that I’ve seen or encountered. The place my wife works at is probably 1000 men to about 50 females and she has to deal with them all everyday being 1 of 2 nurses there. I get it is not an excuse but it’s just an endless barrage of testosterone that she has never encountered before nor looked like this before. She definitely learned the hard way as our kids will suffer from this and she is an amazing mother but live and learn guess she wanted them to have exactly the same childhood she did only difference is I won’t just leave my kids I will support them and be there any way that I can.

The most painful realization in this situation is that you cannot negotiate for the truth. You have provided her with every safety net—offering to work on the marriage if she’s honest, paying for the polygraph, and giving her months to come clean—and she has used that time to refine her excuses rather than her integrity.

​Here is why your decision to divorce is the only logical path left:

​- Honesty cannot be "Extracted": You’ve seen now that even a polygraph cannot make a liar honest. She found a loophole in the testing process (the "sniffle" excuse) because her priority is protecting her image, not healing your heart. If someone is willing to manipulate a formal exam, they will manipulate a dinner table conversation for the next 20 years.
- ​The "Moving Target" Strategy: You mentioned that every time you turn, she "changes lanes." This is a defense mechanism called DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender). By making you the "monster" to her therapist and friends, she is creating a narrative where her lies are justified. You cannot reconcile with someone who is actively rewriting history to make you the villain.
- ​Respect Follows Truth: She currently views your desire for the truth as a weakness she can exploit. By filing for divorce, you are stopping the "policing" of her life. You are essentially saying: "I no longer care what the 'real' story is, because the person you’ve become is not someone I want to be married to."
- Protecting Your Children: You mentioned being scared of losing the "home they remember." However, children remember the atmosphere of a home more than the walls. Growing up in a house where the father is a "detective" and the mother is a "defendant" creates a toxic blueprint for their future relationships. By leaving, you are teaching them that self-respect is more important than staying in a dishonest environment.

​Stop looking for the "full story." The full story is already written in her actions: she hid her phone, she blamed your drinking, she wore the thongs, and she sabotaged the test. That is all the evidence you need. You aren't "losing" your home or your 17 years; you are buying back the rest of your life. At 41, you have decades of peace ahead of you that can only begin once you stop trying to solve a puzzle where she has hidden half the pieces

The full story is already written in her actions: she hid her phone, she blamed your drinking, she wore the thongs, and she sabotaged the test. That is all the evidence you need.

Spot on.

She could have been honest and forthcoming. But she doesn’t want to be.

As I often say here at SI it’s not the affair that kills the marriage. It is the behavior of the cheater after Dday that kills the marriage.

At 41, you have decades of peace ahead of you that can only begin once you stop trying to solve a puzzle where she has hidden half the pieces

I think having some peace in your life will far outweigh the sadness of ending up Divorced. You will be happier. Your kids will be better off having a you as a parent who is not stressed, crying and having emotional meltdowns due to a cheating spouse.

You need to be prepared for the day your STBXW decides she doesn’t want a D. I suspect that day is coming when reality hits. I’m not saying whether you should take her back but you need to consider her behavior towards you post Dday and whether she really loves you or she’s doing it for other reasons (keep her lifestyle or financial reasons or it’s temporary until something better comes along). She may try to manipulate you w/ her crappy reasons (kids etc.) but please do not feel obligated to take her back.

Only R if you believe you will be happy and have the marriage you deserve and want. Do. Not. Settle. Under any circumstances.

Well, now you know the truth. She has lied multiple times, tried using anger to manipulate, tried everything to avoid the poly. She knew she was cornered and had no way out

Now it's a business transaction and you need to protect yourself. I would openly record every interaction on a voice recorder. It's not unheard of for a woman to claim domestic violence and the police will typically side with the woman, order the man to leave the hous, force him to relinquish any firearms, and he has to prove his innocence.

Hopefully by now you have printed out hard copies of every Financial account and have them stored somewhere safe.

You are in for a rough ride but at least now you know where you stand

[This message edited by WB1340 at 5:31 PM, Sunday, January 11th]

Once she sees that you are moving forward with divorce, and doesn’t see it as being a bluff, she most likely will turn on the waterworks, exclaim her undying love for you, confess everything etc. you’ll hear all the things you wanted to hear from her yesterday, last week, last month.
The problem is, is any of that real at that point? Or is it a matter of "oh shit I don’t want to lose my lifestyle!"
Right now she chose herself, over helping you with the pain she has caused. You already know she’s a lying cheater who lies.

"She definitely learned the hard way as our kids will suffer from this and she is an amazing mother but live and learn guess she wanted them to have exactly the same childhood she did only difference is I won’t just leave my kids I will support them and be there any way that I can."

Just to be clear, 'amazing' mothers don't cheat on and abuse the father of their children, and put the fathers well being and health at risk. Kids need their dad well, she put that in jeopardy. Not all that amazing.

Just to be clear, 'amazing' mothers don't cheat on and abuse the father of their children, and put the fathers well being and health at risk. Kids need their dad well, she put that in jeopardy. Not all that amazing.

Agreed.

Parents set a good example, which your wife failed spectacularly. Cheaters can't be amazing, great, good or even satisfactory parents. Your wife seems like a person that needs to work on self-control first. She couldn't control food intake in the past, and now she appears to be monogamously challenged. She's in the "needs improvement" category, if not unsatisfactory.

Worriedhusband - I haven't read the whole thread, I reread some of your beginning comments though and a few other thoughts occur to me that may or may not be relevant to you at this point.

The main issue to me, at least at that point, and it doesn't look like it's changed, is that she's not open to dealing with this situation and working WITH you to improve it. Her strategy, which is a common one, alas, is to shut things down, shut herself and your comments down, blame it on you and try to bullrush her way past this by just denial and hiding it and shutting it down. Not working with you. This means that marriage no longer becomes a partnership of solving problems, even at this deep a level, with each other. Marriage means you have to be willing to explore the deepest issues, most painful issues not just of cheating but all kinds of things, and work with your spouse to find some mutual solution....or to end it. She's not including you in her equation....her equation ends in a big fat zero. There's nothing to work with there. Even if that was a one time thing, even if it never becames physical....it's the revelation of a pattern to come. You too are no longer close....she has secrets now.

Many years ago, when I was single, I worked in an almost all male environment. I loved it as I do love men, I prefer men to women, in general, and there were guys who were married who were flirty with me, or we were attracted to each other. One in particular I could have seen something happening. But we both shut it down - not talking about it, but I think we both recognized it and stopped interacting. If you work with a bunch of guys and you're attracted to one, you shut it down if your marriage is important to you. And if you can't resist being with a whole bunch of guys and there are a lot of men who might prove to be interesting.....then the sensible thing to do is leave. Certainly if you value your marriage. As I say, I like men, and recognize my own vulnerability so I'd leave because I'd value my marriage more. These are the things that show what you really value and what you're willing to do to protect it. It doesn't sound like your wife is that kind of person. At least not now. I don't know if you can trust her in general....not just with one guy, but in general. I would probably exit out of this relationship and it sounds like you're moving in that direction. It's the right thing to do. She doesn't seem to respect you personally or your relationship to do what it takes to save it. It's not something you can just do by yourself, it has to be a mutual effort.

WorriedH

I’m a bit concerned about your posting absence...
Think you are still checking in, but there hasn’t been any update from you for some time, and I think I might know why.

You feel... well... shame? Embarrassment? Hopelessness? Weak? Cornered in? – any series of relatively negative emotions for not being the strong, decisive and firm husband you wanted to be.
I’m guessing that she hasn’t taken the poly, isn’t going to take the poly, still insists she’s told you the truth and is now trying to soldier on acting all normal and insisting you get over it as soon as possible. You desperately want this family, and think that you would be doing so much damage to everyone if you were to stick to your ultimatums.
I guess things have slightly improved. Maybe more sex. Maybe she’s attentive. Maybe she’s trying to get the MC sessions to focus on "the future" and moving on.

If anything is true in the above:
Friend – You do NOT need to feel any shame or any sense of having let us here on SI down or anything like that. We are dealing with real people, real families and real issues, and it isn’t always the sensible, logical, next-step that people take. Sometimes the path out of infidelity has numerous twists and turns, hindrances and blockages. It’s not always clear where to place your next step.
Just keep in mind that your thread might drop down the page and get to page 2. That is generally the beginning of the drop to obscurity. We here will move on to the next person posting their story. You however will still be looking at the same man in the mirror, and the same wife, wondering what really happened...

I want to share one story:
Some years ago, we had a poster here whose wife behavior presented more red flags that can be found in China. The poster had evidence that she had been alone in a hotel room for a whole afternoon with her boss, about a mile from the office, with a day-bag containing lingerie and sex-toys. This is the day after an appointment to get waxed and put on her best clothes to work that day. Add that to texts, pics, e-mails, phone-records, and various other evidence supporting a long-term physical affair.
Wife insisted nothing happened. The husband demanded a poly. He found evidence on her computer about searches on how to beat a poly and found a new receipt for sedatives in her purse. Some think that by being heavily sedated, you can beat a poly. (Note: the operators are trained to notice these things, and will – just like your operator did – stop the test).
She failed the poly. Still, nothing happened. Took another one a week later. Failed.

The husband kept posting for maybe half a year. His wife was all moved on, never mentioned the affair, still insisted nothing happened (I personally have never had any use for a but-plug in my office environment, but who knows...) and drowned the husband in attention and affection. Yet he was miserable. That was so clear in his posts. His advice to others reeked of pain. Eventually he stopped posting.
Many that get guidance here – irrespective of the end result of R or D – continue posting and even paying it forwards by offering their advice to new posters. This guy didn’t, possibly because he didn’t have anything positive to share.

I guess they are still married today. Or not. I don’t know.

What I do pretend to know is that if he still feels he doesn’t have the truth then there will ALWAYS – ALWAYS – ALWAYS be a wall of resentment that will prevent him from ever feeling content in his marriage.

This concerns me...
I personally think marriage is the most important union you enter in life. Some say it’s kids, but kids are different. That’s an obligation, a duty, and in some ways a duty with a due-date. Parent successfully and at 18-24 your kids are individuals that at best want your advice, but make their own life decisions. Marriage is a choice, and if done correctly ends the minute you exhale your last breath.

I would consider my life... well... less well-lived... if my last breath followed some thought based on resentment for a life of lies.

Imagine this scenario:
You and your wife some decades into the future, sitting on your deck in rocking chairs wrapped in blankets, waiting for the nurse to wheel you in. You look at her and think "thank God I remained with her, despite her affair", and she thinking at the same time "thank God he remained with me despite what I did".
Or... You are thinking "Did she?" and she is thinking "Got away with it..."

--

I would suggest the following:
If you are still going to MC then bring up the following.

You had planned on making the poly the defining moment for your decision regarding the future of the marriage. That she didn’t take the poly is causing you immense pain.
That you haven’t left or filed... Shouldn’t that be confirmation enough about how much you WANT this marriage? How divorce is amongst the LAST things you want?
Make it very clear that the issue is not really what they did. Did they have sex, did they kiss.... that’s not the issue. The issue is that you do not experience that you have the truth.
This tells you that she doesn’t trust you, and this prevents you from trusting her.
That you don’t know what environment she’s entering every day she goes to work.
She can claim she isn’t seeing OM, but why should you trust her, seeing she doesn’t trust you.
Why shouldn’t she be seeing OM if this was all so "innocent"?

It’s these issues and these questions that make you realize the marriage isn’t really sustainable. You two could remain together, but it will NEVER be a good marriage. The questions will be there constantly – it’s not as if you will stop wondering what really happened. That there will never be trust because you never had the truth.
THIS is the pain you are experiencing. That the marriage is like a leaking boat – that the energy you need to place in emptying the water from the boat will delay any progress towards any destination for the marriage, and eventually sink it.
You can share that you might not have the courage and determination to pull the plug now, but that you don’t see a happy future either. IF she want’s progress then the only thing she can do is share the truth and do what is needed to convince you that she is being truthful.

Bigger your right about it all I haven’t been posting but have been checking and the last few posts were a bit harsh. I understand people have a right to their opinions but I don’t agree with her being a bad mother because of what she did to me. I didn’t file your right we started with a new MC and I am still hopeful this one is way more involved. The defensiveness has gotten much better and we are able to talk now we have been more attentive to each other and she has been open with her phone. Yes I could be making a mistake but I did tell the MC about the poly and the outcome and how I feel and she is pressuring her as well as I need the truth to move forward. I guess I stopped posting because I don’t need all the negative telling me how I’m just wrong and to divorce and leave should I probably but I don’t want to and I’m going to try a bit longer my attorney is out of town until next week so I’m taking my time not making any rash decisions.

I feel for you and understand not wanting to let go of family. That is honorable. And it is possibly to heal, but really that healing can only genuinely be founded on truth. Don't give up on truth and don't give up on her being humble.

And I trust your new MC is a betrayal trauma specialist. That is so very crucial. They look at these situations through a different lens than "normal" MC's.

There is a lot of passion on this site that can be seen in the stance and posting of many contributors. When you read anything that get’s to you – be it in a positive OR negative way – I suggest you read the same posters last 10-20 contributions. Enough for you to understand where they are coming from.

I also suggest you don’t ignore any poster – even if they are coming from a harsh or hard place. It’s more IMHO an issue on how you weigh their contributions. Over the years I have read thousands of posts I don’t agree with, but very few I thought completely off or wrong.

For what it’s worth I don’t equate a person’s decision to cheat to bad parenting.
Yes – it’s an act that will impact the relationship between the parents, but I have never seen divorce as automatically resulting in a worse environment for kids. I think kids are a lot more sensitive to their environment than we give them credit for. I am 100% certain your kids know you two are having issues. I think that SENSIBLE parents that divorce tend to have the understanding that a mutually respectful relationship as coparents is better for the kids than a forced and strained marriage.
I actually think the stance expressed above is more to do with the eternal debate on sites like this that can be framed in the mantra "once a cheater, always a cheater". Using the same logic a 5 year old Bigger earned himself the moniker "once a snot-eater, always a snot-eater", despite not having tasted that delicacy for decades.

A couple of tips to consider in MC:

Amnesty: Tell your wife that no matter what she tells you then you commit to working towards reconciliation for the next 90 days. Point out that as-is your doubts are eroding your belief in progress, so this is a better offer. She shares EVERYTHING about what happened and you won’t be talking separation or divorce, but will do your very best to appreciate the honesty and work from there.
Vision: This is an exercise my wife and I did after a tough spell. We visioned how we wanted our future to be. Did this in relatively broad terms. Like we wanted to have the option of retiring at 60, wanted to be debt-free by 50, wanted to travel, wanted to balance workload at home. Wanted to keep the spark alive. Wanted to be safe at home... Then we set off on how to reach these goals.
One of the goals we had was honesty. We don’t keep secrets from each other. Not on the big issues. What this means is that if she’s unhappy with something I do (or do not do) she speaks out and I listen, and vice-versa. We remember that the goal isn’t to "win" an argument, but to help us reach our vision.
If you two have a vision, it would become very clear to her that neither can reach it without the necessary disclosure. Or... if she is telling the truth already... your acceptance of it.

Thank you bigger Like I said things have been better we have been able to talk lately and it doesn’t turn into an argument and she genuinely seems remorseful. The new MC we met with together once then we have each met with her separately and in a week we will meet together again. I met with her first now while I was talking to her she started to tear up which threw me off a bit but she said that she is her husband’s second wife and that he had been cheated on by his first so she completely understands where I’m coming from and what I’m struggling with. I told her the events and the timeline my wife gave me about it and about the polygraph and how I was feeling her response was that she felt she was sitting in a room with a young version of her husband and saying exactly what he had told her about his previous marriage. I didn’t discuss much with my wife how it went with her as she went right after me and I took our son to baseball practice but my wife knows I’m still not doing well with it and is standing behind her story we will see in the upcoming session what comes of this but since my wife and I are talking better and not arguing our children are noticeably doing better and that is helping me. My wife is applying for a different job and I’m hoping she gets it. The pay would be less but the piece of mind would be helping me and I’ve told her before that everything we have we have done basically on my income anyway and that I’d rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable only time will tell what’s to come.

Your talk with your new MC sounds very hopeful. I think it's a very good thing she has at least some periphery experience with infidelity, and she seems to really understand where you're coming from. That's great.

FWIW, while I brought up putting divorce on the table, I never held the position that you should definitely get a divorce without question. I put it on the table in my situation, but I really didn't want to do it. I wanted my wife to come around and do what she did, and I was very relieved that she did. I was prepared to follow through with it if it came to that, but it wasn't what I wanted, and it wasn't the first thing I did. It is, however, the first thing I did that pushed us in the direction of honesty, transparency, and reconciliation tho.

Pogre I wasn’t referring to you just in general things started to get very negative and it was not helping me so I got off and stopped posting I’m trying to make this work she knew divorce was on the table and it’s the last thing I want but she has thought that’s what I’ve wanted since I found out. I’m really just mentally exhausted emotionally broken and can’t keep arguing so I just started looking for a new MC and that’s when things started to get better it will be our sons 12th birthday this Friday and since her and I have been better so has he I’d like to get through his birthday at least before I rock the boat anymore. Is this the wrong move probably but I’ve been making a lot of them so what’s one more I just want to make his birthday memorable for the right reasons not the wrong. I do appreciate everyone’s input and I’m taking it all in and I’m trying

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with stepping back to take breather, even if you were dead set on divorce. The decision to divorce should come in a calm state of mind and at the least, it takes a few months past DD to even feel some calm.
I can’t remember if anyone has already recommended it to you, but you both should read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Shirley Glass.
Your WW should read it and live it.