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Cooley that’s part of the problem here I guess I was happy I didn’t know anything was wrong she started working at this new job and that’s when things started changing. I didn’t want anything different I trusted fully I didn’t look into anything. That’s maybe where I went wrong who knows but I know I was happy and didn’t want anything or anyone else I understand that things will never be the same and maybe I should go but I guess I’m not fully ready to let go of what I had and hope to get back to.

Whether it’s a list or you just ask her. She doesn’t know any more than you about how a poly works.
The operator will give you 2-3 factors to get answers to. I guess you want those to be the main issues like did they have sex.
But you can use the run-up to the test to ask more questions, because she doesn’t know what will be on the final exam. The key though is that if she passes on the important factual questions you need to accept that she’s probably truthful on them all.
This is the opportunity to get the answers you need, and the only way you can do that is by asking.

In reality it can only answer clear yes and no factual questions. Like "would you want to drive a blue car" would probably be omitted, whereas the question "was the car you drove blue" would be allowed. However if she truly thought the car was brown she would pass with a "no" even if the car was blue.

Is this typical behavior of someone that wants to minimize? Has offering to take the test no matter what become a tactic in not taking the test?

Well... What do we know based on what she shared. No touching, no kissing, met 2-3 times in private otherwise always in a crowd... the real "inappropriate" stuff is the calls. I’m not minimizing – if this is true then this is at least the beginning of an EA.
The big issue is the "if this is true" factor. That’s where the poly comes to play.

The minimizing? IF she passes and IF you two decide to reconcile then deal with that in MC. It’s an extremely rare WS that shows full, real remorse (as opposed to self-pity remorse) right around d-day.

I want nothing more than to keep my family together.

If that's true, you're setting yourself up for failure, IMO.

My reco is to stop thinking about the poly and start thinking about what you want from your W, if you can get what you want from her, and how to get it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:26 PM, Monday, January 5th]

This is your life. If you two can find a middle ground, if she can see the damage she has caused, if you can forgive, then happiness could happen. Life slams all of us at some time or another. My Dad used to say that looking at the gifts we have should be daily. He reminded us all the time that a man complained he had no shoes until he met a man who had no feet.
Happiness is subjected. If it does not harm another then whatever brings you joy should be what you wish for, and work to get, every day.

I don’t know if any of you are following the Buddhist monks walking from Texas to DC. They are walking for peace. Look on Instagram. I guess, in the long run, we all want our version of peace. I hope the new years brings it to you.

This is your life. If you two can find a middle ground, if she can see the damage she has caused, if you can forgive, then happiness could happen. Life slams all of us at some time or another. My Dad used to say that looking at the gifts we have should be daily. He reminded us all the time that a man complained he had no shoes until he met a man who had no feet.
Happiness is subjected. If it does not harm another then whatever brings you joy should be what you wish for, and work to get, every day.

I don’t know if any of you are following the Buddhist monks walking from Texas to DC. They are walking for peace. Look on Instagram. I guess, in the long run, we all want our version of peace. I hope the new years brings it to you.

As I read other posts and what others have been through it is all the same only difference is the taking back the power I’ve asked her to leave and she won’t. I’ve talked to an attorney before the holidays and was told I can’t make her leave I don’t really know what to do. The poly is in two days and she claims even if she passes I won’t change my mind even though I’ve said time and time again that it’s the whole reason I set it up. She said last night she wasn’t going to do it to which I said that confirms your not being truthful. Then I’m met with the believe what you want we will see if she goes through with it as she still claims to be telling the truth. My therapist feels I’m thinking the worst and her story isn’t completely true but somewhere in between but her therapist tells her I need to figure out how to move on. I feel like she has either told her more than she has told me and telling her she has told me the same when she hasn’t or her therapist doesn’t see through her bs story which I find hard to believe. Again I want to try to reconcile but feel I can’t start that with so many unknowns and the other is she still works there which she knows I can’t stand said she is looking to find another job but I’ve seen no evidence of that and being a nurse I know that they have a ton of jobs available. I’m still waiting to hear from my attorney since the new year on my next steps but I’m almost at a loss.

My therapist feels I’m thinking the worst and her story isn’t completely true but somewhere in between but her therapist tells her I need to figure out how to move on.

If it’s a full on affair, the possibilities of what reality is are not at all constrained to "somewhere in the middle". And anyone saying you just need to move on doesn’t understand one iota of betrayal.

My concern with this poly is her attitude going into it. What this SHOULD be is a sanity check on her truthfullness, which you have every reason to doubt. She should be looking for ways to re-establish trust. From the way she is talking, if she passes I think she will regard it as a "I told you this was nothing" moment and expect it to be the end of it. But if she passes, it’s just a check point to whether you even want to start the hard work of rebuilding the relationship. Do you think she understands that? Do you?

I completely understand that but her on the other hand I do not and I’m still not convinced she will even go to the test. We argued last night and it wasn’t good she says she is tired of going over it again and but like I told her she really has told me nothing and wants me to just accept it as I said that’s the point of the poly.

My therapist feels I’m thinking the worst and her story isn’t completely true but somewhere in between but her therapist tells her I need to figure out how to move on. I feel like she has either told her more than she has told me and telling her she has told me the same when she hasn’t or her therapist doesn’t see through her bs story which I find hard to believe.

Due to human nature that is almost always the case. Your therapist doesn't need to know more of your ws story to be able to tell you this.

The poly is in two days and she claims even if she passes I won’t change my mind even though I’ve said time and time again that it’s the whole reason I set it up. She said last night she wasn’t going to do it to which I said that confirms your not being truthful.

That's why we tell people that agreeing to a poly doesn't mean they are not still lying. Its easy to say yes and hope to avoid taking the test. Its a way to kick the can down the road. Typically you get a parking lot confession or refusal because poly's aren't accurate. That it won't make a difference is somewhat novel but it falls along those same lines.

Sounds like she knows she is going to fail and is trying to manipulate you into canceling the test. You have told her this is what you need to try to move forward and her refusing makes me think there is a lot more to the story. If you cancel the test you will forever Wonder what you don't know and if she refuses to go you will forever wonder what you don't know

The not knowing and guessing will slowly erode you. Not a good way to live. Stick to your guns and simply let her know that if she refuses to go you will respect her choice but then you are going to take concrete steps to protect yourself and make yourself happy and that includes divorce

The not knowing and guessing will slowly erode you. Not a good way to live. Stick to your guns and simply let her know that if she refuses to go you will respect her choice but then you are going to take concrete steps to protect yourself

Excellent advice.

The cheater has the CHOICE to submit to a polygraph exam. But for those that decline, it only cements in the betrayed’s mind that the cheater has something (or many things) to hide.

In this case, I suggest stopping all conversations about the polygraph. If the cheater submits to the test, great. If not, it’s obvious that she plans to keep her mouth shut and not be truthful and forthcoming and willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile.

So then the betrayed has to decide their next step. And then inform the cheater.

As I’ve stated here many times, if you must resort to a polygraph test to get answers, then I question whether Reconciliation is really the right option.

Sorry duplicate

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:00 PM, Wednesday, January 7th]

The poly is in two days and she claims even if she passes I won’t change my mind even though I’ve said time and time again that it’s the whole reason I set it up. She said last night she wasn’t going to do it to which I said that confirms your not being truthful.

I’m still not convinced she will even go to the test. We argued last night and it wasn’t good she says she is tired of going over it again.

Hello WH,

These are the exact warning signs I spoke to you about previously that would confirm there is alot more to the story.

Here is the reality:

If what she is saying was indeed true and she had been falsely accused. She would want you to see that. A polygraph is a quick and easy way for her to prove to you that she is being honest. The only motivation not to do it, would be because it will expose the lies.

Red flags include but are not limited to Starting fights, refusing to go, twisting the story and saying your going to leave anyway so whats the point or any other actions that result in her not going to the test. These are merely tactics to squirm out of you getting the truth and her having to face accountability for it.

Again, if she were being honest and she wants the fighting to end about this, that would be a quick, painless and easy way to stop all of this in its tracks and redeem herself and say, see i told you thats all it was!

As I suspected in my previous posts, based on everything you've said, I dont believe your getting honesty at all.

Other red flags are her getting upset when you look at her phone. Shes trying to condition you. If you look at my phone. I'm going to get upset, so if you dont want me upset, dont look at my phone. Shes also trying to condition you not to talk about it by using the same tactics.

In situations like this, for reconciliation to even have a chance, full transparency is required. You should have her phone code, be able to look at anything you want, anytime you choose without her getting upset. If there's nothing to hide, why would this bother her?

I read through your additional posts and I completely understand your mind is all over the place. This is normal. One minute you wanna leave, the next you're holding on for dear life.

Your nervous system is trying to protect you. You dont feel safe with her as you know your being lied to. When I say safe, its not necessarily about physical safety. Its more about protecting yourself from betrayal. Your nervous system doesnt distinguish, it sees it all as danger. Your in fight or flight mode, thats why its all over the map. One minute you wanna leave to protect yourself, the next you wanna fight against it.

Ultimately, I feel this will come down to the polygraph. Based on everything shared, my opinion is shes going to bail on it one way or another. (I hope im wrong here for your sake, but all signs point that way).

If she doesnt go, that will speak volumes. Regardless of what excuse is used or employed. Dont even pay attention to those excuses, they dont matter or mean anything. Its a smoke and mirror show. All you need to know is, did she go to clear this up or did she not go and she is hiding and lying. Its that simple.

Also, you need to prepare yourself for what you will truly do in each outcome. If she takes it and passes, what happens? If she takes it and fails or doesnt go, what happens?

One point I want to make clear here. Even when everything is going right in reconciliation, this is a long and painful road. Ive been in reconciliation for almost a year and a half with my wife of 12 years. She is now honest, remorseful, transparent and supportive and I still struggle majorly every single day. I couldn't even imagine trying to make it work if that wasnt the case, from my perspective it would be impossible.

This didnt happen overnight however, it took months, there was alot of awful before there was any good. But over the first few weeks I started seeing some changes. But it seemed 2 steps forward, one step back. I had to put my foot down hard and leave it planted. I moved out for a few weeks, we had multiple conversations and trickle truth over and over,then I recovered all the messages and made her face the truth and did a polygraph to ensure I didnt miss anything. Once the truth was fully out in the light is when I really started seeing true remorse. Like a spell had been broken, but at least for me it was quite a process that lasted months just on the discovery phase.

The point im making is, what happens right in this moment, doesnt necessarily mean all hope is lost. It may require some drastic measures on your part for her to see the light and snap out of the haze. Sometimes real consequences that they cant manipulate will help with this. She has to know your serious and that she doesnt have the power to manipulate you. Leaving for a night and coming right back, or messaging your sorry will only work against you.

I feel for you deeply on this, i know firsthand how hard all of this is WH.

Good luck

[This message edited by TheBetrayedHusband at 7:36 PM, Wednesday, January 7th]

What are you trying to do?

Friend – It’s like you aren’t reading the advice offered.
In one sentence you are either looking for an apartment (something YOU control) or demanding she moves out (not in your control).
In the next you say you want to reconcile.
In one you are following through with the test.
In the next, you aren’t.

In one sentence you talk about not altering or impacting the family, in the next you talk about actions that inevitably will impact the family...

I totally agree with your wife that she shouldn’t take the test if it won’t affect anything. Like if she’s taking the test, with the car loaded with boxes for her new apartment, or an expectation to go back to an empty house... then why bother? The only person she needs to convince is you, and the only reason she might need that is if she wants this marriage. Five years from now, nobody will give a hoot for if she "only" cuddled with OM, gave him BJs or nothing happened as to a reason for why you two divorced.

I don’t think the test without YOUR participation won’t do ANY GOOD. Nor do I think it will do any good without the proper preparation. If you aren’t going to have the results affect your decision in any way – then don’t bother.

You need to have asked her the key-questions that bother you, and you need to know her answers. The operator needs to know the questions to build his questions from. You won’t be allowed in the room to witness the procedure.
Imagine this scenario: You ask your wife if she had sex with OM and she says "no". Operator doesn’t know what she has said previously so when he asks her (with you not around) and she answers the same question with a "yes" she passes the poly (assuming the had sex). As has been pointed out the poly measures honesty much more than truth. For you to get anything out of a poly, you need to have your questions and the answers to them, and the operator needs to know what YOUR key issues are, and what answers she’s told you so far.

I want to make three suggestions – three possible strategies:
The worst one – but still better than what you are offering yourself, your wife and your family right now – is that you simply DECIDE to divorce and then act on it. Whether you move out or she isn’t the big issue, since chances are the house will be sold and you both move out eventually. Plus, with the decision and the initial steps it creates you could possibly do an in-house separation.
Only be clear on what D is... It’s like a termination of a contract, and the participants are no longer bound by that contract. You can drink and the fired former spouse has no say, you can paint any room any color without her input. She can date the cute guys at the refinery, and you can’t say a word about it.

When I say this is the "worst" option I’m not saying divorce is worst.
D is a very valid way out of an unhappy marriage, and even if you two were to do your best to reconcile your marriage could end in D anyways. It’s more that I don’t sense this is what you want.

The second suggestion is:
Give yourself time.
I think you could benefit from some professional help to deal with the trauma life has shoved down your throat.
You can tell your wife that for NOW you are focusing on yourself and your health. I don’t want to make too much of your drinking, but friend – why were you drinking 2-4 mixed drinks each day? What were you escaping from? Stress, unhappiness, anxiety? Totally 100% irrespective of your marriage or the future of your marriage – tend to your own happiness and mental state.
Tell her that for the next 3 months the two of you will cohabit – but that until you are capable of resolving your emotions regarding her behavior with OM then the future of the marriage is on hold. For those months you are OK with the marriage being mehhh... You can coexist, be amicable and friendly, do family-stuff... but that is time you will use to rebuild YOUR strength and decide your future.
If she truly wants the marriage, she can show that during this time by being accountable and so on, but she’s also totally free to go date OM, gripe about you to friends and all that. She only has to understand that while you are focusing on your health, you are also evaluating if being around her is healthy for you. Her actions over the next weeks/months will have a lot of input on your decision about your future.

The third suggestion:
Take the test – both of you. She the one that answers the question, you as the one defining what questions you need answered.
Only... BOTH be very clear what happens if she fails. Be equally clear what happens if she passes...
If you do this then you need to have asked her the questions that the operator will build his questions on. To help you here are some questions that the operator can use to construct his questions:
Since you started working at ACME Refinery have you cuddled with OM.
Since started working at ACME Refinery have you kissed OM.
Since started working at ACME Refinery, has OM kissed you.
Have you made out with OM.
Have you given or received oral sex with OM.
Have you intentionally stimulated OM in a sexual way
Have you sexted with OM
Have you shared erotic digital content with OM
Have you had sex with OM
Did you tell other people about your relationship with OM
Did you get encouragement from other people regarding your relationship with OM
Since I learned of the relationship, have you had contact with OM in any way – even professionally
Since I learned of the relationship, have you had contact with OM in any way on any non-work related issue
Are others at work that know of this relationship.
Does OM wife know what was going on

Add whatever you feel a need to get answered. Be clear to YOURSELF what the key issues might be (but don’t let her know). When you talk to the operator let him know what you need to know, give him the list with her yes and no answers and leave the rest to him.

So I talked to the tester on the phone today asking questions to understand this better. I did give my wife a list of questions that I would like answered all questions I’ve asked and she has not answered numerous times or given clearly vague responses to which she said she should be done with tomorrow the test is Friday. I plan on going she on the other hand has now said that she is not because it will make no difference and to believe what I want to believe. The operator of the test said that we are going to sit down and she is going to be told what the questions are before the test and that we have to discuss my interpretation of what I feel that means like did you send inappropriate texts to each other what inappropriate means to me so that she is answering it to my definition I guess. Now as far as the drinking I know I was drinking to much but it really hadn’t gotten as bad as it was until she started her fling and I guess I didn’t know why I was being shut out I asked numerous times and was always told nothing so I made a drink knowing damn well it wasn’t nothing. As soon as D day happened and she told me why she did it I poured out everything and haven’t had a drink since and don’t intend to either way this goes I’ve found I don’t miss it or need it so don’t plan to start again. I’m still trying here if I leave she is threatening me with abandonment of my children but when I ask her to leave she won’t claiming the same thing. I’ve given her the questions she doesn’t answer them says she will do the test then two days before saying she won’t. Bigger she is messing with my head and winning. I have a personal therapist that I’m talking to who sounds a lot like you do so maybe your both right and everything I do is wrong I’m trying to do the right thing but every direction I turn she changes lanes and counters that. I did look at trying to move out but I’m not losing my children because my wife cheated on me was I drinking to much yes but it was after I was home for the evening after taking our son to baseball every day that is the real reason I believe she had an issue is that I was focusing so much on our son and not enough on her.