SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Many on here know me…..I have avoided this site for a few months because we reconciled in Sept…I let him come home after convincing me he was doing all the work and if you remember the whole "Covid " excuse how Covid had crossed his brain barrier and caused a personality change. I bought it. He has a neurologist and this is confirmed but his story of a " summer of escorts " dday1 was not the whole truth. DDay 2 I found porn and escort sites after a business trip and threw him out . He insists it was porn only- using the escorts sites as porn. he went 90 meetings in 9- days He was a new man, a better man, we could see the changes but still I felt there was more and he continued to lie for 9 months…..I thought I was loosing my mind- I switched therapists, I went to emdr, I found a betrayal trauma coach, he went to his therapist ( lying the whole time of course) I’m in love with my husband of 26 yrs. We have 2 amazing and now devastated young adult children.

now DDay 3 I find out Feb 2025 wasn’t his sobriety day ( after begging him for the truth and consistent check-ins). I asked for a polygraph and he went dark. We have 25 hrs of conversations, good ones, about why poly would be beneficial. How I was ruminating and needed it ….I sent him a video that said a poly would show me empathy and compassion towards my healing……and then he sat down , looked me in the eyes and told me he had a stopper lap dance in 2005 while I was home with our 3/6 year olds ) , and starting in 2019 sex worker massages multiple times a year while on business trips and then 2023 escorts. In his mind " nothing happened between 2005 and 2019- my children’s childhood years when we lived abroad and I thought were so happy, but I don’t believe him, and he was for sure watching porn heavily .

How can I be so stupid? We are deeply in love for 26 yrs…..I beggged for the truth , I have lost my mind….AND he is sick. My kids are devastated. I’m horrible at filtering. I’m humiliated . I was a stay at home mom because we lived in countries where I couldn’t get a work permit…so I supported my executive husband . I have a legally binding postnup. We will be ok but it’s just the wreckage. I’ll take any advice I can get

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 12:00 PM, Sunday, November 23rd]

You're not stupid. You, like many of us, trusted your spouse. You're supposed to be able to trust your spouse. That's how it's supposed to work. Don't beat yourself up too hard.

ah Dammit SatyaMom. I am so so sorry that he has once again betrayed your trust, especially after you have given him so much leeway and room to confess.

I also went through false R for a year, and it broke me when I realized it was indeed false. BUT. But it also made it clear what I needed to do to get off this horrible ride. Didn’t make it easy, but did make it clear. He wasn’t going to change. So I had to.

You believed the man you loved. Nothing stupid there- that is how it should be. So take pride in being a good spouse, a great mom, and a dedicated honest person. These are admirable qualities, nothing to feel shame or stupid for.

Keep with the IC. Spend a little time envisioning what life might be like without him.
And please get another STI test - just in case. :-(

I am so sorry. Sending support and hugs, and reassurance that you will get through this. you have shown how strong you are, and you are going to be okay. (((Hugs)))

Sending hugs, SatayaMom. So sorry that he continued to betray you and lie about it. You are a normal, loving wife and great mom. He's the one who should feel stupid.

Sorry to read this terrible update. I do remember your past posts and I was hoping your gift of Reconciliation was going to bring a happy future for you.

You are not stupid for trying your best to make the marriage work. As you can see now he didn’t cheat because of you. He cheated because he had an addiction or something (as you pointed out) that he just cannot stop lying & cheating.

At least right now you are dealing with more truth than you had. And I’m certain you can tell this has been probably going on for longer than you know and more frequently than you suspected.

You just need to decide where you go from here. I just hope whatever you decide you find peace and happiness. You deserve it (so do your children).

I’m so sorry. Don’t beat yourself up, we’re barely wired to survive this shit, thriving is pretty much out of the question for a good long while.

I worried for a long time that I would never find my line in the sand, that I would accept every bit of bullshit that my exWW threw at me. I bent a long way, and it took a long time for my mind and heart to align. But eventually I found my limit and I got enough alignment and clarity to act.

I just recommend in the strongest terms not looking away from the evidence in front of you. You have a serial cheater, and that is disastrous. To you, to your children, to the hope of successfully rebuilding. Don’t delude yourself, but trust yourself to look on the fullness of it and take the next step that seems best to you.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 10:48 PM, Saturday, November 22nd]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I too found out a little at a time about my WH cheating and lies over many years. I had to demand a lie detector test at a year into reconciliation and the rest came out. These type of behaviors rarely just happen once or in a vacuum. It escalates and once it has happened that hit of dopamine acts like an addiction. However they had free will. They knew what they were doing was wrong. I think if you do have some form of reconciliation it will be a very different sort of relationship. Mine is for sure but we are doing well and he has been loyal since last d day when I found out all of his past and that was three years ago. I know everything now. It has changed me and I no longer love him romantically but we have a good partnership and I am generally happy with him. He is so attentive and such a good partner now. It’s like a veil lifted and he realized what an awful person he was being as a husband. I had to emotionally distance myself to a degree. I will be ok and happy on my own if he does cheat again. For now our partnership benefits me. I wish you the best and it will take a very long time to process this pain. I still have moments of deep sadness.

I’m sorry to see you posting about a dday 3 and I’m even more sorry that you keep finding yourself right back at square one. You’re not stupid. Your WH clearly does not have the ability to be a remorseful, empathetic and safe partner. You’ve given him opportunity after opportunity to show up honestly, and every single time he’s chosen to lie and conceal the truth.

Remember:

Stop taking his words at face value — your WH has shown a long pattern of minimizing, hiding, and drip-feeding you. Nothing he says right now should be treated as fact without verification. He’s had multiple chances — therapy, check-ins, reconciliations, "new man" claims, sobriety dates. And every time, when faced with the chance to be truthful, he chose deceit.

Follow through with the polygraph — sounds like there could be more truths to surface.

Don’t let "he’s sick" override the reality of what he’s done. While he may very well have medical or even mental health issues, he still made choices that harmed you for years. Compassion doesn’t cancel accountability here.

Your children’s devastation is not your fault, but the result of his actions and his choices. You’ve been a wonderful and loving mom — continue to be this person for them.

I truly believe people can change and that people deserve one last real chance. But you’ve already given him several of those. The fact that you’re here, at dday 3 shows that he didn’t use any of those chances responsibly and he continued to take advantage of you.

I can’t tell you what to do as it’s not my place. Only you will know when you’ve reached your limit. Best of luck. Keep posting ❤️

I, too , will express my sympathies to you.

I agree with everyone else when they say " Please don't beat yourself up"

Sending sympathetic hugs.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and not one "I told you so"

I think for me what is most devastating after 1. Formal disclosure and later a second "porn disclosure and history" because, ya know porn isn’t the same as lap dances, massages , prostitutes…….the most devastating is knowing how happy my sweet family was, how cute our precious children were and our life abroad - just us! That while I was in love with my family- and we had it all -no financial worries etc…..he was sneaking around for 20 yrs. I have the sweetest pic of my kids and I that we had done for his desk and we are laughing and having so much fun……now when I see it , I realize it was just us 3.❤️😢

Hardest part I am in love with him. But that is just part of him. The other part is sick.

What he has said is his true recovery began in Feb…..( but he was still watching porn until June ) so was working on it. He did 9- meetings in 90 days …and then his support buddy committed suicide. That’s when porn came back……and he says he has been working on his trauma , and he has a lot, in therapy and with Gabor Mate…..but he was still lying. I can’t wrap my head around it. Maybe it took time? Maybe our reconciliation in.
Sept along with his trauma work is what broke him to finally tell the truth? Thing is his lying was effortless. eFFORTLESS😢

Ma'am, Im so sorry you are facing this. If it helps, I too smoked hopium far too long before it all ended. It takes a LOT of "tread off of your tires" so to speak and is utterly exhausting.

The only good thing, if you can call it that, is that you now know completely and utterly that your husband is lost to his addiction. The dopamine hit he gets from his sex addiction is, in his warped mind, more important than his marriage and family. He now lives for his next fix. Its all on him though, as are the repercussions he must now face. Sadly, erveryone shares in the terrible cost.

All you can and must do now is avail yourself of every resource to stop the emotional tailspin this has caused in your life, level the wings and begin to climb out of the spiral. Though it took me years of work and self discovery, I did just that (I know many others can attest to similar realities). You can too.

Its very hard to leave someone you've loved to the destruction of their own vices and move on, but that is where you are now imo and I wish you strength, healing and eventual happiness in the days ahead.

I hope you will continue to post.