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Dropped her off at work in tears this morning after she wished me... us a happy anniversary and I was less than thrilled about it. I feel like shit.

I feel like shit, but I'm not putting on a mask or a front and pretending that this is still our special day. She wants it to be about the length of time we've been together, but it's so much more than that. It represents broken promises and broken vows to me. We both pledged our loyalty and faithfulness to each other on this day, 27 years ago, and I kept mine. She's the one who made the decisions that led to shattering those pledges and wrecking my world. Our world. Not me.

I'm still in shock and disbelief. I go from being happy that we're still together and that she snapped out of the spell she was under, to despair and devastation that it even happened to begin with. This is unquestionably the hardest thing I've ever been through. She wants to move forward, but I've barely even begun to heal from the trauma of it all.

Yup. BTDT. Not everybody feels the way you do, but a lot of us did.

The one consolation, IMO, is that knowing what you're feeling is one of the prerequisites for healing. Feeling the feelings lets them go. It looks like you're on a healing path.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:13 PM, Friday, June 6th]

I understand completely. The first affair that I actually caught my husband in started on our 7th wedding anniversary. He had to go out of town for a job, met a waitress that night and slept with her every night for the next week. Then he came home for a week and talked about her continuously, and had to go back to her town for another week. Of course they spent that week together! But, according to him, it was just because he was drinking, he blamed it all on the alcohol. Every wedding anniversary is a trigger for me, even 43 years later.

[This message edited by Melanie at 5:15 PM, Friday, June 6th]

@Sisoon. Thanks for the supportive words. I hope I'm on the right path. I feel like we are. She is very remorseful and is really going out of her way to make things up to me. She's called me from work three times now to say that she's sorry and that she loves me. I want this to be a special day, but I'm just really not feeling it. It hurts me that it hurts her, but I didn't ask for this. Thrust upon me and it's one of the worst things I've ever been through. She seems to be resigned to my state of mind right now. We may still go out and get some dinner, but that special day excitement just isn't there for me right now.

@Melanie, ouch. Just, ouch. Alcohol my ass. I hope that you didn't accept that, I'm pretty sure you probably didn't. Until this happened, I had no idea just how devastating an affair could be. Sorry you had to go through that.

Quite ironic that today actually is D-Day. Our wedding anniversary is on THE actual D-Day...

I am truly sorry you are going through this. I am sure others will be alone soon to post.

In the meantime I just wanted you to know you had been heard.

Exwh and I were married decades. If he had chosen to do the extremely hard work needed to be a safe partner (which he declined to do), I believe we would have had to have picked a new day to celebrate. The old would have been destroyed for me with the infidelity.

I do regret the fact I was so easily manipulated, but do now realize that he was skilled in this area (and had very little if any genuine empathy). What he did have a a great deal of concern for himself only and how he felt. Everyone’s situation is different , but this was my experience.

I suppose we do have a new day to celebrate. April 18th marks the end of a very long dry spell for us, and it does sort of represent a new beginning. That's actually not a horrible idea.

It just really sucks that I feel like 27 years was flushed down the toilet. A fair number of couples don't make it that long (my sister's on her 5th marriage ), and it was something I'd always been kind of proud of. We've been together for half of our lives.

I feel like shit, but I'm not putting on a mask or a front and pretending that this is still our special day. She wants it to be about the length of time we've been together, but it's so much more than that. It represents broken promises and broken vows to me. We both pledged our loyalty and faithfulness to each other on this day, 27 years ago, and I kept mine. She's the one who made the decisions that led to shattering those pledges and wrecking my world. Our world. Not me.

It just really sucks that I feel like 27 years was flushed down the toilet. A fair number of couples don't make it that long (my sister's on her 5th marriage shocked ), and it was something I'd always been kind of proud of. We've been together for half of our lives.

Anniversaries are one of the hardest things to navigate on this shitty journey IMO. I was one who found out about my wife’s multiple infidelities (details in my bio) many years after the fact. Even though we have been "married" on paper for 41 years, in reality, we didn’t make it ONE before she cheated. That went on for 20 years. She was in active affairs on our 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 14th, 15th & 16th anniversaries. Discussing their recent 20th anniversaries (both us and her final AP in March of 2004) at a work event was the beginning of her final affair.

So breaking the vows we made on that original day and sullying it multiple times over many years with active affairs, my wife has lit our "anniversary " on fire and taken a big old shit on top of it. She wanted to renew our vows (while still actively lying to me about her affairs) days after D-Day. I just laughed and said "why, they didn’t work the first time?"

I told my wife that day meant nothing but pain for me and I didn’t want to celebrate it any more. On what would have been our 40th, I reiterated that and she got me a "not an anniversary card" anyway. This past year she got me an anniversary card and said "Happy Anniversary" the minute I got up. I made a disgusted face and walked away. It is all part of her selfishness to rug sweep and pretend normal. I would be open to that day regaining some meaning or picking another meaningful day but she doesn’t put in the effort.

So I don’t care if she cries or feels bad about the day. She broke it and she won’t even try to fix it. Your first quote above is spot on and she needs to "own her shit". I also "get" the second comment about "a fair number of couples don’t make it that long". That was also a big epiphany for me. In reality, we "didn’t make it that long" either. Not even a year. It was a sham and I refuse to celebrate a sham.

OP, you feel what you feel and that’s OK. She did this……

ImaChump,

I was going to write a response to Pogre, but you wrote it for me.

That was also a big epiphany for me. In reality, we "didn’t make it that long" either. Not even a year. It was a sham and I refuse to celebrate a sham.

Well, we did make it for over 26 years. This came out of nowhere. It was with 1 person, and fairly short lived. A couple of months of him hitting on her, then they had 3 trysts within a 2 week period before I found out. It's totally out of character for her, and she seems as shocked as I am about it. Tho it's not like it was an accident or a "whoopsie," either...

As it is she seems fully committed to R and very remorseful. She's putting in a lot of work and effort to try and get me, us, through this. She's been reading the suggested books and articles, some of the threads here, and is open to IC and MC, tho we're hesitant to spend the money on it. We're navigating this on our own right now with help from the aforementioned books and articles here, and we've been hysterically bonding for almost 2 months straight now. We've been communicating much, much better than we did before, and it doesn't seem like we're anywhere near slowing down or running out of steam.

I actually do believe she means it when she says she deeply regrets it and that something like this won't ever happen again, but goddamn... the PTSD-like symptoms like hyper vigilance and bouts of anger and sadness I'm experiencing are real. I find myself wanting to know her every move and every conversation. Which isn't really that difficult since she's not driving now and I'm the chauffeur. I take her work and pick her up, and outside of dropping her off for appointments to do her hair or nails we're doing pretty much everything together. She's putting up with it all. Well, more than putting up with it. She seems to understand where my head's at, and doesn't have any issues with answering my many questions or showing me her messages. The books and resources from this site have helped a lot. We're spending a lot more time at home together now. She wants to be an open book, and she has been, with lots of sincere apologizing, reassurances, phone calls from work, and text messages telling me she loves me, misses me, and can't stop thinking about me.

Divorce is something she doesn't want at all, and I don't think it's just an issue of financial security or anything like that because she's the primary earner and we have a ton of equity in the house. If we were to split, she'd be in fine shape to start over. She wants to make this work, wants to rebuild our marriage, and is willing to do whatever it takes. I'm just having a rough time with ruminations, imagined "memories," intrusive thoughts, and reliving d day. That first week after d day she threw up every red flag and every bad sign in the book until I made it clear that divorce was absolutely a very real possibility. That's when she snapped out of the fog, almost overnight, and hasn't shown any signs of backsliding or slipping up since.

She's kicked her AP to the curb, blocked him, and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. She seems very resentful toward him and calls him a piece of shit and a scumbag now. Says she doesn't ever want to see his face again, which is fine by me, but I wish I could stop seeing him with her in my head, damnit. Aside from that, it feels like things are going about as well as they could for R, but I know it's still pretty early. All I can do is keep on keeping on and see how things work out over the next year or so... sigh.

She's kicked her AP to the curb, blocked him, and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. She seems very resentful toward him and calls him a piece of shit and a scumbag now

Of course he is, because the switch is really that quick right?

Doesn't she have more to loss from the life she's built up? So of course while she's on the redemption tour the guy she willingly and energetically gave herself to is now scum etc.

I've thought about that. I questioned her sudden shift. "Now all of a sudden he's a scumbag? You were fucking him just a few weeks ago..." She admits she doesn't want to lose the life we've built together over the last 27 years. She also says she she fucked up bad, realizes just how much she still loves me, sees him as an enemy to our marriage and chances of R now, cries, and begs forgiveness.

I know man. It still tears me up, but im not ready to throw it in and give all that up either.

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:26 AM, Sunday, June 8th]

begs forgiveness.

I know that it is early on, but hopefully this part stops. It is something that has always bothered me.

It's a very, very selfish request. Not only because she wants this for herself, but because, on top of everything, it puts another undue burden upon you. Forgiveness is for oneself; not for the one being forgiven. And, in my opinion, one that should be taken very seriously. There have been so many stories over the years here where the betrayed has *immediately* forgiven their partner, I would assume, out of the fear and shock of their recently discovered betrayal. Were they really forgiven? Highly doubtful. And then are later conflicted because they *feel* that they can't take that back, although that forgiveness was given under duress.

If you ever truly forgive her, then you will truly forgive her. Not because of her request or pleas. Again, you are very early on, and there are many lessons, for both, to learn moving forward. But I just want to put this comment of hers out there.

I've not come close to uttering the words, and I've told her in no uncertain terms that I don't know if I ever will. She just keeps saying she's sorry. It's such a gut punch man. Well, a lot more than that. You hear stories of infidelity and you know it's not a good thing, but until it happens to you, you can't realize just how devastating it really is.

I have a friend who told me he thinks forgiveness isn't really even a thing we as humans can do. It's a concept he thinks we're not truly capable of. You never truly forgive. You just learn to live with it. I know I won't say it unless I really mean it. That may be never. I might learn to live with it tho, and she's just going to have to live with that.

It's totally out of character for her,

Most betrayed spouses believe this, including me, at one point. I think it's the shock. The problem, of course, is that it's not true. If it was truly out of character for her, she would have never had an affair.

If reconciliation is every going to happen, she's going to have to figure out why it is, in fact, a part of her character. Like any other WS, she has to own and fix her shit.

Anniversaries are naturally rough for any betrayed spouse. Our first anniversary after d-day would have been our 10th. I didn't think we (her) deserved to celebrate it. That lasted a few years. So, do what feels comfortable to you tonight. No pressure.

ETA: Forget about forgiveness for a while. That may come, eventually, many years from now.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:37 PM, Sunday, June 8th]

Most betrayed spouses believe this, including me, at one point. I think it's the shock. The problem, of course, is that it's not true. If it was truly out of character for her, she would have never had an affair.

I know what you mean, and I know almost everyone says that. But man, I just... we made it over 26 years and there's never even been a hint that something like this would ever happen before. It was a total blindsided shock. It really did seem to come out of nowhere.

Brother, most of us never saw it coming. We missed the "red flags." Even if we did see it coming, there's absolutely nothing we could have done to stop it. Nothing. Zilch. Nada!

There were plenty of red flags as far as trouble in the marriage. I was neglecting her. She would try to initiate intimacy and I'd blow her off. She'd walk into the living room with no clothes on, I'd be disinterested, and she'd be hurt. I was on SSRIs and they killed my sex drive. Combine that with the fact that we weren't communicating and both of us were unhappy.

There weren't any red flags as far as infidelity goes until her AP started moving in on her and I blew them off because I just didn't think she was capable of it. I did catch on very quickly when the actual PA started. I knew something was up then. I just didn't know for sure what it was until it was too late. I caught her 2 weeks into it. If anything like that had happened before I know I'd have found out. She has epilepsy and a learning disability from head trauma she'd gotten as a baby and can't lie or pull off deception worth a shit. Not that she isn't capable of it, obviously, but she's not good at it at all or I wouldn’t have found out when I did. She can't keep a deceptive story straight to save her life.

I know this is on her. Her shitty decisions led to this. She knows it, too and isn't trying to blame me for it, but there is a part of me that can't help thinking it could have been prevented. She was always faithful and loyal before this. We had great intimacy before I went into a hole and got on those damned antidepressants. They worked for my anxiety, but just made me flat and dull. I didn't care about anything. She was begging, figuratively screaming for attention, affection, and intimacy and I wasn't there for her. We were living like roommates. She was starved for attention and someone showed up that gave it to her. Normally, in the past, she would have shut it down, told me about it, and clung to me. It's happened before. She's a pretty girl. If I had been there for her I really don't think this would have happened.

I've been off of the SSRIs for over a year now and have more or less come back to my former self. We've recently become intimate and affectionate again, a lot, and she's soaking it up like a sponge. I know the mantra is, it's never the fault of the BS. The onus is on her, and I'm not letting her off the hook for it, but damnit... I really wasn't there for her when she needed me these last several years. It's just the truth.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:18 PM, Sunday, June 8th]

I know this is on her. Her shitty decisions led to this. She knows it, too and isn't trying to blame me for it, but there is a part of me that can't help thinking it could have been prevented.

Pogre-

This loop nearly ended me — I kept thinking, for maybe the first two years into recovery — that the tragedy could have been averted. If I had just done something, anything, different or better, our M would have been safer, better.

One day, I realized, all marriages, all relationships, have times of struggle. Not everyone chooses to cheat. It is that simple.

I don’t know that my wife HAD to fall and fail in order to push her in a better direction, but there is no way I can change any of what happened.

The moment you truly understand, the ONLY thing you did was love your wife, best you could, you’ll be ready to heal yourself up.

Of course, of all of us can be better spouses before an A happens, but we’re human too. It doesn’t mean any of us deserve the bad choices our significant other make.

Your wife has to figure out why she needed that validation, why her boundaries vanished. It ain’t because of anything you did or didn’t do.

Keep venting, keep posting. The initial shock will wear off.

It was definitely an emotional trauma like no other, I am with you there. But strength you never imagined you had is about to kick in, and you’ll find a way forward.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 4:31 PM, Sunday, June 8th]