It's more than rebuilding connection for R to have a chance
As dday gets farther back in the rear view mirror, I've gained some clarity on how my wife and I were able to put this relationship back together.
I get asked "how" I got here all the time, online or off, people can't quite understand my ability to stay with someone who caused me so much pain.
My advice, that I borrowed from another SI member, was always, "We tend to hit what we aim for."
But that's too ambiguous. Of course, everyone wants better, wants to be better and wants their relationship to be what they want and need.
I also used to think the secret ingredient of R was focusing on rebuilding connection.
Connection has been a buzz word for all relationship books and blogs for years now, and it makes sense.
Connection is the key to any relationship in life, from family to friends.
Experience has taught me how fragile connection can be. It is very easy for connection to break down. Work schedules, having kids, getting sick, loss of a job, or family member, raising kids, money issues, etc., etc., all find ways to erode connection no matter how much effort goes into it.
The secret ingredient for R, and I think for any happy M is acceptance.
Acceptance includes the vulnerability to be who you are, faults and all and still be loved and accepted.
Infidelity absolutely destroys acceptance across the board. That's the foundation that's burned to the ground.
If all you see in your spouse is the pain they caused you -- you will not accept them back into your heart. Be it fear, anger, sadness, or a combination of those things, acceptance doesn't have a chance. Neither does R.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Fear, anger and sadness are all things we need to recover from before we can DECIDE whether we want the M.
I'm saying for successful R, once those feelings are worked through, if they can be, then acceptance is the goal.
For a WS, they often don't recommit to the M after dday because they are certain they can't be accepted, so they retreat.
It's absolutely a risk to invest again into the M, but every romantic relationship is a risk.
Ultimately, this is my path and what worked for me, there is more than one way to heal or to rebuild the M. I'm just putting together the "how" I get asked so often.
I don't see my wife as her worst days. I see her good days too, and I accept her as she accepts me and my flaws.
I can accept the facts of what happened and still hate the A forever. I find it very healthy to despise those dark moments in my past.
The how includes focusing on who we are today.
EDITED TO ADD: I just saw the concept of acceptance in a thread in general being discussed -- clearly it's an important aspect regardless of the path we choose -- my thread is more about the specifics for those couples considering R.
27 comments posted: Friday, June 7th, 2024
Life 8-years after discovery
A day or two early again this year, but really, the process that led to my wife's very belated confession really started around Memorial Day 8-years ago.
This one is different.
Previously, my annual update was cathartic -- part of my healing and a way to measure progress.
This year, I don't need to do this to heal, I find I'm more at peace than at other time in my life.
Before I get going, I do like to remind folks that I don't care what path you take to heal. You do you, be it D or R or some kind of deal that takes you forward. I just hope that all of us here find a way forward.
I'm not here to sell anything or project my results in hopes everyone finds their way through the way I did.
Between a PM I received and another thread I recently read, some people don't understand how anyone can ever say their life is better, or their M is better after infidelity. For those members who tend to be bothered by happily reconciled members, skip this thread.
However, I do understand why people don't understand the 'better' aspect of it.
The horror show of an A did not make me better. Or my M, or my wife. The A is the most painful and by far and away the most traumatic emotional devastation I have experienced in my existence. As I've often said, I'll aways hate the A, I will never be glad it happened.
We all experience loss, pain and trauma.
It's what we do once we process that pain and sadness. We can choose to focus on today rather than the past (which was a revelation to the more miserable version of me).
And it took me THREE YEARS just to process all of that pain and suffering. I really think suffering is the best way to describe those early years.
Somewhere along the line, I got back on my feet. Somewhere in there I figured out what I wanted with my life and if the M was going to be a part of it.
Then I went after what I wanted.
While I agree no one is owed a last chance, there can be something transformational to some of those people who grab a hold of the opportunity.
We're all flawed, some more than others for damn sure. Some of us are capable of learning and becoming far better people.
No magic, no rainbows, no one won the lottery.
We worked our asses off to glue five million shattered pieces of our relationship back together into something we both wanted.
I don't mean for it to be an oversimplification, I mean this is eight years later. That's a lot of time and a lot of work.
The relationship is better because we're much kinder to each other, we're much more vulnerable, much more caring, and are able to communicate any reaming differences in a civil way. Each day we get a little better at it and the trauma moves a little farther back into the past.
We chose to retire early, we earned that choice by working our asses off from very humble beginnings. This means we're together all the time. And every day we're happy we didn't give up on the other. There is a power in that, there is something special about conquering the pain and sadness as a team. That doesn't replace the sense of loss one feels after an A, but making new memories is a good thing.
I have also noted before, there is a good chance it took both me and my wife years and years to really understand love the way we do now. Of course, I wouldn't recommend our particular batch of hard lessons to anyone trying to be on a path to joy -- yet here we are.
I have good days and bad days, like the rest of the planet. I also appreciate the work we did to find some more joy along the way.
Life is good. It's really good.
I am grateful for all of the kindness of strangers here at SI. I got great advice from people who chose R, I got great advice from the people who chose D. I am lucky to have found a place that helped me on some of my worst days, and helped my to these better days. I hope everyone here finds better days ahead.
21 comments posted: Friday, May 31st, 2024
Thoughts on the R so far, about 7.5 years later...
I kept to my staying offline break most of the last six months. I am a sucker for Hot Stove baseball rumors as the weather gets colder, and it is always nice to stop by a forum that helped me a great deal.
I have to say being off the grid is good for the soul, across the board and I think it helped me focus on what's going well and what needs work -- both in my life and rebuilding the M.
For the newer members here, I wish I had some great suggestions for shortcuts or ways to heal up fast, but it takes a while. The 2-5 years SI members told me to expect made me fall out of my chair. I didn't think I could be patient enough to heal up properly. While I was hopeful, I really had no idea how miserable those first 24 months were going to be. Year three, I think the effort of both me and my wife started to offer some light, and a chance to make something substantially stronger than what we had before.
I'll stick with the advice I got and still offer when asked -- the only reason to ever attempt R is because BOTH people want something better.
I understand people stay for the kids, or money or other reasons, I just think for R to be a an actual rebuild/reconciliation is when you really, really want it and your spouse does too.
If you hang out in the forums long enough, you'll get the voices you need, regardless of the path you take. As I tend to say every update, I'll never care whether people D or R -- as long as everyone finds a way to the other side of the trauma.
Ultimately, my return online will be fairly brief.
My wife and I will be taking the next two years traveling and just being together -- empty nest, no jobs, just the open sky and a carefully planned budget. I did say open sky, but not sky's the limit! After that, we'll figure it out from there, whether we want to stay rested, go back to work or travel some more. Lots of baseball too. I like a lot of sports, but hardball is a favoriting, so spring training will be one of the early parts of the road trip.
Basically, this is how well the rebuild is going, we want to hang out with each other more often.
This doesn't mean I am pain free, trauma changes us all and can haunt me when I least expect it. I'm just able to focus on the good we're doing today a little faster than I used to.
I'll always hate the A, but I am impressed with how strong both of us needed to be to get to this point.
Two things I learned in life remain true, with or without infidelity -- there is no way to be a healthy partner if you don't love yourself first. Once you are healthy enough to love another, give instead of take.
Best to you and yours, I hope everyone here heals up during the holiday season (which is often easier said, then done).
17 comments posted: Friday, December 1st, 2023
The annual review: 7 years of R
I think I am a few days early with my annual reflection of where my life is seven years after discovery. The exact dday is a bit of blur now anyway, because so much has happened since then.
I’m a vastly different person now, as with any trauma, our experiences inform us and change us. I’m much stronger than I was before all of this, with a dash of new wisdom.
In my late 50’s, I can safely say infidelity is the most painful experience I have dealt with so far, and my life includes losses of loved ones, and my childhood trauma of a step-father who beat me like a drum for 3-years.
But we all know about the pain, the crippling sadness and the battles with depression after being blindsided by the person we loved.
The hope is that we all find a way back to some level of peace, regardless of the path we take to that peace. As always, I will never care which path any of us takes, be it D, or R or even those souls who stayed for kids or financial security only — as long as we recover from the trauma and find some peace.
I find that my observations are evolving as well.
I used to frame my choice to R around a ‘new deal’ or a ‘new M’ — but another member’s post in the positive R story section has permanently altered my perspective. While both my wife and I have changed a bunch, the truth is, this isn’t a new marriage or a new relationship. It’s a continuation of what we started nearly 36-years ago.
The relationship is dented, scarred and scorched in spots, but it’s all of ours. All of our bad choices, all of our poor decisions and every lesson we learned in the hardest way possible.
Infidelity is definitely damage we did NOT sign up for, and I sure as Hell didn’t vote for it.
My wife didn’t go from princess to horrible monster and back to princess again. There is no magic here. There are no rainbows or broken spells. She’s a flawed person, like me, and everyone else on the planet.
Human beings fail every single day. Sometimes the fail is epic.
Humans who don’t cope well with adversity often retreat from reality with alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, and yes, no one’s favorite, they escape into the arms of another person.
There is NO logic to it, and there is no legitimate reason to ever lie and cheat. Ever.
For me, it’s what humans do AFTER they fail that matters.
We can learn from it and change for the better or stay down in the muck.
I can focus on my wife’s worst days or her best days OR, I can see her as a complete soul, a good person, capable of bad things — who failed herself, her family and me — and then aimed for much better on the other side of it.
I will always, ALWAYS hate the A. I only have to accept the fact that it happened, that it’s part of my existence, but I don’t have to be OKAY with it. I’ll never wake up and be happy my wife chose poorly on her lowest days.
However, I can choose how I respond to this and every adversity in my life.
My wife’s lowest point doesn’t define me or reflect on me.
And to keep this old marriage rolling, I do not allow my wife’s lowest point to define her either. At some point, we do have to let the past BE the past.
Again, as anyone who has ever attempted R KNOWS, ain’t none of it easy.
We worked our asses off and we forged this M into something we both want. We love that we didn’t give up on each other. We love that we found a far better way to talk to each other, that we don’t hide our feelings, good or ill, and that we love each other, flaws and all.
The dents are still there. The damage doesn’t disappear.
We just aim for better every day. We give more to the other every day.
After seven years of finding a way back to vulnerable and taking one last leap of faith, I think we may yet get the hang of this marriage thing.
37 comments posted: Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023
