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I will be seeing my former husband for the first time in 14 years at the wedding of our son next year. He initiated the divorce; I did not want it. He has remarried; I have not. His wife will be in attendance.

In our religous practice, both sets of parents escort their respective child, the bride or the groom, down the aisle to marriage canopy.

The thought of even breathing the same air as this man makes me sick.

I love my son and we have an excellent relationship, and he has an excellent relationship with his father, for which I am very grateful and proud of him. I keep trying to focus on it being a day all about Beloved Son and his Beloved. Even musing about what I might wear elicits overpowering feelings of rage and hate and anger.

I am working with a therapist to try and find a way to live through it. Wondering what thoughts this community might have.

Don’t let him steal any more precious moments in your life.

My middle son is getting married this summer. I asked my daughter-in-law to be about her colors so I could coordinate. She saw a picture of the dress before I ordered & said it would go with her colors, so we're good. XWH wasn't a factor in my decision.

I think if you wear something that makes you feel great, you should wear it. Enjoy your son's special day and don't let your XWH take up any more of your energy.

Right or wrong…. Most of us want to look, feel, and project our best in front of our x’s if necessary to be in their presence.

You said it is next year. That gives time to build your best life that is already in the works! Work on your emotional health and your IDGAF smile. If you wish you to lose weight or workout, start now. Consult on dress style and color. Have supportive friend(s) or family committed to be there for you. Plan for 1-2 days of rest and relaxation leading up to the big day-stress free zone! Have a plan/signal if you need immediate support from your network during the event. Practice a response if the ex gets in your space.

In other words, while this day is about your child, pls remember you’re important and take the steps necessary to enjoy the situation and not allow anyone to dull the memories and emotions.

A dear friend of mine had a similar situation when her daughter got married. My friend paid for the rehearsal dinner and the bride’s dress, but the wife of the XWS had the nerve to offer "all the leftovers from dinner since I know you have no money". My friend handled the whole event by having a few of her closest friends (like me) be buffers for her at the wedding. She kept her smile on for the stuff she needed to, and then we made sure the XWS and his wife got nowhere near her all night. The wedding was overall lovely and my friend survived.

(To relay how horrible her XWS was, when he gave a toast to his daughter- HIS DAUGHTER ON HER WEDDING DAY - at the reception, he made a joke about her new husband meeting her in the produce section of the grocery store was lucky because even though she was always on a diet she wasn’t very successful with them. He was the worst. )

Good luck with this. I commend you working with therapy on this.

You created a human with this person who has turned out to be an awesome human so please focus on him and his wife to be.

Also discuss their plan on walking down the aisle. Traditional stuff is not always followed these days. My dtr and her H decided to walk each other down the aisle. Instead of her taking his name they created a new last name to share together. Some of this had to do with his parents and upbringing. So see what the plan is and what options are.

If they are following trad path and you do have to walk down the aisle with him that's the only time you need to be with him and maybe for a handful of photos. Otherwise celebrate your son's big day. It's all about them not your x or you.

"The thought of even breathing the same air as this man makes me sick."

Many of us understand your sentiments.
I am sorry for the circumstances that put you in this position.

What I wear is the least of it.

I should also mention that I do not live in the United States; I fled the country when he divorced me, so strongly did I feel about not ever seeing him by chance anywhere, anytime. It was a bitter, nasty, contentious, expensive divorce. We only communicate via attorneys.

Thanks to all for your cogent comments.

(((MangoPenthouse))) I would feel the same as you if and when my children get married. Me and xWS are NC because I want NC. Having to attend a wedding with my xWS is one of my worst nightmares but it is a reality and I'm not sure how I will handle it. I will probably stay far away from him. Of course I would be cordial if he were to come up and say hello but I have no desire to be on any kind of friendly terms with him.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:42 PM, Wednesday, June 4th]

At a former job we had a weight-loss competition, where the person that lost the most weight in 60 days got a prize.
One guy claimed to have lost an amazing 130 pounds...
About 10 himself, but the other 120 by divorcing his cheating wife...
He got a bonus prize...

Take his attitude: You lost a lot of dead weight when you divorced him, and what he does or does not do, has done or not done or whatever is a non-issue for you. Your happiness is not tide in any way or form to his happiness or unhappiness.

I think you will be so caught up in the day that you won’t give a hoot about the X.

It might be uncomfortable for a few moments here & there, but you will be sitting at separate tables (hopefully) and you will be with your friends & family. They can act as a buffer.

Honestly the days leading up to the wedding may be more stress inducing than the actual wedding.

Enjoy the day and focus on your son and his new wife.

Left the country? I like your style.

When I entertain divorcing my WW I often imagine moving somewhere remote and not sharing the location with anyone. Then I remember I have four kids and my dreams of escape disappear.

I can only try to imagine how uncomfortable it must be to lose control of your perfect exit strategy (even after so many years).

I hope you can focus on what matters most, being there for your son. Everything else is just noise.

Good luck!

MangoPenthouse, what does your life look like right now? Have you crossed off most of your bucket list since the D? My oldest DSS, who is still very much like my own son, got married 4 years after my D from his father. By that time, I'd traveled to a few places I'd not been too, was working on ANOTHER degree in a whole new field, had made some new friends, had gotten back in contact with old friends and family that had dropped away from my life for a little while, had lost about 23 lbs and was becoming very fit. In other words, my life was becoming pretty amazing. I find that the people that actively work on having an incredible and fulfilling life, don't care so much about losers from the past. Use this year to make your life as fulfilling as you can. If you haven't scratched off some things off the bucket list, start today. Work on mindfulness. The more you love yourself and your life, the less and less significant seeing him will be. Use your therapist to come up with a great plan to kickstart a fantastic future.
If i had to be in Xhole's vicinity today, I would get a small amount of satisfaction that his life in no way compares to mine. I wouldn't do the happy dance, but I'd probably be a little smug that he was doing much better when he was with me and he lost someone valuable for trash. As for the mistress, she wouldn't even register to me at all. I genuinely feel this way. But it took work on me to become the person I admire and love the best. Good luck.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 8:29 AM, Thursday, June 12th]