SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Together for 22 years and married for 18. In February 2015, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

We have two kids 14 and 9 years old.

I am still processing the full extent of the betrayal and its impact on my health, trust, and sense of reality. I am seeking help to understand and cope with these events.

There has been profuse apologies and we are in therapy where he was able to dismantle his rationalizations and show some really accountability but my heart is so broken I feel like I’m numb.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Others will be along soon to comment I am sure. I can’t imagine what this revelation is like for you.

I always tell people to take exquisite care of themselves physically, mentally, spiritually and
Medically to include full panel std/sti testing from a medical provider that does this sort of thing compassionately and well. Put yourself first!

Thank you! I found out after getting an Sti. It’s taken me some courage to even share that

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. First, I'd like to recommend the posts pinned in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that are pinned to the top. There are some other great threads that have bull's eye icons but aren't pinned, so you may need to look those up. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, too. There may be some threads in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum you may find helpful.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. Infidelity is trauma, so please take care of yourself. He's been having unprotected sex and has put your health at risk, so please be sure to be careful. If you're having trouble with sleep or depression/anxiety, please ask your doctor for some meds to help you through.

You may wish to see a lawyer or 3 just to see what D (divorce) would look like. Doesn't mean you need to D, but it will give you knowledge and knowledge is power.

The As (affairs) are 100% his choice to betray you, and he's lied to you for years. That is a lot to process through when it's gone on for so long. It can shake your reality and leave you with a million different emotions.

It sounds like your WH is a serial cheater, and they're notoriously bad at doing the work to change to a safe partner. Not saying he won't do the work, but it's rare.

Sorry you're here.

Why would anyone want to reconcile when an A happened for such a long time period. Maybe if your spouse was the one that came to you and confrssed instead of being discovered, did ALL the work to reconcile without ANY instigating from you (i.e. gave you a timeline and made therapy appointments without your recommendation or reminding, etc.). Again, big maybe.

And even with successful reconciliation, you would ALWAYS have doubts whenever something questionable happened. That kind of drama is just not worth it no matter how much love yoj have for your spouse. I mean, how much love could they realistically have for you if they had an affair for that long?
ETA: and the worst of the disrespect was that he couldn't even bother to wear a condom with that many women. He risked you dying from AIDS. I don't care how much I loved my ex when he cheated. NOTHING was worth that risk to my health and safety. Nothing. You will forever have to use a condom with him because you will always know that he's capable of that disrespect. Uhggg. 🤢🤮

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:37 AM, Tuesday, May 13th]

Yes, you can reconcile it if you both want to. That doesn’t mean it will be easy or that you shouldn’t explore all outcomes, but if you both want it, it’s an option. Take your time deciding and pamper yourself. Put the future uncertainty of your marriage on the back burner. Whether you reconcile or divorce, recovering from this will be a marathon, not a sprint.

Neva, I am so very sorry you have this life thrust on you. It’s a horrible way to live.You cannot thrive in a place of emotional turmoil.
I need to be very blunt. This is who he is. This is what he does. Unless a miracle occurs I don’t see how some apologies and some therapy are going to change a lifetime of bad behavior. You are looking for a unicorn and all you have is a cheating, lying spouse.
My focus for you is to get some temp meds for anxiety and sleep. You want your body to withstand the amount of pain inflicted on it by staying healthy.