SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If 50 million marriages effected by infidelity have a 15 percent reconciliation rate long term, that’s still 750,000 reconciled couples.

That means the odds are 3 to 17 at least that’s what chatgpt tells me. I think 50 million is a lowball estimate but since the percentage used is always the same so are the odds.

Odds of winning the jackpot in powerball are 1 in 292,201,338.

However, I doubt we have any way to know what statistics to believe. I have never been asked what my marital outcome is, and I have never heard any of you saying you have been surveyed. And I have to say I am in the minority in the people I know who experienced infidelity in their marriage who even went to therapy so they aren’t factored in either. I know plenty still married that shouldn’t be, so I am not trying to paint a rosy picture I am just saying no one has a crystal ball and statistics on this are sketchy at best.

I would also have no idea how many of those successful reconciliations are with serial cheaters but we do have many members here who are reconciled with one. We also have a ton of members here who got raked over the coals until they decided to get out. And a lot of members who rugswept and just stayed married for their own reasons. .

I am pretty sure if reading here is any evidence that in the high majority of cases the bs will try for R. It’s such a shock that they don’t know even how to begin processing it. I don’t think statistics can really dictate where any new member will fall. I would say in a case like this your odds are lower than in other cases, but it’s not impossible. I know some wish they had the hard hitting advice, but I sincerely wonder if anyone is prepared to follow it out of the gate.

I tend to agree with Sissoon statistics really do not come into play in an individual circumstance. Too many variables.

Practical advice to me is rarely different- focus on yourself, try and detach from an outcome so you can get objective, and if you want to try and reconcile don’t sign up for it until there has been a significant amount of consistency.

Neva, I hope you will stay, there is a lot of collective wisdom here and I know many are like me and feel that this group came in clutch when it was needed. Right now you are in shock, and it may help to check out the just found out forum. There is a healing library in the left too.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:12 AM, Thursday, May 15th]

Thank you! I appreciate all the comments. I will be taking many walk in the parks. Every one of your insights and helpful guidance is so welcome.

I am in a one day at a time mode.

I did want to share something more about me.

I have been through some challenging times in the past including a 17 year struggle of seeing my brother loose his life to addiction. During this time I saw my parents fight tooth n nail for him, i saw us suffering financially and with so much social stigma and violence at home, yet they never gave up on him. They saw him as their child who has a difficult disease and they would never fail him. I was in tow just 14 years old when it all started seeing and coping with everything. At that time it was like there is no choice, you don’t give up on your family so I managed to deal with all that was at home, yet went to school, got an education, built a career, got married. My parents did the absolute best they could for me all the while.

And while my parents lost the battle to save my brother, I see them today living and finding peace in life and joy in my kids.

To find myself today facing a husband who is likely an addict as well brings a special kind of pain back.

But I do feel I have some role models in my parents. They have survived the ultimate loss! I hope I can find the same strength to survive.

You certainly can survive this regardless of which way forward you choose.

I came from a chaotic and abusive home and wanted far better for my own marriage and home. It was not to be in my first marriage....just more pain born of betrayal and the chaos that comes with it.

When that chapter ended, I found a woman, also a betrayal survivor, with whom we have built the marriage and family Ive always wanted. Oh, there was a lot (years) of hard work involved, mostly in the form of individual therapy, and that was extremely helpful.

Again, as you have heard, there are folks here that have chosen to reconcile with truly remorseful WS's and remain happily married.

I can attest that you can do more than survive, you can thrive.

First, thanks for the pointer to an actual article, doble.

"Extensive research conducted by the American Psychological Association found that 53% of couples who experienced infidelity in their marriage were divorced within 5 years, even with therapy. The study says that couples who have been unfaithful are three times more likely to separate than monogamous couples.Oct 24, 2024"

This also says 47% of Ms that experience infidelity are not D'ed within 5 years. Of course, 'not D'ed' isn't a high bar.

Also, '3 times more likely' may or may not be informative, depending on how that's computed.

The most significant variables in how infidelity is resolved are connected with what the partners do after the infidelity. Shirley Glass wrote that 20% of the couples she treated who said they wanted to R split. That says, I think, 80% of the couples she treated did R ... except that the 80% could include couples that just 'didn't D', which is way different from 'did R.' The problem is we don't know what a person doesn't say. Also, not all therapists are as effective as Glass.

The MC we used addressed the infidelity as long as I wanted. I don't know what would have happened if we had consulted an MC who looked for M issues as the source of my W's A. The first IC I consulted and worked with for a few months didn't help. The next one did. If the next one hadn't worked for me, I can't know what I would have done.

So I think the single biggest factors are what work the BS and WS do - and what people do generally depends on what they want and how honest they are with themselves.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:47 PM, Thursday, May 15th]

The point of my first post on this thread was not to trigger a statistical argument; it was to point out that choosing to stay with a serial cheater who has been unfaithful for decades, lies as easily as he breathes, squanders money on paying for sex, and brings STDs home to his wife is a huge risk to her mental, physical, and financial health. His behavior is downright pathological and abusive to the extreme. It's irresponsible to suggest otherwise.

Nerva, I also think that whether or not your husband is capable of change is a separate issue from whether or not you will be able to successfully reconcile. I think it's very likely, especially given the nature of his behavior, that if you remain married to him, you're going to spend the rest of your life worrying about his next "relapse." You're going to need to get tested for STDs regularly, and I would also advise you to go on PrEP and use barrier methods. You'll also need to separate your finances and monitor your credit so you know where the money is going, don't end up in debt, and have a safety net of your own if you need it.

And I've said many times before on this forum, cheating rarely happens in a vacuum. I don't think that the type of person who has done what he has done to extent that he has done it is an honest, loving, and selfless person in all other aspects of his life. The biggest shock of Dday isn't just the cheating; it's the realization that you're married to a stranger.

Lastly, it's worth noting that the idea of "sexual addiction" as its own clinical disorder is still a hotly debated topic in the psychiatric community. To date, not even the overly bloated DSM lists it as a diagnosis. There's also a lot of quack therapists with bogus credentials working as sexual addiction therapists, so you need to be careful about who you or your husband are going for treatment.

So while it's entirely possible that your husband has some sort of compulsive disorder related to sex, it's also possible and perhaps even more probable that he as a personality disorder... in which case he probably enjoys lying and getting away with things as much as if not more than the sex.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:38 PM, Thursday, May 15th]

Agree with BluerthanBlue especially these points:

choosing to stay with a serial cheater who has been unfaithful for decades, lies as easily as he breathes, squanders money on paying for sex, and brings STDs home to his wife is a huge risk to her mental, physical, and financial health. His behavior is downright pathological and abusive to the extreme.

So while it's entirely possible that your husband has some sort of compulsive disorder related to sex, it's also possible and perhaps even more probable that he as a personality disorder... in which case he probably enjoys lying and getting away with things as much as if not more than the sex.

What started as just the discovery of an A turned into something much darker and sinister for me. It took me YEARS to wake-up and realize it. It did come at my expense as I suffered greatly both physically and mentally because of my xWS's A's and mistreatment of me. He ended up being diagnosed with a personality disorder which explained everything to me. One thing about a personality disorder is that the person cannot change and if they do it is extremely rare.

OP please keep your eyes wide open and watch his patterns of behavior. Patterns you have already seen and patterns that may still be happening. You will definitely have to get tested for STD's every year because of this. I would and I did while I was still married to xWS. Your WS is an extreme risk to you and your physical and mental health. Take all the time you need to heal and process what has happened. I would see a therapist that specializes in trauma therapy.

Can you share what patterns you saw?

The patterns of behavior I kept witnessing from my xWS were:

Not Being Accountable

Deflection

Blame Shifting

Conflict Avoidant

Silent Treatment when called out on his behavior

Persistent Lying

Lack of Empathy

Constant Need for Admiration

Entitlement

Constant Moodiness

Use of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)

Arrogant

Exaggerating Achievements

Inflated sense of self-importance

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 10:55 PM, Thursday, May 15th]

Also make sure you have transparency and can see his phone/devices. If he is hiding it from you or putting passwords on everything that would be something to look out for.

Any behavior changes like being impatient with your healing or blaming you for any of his transgressions would be a red flag.