SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I were born 5 days apart in 1980. We always joked that we came here to earth together. I was madly in love with him since the first minute I met him and that's no joke. I saw him across the chemistry/physics building when I was going to university for chemical engineering. I even changed classes so that I could be in the chemistry class he was in and could have an excuse to talk to him. I finally managed to convince him to take me out and I was absolutely smitten. That was in 2001. We had a few partners each before that, and I have been through the infidelity circus before. It was heartbreaking and I knew I couldn't do that ever again. In the very beginning I told him this; we spoke at length for weeks about it before getting serious. He agreed to never hurt me like that. I knew I never wanted to be with anyone besides him ever again.

We were together for a long time before we got married, spent almost every waking moment together. He was my everything. We finally got engaged in 2011 and we eloped in 2012. Had the massive gorgeous wedding a little later in 2013. I was over the moon. We told each other how much we loved each other all the time. We were insanely proud of each other. We walked the walk and talked about it all the time. I thought I had finally found the person that was going to be with me honestly and not ever let me down.

In May of 2024, I came home from work in the evening to find him slumped at his computer desk. He didn't have any clothes on so I thought that was strange. I tried aggressively to wake him up and couldn't. I immediately called 911 and had to perform CPR for about 10 minutes while the paramedics arrived. When they got here they called time of death. They took his wedding ring off of his finger and gave it to me. They closed the door to his office and wouldn't let me go back in. We were both 43 at the time, and he never got to turn 44. Because we were so young, they have to suspect something is off, so I had to wait for the coroner to come and get him. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to say anything final to him.

As you might imagine, my heart has been breaking for months. It's barely worth it to keep going, but I do. I'm one of those people who doesn't wake up in the morning to be mediocre. I soldier forth just because. Well, it's now 2025 and it's time to do taxes. I had to turn on his computer for the first time since his death in order to download a 1099 or whatever it is from his Robinhood account. When I turned the computer on I went to his favorites bar in the browser in order to find the link to the Robinhood site. When I was pulling down the favorites menu I saw a lot of websites on there that I didn't know he went to. One of them looked very suspicious to me, I don't remember the name of it now, but I thought "Huh, I wonder what that is?" I opened the link and it auto-logged into his profile. It was a site where you can chat with other people and post photographs.

The most recent photograph was a picture that he took and posted the day before he died, May 19, 2024. The photograph was of his erect penis with his pants pulled down. He had multiple messages from and to different people. I practically fell over right in the chair where he died I was so shocked. I read through every message I could find. They went back YEARS. The first one was in 2011, and just kept going from there. There were photos of his naked body, the body that I worshipped as my most precious person. I didn't want to know more but I had to and now I'm absolutely destroyed. Worse than destroyed. I want to grab him and slap him, ask him what the hell he was doing. But I can't. I thought I knew what hell felt like. I didn't, but I do now. I feel like I've had a hole blown in my chest with a shotgun. For the last 9 months I've been worshipping the memory of this man, the one who made promises to me that were my most prized in the universe. I feel stupid and sick and ignorant and like I don't really care to keep going. I will, but it all seems like a terrible joke now.

Above all of that I feel responsible. I feel like I am to blame for that behavior. I was always standoffish. I'm an Acts of Service and he was always a Physical Affection. We tried hard to speak each other's languages but I have to admit that since I was the sole breadwinner I was always tired or didn't really feel like participating in sex. Now all I can think is that I drove him to this. I know its not true, but that's how it feels. I'm crushed and would love to hear from others. We never had any kids so its lonely in the house with just me and the cat. If you made it all the way through, thanks for letting me vent. I hope you're having a better day than I am.

Tough to read.

But it’s not your fault. He had a big hole in his psyche that he was trying to fill. If you had learned about this sooner, you probably still wouldn’t have gotten answers that made sense.

Time heals. Maybe find a therapist, just for someone to talk to.

Best wishes.

Oh Stellanor - My heart breaks for you.

You will live through this pain, because the alternative is not to live through it, which is horribly bleak. You WILL live with it and through it.

The person you love most in the world, the person you trust most in the world, can be someone you never knew. Ask me how I know.

I’m older than you, I’m in my 50s. I’ve lived through the death of all my grandparents, both of my parents and some of my closest friends. Nothing, nothing, nothing compares to the pain of betrayal / infidelity. NOTHING.

Your story moved me, and I just wanted to chime in and tell you there are people out here who understand that the pain you’re going through is beyond any pain you ever could’ve imagined, but a lot of us live through it. We heal the best we can, we do the best we can with the cards we are dealt and we rise above… And you will too.

No words of advice for me from me, other than keep on keeping on. You are not alone. ❤️

[This message edited by GiveTimeTime at 1:30 AM, Thursday, February 20th]

So sorry this happened to you. But glad you found us. There are a couple other members who also found out after their spouse died— hopefully they will stop by and offer their perspective.

First of all- seek a TRAUMA informed therapist. You have had two MAJOR traumas thrust at you in a short period of time. No matter how stoic you are, this is a lot. A whole lot.

Second, know — deeply in your soul know - that there is nothing you did or didn’t do that caused him to betray you like this. He was doing this for most of your relationship. This is who he was, who he hid from you. It had nothing to do with your love languages or anything. He had a whole in him that required this kind of weird external validation.

As you process this shocking news, take extra care of yourself. Please see a doctor for STD testing — who knows what else he did. I am so sorry, but you can’t be too sure. If you are having anxiety or depression or trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, get daily exercise. These help your body and your emotions.

I understand how absolutely infuriating it must be that he is not here to answer for his actions. But I can tell you that most of us here never got a satisfactory answer anyway. Hard to have a reason to do the unreasonable, you know?

Who can you talk to IRL?

hang in there- you really will get through this. You really will.

Welcome to SI and what a devastating story. First, there are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Second, there are some unpinned posts with bull's eye icons that have some great information. Third, the Healing Library has a lot of great information.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I second the suggestion that you do therapy with a trauma therapist. With two major traumas so close together, it's possible that you may have PTSD. It is important to work the trauma out of your body. My second IC (individual counselor) was a betrayal trauma specialist, and we worked through The Grief Handbook, which you can use to work on the grief of losing the relationship as well as your WH (wayward husband). Not saying you have to do it, but I found it helpful.

Practice plenty of self-care. It will be tough to not have the answers, but the answers wouldn't make sense. The decision to cheat was 100% on him. At any time, he could have discussed things with you, suggested counseling, or even D (divorce) you - but he chose cheating. It isn't anything you did or didn't do.

Sorry you're here.

My husband passed away 5 years ago in March. At the time of his death he had only admitted to one affair. In time, I was able to come to terms that he had multiple one night stands and a couple of long term affairs. It's something I knew for many years because of little clues he dropped, but I was in deep denial about what he was doing due to financial reasons, not wanting to split the family up, and because I loved him. I didn't want to believe that he was capable of causing me so much harm.

Whatever my late husband chose to do had nothing to do with me. Lately I have been able to let go of the anger I had towards him and to begin to cherish the good times and memories I felt in our marriage. I lost someone who I considered special, in my life. But also what he did to me practically destroyed me. It's a very complicated grief. In time you will also figure things out.

I think it is in your best interest to seek trauma therapy when you are ready. I know it takes awhile to come to terms with the death of someone you loved so deeply and dearly. And then to discover the shock of betrayal. I know, it's all so overwhelming.

And also know that thousands of other people have gone through the same as you and I. We are not alone eventhough it has been easy to feel alone in this at times. So no real need to feel embarrassed because of what your late husband did during your marriage. It's all on him. Nothing you ever did caused him to make the terrible choices that he made.

Also you may want to let your doctor know about your newfound information about your late husband and to get tested for any possible diseases or infections, just in case he had any physical connections with others.

I'm sorry you found the truth out about your late husband after his death. What a shock it must have been for you. I know for me it definitely was.

And just know that in time you will begin to feel better, and also understand you no longer are having to live under the lies your late husband created in your marriage. It sucks but thankfully the deep hurt you are feeling lessons over time.

Stellanor I’m so sorry you are going through this it’s absolutely heartbreaking.
I imagine you a desperate to get answers you will never get but I can promise you this, it had nothing to do with you. What your husband did had nothing to do with you.

Please take care of yourself.

I’m sorry for your loss.
Maybe find some solace in that people can be all kinds – in the same person.
Nobody is perfect, and yet we can love people despite their deficiency. The hard part might be to let go of that vision of a perfect person, and replace it with the love to a person that meant a lot, but wasn’t perfect.

I’m curious to one thing: You registered here way back in 2011. The year you two got engaged. What made you search for an infidelity-site and create a profile way back then?

Dear One ....please know that there are no human words to describe the pain and anguish you are experiencing. It is horrible. But I want to assure you of this...yes ...he was doing something nasty and wrong, but based on what you described....he did in fact love you for real. He really did. I am guessing he compartmentalized that as "fantasy"....which it essentially was ...it was a lie. And it was worse than a lie to him...it did erode at your intimacy...but I am guessing he did not realize it. He was deceived and was deceiving himself.

I have a suspicion, again based on how your describe your relationship ...that if this habit came to light when he was alive ...that he would have repented and gotten himself straightened out. Again ..I really feel he loved you deeply and that you did have very much that was absolutely real.

It hurts you immensely however, because you did not know the secret. Again, no human answer for this....seek Christ to heal your precious heart. Christ loves sinners....we are all sinners. It is OK for you to still love him and what you had.

My heart breaks for you. Friendly hug to you as a sister.

Ma'am, I am so sorry for your loss, even more so for your betrayal.

One thing so many ws's have in common is that they are very practiced in "art" (if you can call it that) of deceit. Living secret/second lives. Knowing that if they get busted, it will devastate their other life (spouse, marriage, family, career), but they do it anyway. Theres a word for this, otherwise known as addiction.

The hard thing for you is that he ms no longer around to confront. To attempt to get closure with and be able to move on.

No one's perfect. This:

Above all of that I feel responsible. I feel like I am to blame for that behavior. I was always standoffish. I'm an Acts of Service and he was always a Physical Affection. We tried hard to speak each other's languages but I have to admit that since I was the sole breadwinner I was always tired or didn't really feel like participating in sex. Now all I can think is that I drove him to this. I know its not true, but that's how it feels. I'm crushed and would love to hear from others. We never had any kids so its lonely in the house with just me and the cat. If you made it all the way through, thanks for letting me vent. I hope you're having a better day than I am. 

Is misplaced. False guilt. He is 100% responsible for his actions and you cannot own his failings. Our psyches try to assign blame so many times and if the BS is hyper-responsible, they try to own the "unownable" (made that word up on the fly).

You need therapy with a good trauma recovery specialist. Work through the process with them. Regain perspective and let them help give you tools to be able to move forward.

I wish you well.