SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married for 15 years we have 3 kids. We have been together since freshman year of high-school. She comes from a one parent dysfunctional home and moved in with me and my family as soon as we met. She became pregnant at 17 with our first child. Years passed by so fast and our family continued to grow, we moved out and next thing you know we have 3 kids and are about to celebrate our 15th anniversary.

She is a great mother and great wife who also works full time but we both could tell that life had become monotonous and very busy. All of our children played or play sports so our life consists of practices,games,school events or just running them back and forth to friends houses. We did make time for ourselves and sent the night at hotels to go concerts. However our sex life had become nonexistent. We were always too tired or afraid the kids might still be up. We would try in the mornings before the kids would get up but she would just say hurry up or sometimes not in the mood. She does suffer from bouts of depression every few months and I will admit I was not very supportive I would always tell her to get over it or it's not that bad. We had become distant and when we got home we would just go with the daily routine and play on our phones. She would always tell me she didn't mind it because we work so hard and that was our down time.

I worked 6 days a week for months so we could have a vacation of a lifetime to celebrate our 15th anniversary. We had a blast and things seemed to be getting better. When we returned we visited friends and they introduced us to a card game. My wife because obsessed with it. When we left she downloaded an online card game so she could practice. Fast forward 2 months and I received a message on social media saying that my wife was cheating on me. I asked her what that could possibly be about and she just denied it. I contacted this person back and he gave me all the details. It turns out he randomly met my wife on this game and they began messaging each other. Over a few weeks he ask for her number and they began texting. It turned into sexting with nudes and videos being exchanged. He told me she told him she was divorced but he started to suspect she wasn't so he looked her up. He found both our social media accounts and saw we just returned from our trip and seemed like a happy couple. He claims this upset him because he had been cheated on before and ended things with my wife immediately. He claims she didn't want it to end and continued to try to engage in sexting even sending more pictures and videos. He said he told her he was going to tell me and she stopped. She blocked him from the game which they played every day and night from the time they met until the last day.

I am surprised but kind of understand but it really hurts.
I also feel somewhat silly compared to all the heartbreaking stories I have read on here.
Some things I find comfort in are that it was random meaning she didn't go looking for it. It was with a stranger she never met in person. He confirmed that he lives 8 hours away and never met her. However it doesn't hurt like nothing i have ever experienced before. I would always ask for nudes and she would say that's weird why do you want that for. And I was sexually frustrated as I am sure she was. She is a very low sex drive person all of ours lives which really surprised me to hear the things she did.

Looking for advice on how to handle the situation or for people who have experienced something similar. Thanks

I am surprised but kind of understand

Don’t be too quick to be understanding. You were in the same marriage she was and you managed not to cheat.

I also feel somewhat silly compared to all the heartbreaking stories I have read on here.

The absolute worst type of infidelity is whatever kind your spouse decides to drag into your marriage.

Check out the healing library here and also read the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

Has your wayward wife come clean? Is she demonstrating remorse and not blaming you or the marriage for her choices?

The pain is just short of unbearable, and it lasts - but human beings tend to heal, and you can, too.

Do you know what you want to do? Have you considered both D(ivorce) and R(econciliation)? It helps if you see both as paths to a good life.

Soes your W(ife) know what she wants? Is she willing to work on herself? Is she willing to get help from a therapist in changing from cheater to good partner? That's very important - she cheated; the M(arriage) didn't.

Have faith in yourself to heal. Don't worry now about what you will do about your relationship with your W. Focus on your own healing - healing will help you clear your head, and that will make it easier for you to make good decisions for yourself and your kids, and even for your W.

I recommend reading the various SI forums and https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There aare some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some unpinned posts with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library contains a lot of great information, too.

Your WW (wayward wife) should be in IC (individual counseling) to work on becoming a safe partner. IC for you, too. Find a betrayal trauma specialist if you can. Bonus points if they also have experience with counseling for infidelity.

The A (affair) wasn't a mistake, it was thousands of conscious decisions to lie and betray you. She should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. (You can read them, too.)

Infidelity sucks, and is so painful.

So sorry friend. Please do not minimize what she did. Yes....thankfully it did not mature further, but friend ...there was betrayal at the heart level. And, where was it going? Would she eventually tried to meet him? Or someone else? Your mind will be working on this ....and you will begin to see how deep this really is. Keep in mind, she did not come to you confessing die to her conscious...the AP came to you out of guilt and his precious being betrayed. Anyway ...take your time. Please do not rug sweep. Get the book Betrayal Bind and read it. What about trust? That will take much time to rebuild ....and effort on her part. As other asked ...where is she at? Keep writing. Again...sorry. Praying for you.

Man this site is so helpful I wish I had found it earlier. Some context to my understanding part that I left out because I am afraid that someone I know might read it and know it's me. W was a freshman and I was a senior in high-school when we got together. We have children the same age we were when we got together and one in-between. We have witnessed them getting asked out on dates, fall in and out of love with all the happy and sadness it brings. I say I understand her reasons because I was much older and got to experience all of those things. She never did and when she partially confessed in pieces over the course of a week or so I felt like I was listening to my children's experiences in the excitement and sadness. It has been 4 months since the a came to light. I didn't process it as some have suggested because honestly I have never been an emotional or even affectionate person. I do believe this also had a part in this mess. W said it started on the games messenger and at first it was all about the game. Ap started giving tips about the game
Which then turned to personal questions about each other. W siad this made her feel good that someone wanted to know about her and made her feel noticed.ap asked to chat off the app she agreed. According to w ap asked for a selfie and proceeded to compliment and essentially love bombing her for a day or 2. W said she never felt like that before so when ap asked for nudes she didn't think twice. She denied calls, videos or love talk. I confronted her with a partial lie about a video and she confessed that she did send one but it was at the end when ap said he was going to tell me. I believe I made too many mistakes before A and also how I handled it after. I was too understanding and didn't process my feelings because she was a complete emotional wreck. W cried herself to sleep for over 2 months and I feel like she is genuinely sorry. It does bother me a lot that she never confessed anything without me pushing and sometimes lying about details.

She had all kinds of choices she could have made. She chose to cheat. She hid it from you and lied. She knew what she was doing was wrong.

Not Just Friends has a chapter called Windows and Walls and has a great analogy for boundaries and what you should or should not share with others. You should build windows with your spouse so that you know and can see where you're at. You build walls with others outside of the M because there are some things that you don't share with others.

She could have talked to you, she could have told you that you needed couples therapy, she could have D'd you. She didn't need to cheat.

I agree and appreciate all of this. How do people handle asking or wanting to know more details. I have tried to ask more about the situation but w breaks down crying and lately has been getting a little mad or combative. Should I just leave that alone and focus on healing or is that part of the healing?

How can you can even begin to recover or heal if you don’t know what it is you are recovering from? You need the answers that you need. She has to provide them. Yes, it sucks for her. But look what she did to you and to your marriage. She needs to stop being all about herself and her discomfort and provide what you need. She’s the one with the answers. If you go the emergency room bleeding out, they don’t start talking about your rehab until they first diagnose the problem and then take the actions to fix the wound. You just got to the emergency room, friend. She needs to help diagnose the wounds here by being honest and truthful and transparent and telling you everything you need to know. Frankly her getting mad is a little like her not telling the doctor what happened — it is NOT conducive to healing at all. It’s selfish.

You were NOT sooo much older. Three years. So you experienced a little more. Big deal. She’s had 15 years to bring this up if it was a big deal to her. There is NOTHING that you did or did not do that caused her to cheat. NOT ONE THING. She had myriad options: counseling, marriage counseling, marriage retreats, ask you to read some books, even separation or divorce. She CHOSE to cheat and lie to you and to your kids. You may not have been a perfect spouse- none of us is. But she chose - repeatedly - to do the one thing that will make things worse, not better.

Have you read about the 180? It’s in the Healing Library and one of the bullseye posts in the JFO forum. You need to adopt that. It is a way to give your brain a bit of a break from the horrific stress it is under and helps you stop with the "pick-me" dance.

I know how much this hurts. Please take care of yourself and your kids. See your doctor if you are having trouble sleeping. Eat healthy, get exercise daily, avoid drugs/alcohol, and drink lots of water.

Is the AP in your area? Is there any way at all this could have been physical? If there is ANY chance, then get STD/STI tested and don’t have unprotected sex with her until she also gets tested and shows you the results. Last thing you need is to pick up disease.

Keep posting. We know how hard this is.

Also, to answer a previous question I did do a ton of research in the first couple of days and did start talking to a therapist. W did as well and also a psychiatrist for depression. We continue to do individual therapy but she stopped seeing the psychiatrist. We both agreed that the medicine they prescribed was too much. It basically turned her in to a zombie with no emotions. Once she got off the meds she became more engaged in communicating and seems better with just the therapist.

I am certain there was no physical contact. AP was very forthcoming and direct with all details. Even gave a very accurate time line of events that I was able to verify with phone records, w work schedule and even home video system. His time line was actually even shorter then W. I believe this to be because how caught up she got in it and possibly even shock. Game was less than two weeks and texting/sexting 2.5 weeks not that it matters as cheating is cheating no matter how short or long.

Yes cheating is cheating. And you're surprised your wife has a low sex drive and yet engaged and seemingly wanted sex (albeit in fantasy)

Look. You can talk about therapists, mental anguish the like. Your wife jumped at the chance for emotional and physical validation very quickly.

She's now had a taste.

There's an entire world out there of gratification, and filled with men who will have zero compunction of getting with a married woman and keeping it secret.

It's a dangerous path to feel you're almost owed more sexual experiences and if not nibbed in the bud now, that idea will take root and flourish.

I’m sorry you are faced with infidelity in your life. It takes a long time to heal and you are just st the beginning stages.

Your wife (like my husband) is blaming her past for the affair. My H had one other girlfriend before me. When we met he was 19 and we were in college.

One of the reasons I understood his mid life crisis affair was due to the fact he did not have many girlfriends. However NOW after 25 years of marriage was not the time to decide to make up for it.

And the same goes for your wife. Just because she made choices at 15 or 16 — doesn’t mean she gets to cheat because "she missed out" on certain things in life.

In effect she is blaming you for the affair.

In order to reconcile — your wife needs to show remorse, be committed to the marriage and be willing to show you that YOU and the marriage are her top priority.

Years before my H had his midlife crisis affair he had a long term emotional affair. He refused to admit it but I knew it was going on. This was before texting and cell phones so it was in person. The reason I mention this is because it ended and it was swept under the rug. Never discussed again.

My biggest regret and mistake. Because that just made it easier for him to cheat the next time.

Your wife needs to answer your questions. She needs to help you heal. She needs to fix this!!!

You cannot drag her down the reconciliation path. If you do (and she does not willingly participate) you will become resentful and continue to live in pain, unhappiness etc.

I hope this helps you. Do. Not. Give. Your. Wife. A. Pass. On. This. Affair.

She lied. She cheated. Take it seriously and address it now.

Did she volunteer to start rebuilding trust by stopping card play?

Yes she deleted the card game a week before ap told me everything. Also blocked number and deleted social media account same day.

Sorry you find yourself here. The gaming apps/sites are rife with this kind of shyt.

I am surprised but kind of understand but it really hurts.

Um, no. You are minimizing.

Even if she did not meet this pos in person, trust is shattered. Trust is the bedrock upon which all else is built and that foundation is broken. Can it be repaired? Yes, with monumental amounts of work and a lot of painful effort. The lion's share is on the betrayer.

You both need to read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and she needs to stick to it like glue.

Im going to give you some tough advice. You seem like a nice guy. A lot of altruism. This will not stand you in good stead. You absolutely no longer know where her loyalty lies. Put another way, she represents the greatest threat to your mental-emotional health on the planet and thats no understatement. She placed everything at risk for a sexual thrill, sharing that which should only be for you and thus devaluing and disrespecting her "husband" to the max.

The fact that her nude vids and pics are now the property of another guy has gotta be haunting. I dont reiterate this to hurt you, I say it to help you rid yourself of well-meaning but mis-applied altruism. I have seen this many times when dealing with infidelity that the "nice", the "altrustic", get rolled. You cannot afford this.

So what to do? Please read "No More Mr Nice Guy" as a kind of antedote. Require a LOT of your WW including IC for her regardless of whether or not you decide to stay with her. Dont get fiery, get icy. She needs to earn your heart back one trustworthy action at a time over years.

Be strong.

Good luck.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:27 PM, Saturday, February 8th]

Thank you. I did recently sent ww that article and she is reading it over and over. I think altruism is the perfect word for my situation. But I know that I'm doing it for the outcome that I want and I see it is the same outcome she wants. Ww is putting in a lot of effort and has become a greater mom and wife than she has ever been.

Our only hurdle is the full account of the month long A. She gave me her confession in writing and I read it so much that I have memorized it now. It is very detailed of how it started what was said and shared on game app. It is also very detailed of how things went the first 3 days of texting. That's when details stop and it becomes very vague and feels like a lot is missing. The end of the confession is again very detailed but when I ask for more details of the middle or more clarification of some things that don't make sense we both get very defensive and irritated.

I believe she is avoiding the things that she cant believe she said or did. If we can get to a point where we can discuss the hard parts I can accept it and move on with reconciliation.

It is very detailed of how it started what was said and shared on game app. It is also very detailed of how things went the first 3 days of texting. That's when details stop and it becomes very vague and feels like a lot is missing. The end of the confession is again very detailed but when I ask for more details of the middle or more clarification of some things that don't make sense we both get very defensive and irritated.

I believe she is avoiding the things that she cant believe she said or did. If we can get to a point where we can discuss the hard parts I can accept it and move on with reconciliation.

Id tell her that you absolutely must have all of the details or you will not be able to work toward reconciliation with her and that her unwillingness to be completely forthright with you will be understood to be a refusal by her to truly renconcile. She doesnt get to keep her lascivious secrets AND keep you. Period. Her defensiveness and irritation is a clear indication that she is not truly remorseful.

Act accordingly.

ETA: This includes giving you all the vids and pics she sent him.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:50 PM, Saturday, February 8th]

It is also very detailed of how things went the first 3 days of texting. That's when details stop and it becomes very vague and feels like a lot is missing. The end of the confession is again very detailed but when I ask for more details of the middle or more clarification of some things that don't make sense we both get very defensive and irritated.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. You know she is hiding stuff that she did. Either from shame or whatever. That isn't the point. The problems that I see are twofold.

One... she can't be trusted. She did not confess to you. Her AP confessed to you. She lied to her AP and she lied to you. You are probably asking yourself when you can trust her again? You are probably asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking yourself is what basis do you have to think that you will ever be able to trust her?

Her getting irritated when asked to clarify her vagueness says a lot. You know she is a liar. Just ask yourself have you caught her lying in the past, and not just little white lies, but also other larger lies unrelated to her affair? Given what you described about her dysfunctional childhood, my thinking is that she developed a character who over the years lies in order to just survive. Lying might be her first survival instinct. What basis do you have to think she can change from a liar to a trustworthy person? This is something to ask yourself.

Two... she does not seem to respect you. If she respected you she would not have done what she did. DoubleTracion said it best. You seem to be a "Nice Guy", a "People Pleaser". That type of person gets walked all over. Please read the book he recommended, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. The title is off setting suggesting someone who walks all over other people. It is anything but that. It will help you to build boundaries in your relationship and stick to them... that is someone she can respect.

I wish you good luck.

Call me old-fashioned, but I’m always amazed at the... ease or willingness of people to share sexually explicit digital content.
I have a friend who about 8-10 years ago had a big legal struggle with some porn-sites because his daughters former boyfriend shared some explicit content. The guy insisted he "only" shared it with some friends, but somehow it went from there to all sorts of forums and ended on popular porn-sites. It took my friend some time and legal expenses before this media was removed. In that instance because she wasn’t fully 18 at time of recording.

When I hear stories like yours I wonder what could happen. You mention three kids... What if Longterm jr comes home from school one day crying because Jake – the schoolyard bully and all of 12 years old – told him that his mom was on desperatehousewifeswantsex dot com or whatever.

I think one of the steps your wife needs to take is to contact OM – in a very impersonal way – and request that all content he might have should be deleted. Include the warning that this was intended for private use, and that any breach of that – as in distribution (intentional or accidental) would be considered revenge porn and will lead to criminal charges.