SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My XWH gave me grief about my weight. I had weight loss surgery and list about 150 pounds. What did he do? Sleep with somebody who weigh more than me before I lost weight. I didn't cheat. It's more about boundaries of the lack thereof.

Sorry If I got too graphic with the details. Im just having a hard time getting the images out of my head. I have nightmares and am constantly tormented by this whole experience.
I was able to view all the texts between them so I have a pretty good timeline and all the details. To her credit she ended it after the last time she slept with him. She texted him and said she feels terrible and guilty about what she did and doesnt want to continue with it. He said that he wanted a relationship and doesnt want to sneak around anymore and that was it. No more texts or communication after that. Im going to get an STD test she says its not necessary because they used protection. I find that hard to believe. Keep you posted.

Toby73,

There are many STIs that are transmitted via skin to skin contact. Herpes is just one of them. Unprotected oral sex is another common mechanism and finally, monstrous dildos with bumpy, bruise making projections are STI petri dishes.

If I were you, I would not accept my WW casually dismissing STI testing with the "we used protection" claim. It shows that she is being flippant and possibly contemptuous of you. An STI panel is the barest of the bare minimum step to show that she wants to be a safe partner and she refuses that? C'mon man

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 3:17 AM, Sunday, March 3rd]

I hate to be the bad news bear,,,but...look what she did. The things she did with him are what sex workers do. Find a guy and then bang in the car out in public somewhere. The only thing missing was a cash exchange. What she showed was a startling and blatant disregard for you and the kids. It would still be happening right NOW if you hadn't gone through her phone. I always use caution when talking about reconciliation. As much as you want to "reclaim" your wife, there is no honor lost in divorce and moving on. Sometimes a nubby latex soccer style boot in the ass is the best medicine. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

Sorry If I got too graphic with the details. Im just having a hard time getting the images out of my head.

Please do not apologize. The only person who should apologize, as in prostrate themself on the floor in front of you begging for forgiveness is your traitorous wife. Time to chart your own course.

No matter how many times I read accounts like this, multi-decade marriage, kids, faithful spouse, all tossed away for a new sexual/attention thrill with brazen betrayal and deception, i.e.:

She even texted me "I love you babe" when she was going to meet him for sex and would come home and act like nothing happened.

Then, when busted, the begging begins. Nauseating.

Im going to advise you to not trust one more word that proceeds from her mouth. Not one. Its not that they are 100% all false, its that you can no longer afford to trust her. My advise now is to start making decisions for your own life and that of your children without regard for her. Its very very hard, but you know whats much harder? Trying to proceed as you have, only to be kicked in the teeth again.

So, details:

1. Get yourself back home lest you be charged with abandonment.

2. Tell her to leave your bedroom and sleep somewhere else. She has lost the privelege of sleeping in the same room with you, possibly permanently. Enact an in home seperation.

3. Get the std test immediately. If you decide to R, she will absolutely need one as well. Maybe have a complete physical. The stress of betrayal is massive.

4. Have a paternity test done for your kids. This is not just for you, its mostly for them. They will be filling out family medical history forms for the rest of their lives, as will their children. Thats how weighty a matter this is. I had it done for my kids. It killed me but I did it.

5. See an attorney to find out what your rights are in your state. If you are in an abominable "no fault state", you have a lot of thinking to do.

6. Talk with a good therapist. By good, I specifically mean someone experienced in betrayal trauma. If they are not, do not use them. Do not go to marriage counseling until/unless she has had a lot of IC, and then only if you lean toward R.

7. Gather trusted family and friends around you. You need a good team around for support. Do not keep her secrets.

8. If you are not already, keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times when you are around her. Dont disregard this. I had a friend who disregarded this advice and paid a terrible price in the form of a false DV charge.

9. Do not include your TW in any of these plans/decisions. She has thrown that right away. Keep your own counsel.

10. Step up your self care exponentially. Exercise, nutrition, hydration, time with friends/family, extra time with your kids, stay away from alcohol.

11. The next is my strongest reco yet. As your trust and goodwill has been abused in the worse way, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and act accordingly. Seriously. Order it today. Its your antidote.

As I said earlier, time to chart your own course.

Clarity to you in the days ahead.

ETA: No, not all women who lose a lot of weight and get in shape betray their spouse. My now-wife did so and looked like a young Jane Russell. Eyeballs clicked when we walked in a room. If anything, she was more committed to me and stayed glued to my side in social settings. As proud as I was of her physical progress, I was more proud of her faithfulness, loyalty, committment, respect and character. I, of course, reciprocated in like kind, if not more.

The fact that we are both survivors of prior brutal betrayals has helped us as well.

Without faithfulness, loyalty, respect and committment you have nothing.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 6:58 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

How are you doing Toby?

Have you developed a plan to move forward? Keep taking action, try not to fall in limbo purgatory.

Best of luck

Not going so good. Im back home and were going to marriage counseling. Total crap. Im somehow the bad guy in all this. She went from begging me back now its back to cold as ice again. Lots of fighting. She wants to rug sweep it and have me not bring it up or "Throw it in her face". The counselor says dont look through her phone and for my wife to change her passcode. Looking through her phone is pointless now anyways because im sure shes extra cautious and deletes everything. The counselor says she has a right to privacy and I have to trust her if I want this to work what a joke!! My gut feeling is that she still has feelings for this guy or she wants to be single and date a bunch of guys. I look at her and its like I dont even recognize her anymore its like she has this cold,dark look in her eyes. We get along fine if I keep my mouth shut and go through the motions. I mention divorce and she says she doesnt want that but its not looking good. My kids have to witness us fighting and they arent ok with it. I think divorce is the only way foward at this point. Really sucks..

A bad mc will do so much harm to an already fragile marriage. Your unremorseful WS has now been given permission by a "professional " to hide secrets,and has advised rugsweeping. It's nearly impossible to reconcile after a bad mc.

She's giving you no choice.

Sorry Toby….

I concur with HellFire that a bad MC can set you backwards at a minimum and totally destroy R. IMO, going to MC too early is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. I did that and our MC (LMFT and Gottman trained) was nothing but an "excuse machine" for my WW while making ME out to be the asshole. It all came to head when the MC told me my "inability to accept the information my WW has supplied would be all the info I would get (my WW was still holding back APs among other things at this point), that I might need IC for MY issues". I told MC "if this is all the info I get, I’m going to divorce her lying, cheating ass". MC then suggested a polygraph. I agreed and got multiple additional confessions….

I dropped out of MC and MC became WW’s IC. Provided her EMDR and all kinds of support for "her pain". And continued to be an "excuse machine". The only thing that saved us is my WW decided she needed an IC to "hold her accountable". Her new IC did from Day 1.

I’m still avoiding MC for now.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 6:59 PM, Wednesday, March 6th]

Toby:

Demand a new MC, hopefully you have several options in your area. Try to find one that has experience in infidelity/betrayal maybe even based on Gottman theory. Refuse to go back to the one you went too... Your wife has given up the right of privacy when it comes to anyone outside the marriage... her 'right to privacy' at this point only means she can shut the door when she goes to the bathroom. Not only do you need to make sure she is still NC with her AP but you need to go through her texts/FB messages/Snapchat/Instagram et al to see if she confided her affair with any of her friends, and whether those friends were encouraging her... those 'friends' need to be cut out of her life. If she confided her affair to a relative (mom, sister, or cousin) that was supportive of her actions... oh boy, good luck... you're screwed. But you need to know.

You did great moving out, you survived being away from the children sure, it sucked...but compare that to now-- living with an unremorseful wife that just wants you to shut up, not throw it in her face and the "lots of fighting"... how is that good for your children? How do you like living like this?

Ask your wife what she would do if you did everything she did with another woman? Maybe twist the knife a little, and add "I would have had a bit more class and paid for a hotel room rather than a Target parking lot" You may have already asked this of your wife, I'd be curious about her response. I hate to be so blunt and uncouth... but everything happened in a car in a parking lot, right?... that's the actions of a common streetwalker. Again, sorry for the bluntness and it's not like things would be better if they did get a hotel room, but seriously wife, parking lot hookups???

Toby73,

STOP MC NOW!

MCs are solely focused on saving the marriage whereas your WW's actions show that the marriage might not be worth saving.

What about STI tests?

You have a say in this man. Please find some resolve if not for yourself, then for your kids.

You can do this!

I did go through all her texts and her sister was her partner in crime she cheats on her husband too. She would watch our daughter when my wife would go meet him.. encouraging and egging her on. I guess her AP has older kids that live with him so they couldnt go to his place all the time so they went to the parking lot when his kids were home. She claims that most the time they would just talk and kiss in the parking lot but there was one sexual incident with the dildo and they screwed at his place once. So shes saying 2 times in 3 months...yeah ok. She claims thay she broke it off after the meeting at his place and the texts confirm that. She told him she feels awful and still loves me. He said that he wants a relationship and doesnt want to sneak around and that was the last of the communication from what I can see.

Toby73,

She loves you but she wouldn't get tested for STIs?

And man, I'm sorry but what the hell kinda family you married into? Does your brother in law know that his wife cheats on him?

No more MC. She needs IC with someone versed in infidelity who will hold her accountable. And she needs to be 100% transparent for the foreseeable future. If she can’t understand the absolute necessity of her building back trust then you have nothing to work with.

Study and implement the simplified 180.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180

She said she made an appointment for the STI guess shes going to get it when she gets her mammogram next week. She says im being rediculous and that they used protection both times but shes a liar and I dont believe it. She said in counseling that she hasnt been happy in years and wanted a divorce but was afraid to tell me and didnt want to break up the family. I guess I was being mean to her she says. I think it was just an excuse to cheat. We were getting along great for the most part with the occational arguement. I think she just got bored with me and cheated the first chance she got after the weight loss.

I asked her what she would do if she was in my shoes and she just says "I dont know" thats the only answer I ever seem to get. She has an extremely avoidant personality like her mother avoids confrontation at all costs lots of stonewalling and silent treatment. I watched a video about narcisism and she checks every box. Im going to see her sisters husband this weekend Ill have a little chat with him.

I'm sure she deleted the texts with the AP, but there's a chance she didn't delete the texts with her sister... anyway you can get them in order to have proof for your BIL? You definitely need to inform the BIL... any potential ally on her side of the family may help. Have you exposed the affair to her parents yet? If not, you may want to wait until you can inform your BIL then the both of you can expose the daughters to their parents at the same time. While blood is thicker than water.. getting hit with a double whammy of being informed that your 2 daughters cannot remain faithful in their marriages may make the parents pause in rallying around their daughters. Also, from a tactical standpoint, the parents may face the possibility of having to help fund both daughters' legal expenses which they may balk at because of the reason for the divorce. Not to mention, they would seriously have to reflect on how they raised their daughters to act this way.

This counsellor is total garbage and should be reported. The proper advice for your WW would be total transparency going forward, not double down on the secrecy. Fire that counsellor immediately.

Your wife has no interest in atonement. Is there any relationship left to salvage if she can use the Target parking lot for her pleasure and act dismissive towards you for being upset? There is no affection or respect for you. She’s checked out, and you should end it too. I do not envy you the fight you have on your hands with that woman in a divorce.

Yes I have all the texts her sisters included they were actually bragging and compairing storys about their car adventures. I let their father know and Im pretty sure the whole family knows but they stick together and will always take their side. Somehow this will be my fault it always is.

Have you spoken to an attorney? Because right now, you don't have a WS with whom you can reconcile. You'll be best served to move forward as if you were getting divorced. Ditch the MC. Right now, with a unremorseful WS, the marriage isn't savable.

She texted him and said she feels terrible and guilty about what she did and doesnt want to continue with it.

In the warped mind of a WS this means you should be happy. Because she choose you. The an issue is on you, because you're not glad about it.

She says im being rediculous and that they used protection both times

She flat out lied to you when you noticed the signs. Then kept cheating. It'd be ridiculous for you to believe anything she says that doesn't have backing evidence to support her claims. She hasn't admitted anything you didn't already know. Along those lines, you should consider DNA testing the kids. Not because you don't think they are yours, but because it's possible with a wife who has shown they are capable of cheating, that they aren't.

I asked her what she would do if she was in my shoes and she just says "I dont know" thats the only answer I ever seem to get.

That's another lie. Translation is she knows, but isn't telling you. The honest answer would be she would be divorcing your ass, but she hopes to fix the marriage instead.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:32 PM, Wednesday, March 6th]