SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What I hope to do while away for a week is to try overlay the above to my own situation and understand what I want, what I need and what my emotional capabilities are. I know this sounds a little esoteric, but it’s how I make decisions.

I dont thinks its esoteric. I think you are trying to make as reasoned a decision as possible in as emotionally charged circumstance possible short of death of a loved one. Take all the time you need in order to do so.

Two threads Id recommend you review are that of Spaceghost0007 and Walloped. Interestingly enough, both betrayals happened in 2015. The first divorced his wife, the second reconciled. You could also look for direction from other Waywards on this site by posting questions in the General forum and invite their input. There are some outstanding former wayward contributors that could add serious value to your deliberations.

Try to process on the basis of probability, as in, knowing what you know of her, the betrayal and yourself, what is the probabilty that you can reach an acceptable level of personal happiness (define what that is) if she does everything optimally to strive for long lasting reconciliation and can sustain that effort.

The other is your risk tolerance. IMO, in general, marital traitors are terrible risks. If the first betrayal hurt you more than thought possible, what would a second do? I say this with an incredibly heavy heart as I lost a friend under these circumstances. By lost I mean took their life. This is the russian roulette that traitors play with other people's lives. Its part of the horrible calculus of marital treason.

Strength and clarity to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 6:34 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

The kids are college age.

I would have already told them and forwarded them
That special Valentine’s Day txt exchange.

It’s just better to know early who’s on your side or not.

Plus, just about every situation I’ve read where the BS went scorched earth, it tended to be a favorable result for them, D or R.

Love me some spaceghost and shamwow. Vintageretro also.

Again, revenge is not your goal. Consequences yes. I also agree that now is not the time to think if you are capable of R or head straight to D. The primary focus should be your mental health. So you can be in the right frame of mind to take the best decisions.

You are already doing a good job of being in control. keep that momentum going and you will be ok.

Forwarding any kind of message to the young daughters is cruel. It serves no purpose but to traumatize them.

OP, I really think you need to separate yourself from this toxicity and see what life has to offer "outside the fence". You deserve to be happy. You deserve a partner who you can trust. You'll never know what joys life has in store for you if you don't at least take a look. If down the road you feel you want to reconnect with your WS you can always take another shot. My guess is that you'll find happiness and won't want to look back.

That WW's family needs to knows about her affair--the information ideally coming from HER--is **not about revenge**. This is @JC's family as well too.

WW's daughters need to know that this is NOT about JC suddenly deciding to walk out on them. And WW's parents need to know that this is NOT about JC suddenly deciding to walk out on their daughter and grand-daughters. For THEIR OWN sake, as well as JC's sake.

WW needs to let her family know about her affair, to protect JC and his relationships with her family. The sordid details do not need to be revealed, that does no good and is simply not fair to the daughters.

(By the way, I like what @Sammich said, just above this post.)

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:37 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Just to piggyback off of fooled.

They need to be told.

She also needs to be surrounded by people who love her and want what’s best for her.

It is not good to leave her all alone. You are asking for trouble.

She is not going to sit in a room by herself all week meditating.

She is likely to call her toxic friends or someone else who may not have her best interest at heart.

Also second and third the people who say you still need to be vigilant and keep an eye on her.

Maybe you can get a tablet and sync it to her phone.

Seeing her say something horrible to her friends could give you real insight.

Or catching her contacting him again, that would give you real clarity.

Also want to say you are handling this very well.

There are positive signs but this is going to be tough to get over.

I think I mentioned earlier that I’ve been doing this, focusing on betrayed men. The outcomes seem to fall into several broad categories. I’ll note those. There’s no judgement here. We all just do the best we can.

You really have done your homework, haven’t you? I have come up with similar categories, though I will say that I believe there is an additional one that has less rosy tint to it post divorce. I think having a clear picture of what future options might be can only help us make the best decisions we can given our circumstances. I admire your journey so far, wishing you, your girls, and even your wife a safe landing.

And to add to what Confused282 said:

Your WW's family knowing about WW's affair, this is for WW herself too. She is indeed in a crisis and she needs to be looked after, some sort of intervention for her own sake. She is prone right now to doing something very drastic that serves no one.

YOUR WW'S FAMILY HAS TO BE NOTIFIED ABOUT HER AFFAIR ASAP! IT IS SIMPLY TOO DANGEROUS FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED INCLUDING WW, FOR THEM NOT TO KNOW.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:37 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Notifying family is not equivalent to forwarding sexually explicit messages .

Good Lord. Dont show the kids those messages. That's ridiculous. Telling them the truth,age appropriately, yes. But no to the actual evidence.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:29 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Please do not show the daughters those messages. Good Grief. That serves no one, least of all the daughters. They deserve to know and need to know the reason why OP and their mom are on the verge of divorce, but they do not need to have the sordid details.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:51 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Lol ok maybe don’t give them details!
But you should make it known in the family whats really going on before a different narrative
Is presented.

^^This I agree with 100% as well

DobleTraicion said:

The other is your risk tolerance. IMO, in general, marital traitors are terrible risks. If the first betrayal hurt you more than thought possible, what would a second do?

JC,

Last Thursday, I posted that your WW’s behavior didn’t sound like a "first time cheater:

You also mention until you saw the incriminating text, everything seemed great in your marriage. My concern is this may not be your WW’s first rodeo. My WW was a serial cheater (read my story for the details). Her initial infidelities resulted in her withdrawing from me, withholding sex and telling me "she didn’t think she loved me". Her later ones, I had zero clues. She treated me great, sex was frequent, I thought we "had made it". The way she entered affairs also changed. She went from cultivating relationships over weeks or months that turned into affairs (friendship to EA to PA) to going to GNO (with her like-minded cheating girlfriends) and picking up randos. Her 8th affair (makes you cringe, huh) was with a tow truck driver. Like your WW’s affairs, there was "no romance" no dates, no dinners no gifts. She would get off work, meet him in a commuter lot by work, have a quickie or give him oral in his tow truck (had to be done in 30 minutes) and then head home. They would try to meet weekly but wound up every 2-3 weeks because he kept getting calls when he was supposed to be meeting (and his pregnant wife was the dispatcher!).

So when you say "the A started that night", I’m assuming you mean they became physical immediately. That doesn’t sound like a "first timer". Her willingness to discuss her affair with her friends also shows they are complicit. If not cheating themselves, they are certainly "supporting her decisions to cheat" and not friends of the marriage.

Sadly, this is based on my own experience with a serial cheater and finding out "many years later" (which adds a whole other layer to the "shit sandwich"). So far, you are demonstrating "master class" awareness, approach and process to being struck with Infidelity. Kudos to you for that. So far, it isn’t clear how much (if any) information your WW has presented you with related to her affair (or affairs) that you didn’t have clear proof of. That is pretty typical. "Minimize the damage". If this one affair is the "deal-breaker" for you (and that would be totally understandable and appropriate) and you move to D, whether this is her first and only affair is irrelevant. If you decide to R, then you need the full truth and scope of her infidelities and/or inappropriate conduct during the time your relationship was exclusive. You mentioned 2 polygraphs (one for the current affair and one for the "marriage"), I hope that is what you are referring to. As DT says above, if one affair is this devastating, how bad will more be? The last thing you want to do is go down that long path of R only to find out at some later date, this affair is but the tip of the shitty iceberg.

JC, your assessment of BH men is spot on. You’ve done something in days/weeks what has taken most years to learn. Again, well done.

Many are telling you "Don’t decide anything right now!!". I’m curious what those folks would say is the "danger" in filing for D now. D’s take many months, often a year or more, and can be stopped anytime. What’s the potential "disaster" of "filing too early"? I don’t see it. As she’s served you can, if you wish, tell her she has until the D is final to convince you otherwise but you won’t be lifting a finger to help her figure out her shit. That must be all on her.

And even post D, what law says you couldn’t reconsider her if 200 miracles occur and she truly does convince you to give her another shot?

And of course, everyone ought to know why you filed. Adultery is all you need to say.

Icedover84

Yes, I really want you to blow up the lives of the GNO friends. They deserve it for allowing, if not encouraging, your WW to compromise her integrity.

I don't know what your story is but a wild guess - did it involved your WW's A being covered up and encouraged by her girlfriends?

He's mentioned that her friends knew.

Many are telling you "Don’t decide anything right now!!". I’m curious what those folks would say is the "danger" in filing for D now. D’s take many months, often a year or more, and can be stopped anytime. What’s the potential "disaster" of "filing too early"?

I don’t personally think it’s a question of how long the legal machinery takes to grind. It’s more a question of doing and saying things that can’t be taken back. I, for one, if I end up getting divorced, know that I will not regret the time I have put into trying to salvage my marriage. For me to walk away and be able to look myself in the mirror will require a belief that I gave it my all. I state again that I believe OP is missing a category of men who walked away out of pride and are left wondering what might have been.

These are the highest of life stakes. You seem to have a keen mind. Just make sure you can live long term with the choices you make right now while you are in your trauma.

I state again that I believe OP is missing a category of men who walked away out of pride and are left wondering what might have been.

While I'm sure there must be some with this story out there, I don't recall any. I suspect this is a small set.