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As has been repeatedly said, your self awareness is truly impressive. Also, to bang the same drum, don't mention the reconnection. She needs to learn to live with herself, and if she's checking a bunch of boxes to get you back it may in part to unburden herself of the sins she is buried under. "See, I wasn't all bad. He came back!" That's not growth. That's desperation. She likely needs to hit rock bottom with no hope of regaining what she had to really grow. This should also help her relationship with her daughters.

I see you truly fulfilled sooner rather than later. While the pain of infidelity is immense, it will be a catalyst for the next chapter in your life where you will realize your potential. Embrace that. I love that you want to explore changing careers to something that is about more than paychecks. Good for you. Sincerely.

Also, the focus on IC is spot on. I'm here in part because of childhood trauma, combat PTSD and infidelity in my past life that all merged into one spectacular bag of cats in my subconsciousness. I tried to address each one independently--which largely meant I white-knuckled my way through some pretty dark times. You realize, much younger than I did, that you can't treat them as though they are separate. They are at your core and must be addressed holistically. Well done.

Stay strong.

ETA-gr8ful makes an excellent point on why it makes sense tactically to leave reconciliation open. You can clearly navigate this particular dilemma with both eyes open.

[This message edited by 1994 at 9:13 PM, Friday, March 15th]

I admire your strength and clear-thinking, JC. A few thoughts...

1. I agree with the others that telling your WW that you may consider getting back together in a year, is not a good idea. For the reasons already mentioned.

2. Please make sure that your WW's daughters and parents know about WW's affair (without sharing gory details/TMI). This isn't about punishing anyone, this is about sharing information that WW's family needs to have. This affects THEIR lives as well and THEY will be confused and in pain and wondering what happened too. The daughters deserve to know that you didn't just suddenly decide to walk out on them. And your WW's parents deserve to know that you didn't just decide to walk out on their daughter and family. Finally, your WW needs support from her family and so for her sake they need to know what actually happened. Related to this is you need to decide how you would like to handle relationships with your WW's family going forward from this too.

3. You will go back and forth on your emotions...

That said, please reconsider offering your WW the possibility of a post-divorce "marriage 2.0" at this stage. That could send her mixed signals IMHO and might lead to bitterness and heartbreak down the line.

As one who mentioned this, it’s clear I need to remind everyone WHY I think it *could* be a good idea to dangle a SMALL hope of reconciliation after a year of no contact: BETTER TERMS IN THE DIVORCE. If she believes this is a 100% dealbreaker with zero chance of ever getting back together, she MAY go über-nasty in the D and make your life even worse. Maybe, just maybe, if she thinks there’s a remote chance you could reconnect one day, maybe just maybe she’d be more prudent, fair, dare I hope "generous" in the D terms?

Oh no! Some will say this is mean and cruel to dangle hope like this to her. It might lead to a bit of heartbreak in her! Puh-leaze. After what his wife did, would this tactic truly be of the devil as some might think? Hardly. And he’d NOT even be lying here. He’s only thinking about saying MAYBE in one year. So if she gets a big grin, and says ala Jim Carry in Dumb & Dumber, "So you’re telling me there’s a chance?!?", then all the better. If after that one year JC’s long over her (which I suspect he will be) and tells her to pound sand, and she’s been pining away for a full year only to be sad to hear he’s not interested? Well that’s too bad for her. Doesn’t remotely compare what she DELIBERATELY did to him, whereas his future decision would not be "deliberate cruelty", unlike her actions.

I’m on the way home but wanted to write a quick reply to all those that have commented on my last post. Again, I appreciate you all taking the time to offer both guidance and support. You’re an incredible resource. I’ve read and re-read all the comments and I now agree that offering my WW any hope for R at this point would be unwise. Although I was thinking it was a very slim possibility, I was also probably looking for a way to soften the blow. I have a tendency to do that. I’m not looking forward to the weekend. Thanks again.

Dangling the possibility of reconnecting after the divorce in order to maybe get better terms is actually a pretty smart idea.

I feel that he should offer the possibility of reconciliation if his heart is leading him in that direction. Not to get a better deal in his divorce.

Yes, it may hurt her to find out later that he has changed his mind, but as long as he is being honest the entire time, it is fair to both of them. There may be a road back, or the road may lead in another direction, but that will be between the two of them.

I'm on the "Tell her there's a chance" even if it is razor thin....not just for better terms.

I’ve read and re-read all the comments and I now agree that offering my WW any hope for R at this point would be unwise. Although I was thinking it was a very slim possibility, I was also probably looking for a way to soften the blow. I have a tendency to do that. I’m not looking forward to the weekend. Thanks again.

I affirm this decision. Its not that there is not any hope/chance that R could happen down the road (albeit admittedly slim), just that, for now, keeping that thought to yourself is the wiser choice.

Strength to you this weekend sir.

I think the best approach is to be transparently honest about your feelings. The trick of course is sorting out your feelings, which are probably very complicated for understandable reasons.

Keep this in mind: it is possible, even common, to hold conflicting and even mutually inconsistent feelings about a thing simultaneously. This can create confusion or indecision, and yet in life one must act and decide. Most do this by creating inner hierarchies or decision trees.

As to your WW, it's likely you love her and always will. That's pretty normal. When you love somebody deeply you give them a piece of your heart that you never get back.

At the same time, you're repulsed by her, hurt, humiliated, and mainly you are unable to trust her with your heart, to the point where you can't see a path forward to having a functioning marriage with her. That is also normal. It's the reason why a large percentage of couples divorce after infidelity.

In other words, for a lot of betrayed men, we divorce not because the love dies. We divorce because the trust dissolves, and without trust, love exists in a vacuum. It's not enough to propel a functioning marriage.

JustCrushed:

Hope your time away was cathartic and restful. It seems like you've come to a decision which is great since you don't want to stay in limbo, wallowing in the situation, and paralyzed by analysis deciding how to move forward. There is nothing worse than reading a poster whose thread goes multiple pages over months (in some cases years) where you know at the end the poster is in the same position as when he or she first posted.

Time is the only commodity in life that cannot be bought, sold, borrowed, given out as a gift and it cannot be inherited-- it is the most valuable commodity. So it's great that you've developed a plan and started to implement it.

How was it when you returned home? Do you plan to stay in the home during the divorce? In-home separation can be tough... expect the love-bombing to be taken to an 11 by your WW. She will do anything and promise you everything to get you to change your mind. I highly advise you that one of you needs to move out... since she was the one who cheated, you have the moral high ground to ask her to move out (she has places to go... her parents, her boyfriend, etc.) But since there are no kids of the marriage, an abandonment claim by your WW is not on the table-- your current home maybe too triggering for you (especially if she's still there) and you may decide that you want to move out to start fresh. Nothing wrong with that. Does your WW have the resources to buy you out of your house in the divorce?

Once you've talked with your WW about your decision, implement the 180/gray rock method hard... you need to continue to detach, emotionally as well as physically from your WW. Also be on guard with your WW asking to stay "friends" during and after the divorce... this is a common tactic by waywards to lessen their feelings of guilt and to portray to the outside world that the waywards weren't as villainous as they really were.

Keep staying strong JustCrushed.

It just been a really tough few days. When I got home Friday, WW was there and seemed really glad to see me. She tried to engage and give me a hug. I really didn’t want to have "the" conversation with her right then, but it just happened. We sat down and I told her that she had been the love of my life, that I stilled cared for her, but I was filing for divorce. She seemed absolutely stunned. I went on to say that the pain and the cruelty with which it was delivered was something that I was not going to be able to get past and our marriage was over.

We were sitting on the sofa and she just collapsed on me, sobbing uncontrollably. We hadn’t touched in days and I’ll admit that holding her somehow felt good. This went on for some time, and I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. Is this even normal? When she finally stopped crying, I told her we could talk logistics over the weekend when she was ready and then went outside.

We talked on and off all weekend. At times she was composed and at times she was a mess crying and begging me for another chance. I think I’m pretty sensitive, and it was painful to see and hear her like that. I just had to stand my ground and repeat that there was no way we were staying married. She did agree to share my attorney. She’s unsure about trying to keep the house, but that’s not a top priority right now. It was a really long weekend.

I talked with my (our) attorney this morning and told him WW was coming into see him and that I was ready to file. He also advised that me moving out of the house would not be an issue. I’m going to move as soon as possible. Everything in the house is a trigger, including my WW. I have several appointments to look at apartments this afternoon and this evening.

We both got our STD test results and we’re both clear. While that was a relief, it was pretty much a gut-punch reminder why all this is happening. Now that I’m back home, I think the enormity of the situation is starting to hit me. In just a few weeks my life has been totally turned upside down, and I keep asking myself how the fuck did I get here. I’m just really down right now. Thanks for listening. I don’t share with anyone but you, so I appreciate being able to keep doing that.

You're doing the hardest part very well. You may still be largely numb to it due to the amount of shock you experienced, but you've made nothing but good decisions. Saying goodbye really is the only answer to a betrayal of this magnitude. I'm also glad you didn't postpone the conversation. You ripped the band-aid off and now the detangling of your interests can begin.

How are your step-daughters during all of this?

All the emotions you are feeling are normal. It is earth shattering to break apart a relationship that you’ve invested so much into.
I am sorry for all that you have gone through. The way you have handled the entire situation has been nothing short of remarkable and admirable. Your WW lost a good man. But you are still young so you have a whole life ahead of you.
I wish you strength and hope for brighter days ahead.

JustCrushed, I don’t post much anymore and have been here a fairly long time, and wanted to add a couple of things.

First, you sound like a great guy. Don’t let this experience change who you are at your core. Your WW is responsible for this mess, not you. Sure, you are responsible for your part in the marriage but none of her A.

Your summary of the types of husbands and their actions / decisions post dday are very accurate. I fall into the 3rd category. I stayed, went through hell, and are we are in a better place.

Now, if you were to ask me if it was "worth" it. Simple answer is no. In hindsight, I should have left around dday 1 (I’ve had a few). It has been nearly 10 years and my WW’s A’s are still on my mind every day. Not debilitating pain each day, but the memories pop up just about daily. I’m forever changed and not for the better.

So, based on my experience with infidelity, I think you are making the right choice even though I didn’t.

There's no good way to end a marriage, but you're doing it on your terms and with integrity. It's healthy that you're acknowledging your doubts, but just remember that those feelings are a reflex to the life you had with the woman you thought was your wife. Never forget that. The woman who is now crying and begging for another chance is not actually the person you married. That woman was an illusion, and the reality is who you're facing now. Someone who could cheat and act in incredibly selfish, thoughtless ways.

Also, backpedaling because she's so upset wouldn't help her either. It gives her hope that you don't have to give. Best to just end it amicably and quickly.

When do you plan to tell your daughters? I'd recommend you tell them together so that your wife can take her first steps toward regaining her own integrity. Your life will go on and you will be better for it.

And keep posting. You have a whole community of support here.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 6:55 PM, Monday, March 18th]

Just Crushed, You've handled this whole ordeal about as well as anyone I've seen on this or any other board. I also think you've made the right decision for you. Others in your position may well have made a different choice, but what I have gathered from your posts is that you've felt this was a 95% deal breaker from D day. After much thought, the remaining 5% fell into place. Stay strong and true to yourself. You seem to have a clear vision of how to proceed and I would just encourage you to stay the course.

Hi, Just Crushed, please, if you are having trouble coping or sleeping, make an appt. with your MD for some temporary medications to help you through your darkest days.

IMO most of us here had to take something, at minimum a sleep aide to get us through those first few months and beyond. When our body is rested, our mind is a bit clearer.

I'm so so sorry your marriage is ending. When the time is right, please lean on a trauma counselor (can't recall if you already have one), a TRUSTED friend or family member or member of the clergy if you are so inclined.

Wishing you strength and courage and peace in the coming weeks and months. You've just boarded this emotional roller coaster from hell, take care of yourself as best as you can, exercise, rest, eat healthy, and do not isolate yourself from the outside world, find time to do the things that make you happy and surround yourself with people who care about you.

Hey there. Thanks for sharing. Again I'm sorry you are going through this.

Did she ever tell you how this whole thing started? Why she thought it was a good idea? What made her be accepting of having an affair?

Just wondering. Not sure she’ll tell you now if she hasn’t already.

JC, The end of a marriage is always sad. You must grieve it.

You seem so mature and even keeled, even though you might not feel like it right now. Do reach out to a friend or two to talk to. This is a setback yes, but there will be better things in store for you. A year away from the betrayal, your WW and the negativity will make a world of difference.

Don’t burden yourself with any of the shame associated with this. The onus of talking to the stepdaughters should be on your wife. Your focus right now should be your well-being. You could step in later to talk to them. Make no promises of financial support , reconnecting with their mother or anything else. You don’t know yet how this will play out. They are older and hopefully can see right from wrong but you never know. She is their mother after all, so don’t take it personally if the connections are severed.

Your relationship with them needs to have boundaries if it continues . Your connection with them is also a chance for your WW to keep the connection alive. Once you have healed, you really must try dating other people casually. You can’t let your WW hold you back, so for that there needs to be limited contact.

I know you feel sorry for your WW when she’s such a mess. I bet she regrets it now that there are life altering consequences. You have to remember though she put your marriage on the line so callously, a relatively happy stable marriage with someone that calls her the love of his life despite everything. She also denied you the chance of being a biological parent ( selfishly so) while not thinking about having casual sex with someone. There is some inherent selfishness there and like someone else pointed out this was probably a "safer" time for her to cheat, now that the daughters are older and independent. Again, it’s a reflection on her and not you. So while there is a small chance you might want get back together, she has a ton of soul searching to do.

My IC always tells me to not let the betrayal define my life entirely. Enrich it with positive people and positive experiences. That would be my hope for you.

Take care !

JC

I'm glad that the STI panel was negative, especially given that she had several unprotected sex encounters with a felon who has sex with strangers.

Did you talk to your WW about how to communicate the news of your impending split to the twins? Has she said anything to them already?

Also, did your WW say anything about her "why"? I know you're just sharing a snippet of your interactions but other than breaking down and crying, has she said anything about her A?

In merely three odd calendar weeks you have experienced and surmounted more infidelity challenges than what many of us struggled to manage over several years.

More power to you my man!