Hi JC. Hopefully you are finding some ways to distract yourself from the pain Your WW inflicted.
I don’t want to reiterate what others have said and so I hope this is something a little new to focus on, although I do believe others have alluded to it in Their comments.
One of those posters is M1965. He wrote a post on page 7 of your thread that merits re-reading if you have the time. It was about your wife people-pleasing.
It is a subtle point, but I want to highlight it to you.
Often BS’s want to make sure their exposed WS’s are doing everything they can to rebuild what they destroyed. And like others, I believe you have rocked it when it comes to doing everything right after DDay. And you rightfully told your wife what she needs to be doing, focusing on and what actions to take both right now and possible after D if that comes to pass.
But there is a fine line to be walked here. You cannot lead this process. You can for yourself, but you cannot and should not for her.
If she is going to be able to rebuild any of this, whether it’s D or R, she needs to be the proactive one. And by that I dont mean just proactively doing what you asked her to do, but by coming up with the full plan of actions herself. And As M1965 said it can’t just be because she is doing these things just to "please" you, but that she truly wants to do them because she has it in her heart to make them happen. That she truly wants to do them.
I know it’s a big uphill, cliff climbing, battle to even see a chance that you two could reconcile. But from her perspective, if she wants even a chance to have you in her life, she needs to be researching what it means to recover after infidelity and more importantly how to help a hurt spouse heal.
And you can’t spoon feed those things to her. You told her what you need honestly, but the one thing I’d add to that list is that she should be creating the list and maintaining it and adding to it as she learns what she needs to do. So I recommend making that clear to her.
I’ve often said here, if the BS leads the recovery, and micromanages what their WS needs to do to rebuild, then the BS runs the risk of not reconciling with their WS, but instead, reconciling with themselves. That’s a place you don’t want to end up. She needs to do the work. Whether the end result is D or R, she needs to lead so success or failure is on her, not you.
And with that in mind, First and foremost she should be putting your pain above her own. Do you hear or feel anything from her that she recognizes how she has devastated you and the pain this has inflicted? That fact should be more mortifying to her than the pain she feels for herself and what she is losing. Again, that’s very subtle. But when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of whether R will ever be possible and real, even if unlikely, it’s important for her to find this true empathy for what she has done to the man she vowed to Love Honor Cherish and Protect (something she failed on all counts).
And finally, even more difficult to comprehend and of course monitor and prove, I would communicate to her that there will be no chance of even a possible friendship if she holds the AP in her heart in any way shape or form. Unless she views him as a true piece of shit who helped her destroy the man she vowed to be her partner for life and the family you and she had worked hard to create, she will not have any chance of being in your life going forward.
Of course it’s very difficult for her to prove that she sees him in nothing but a hellish light, but I’d let her Know that is on her to figure out and prove.
No WS ever thinks they will end up having to know how to rebuild after they cheated. They never thought they would do what they did, and it’s typical for them to be lost in what to do after discovery day. But it’s what they do once they find themselves having destroyed all around them that shows if they are a candidate to at the very least fix what is wrong inside of them to make the choices they did. Your wife from what you told us hasn’t shown yet if she has that capability. We will see as time goes forward if she exhibits a true willingness to learn and execute what a WS must do to successfully rebuild in some way shape or form.
I feel for you JC. As we all here do. Whatever path you take it’s a long road back to happiness. I am confident you will find your way there as you seem to be strong and determined even in the midst of a truly painful time. I wish you well
[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:17 PM, Wednesday, March 6th]