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I would guess that she told her mom about the affair because she was certain that you would.... and she needed to get ahead of it to control the narrative.

Only--- her side of the story is one of lies, projection, alienation, character assassinations, and falsehoods.... anything to avoid taking reasponsibility. She wants her parents on her side, and she'll do whatever it takes to make sure of it.

Be ready for accusations that you were caught multiple times being innapropriate with your own children. Your were physically violent and belligerant and she spent the entire marriage TERRIFIED of what a monster you were and lives each day in abject terror, and that you locked her in the basement and refused to feed her for a week straight because she folded your socks inside out that one time.

The lengths a cheater goes to to protect their affair and shield them from being guilty for the murder of the marriage are truly a marvel...

Yeah I understand I need to be careful with her Mum, and I am fully aware that no matter what has happened, she will always have her daughter's back.

Anniversary evening out is cancelled. Kids are still going away to my parents and I've booked a hotel to myself for the evening for some space to get away from the house.

Wife is now pressuring us for the night out as it will do us good. I am standing firm, so she knows I'm serious.

I am standing firm, so she knows I'm serious.

^^^Kudos to you for standing firm.

Right now there are three people in your marriage, one too many.

I also agree sending your wife to her mother's home. It's crowded, oh well.

Show her you will no longer tolerate her bullsh*t.

Do what Bigger suggested, stay firm. Meet with an attorney, no compromising with your wife.

If she gets her head out of her arsh soon, she should be begging you to stay and do everything it takes to move forward. NC with OM. IC for herself. IC for you. Reading books, suggest Not Just Friend by Shirley Glass. Complete transparency giving you access to everything....phone, emails, voicemails, a GPS tracker on her phone (and a secret one in her vehicle) Expose her to her close family and friends. Basically, no more Mr. Nice Guy. NO begging, no pleading, no helping her with anything except finances and the children. That's it.

Getting yourself out of infidelity is the first step in this nightmare your wife has created.

Wife is now pressuring us for the night out as it will do us good. I am standing firm, so she knows I'm serious.

I know this is hard, but try to be mindful of the situation you're in. Grey Rock. 180. Stainless steel. This is not to punish her, but to give your own mind room to maneuver with the facts and to not let your emotions influence your decision-making. Hours ago she was planning a life with Momma's Boy, to include another baby. That doesn't just go away. No one deserves to be dismissed like this. Consider the long-term health of your family and be kind to yourself also. Emotional distance is your best friend right now.
No cuddles!
Stay strong!

Lots of good advice here and you have started to do the right things. I will try not to repeat what you have been told.

I believe in honesty and simplicity when communicating your position on what is going on and the destructive choices your wife is making.

So if you haven’t already, I’d simply state, "it is clear you care for someone else and not me and you are in love with someone else and not me. It is also clear you are still involved and communicating with them. I won’t keep you from them and the happiness apparently you get from them, but I also won’t stay in a relationship with someone who has broken her vows and is protecting someone more than her own husband.

So I will work to legally end the marriage your choices have already destroyed.

I wish you well and unless it’s about the kids or finances I am no longer interested in discussing it".

Then see a few lawyers and pick one next week.

Whether or not you are destined for Divorce or Reconciliation, these are the first and next steps you should be taking.

With what she has done, there is no just saying "sorry" and returning to the marriage as it was. Honestly from this point forward, divorce is the easiest of the two paths for her. Reconciliation is impossibly difficult and rare.

The possibility of rebuilding something new, as the old is definitely dead, would take a complete turn around from her and then not just months, but years of sustained effort, concentration and dedication from her. Most Waywards don’t have it in them to do that.

MC is not what is needed now. She would need at least a year of individual therapy with an infidelity specialist to even begin a discussion about the possibility of starting something new.

So, even if someday you want to try again, in my opinion it’s best to start the D proceedings as soon as possible as they take a while. Then get yourself in with a trauma therapist as the healing process for you is as long or longer than what I described above to fix herself.

Concentrate on you and your kids. Find a path that makes a home for them without her, as hers is going to be unstable for a long time.

And if, and that’s a very unlikely if, someday down the road she realizes what she’s done and wants to take the excruciatingly long road to recovery and re-earning trust and remorse and rebuilding, then you can entertain that discussion when it presents itself.

My hope is at that point you have built a new life with someone else who cares for and treats you like you deserve to be

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:32 PM, Friday, December 15th]

How do you know he no longer works for that company..and that he lives with his parents? From your wife? She's a liar..so..

Confirm for yourself. She may be telling you those things to protect him.

Never reveal your sources. Never tell her how you know she's still lying and cheating. She will just learn to hide it better.

Thanks everyone so much for the advice and support so far. It's been an incredible help even over these few hours since I posted.

My kids are now my absolute priority. I worry as financially I have no idea where I will be left, we are not the biggest earners by any stretch and I am on over double what my wife earns.

In the UK they do not take blame or reason for divorce in to account, and due to my job she would more than likely have the kids most for school runs etc, so financially I will be legally obliged to prop her up.

Absolutely not a problem, as I want my kids to be secure and happy, but I fear it leaves me with absolutely nothing left whilst she is shacked up with another wage straight away.

File immediately. Have your attorney put in the papers, that she isn't to introduce any new partners to the children for a specific amount of time. It is in the children's best interests, and a very common thing to do. Then,if she does bring him around the kids, she will be violating a court order.

Right now..she's a terrible mother. Good mothers don't blow up her children's family, happiness, and sense of security, for another man. Good mothers don't steal men into the house, when dads not home. She is not thinking about the well being of the children,at all.

If you are worried how the alimony and child support will be spent, then ask your attorney for specific clauses in the agreements.

Suggestions- you split the costs of teams, activities, extra curricular activities. You agree to pay for items when she presents receipts as an example.

You can agree to fund college expenses at a greater amount in lieu of paying for things now. This way you pay the university fees directly and can save up for them now (as a suggestion).

You can ask for child support to be paid into a college account. One she cannot touch.

I am in the UK too. You need to get a good divorce lawyer. There’s lots of well meaning advice here but it won’t be applicable to the UK things are different than in the US.

My initial thinking is to try to get her to move out of the house and you stay with the kids if you can afford it.

In the UK it’s pretty common to get a 50/50 child visitation split these days. If you go for that, you can get your solicitor to question why you would pay child support as half the time they live with you. This is what I would do.

Stay strong mate!

What makes my situation feel particularly difficult is that my wife is work from home in the beauty industry with a dedicated workspace.

She doesn't drive and the kids are 5 minute walking distance to school.

She would never find a house within budget on her own with enough bedrooms and working space, so her income would be zero if she can't work.

My working hours begin at 8am, approx 20 miles away so I am really unsure how I would be able to get the kids to school when I have them during the week.

I want them as much as practically possible, but I am very confused how it would all work

[This message edited by Brlywtr at 6:26 PM, Friday, December 15th]

A couple of quick points:
As jajay points out the advice offered might not apply in the UK. This is especially relevant to the advice on divorce, the d-process and all that.
All this talk about sending her home and all that… PLEASE – this is not realistic. Irrespective of who is on the deed and mortgage and all that. If the house is her legal residence she can not be forced. If she leaves it has to be on her own accord. I know that in the UK (as well as nearly the whole Western world) that if you were to kick her out and refuse her entry to her home she could have the police knocking on the door within half an hour.

I have to say I find some of your actions OP – and frankly some of the advice – bordering on naïve and are about as much fantasy as her affair.
What is the goal in canceling the anniversary celebration and huffing and puffing and taking a night alone at a hotel? I take it – since she wants to go out – that you haven’t told her WHY you canceled? This is the equivalent of The Silent Treatment or sulking.
No – I am not suggesting you go celebrate. BUT I am STRONGLY telling you that you should tell your wife something like:
"No. We won’t go celebrate our anniversary because there is nothing to celebrate while you are still committed to your infidelity…" and then go into the Bigger Speech.

Its really very simple: While she is pining for OM and making plans with him there is nothing to celebrate. No need to hide that.

I don’t know if this will help you but people in your community can help.

I had a number of single moms and at times I was home w/ kids while H traveled — we all helped each other.

We gave rides when needed or shared drop off/pick up etc.

Every grocery store delivers. You can save time grocery shopping by having your deliveries done at night when you are home.

When the chips are down you get creative and make it work. My son had a friend whose mom had 17 kids and she didn’t drive. But no one was left out. We drive this friend whenever possible.

Don’t look at the obstacles. Look at the solutions and think of ways to make things work.

Brly

You have one primary objective--- get yourself out of infidelity.

Yes, you'll have lots of questions, and concerns, and fears, and confusions... It will all get worked out.

Having to leave for work early and shuttle the kids back and forth and co-parent and worry about how to divy up finances--- these are all important questions that will get resolved.

But. first get yourself out of infidelity. the rest will come together.

There's been times I had to leave my house to get my son to cross country practice at 5 am.... it sucks driving my kids to different schools and it takes me two hours to get to work some days.
And it's all INFINITELY better than living with an unrepentant adulterer.

We develop new routines, new habits, new schedules. and it's all without the spectre of infidelity.

....I fear it leaves me with absolutely nothing left whilst she is shacked up with another wage straight away.

Not sure how things work where you are, but in the U.S., you might request a morality clause, whereby your WW would not be legally allowed to move someone in for a given amount of time, usually a year, after separation. Here, financial under-achievers like your WW might be court-ordered to find full employment as well. It might give her pause to find out that it's not so easy to move one man out and another in. This is where a good attorney can possibly help you.

Sir, so sorry you find yourself here. Marital treason is abominable in and of itself and is exponentially harder when young children are involved.

So, listen, your cheating wife (CW) is not on your team any longer. Shes not "in" the marriage any longer. You need to treat her as such. I know its far easier said than done and you cant just throw a switch and shut off a mindset that is decades in the making, but you need to accelerate that change by any means necessary. Print Bigger's input and read it as many times as needed. Keep it in a pocket and pull it out whenever you need a "shot in the arm". Sure wish I had this input back in the day. I slogged through a decade of absolute misery, doing so many things wrong. Dont be me.

Get a support group around you of loyal family, friends and a good counselor. You need people on team Brlywtr. Dont suffer in silence. Reach out and keep posting here.

Along those lines, make major time and resource investments in your own well being. Eat right, hydrate, take time to exercise (nothing like a good work out to decrease stress and help with sleep), get good rest (Id sleep anywhere but your marital bedroom). Take sleep aids if needed.

This is going to be a process that youll work through step by step. When you see a solicitor, they will walk you through the legal steps that youll have to take. Dont do any of this to get some sort of reaction from her. Do it for you. Because its what you need/want.

She may be playing her own game but your strong action will let her know that shes not going to control your agenda and the narrative any longer.

Strength and clarity to you sir.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:45 PM, Monday, December 18th]

I just wanted to reach out and say that I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. Please know that none of this is your fault.

Most people-the vast majority of the population- suffer with low mood and depression from time to time and sometimes more. Especially if life is stressful at times, like house moves etc.

It is no excuse to cheat. Post dday I picked away at myself and my supposed ‘faults’. I now know that the fault lies solely at their door. Sure, none of us are the perfect partner but it doesn’t excuse lying and cheating. Please don’t go down the road of self doubt, it’s not a good road. I know from my own experience. Please be kind you yourself.

I think it’s great that you have started meds and counselling. That will help. You are processing trauma right now. The more support you have the better.

Please know that we are here for you. This site was a life line for me and it helped me pull through.

You’re receiving great advice here. I just wanted to comment on the custody piece. Many working parents have their children 50% of the time. Simply, you’d have childcare lined up for your mornings, someone who’d come over and pop them off to school, and then someone who’d care for them after school until you get home. Then, you’re in Dad mode! Is it ideal? No, but it’s how it is in divorce. Parents who work out of the home shouldn’t be punished for that by only getting weekends with their kids. Missing out on the daily parenting, homework and bedtimes and teeth brushing, it’s not good for the parent or the child, and you sound like a very involved parent! If you have the ability to work fewer hours on days you have the kids and longer days on those you don’t, that’s another option. But please don’t sacrifice time with your children because she has the more flexible schedule.

Custody is one thing I’d ask lots of questions about when you talk with solicitors. How could 50/50 work? Do you live in an area where it’s common for judges to order that? What’s the next best scenario?

Good luck. Don’t let her newfound interest in having that date night away you off course. You’ve got this.

Brly

My issue with what’s happening is this:
It’s my understanding that your wife told you about the affair and that you gave her an ultimatum. Since that ultimatum you caught her talking to OM and discussing how they could be together. She doesn’t know that you are aware of ongoing contact between her and OM.

Your response…
Be vague about why you aren’t taking her out to dinner, and then have concerns about who will drop the kids off to school in a couple of months time…

One thing I try to avoid here on SI is implying that the advice offered by others isn’t good. Human relationships and interactions can be so complex that it’s near unheard of that someone comes up with the single and best solution to an issue. However… I do think some of the suggestions are not really thought through…

Like the "throw her out" in all it’s variations. Didn’t take me more than 10 minutes to confirm definitely that if your wife has her legal residence in the house you intend to kick her out of then she has a legal right to reside there, and a legal procedure needs to take place to change that. If you were to pack her bags and put them in the driveway she could quite easily and quickly call the police, and they would escort YOU out of the house while carrying her bags back in. Within 24 hours there would be a legal confirmation that you cant be anywhere within 50 feet of your own home, because YOU had applied domestic abuse to your wife.
This is not what I like, or would want to happen. It’s just plain old reality about your situation.

Then there is the "If I divorce who will drive the kids/make dinner/earn an income…" and all the variations of what if and how…
Friend – that’s about as logical and sensible as worrying that your flight to Spain next May just MIGHT get cancelled due to bad weather… You are having issues with problems that MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be relevant in the unclear distant future. There is no way for you to know what conditions might be like in six months…
Like your concerns about spousal support… Again… didn’t take much more than 10 minutes with Google to realize that a) length of your marriage, b) procedures in UK, c) WW earning capability (as opposed to what she WANTS to earn), d) age of kids… really won’t make that much of an issue. These are all things you would already know had you followed my advice and researched divorce and/or consulted an attorney.
What is relatively clear is that the UK has a relatively fixed child-support payments rate and the one deemed prime parent will be receiving those funds to support the kids.
Things like that you jointly purchased this house so she could work from home with her saloon… Well… when planning that future there was no element of OM being her beau. Change of plans -> she can go get a salaried job at some saloon downtown. Not your issue – not your monkey. You two married rather late, so you both have a track-record of financial survival as single people.

Like your relationship with your MIL… Yes – she will side with her daughter, and yes – chances are you won’t get a Christmas card from her 2024. So what? I had a decent enough and civil relationship with my former fiancés dad from our split until I heard of his passing, but it was definitely not the same as before-breakup nor like the relationship I have with my present in-laws. That’s just life.

In fact – it doesn’t really sound like you want a divorce…
We often talk about factors in the affair being fantasy… Like I have mentioned before your wife sees Bob as some White Knight and he’s all fantasy. What many forget is the fantasy we betrayed spouses sometimes partake in… That fantasy tends to be based on creating so much division and pain that the WS relents. That fantasy then goes into us remaining in the marriage because of the kids, finances or whatever…

Look – this site sometimes splits into two factions. There are those that insist that since your wife has cheated there is no future for you and her in a relationship. Then there are those that think that marriages can reconcile.
I’m quite clear on my stance: I think marriages can reconcile but only if the hard work is done to reconcile the marriage. If any part of that work is shunned, avoided or ignored then divorce is the better option. Doesn’t matter if it’s the WS or the BS that doesn’t do the work. If one or both is not ready to commit 100% -> DIVORCE.
Life is too short and time too precious to remain in a compromised marriage. If you want THIS marriage it needs to be because you WANT this marriage, nor because you fear losing it.
That want needs to be mutual. Your wife needs to want this marriage, not have a fear of losing her in-home hobby-saloon.

Right now she’s sending you mixed signals: On phone with Bob the Builder it’s all "what if’s and if only and I love you and if we could…". To you it’s all "lets celebrate our anniversary".
What you proposed to do is send her mixed signals: No, I wont go out on our anniversary but I’m going to make you deduct why rather than tell you why. To cause you concern and pain I’m going to a hotel and not telling you about it. In fact – with my history of depression I’m (maybe even subconsciously…) going to make you worry that I’ve topped myself by not coming home and not answering my phone…
(A realistic outcome of this being she calls the cops, and you have a registered instance of behavior supporting you might have mental health issues and/or knee-jerk reactions to serious issues… That goes down really well if custody was contested…)

What I am telling you to do is to make the present situation reality:
Start with what I recommended in my last post and then carry on:

"No. We won’t go celebrate our anniversary because there is nothing to celebrate while you are still committed to your infidelity…" and then go into the Bigger Speech.