SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've done the speech and this is where I've ended up

She wants to continue contact whilst also saying she doesn't know what she wants.

She wants the security of our home and family life with the affair still going on. Cake and eat it etc.

After implementing the speech and her still wanting to contact him, what do I do next? How do I act round the house? Where do we go from here?

You tell her she has left you with no choice. You will will start divorce proceedings today.

As for how do you act. Separate yourself from her as much as possible. Hang out with friends. Do things you used to do before her or that make you happy. But start the divorce today.

I’m so sorry that you are living in hell.

I’ve been in your shoes. My H had the audacity to tell me "he would let me know by the end of the summer what he was going to do" (be w/ me or OW). Stupidly I went along with it.

Your wife is playing a game she thinks she can win. She believes you will wait for her to decide. She believes she is a special sparkly goddess who can control and manipulate YOU into doing whatever SHE wants.

BTW my H thought the same thing during his mid life crisis affair.

Until I stopped playing his game.

I didn’t know about SI so I had to figure things out on my own. And I did.

From Dday 1 to Dday 2 was 6 months. In that time I had an exit strategy just in case I needed it. And in dday2 I’m glad I had it.

I saved money to have enough to live on in case he didn’t pay me any $.

I changed our life insurance so I was the account holder and could ensure he didn’t change the beneficiary.

I had copies of all financial documents in case we D. He could not hide a thing from me.

Dday2 was the day I stoped living in hell. I told my H I was D him b/c he left me with no choice. I did my best but he was still cheating and demanding a D and then changing his mind.

I then told him to "get out". He had the audacity to tell me he won’t leave (because now he wants me back). So I made a phone call and told him in 3 days you are going to a friend’s house and after that you are on your own. I no longer cared what he did or who he did it with.

And then I did the hard 180.

I didn’t talk to him unless the kids were around. I made myself scarce around the house and was out as often as possible. I didn’t do his laundry or cook dinner for him. No errands. No favors. Nothing.

And you know what? He finally realized he pushed me to far. He finally realized I could no longer be manipulated by him. He finally recognized that he was no longer in control of me or my life.

It’s been 10 years and we are happily R. I didn’t tell my H I was D him to stop the affair. I had every intention of D him.

But I can tell you that I now put myself first and he know it. He is not first nor is my marriage. I come first.

Wish I would have had the confidence and strength to do this years ago. It would have stopped me from being a doormat for 30 years.

She wants to continue contact whilst also saying she doesn't know what she wants.

She wants the security of our home and family life with the affair still going on. Cake and eat it etc.

I’m sorry you are in this spot Brlywtr. It is extremely painful and unfair. You are spot on with "cake eating" and it is straight from the "Cheaters Handbook". You have stated boundaries and your WW blows right past them. She isn’t confused about what she wants, she is showing you. Believe her actions, not her words. Cake eaters want to maintain the cake. Ego kibbles from the AP and stability from you. Absent that, she will have you dancing on the strings of the "pick me dance". She will appear to waffle but it’s all to continue "eating cake".

Bigger and many others have given you the template to follow. Pick a solicitor and file. Be civil while around your wife but keep interactions to the bare minimum (household, children, finances, etc.). YOU must take actions to remove yourself from Infidelity. Your WW has shown you she is unwilling. Believe her!

The beauty of what I suggest is that what she wants isn’t the key-issue. You aren’t really waiting to see what she’s going to do because all that can do is impact your pace.

You have your path – your goal. To get out of infidelity.
She’s totally free to be with the OM, but she’s been told that you aren’t waiting. You don’t share your wife. Therefore – if she wants this marriage – she needs to end the affair, convince you that she’s being 100% committed and then get along with you. It’s not as if simply by doing so you won’t divorce – it’s more that by verbally committing and then showing the commitment with actions and accountability you maybe postpone the solicitor’s appointment for a week, but still continue researching divorce and gathering information that might be vital in divorce.

The only thing she can impact is your pace, not your destination.
Your destination isn’t necessarily to reconcile or to diivorce – its to get out of infidelity.
Those two paths – R or D – run parallel for the briefest of times. Like maybe 1-3 weeks. But then they probably split. There are two factors determining what path you take at that time. The main one is to select the path YOU want, but equally important is to select the path open to you.

Put it this way: If your wife does not commit to the marriage then either between C and NYE or very early Jan you should be seeing a solicitor and starting the process of formal filing. If you place the documents to sign in front of her she could tell you at THAT TIME she want’s the marriage. That would indicate both paths are open for you. If however she signs and then tells you she’s going to visit Sue her friend for the evening to cry (you knowing "Sue" is really Bob) … it’s a clear message that no matter what she’s saying her ACTIONS are closing the path of R and therefore D your only way to your destination.

Brlywtr

I am going to encourage you to have the following convos with your wife:
Why don’t you just move in with Bob?
Why don’t you just move to your mom’s?
Can you move out of our bedroom? (and if not then I’m moving).
How should we have Christmas? I’m hoping we don’t have to go through the façade of pretending everything’s fine. Do you want to have the kids at Bob’s place or your mom’s place?
We need to talk to the kids. I suggest you start researching how best to do this. I will do my research but since I’m hoping to be out of infidelity soon it needs to happen soon.

And start telling stakeholders. Let her mom know you are divorcing because your wife has chosen her affair over her marriage.

Please note one thing:
I’m not telling you to divorce, nor do I see divorce as the only possible outcome or the best outcome or whatever.

I’m telling you to refuse to be in infidelity.

Only… what with the banning of slavery, advancement of human-rights and gender equality… you can’t command your wife to end her affair, nor demand she remain married. All you can do is refuse to participate in infidelity and then see what she chooses, and if you are willing to accept her choice.
At the moment she has chosen: Not certain she wants to end the marriage, but 100% certain she wants to carry on the affair.

In the original version of The Bigger Speech I gave you I said:
I am getting out of infidelity. For a very limited time you can let me know you want this marriage but realize that I have been thinking about what’s going on and with every hour and every day I am more content with my decision to get out of infidelity.

The further along the path of D you are forced to trudge the brighter the light at the end of the tunnel. Like if she comes to you tomorrow and asks for the marriage, but you realize NYE she’s phoning OM… you should be at least 2-3 steps further along the path, and that small glimpse of light a bit brighter… the less inclined you might be to switch to the Reconciliation path.

Let OM have her. Give her the Freedom to go be with him. Let HER then decide what restraints hold her back. If any…

What’s stopping you from starting the D process with your solicitor? It’s a long process and, if 10 miracles occur, and she comes to her senses (defined as suddenly being willing to crawl over broken glass for YOU for the next 5 years - extremely unlikely but yet remotely possible), you can always stop the D and reevaluate.

It’s time for strength and action. Start this *today*.

I’m telling you to refuse to be in infidelity.

This line probably sounds strange to you. A few weeks ago it never even crossed your mind that this should ever be needed in your life. But now, Bigger is right, and this is indeed the biggest priority in your life. It’s like finding a tumor at a check up, or a WW2 bomb buried in the back yard. It’s wildly unsafe and it must be dealt with. And it’s not your fault, not even a little, but that doesn’t change the reality of you needing to get to safety. You need to get free of this, it can deeply hurt you, even more than it has already.

I’m sorry friend, your wife has literally abandoned you. Even in the light of day, she has chosen another man over you. That is atrocious and evil of her given the vows she made to you and the love you shared, but that is the reality of it. I’m a man who has walked a path of reconciliation and given my wife time to wake up, it can and does happen. But she can’t be niced back, and even if she could, I believe taking that path under these circumstances would be fatal to your soul. Stand firm for the good, even at the cost of your marriage. She already broke it anyway.

Things have gone a bit crazy today.

Following the bigger speech I told her you are free to go with him but if you do it's not with me as your husband anymore.

She told me to stop telling her to stop contact because she can't.

I think I've done something silly though. I got his number and called him asking what the hell his intentions were with my kids etc and he told me to stop being aggressive and threatening.

I never threatened him with anything other than I won't let you near my kids..... I was angry.

She is still doing absolutely nothing to suggest she wants this marriage to work other than saying she doesn't know what she wants and it's not over yet.

I'm exhausted, emotionally unstable, and completely drained of all life at the moment. I've got no fight left.

What makes things harder is that it's my young sons birthday over Christmas, I can't blow our family up before his birthday, I can't do it to him, he's my absolute angel.

[This message edited by Brlywtr at 3:29 PM, Wednesday, December 20th]

I’m so sorry.

You need to move forward with the divorce. Just start the process.

She can be served right after Xmas and birthday.

You need some serious support.

Might I suggest you ask your parents to come stay with you through the holidays.

You can’t do this alone.

Any friends and family that can support you in the real world.

You need them and you need them now.

It might make her uncomfortable enough to leave on her own.

You have no choice.

You will not heal until she is away from you.

The hardest thing for us to do is to get you to see now what you will clearly see in weeks or months from now depending on the person. For me this is so frustrating to know how to help you but not get you to see it. This plays out like this over and over time and time again on this site. I wish nothing but peace for you in this horrible time. I hope you can reach some clarity sooner rather than later. I don’t have any additional advice beyond what has already been said. Good luck OP.

Also she knows what she wants.

She wants the same house, life, kids, lifestyle.

She just wants to replace you with him.

It’s very common mentality for cheating wives.

Very likely they are both unsure how life is going to go without you in the picture.

Make no mistake if it was not for the kids she would already be gone.

Protect your self immediately.

Also get out of that house.

Even if you tried to work it out you will never be safe or comfortable there.

No matter what you need to move.

And you don’t want to move out and have him move in.

You don’t want that monument to your broken family to stay in your life.

That would hurt you more.

Do whatever you can to get out of there.

Ask for help. Don’t be too proud and strong.

Right now your marriage is over. You’re just waiting on paperwork.

You did not deserve this. You deserve better.

I’m pulling for you.

I think I've done something silly though. I got his number and called him asking what the hell his intentions were with my kids etc and he told me to stop being aggressive and threatening.

I never threatened him with anything other than I won't let you near my kids..... I was angry.

100% get the rage. I strongly recommend not engaging him. The courts are your valid play here. Use the concern for your children as an accelerant to your actions. Get a lawyer involved promptly so that you can pursue legal means to shield your kids from AP. Your wife is also betraying her children, and you need to be the sane and safe one. Again, wildly unfair to put on you in this crisis, but this one is for your kids so believe you will find it in yourself to do what is needed and right here.

Please reread 1stwife’s post. You need to move on. What you will find once you do is peace of mind. It will take a while but it will happen. This is all over the internet because it is a perfect way to explain why you need an atty….be someone’s choice, not their option. If you are not her one, and only, you need to separate. It will be the best thing you can do for your self emotionally and physically. The stress you are under is going to break down your immune system and then all hell breaks loose in your body. Don’t give anyone that kind of power.

I'm at the end guys. I'm really struggling here.

I feel like someone else has ripped up my safe, secure happy life and I have no choice at all. It's so hard.

I have to be strong, I can't ruin all my families Christmas and have this time of year tarnished for every year in the future. I just can't do that right now. I have to get through these days and then get on with it.

I can't see me getting through this, it's not a cry for help or anything I just need to write my thoughts down now.

I am trying so hard to use the advice given here, I really am, and I really appreciate everyone looking out for me, means so much thank you.

I have to be strong, I can't ruin all my families Christmas and have this time of year tarnished for every year in the future. I just can't do that right now. I have to get through these days and then get on with it.

You are clearly a kind, thoughtful, honorable man to be thinking of others in this moment of personal anguish. Remember that you matter too. If you can set up adequate boundaries to protect yourself and see your kids thru Christmas, then give them that gift and know you are SuperDad for doing it. And if you can’t and this is too much, that is perfectly ok too. You matter. This will go down as one of the worst parts of your life, don’t underestimate it. Be kind to yourself, watch out for the kids. No other priorities matter right now.

I think you should type up an "intent to divorce" decree for her and give it to her wrapped up on Christmas so she knows it's coming. That way you don't have to blow up your kids' holiday, but she'll know that she isn't going to be your priority anymore.

I get getting through the holidays this year, but don’t get ahead of yourself and project to those in future years. You have gotten great advice, especially from bigger who once again is on point. You don’t have to blow up everything at this point, but you should be prepared to in the future. For now tell her she can do whatever she wants, but while she does you are putting the marriage on hold. One of you should move bedrooms, definitely no sex or even affection, and take some time for yourself. Go to the gym, movies by yourself, things to let her know you have a life beyond her.

I would be cordial, but firm in limiting conversation to household and kids. If she wants to have a discussion about where she is, show no sympathy and tell her that as long as she is communicating with him about their relationship, you will not be communicating about yours. Give her until after the holidays to tell you what she wants. Either you or him. If it’s wanting more time, that is a defacto choice for him.

Whatever you do, don’t show weakness. She is comparing you to some alpha guy. If you are moping around pleading and he is telling her about their new great future together, he wins. Even if what he is telling her is complete bullshit. Let her see the strong side of you. If you take her car out every week to get washed, don’t. If her computer breaks and she needs your help, let her know you will get around to it.

Like I said, be cordial, but not a jerk, or too needy.

She needs a massive wake up call.

You wrote one sentence that concerns me. Are you thinking of suicide? Please reach out for help. This feeling will pass. It just takes time. There are therapists who can see you immediately if necessary. If you feel you are in danger you can check yourself in to give your mind and body some rest. You can call a hotline. Please, please step back from trying to make any decisions right now. I know we have been pushing you because we know the pain you are in but you must do what feels safe for you. Just let go for now. Hug your babies and get through the holidays. 2024 is almost here and it can be a new start but always look after your own needs first.