I have to say, this thread got out of hand. I hope you are still around. Your thread needed a stop sign from the beginning. But, most first wayward threads do as well. You've gotten kicked around a bit, but I don't see much of it helping you. I'm 15 yrs out, healed and reconciled. None of what I am saying below is meant to insult, embarrass or vent on you. It's meant to give you a different perspective And, I would like to give you a few things to think about. You are confused, but don't need to be.
One, 55% of all marriages end in divorce. Infidelity is in there as a reason, but there are many more reasons as well. You've been with your wife a very long time and have beaten those odds, so far. Second, 3% of all affair marriages survive past 10 yrs, IIRC. I can guarantee you each and every one of them knew it was real. Why is the % so much worse? Like the first marriage suggests, marriage is hard work. A long term successful marriage is a rare thing. The affair relationship isn't built on a solid foundation. You've been dating for 5 yrs, but you haven't stretched the relationship. Because there is no real commitment, things tend to stay surface. That's a generalization, but it tends to be accurate. People lie to each other in affairs. That's why 75% of married affair people don't end up with their affair partner. Many don't leave the marriage if they have the chance to stay. I think you need to spend some real time thinking through the best and worst times of your marriage and be 120% sure of what you are doing. Everything I know from my own experience, lots of counseling and being here, suggests you are missing some big things. Remember that 3% number, that is real.
What do you know about this woman? I can guarantee you that you haven't experienced the depths of the relationship you have with your wife. My affair partner was 180 on arguments than my wife. I expressed a concern that we hadn't tested the relationship, didn't know how we would really handle an argument once we were committed to each other. Her answer soothed me at the time. She said, "I don't yell. I just get quite for a while, that's all." Looking back, big red flag! What she really said was: "I bury my emotions and build resentment." I wouldn't have known how to handle it either, brand new territory. Maybe I'd been fine, but new routines break up relationships. There are 100 more I am sure. I already know how to handle them with my wife. You have to build a new relationship with a different personality that you don't really know.
Love - The way you are describing this relationship comes across to me as more limerence than love. The infatuation, excitement is all part of a relationship that hasn't matured. That will settle down and then you have to discover the real relationship. Again, what do you know about this woman? She is single, but spending her days and nights dedicated to you? Why? Well, she is broken, that much is a fact. She has self esteem problems or she wouldn't settle for a married guy.
You asked someone if they cheat with you will they cheat on you? I won't say it's 100%. I won't say it's any %. But, I will say the self esteem issue she has requires to be constantly fed. When you are no longer sufficiently doing that to keep her happy, then that is where you will learn if she will fool around on you and visa versa. You see, she needs counseling just like you. But, she isn't getting any. Broken seeks broken. You are feeling the need to satisfying a hole in your ego, I did the same. The willingness of her to go along with you on this is very ego boosting. But it's not love. You need to recognize that. Love is more settled and a choice. I can tell your wife is still choosing to love you. But, you are going to lose that. She sees the value of the things you two have built and is willing, at least for now, to give you a chance to rebuild it. I'd be willing to bet she is crying when you start to talk about your AP because she sees the end of your and her relationship (that she will need to leave if you don't), and is in mourning because she can't reach you.
Shirley Glass (author - "Not just Friends") explains your married relationship as windows and walls. You and your wife built walls around your relationship to protect yourselves and opened windows between you to communicate. Those windows allow you and her to be intimately connected. Well, you have those walls between you and your wife right now and the windows are open to your AP. Of course you don't feel connected, you did that on purpose. What if you shut those windows on your AP? What if you reopened those windows with your wife, even just a little. That is how you can turn you and the way you are feeling around.
Lastly, damage. I didn't think I did damage to my adult children (20&22 at the time). Boy, was I wrong. It literally affected their self image. They had seen many of their schoolmates go through divorce. It was a rock of stability in their lives. I was a rock of stability in their lives. Except, I ruined that. I made a complete mess of a situation where both of them looked up to me. That still brings tears to my eyes. I hurt my kids.
So, I don't want you to answer any of this publicly (unless you feel compelled.) But, ask yourself these questions. Think through the consequences of your actions now against your future. I think you are making a big mistake not going NC like now. But, you have to live with the outcome of all of your choices. Good luck.
[This message edited by NeverWillAgain at 4:05 PM, Saturday, February 17th]