.I just have doubt that we can rekindle what we once had, so I guess I'm just looking for advice from someone who's felt how I've felt, and how they eventually decided on a path.
Okay, thank you for taking the time to clarify the issues.
I will raise my hand, I was terribly addicted to the AP. It was terrible, because I truly did not want to be. I knew in my heart that my husband was the best choice. I wanted to make the whole thing stop and focus on my marriage. But I had obsessive thoughts that took some true effort to mitigate. That meant therapy for me.
The problem with having contact is the withdrawal is interrupted over and over making the feelings seem more urgent. Every time you talk to her everything starts a new cycle - a higher level of addiction.
I did not break no contact, but I have read deeply about affairs, limerence, and this is stated in every single book.
Not to mention you can’t restore your integrity or the integrity of your marriage whilst still being in contact with this woman.
If you truly want to regain love and desire for your wife you must put full effort into it. This means being honest with her, not being in contact with the other woman (even if it means changing jobs), and getting therapy.
I actually had to be treated for obsessive compulsive disorder as part of what therapy entailed. Because if you even read the Wikipedia version of limerence it’s close cousins with obsessive compulsive disorder and causes intrusive, unwanted thoughts.
Your feelings are based on your thoughts and your thoughts are skewed by long term cognitive dissonance. I have just threw a lot at you but Google all of it.
The butterflies of a relationship have a lot to do with how you feel about yourself in the relationship. Part of why you don’t feel in love is because when you look at your know you haven’t done right by her. You can’t respect her because you have chosen to disrespect her and now she is you unconscious daily reminder of the ways you have failed as a husband and the shame you feel. It’s far easier to feel better about yourself with ap because it’s not her that you have betrayed. It’s not her that you have to live a real life with.
Doing the right things, putting a devoted effort of love on a daily basis and reflecting deep appreciation for all the things she brings into your life, for a long period of time is the only way you will find yourself feeling in love with her.
I think it’s hard to understand that you have brainwashed yourself. The ap has been a distraction over not building a good healthy life that you enjoy immensely. It’s robbed your attention to your marriage. Had you spent the last 11 years putting that effort into your marriage I don’t think you have any idea of the depth it could be today.
I can tell you after therapy and working on my marriage I value it beyond comprehension. I am fully in love with my husband, I crave him in every sense. The amount of work that we did individually and together is mind boggling and I can’t believe we have come to this place. So absolutely it’s possible.
But I don’t want to sit and talk you into prolonging this marriage if you aren’t going to fully commit to it. Because since the discovery of your affair your wife is watching and waiting while she hurts. She is hoping things will improve and you aren’t doing enough to insure her efforts. It’s cruel. I also think you might be kidding yourself about only doing it for her. There are many benefits you receive in this marriage that you take for granted. Stop hedging your bets and choose, honestly if you don’t, they both will eventually choose for you and I don’t think you will like the outcome of that. So choose, commit, and don’t look back. Get in therapy to help you manage whichever path.
[This message edited by hikingout at 4:33 AM, Thursday, February 15th]