Hello Friend:
I’ve not posted on SI in a while, but I do have a couple of thoughts to share with you.
First, as to the two conversation threads you cite. There has been a lot of colloquy about whether she meant it or not, whether she was lying to him, etc. In the end, none of that matters. What matters is that she was injecting energy and imagination into giving sexual pleasure to another man at your expense, even from your marital bed on your anniversary. Clearly this was a considered and deliberate choice by her, made because she derived enjoyment and pleasure from it. She chose to make you the unwitting brunt of demeaning jokes about your dick, about your sexual prowess, etc., because it added spice to her sexual life with another man. This reality is underscored by the fact that her two besties knew of the affair even while socializing with you. Imagine how the three cackled with conspiratorial glee behind your back.
It doesn’t actually matter if the stuff your WW said to the AP is factually true or not (i.e. if your length and girth are average or above). It also won’t matter that she now says that was all an act. Telling him what he wanted to hear. In fact, that’s the point: she was deliberately telling him what he wanted to hear, at your expense, for the purpose of making sex with the AP more exciting. If it was an act with the AP, do you really think that, after the dust settles, you could ever believe her if/when she turns that same act towards you, fawning over your dick and moaning that you’ve got the best dick she’s ever had, that she’s never wanted another man’s dick as much as she craves yours? You never will. Conversely, if it was real with the AP, will you ever find a path past the emasculation and sexual humiliation in the context of remaining married to her? You never will. That train has left the station, period.
By the way, the details we know already (the conversation threads, the fact that her two long-time friends knew of the affair and socialized with you, etc.), evince a pretty high degree of contempt that she directed your way via this affair. My gut tells me it’s the tip of the iceberg. If she is actually honest, I would expect that you will learn about stuff like sex in the marital bed while you were away, sloppy seconds brought home to you (that she later joked about with her AP), depriving you of sex for the AP’s benefit, etc. This thread feels like it’s headed in that direction.
Who does that? Who chooses to be that cruel, even to a person they don’t like? Never mind a spouse, a man who raised her daughters as his own and otherwise gave the best of himself to her? To that end, my sense is that the timing isn't coincidental. You've said the daughters are now 19, away at college. You've said the affair started about half a year ago. Right after the daughters moved out, presumably. In other words, what she saw in you at the outset -- a steady, hardworking man who would be a reliable helpmate and supportive stepfather -- is no longer needed. Your WW, like most women, knows that picking up up a new man is easy to do. For most women, it's as easy as breathing air. The fact that it happened so promptly after the daughters left, on a GNO, with the knowledge and complicity of her besties, it feels deliberate. Planned even. It smacks of her simply deciding that it's time to discard you because her need for what you bring has reached its end.
There’s something deeply broken in your WW’s moral compass. Like so broken she would insult your dick to another man because it gives that man sexual pleasure. The whole structure of the affair smacks of a person with profoundly situational ethics. She'll tell AP what he wants to hear; she'll tell you what you want to hear; she won't mean any of it. You should ask yourself whether, now that you have seen a glimpse of the depth of the reservoir of cruelty within her, is she really a person you wish to remain married to.
Which brings me to my second point: right now, whilst she is wallowing in the pit of despair and the muck of self-loathing, as the reality of her little fantasy is presenting itself to her like a hot kiss at the end of a cold fist, right now is the ONE time in history in which you have emotional leverage to wrest the mot favorable divorce settlement from her. In her desperation to feel like less of the profoundly shyte human she is currently recognizing herself to be, she is willing to give you almost anything if she can feel even just a modicum of absolution from the giving. That won’t last, my friend. I don't believe I've ever come across a thread where the adage "strike while the iron is hot" is more apt. Her emotional roller coaster will settle down, just as yours will. Keep in mind that she has been lying, scheming, calculating, etc., for a long time. It’s her normal, and she’s good at it. Better than you. She is miles ahead of you in terms of scheming. It’s likely she has long ago figured out her Plan B.
Also, I have to believe that there is a kernel of subjective truth to the expressions of sexual contempt she uttered about you to the AP. An opportunist who uses people. In the words of that great song by Steel Pulse, "A hungry heart can know no love." Her heart will re-harden eventually. The longer you stay married to her, the deeper her sense of entitlement will take root. You divorce in two years, I almost guarantee you’ll find yourself facing a knock-down, drag-out with a hard-fighting foe. For example, do you really think there is even a minute likelihood she will give up her besties just to preserve domestic peace? Ain’t happening, my friend. She’ll start fawning and pleading: "They were uncomfortable. They didn’t feel they could choose sides." Etc. All the usual bullshit. Those besties are in your life as long as you remain married to your WW.
Normally on SI people recommend taking time before making major decisions. But each situation calls for its own strategy. Here, my gut is that in the long run you won’t be able to choke down the unvarnished contempt she directed toward you for the specific purpose of pleasing another man sexually. As I said, it doesn’t matter whether that was sincere or ersatz; what matters is that she wanted to say and do those things to please another man. I think it’s inevitable that you’ll decide to divorce at some point.
The difference is that in the long run she won’t be a compliant participant in an amicable divorce that results in a favorable settlement for you. My strongest possible advice is to go directly to D, as quickly as you can. Press for a stipulated settlement. Ask for the moon. Get ‘er done.
By the way, in the long run, after you’ve been single for a time and enjoyed the sweet taste of sex with somebody new, somebody who hasn’t stabbed you in the back, somebody who doesn’t want anything from you other than an evening in bed, you’re free to enter into a FWB relationship with your WW. You could even remarry her if you choose. Divorce isn’t the end of things if you don’t want it to be. It is, however, a punctuation mark that bookends your financial future in the event that your relationship with your WW dissolves, which I predict it will.
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:43 PM, Tuesday, March 5th]