So from suspecting in your last thread you now have confirmed infidelity.
I asked you then to research if infidelity factored in any way in divorce. Seeing the lack of an answer I’m assuming it doesn’t.
I suggest you really look into what is "best" for your kids, and I seriously challenge that it’s what you think.
The myth is that a married couple – husband and wife – are the best conditions for kids. That’s only part of the story. What is best is a safe, loving environment with all-round respect, boundaries, loving, and caring. Furthermore, the closer the family-unit follows the "norm" of their environment, the more likely it is to be "ideal".
In other words, in the typical American suburb a typical man-and-woman, married, white picket-fence, financial stability, caring shown to the kids, as well as appropriate discipline, loving, time spent together, dad pitching balls to son, kids screaming eeeeekkk! when dad tire to kiss mom (but secretly enjoying the closeness of the family)... is ideal.
No less "good" is a same-sex family, where dad-and-dad, or mom-and-mom show the above. I guess that if it were more common then polyamorous relationships with more than two adults showering the kids with attention would be good (if the norm in the area). The key seems to be a) the level of positive (as in loving, caring, right combination strict/lenient...) and b) the number of adults that can show the child the required care.
More common though is single-parent parenting, and frankly that (often) does not score lower than the "ideal" set-up. Especially if both parents are capable coparents despite not being a couple.
What does score low is generally when the kids grow up in a non-loving and abusive environment. Not necessarily non-loving or abusive towards them – but where they experience and witness this sort of behavior as "normal". Chances are that’s what you are offering them...
It might not be obvious to them right now, but it will become crystal clear with time. There will be a time when they get asked/teased or eavesdrop about "uncle Ken", or when they realize who the nice guy is who got them an ice-cream. They will notice how their friends mom-and-dad sit together at games and interact, while their mom-and-dad are cold and distant and argumentative.
Keep in mind that research after research has shown that kids tend to model their future expectations and relationships on what they experience and witness. Shown again and again with research. Maybe the only positive factor being that if the prototype is negative, sometimes they seek the exact opposite. But that tends to be at the cost of respect towards their parents...
I guess what I’m getting at is that IMHO the BEST thing you can do for your kids is end the present situation.
Note I did not say end the present marriage. It’s still left to be seen if that is salvegable or not, or worth saving or not.
But... the present situation is not sustainable.
As some long-dead Greek said:
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."
It’s your call to remain unhappy or not...
She doesn’t have to want to file. Nor do you need her permission. She can’t control or dictate the conditions of a divorce (any more than you), nor custody. There are processes in place to handle parental discrimination. There is NOTHING she can do that supersedes whatever a judge decrees, and her breaking the "rules" of divorce and custody will always come back to haunt HER. Living in fear of anything else is only holding you back.
What I would suggest.
Well – do you want a shot at this marriage or is it too far gone?
If you are OK with this marriage being over (and that is perfectly acceptable) then simply tell her so. Tell her that you are filing (or better yet just file) and suggest she learn about the process and realize that it’s best if you two can possibly use a mediator and just play along the rules as determined and defined in your state. That it should ensure a fair deal, and that it would save the most time and money for an inevitable outcome.
No matter her reaction – you carry on. Get your attorney to start the paperwork and outline a fair settlement.
Don’t bother what her mom thinks or says or whatever. The goal here is to create distance and detachment.
If you want a shot at the marriage then this is a script I have shared in some version or another quite often:
"Wife. I never envisioned our marriage going this way, and I think we and what we envisioned, and our children deserve, we try our best to create a good marriage and thereby a good family. I am willing to make a lot of changes and get counseling to help us reach that goal. However – I also realize that even worse than ending our marriage is to continue sharing you with another man. While you are active in infidelity then that’s what you are offering me.
I don’t share my wife. I therefore have decided to set you free as my wife and all marital obligations and expectations. You are free to date OM, be with OM, spend nights with OM and act in any way towards OM you desire. All I ask is that you keep him away from the family home and the kids.
I am also setting MYSELF free of all marital obligations and am starting the legal process to terminate our marriage.
I ask that you take a realistic stance to this decision and realize that our time together in this house as a couple is limited. Both in the way that we are now only co-parents and not husband-and-wife, and limited in time because inevitably one or both of us will have to move out.
If you want this marriage you need to let me know in a very clear verbal manner, and it will require some accountable actions from you, like ending your affair with OM. Just keep in mind that with every day and every action I see and experience I get more and more content with the inevitability of divorce. It’s not what I want, but it sure as heck beats knowing that I am at best sharing you."
Then go and solve a sudoku or make a sandwich.
If she confronts you and tells you that you will never see the kids...
"This is why there is a legal process for this difficult action. We don’t get to decide this, but need to follow what is decided in the divorce process."
This is your standard answer to all d and custody issues, along with:
"I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to comment/decide on that. My attorney will handle this"
If she starts telling you how she "had to" cheat because of your body-odor or whatever...
"I am sorry you feel that way. If we were focused on reconciling our marriage this is something that needs to be addressed, but since you are committed to your infidelity then there really isn’t any need to go there".
This above is your standard go-to answer to ANY marital issues.
Then follow the process. File, gather the information your attorney asks for, sign the next batch of papers, make plans for your future... Basically carry on dealing with reality. If she commits to the marriage you can press pause at that time, but never really let off the pressure.
Some think this is a plot to manipulate her. It’s not. It’s a plot to get YOU to move, and offer her a slight chance to follow. The more momentum YOU get, the less inclined you will be to let her on-board.
