SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. I found out 3 months ago that my husband cheated on me at Christmas, when he went home with a woman from his work, after having a year long EA with her.

I am extremely upset and feel heartbroken every day about it. We have been together for 23 years, since I was 17.

He is very apologetic and is doing all of the right things (he cut off contact, answers my questions, attends IC etc). However, he also gets angry and says he's angry at himself because he's ruined our lives.

He initially started hurting himself and then over time he started to shout, break things by throwing or punching them (on one occasion he smashed up everything in our bedroom), and he even hit me. He put this down to being extremely distressed at what he's done, but it's happening more often.

For 23 years, he has never been violent or angry once. He has only ever been gentle and kind, until this affair.

Does anyone have any experience of this. Can an affair coming out make the person who cheated violent? Can they return to being the person they were before? Thank you.

[This message edited by Janine84 at 4:44 PM, Friday, April 11th]

Don’t come to the internet for help.

Find a crisis center to go to.

RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS ABUSE AND CANNOT BE TOLERATED. PLEASE reach out to a women’s shelter immediately. It is escalating and you are in danger. If you don’t know of a shelter, call the police and ask them.

maybe he will change, maybe he won’t. But you need to get yourself to safety. Can you go to a friend’s house or family?

I cannot say this strongly enough- you need to get away. Do not be around him alone.

I am very scared for you.

Janine,
You need to remove yourself from this situation right now! You are not safe.

You mentioned this behaviour is out of character, even more reason for you to go somewhere where you are safe now.

Go now Janine.

National Domestic Violence Hotline -search it - call it NOW. Forum rules prohibit posting phone numbers or I'd simply post it. If you're feeling overwhelmed they'll walk you through it and help with a safety plan, how when where. They can also help with a threat assessment and triage the situation - and help you accurately identify what is going on = Domestic Violence. If you have kids there are women's safe houses for both you and the kids.... if needed.

Don't tell him you're doing this - just do it.

THIS IS ABUSE. And it's escalating. He grabbed you by the throat! He hit you!

Apologizing and minimizing after physical violence or emotional abuse is part and parcel of the cycle of abuse; it's an abuser strategy. So please don't be reassured by plaintive "I'm sorry" or "I didn't mean it." The apologies and helpful behavior are typically the calm before the next storm of abuse. It's called The Cycle of Abuse for a reason. And, dear Janine, you being "upset" didn't make him "get violent". Please don't blame yourself for his choice to physically and emotionally abuse.

Get help ASAP and get out of there. Please keep posting so we know you're okay. Be safe.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 12:31 AM, Friday, April 11th]

I cannot imagine how terrifying this all is.

Please take care of yourself. Who your husband has been in the past doesn't matter- you are living with who he is now, and he is abusive. It sounds like the abuse is escalating. Please reach out for help and get yourself (and your children if you have any) to safety.

Janine, research on domestic violence has shown that getting grabbed by the throat (either throttled or choked) is the biggest indicator abuse will escalate to homicide. Get out now, before it's too late.

Thank you everybody for your replies and advice; I really appreciate it.

I have spoken to an abuse line this evening and they offered me some advice regarding my situation which was really helpful. My husband is also going to contact a local organisation, who they recommended, for support with his issues and I am going to make some arrangements to have some time and space away from him.

Thanks again for your concern and replies.

Has he started drinking or taking drugs? Just speculating on the apparently sudden abuse. I agree with everyone, get out to safety. You are taking a huge risk staying there. I also hope he will seek medical treatment because maybe there is something wrong with him beyond the cheating. However, don't let that thought prevent you from seeking safety!

The first thought that came to my mind also, is he drinking, or is he an alcoholic?

My late husband, who was an alcoholic, was very volital during one of his affairs, except he never hit me. But his behavior was violent for a period of time, breaking things and furniture and punching the wall, getting in my face with fists closed and full of hatred towards me. Because he was still in an active affair. I had never seen him act this way before. It was full on abuse.

I couldn't stand being around him anymore and I got him to leave. It was such a terrible ordeal. In time we did get back together before his death.

It isn't worth it. Ask him to leave. Or you leave.

Thank you for your replies. No, he has never taken drugs and he is not drinking alcohol. The only thing that he has been taking, which I'd not thought about until now, is some medication for depression which he recently started. I have mentioned this to him and he is going to discuss this with his doctor. I'm not sure if medication could cause something like this to happen but it is worth him looking into.

In the mean time you need to get out and keep yourself safe.

In dealing with safety for children I have had to rescue the mothers too. There are shelters for women that cops know. Call them. Get out before your child is killed. One slap too hard, one hit to the kidneys, one fist to the chest, can kill a child.

He needs to fix himself. That is not your responsibility. Keeping your child and yourself safe is.

Thanks everyone. We are safe and my husband is now staying with his parents and is dealing with his issues.

The prohibition is for personal phone numbers, and we prohibit URLs that haven't been approved by mods.

Janine, I hope you're as safe as you think you are, and I hope a change in meds will stop the violence. I'm glad you called, and I'm glad your H recognizes the danger and called for support.

Rather than put the onus on BarelyBreathing for getting the phone number and URL approved, I'm including both here. Thanks for mentioning this resource, BB.

I know you have this or something like it, Janine. I hope mentioning that the phone and URL are OK to post will be remembered the next time it's needed.

National DV hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE

You can also supposedly chat at https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/ (I've checked the URL, and everything I've seen says it's legit.

Hello Janine. Hope you're doing better today.

Please take this time to take care of YOURSELF with radical self care. You may be tempted to "help him fix things." Or focus on his needs at the expense of your own. Dear lady, this should be his journey - only he can fix himself - hopefully with the support of a competent therapist who understands the dynamics of partner abuse and will hold him accountable for his CHOICES. It's tempting to blame factors like medication, stress, shame, etc. for his behavior. While medication can certainly exacerbate underlying issues, or lower inhibitions IMO his character is the baseline issue here.

Hope he's serious about getting help. Words are easy - actions are hard. This is key - pay attention to what he does from now on, and don't be placated by what he says. And he should follow through on making change for himself - to become a better human being because he can't stand to remain the man he is for one more day. Performative therapy while scrambling to save the marriage, or to save face with friends and family may smooth things over for a while. But only time will tell if he's truly committed to the long term hard work required to change his maladaptive thinking and poor choices. Could take a long time to make lasting change.....

In the meantime, here's a few suggestions to consider. You have agency - only you know your own situation. Maybe you're not ready to think about next steps. That's okay - you're in the middle of trauma. Hope these suggestions feel supportive and not directive.

Are there select friends and family you can reach out to for support? Don't isolate yourself to protect his image or because YOU feel shame or embarrassment about the abuse. Are you in IC? IC just for you could be a big help. I get the impression you're isolated. You need all the support you can get right now. Rally a support team around you and child to help stay strong while struggling with this nightmare. Reach out to your doctor for help as well for STD testing, and don't be embarrassed to discuss temporary meds for sleep, anxiety or depression if needed. They've heard it all. When you're feeling a little stronger please also talk to a lawyer. Knowledge is power, and understanding what your options are could help gain some equilibrium. What does separation vs. divorce look like in your legal jurisdiction? What are your legal rights in the marriage? Doesn't mean you have to separate right this minute but understanding rights could help to protect yourself.

One of the most impactful things you can do for yourself AND your child is to dive into learning about domestic violence/partner abuse. Maybe the hotline can recommend a local DV organization to link up with? A therapist for you? Support group and pro bono legal aide, etc.? A good basic DV book to start with is "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Abuse is not just physical violence. Sorry to say deceptive sexuality - including affairs - are a tool in the tool kit of abusers. Abuse can also be psychological, covert and subtle. He may never have hit you, but it's possible the subtle type of abuse may have ratcheted up over time and even felt normal because you grew used to it - like the proverbial frog slowly boiled in the proverbial pot of water. Maybe??

Finally, DV is not a result of his shame, or caused by your behavior - things you did or didn't do that "upset" him. Abuse is all about power and control.

Please, please stay safe and don't let your guard down. You're in my thoughts.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:27 PM, Sunday, April 13th]

A lot of us here on this site have some background in dealing with domestic violence. Of all I encountered as a police officer, the prevalence of abuse was what surprised me the most. I took some courses on the issue, and although it’s been some time I think the basis remains the same.

The only positive thing I can say about your husband is the past history. I take it that for over 20 years there has been no abuse, and this behavior is not what he has shown you previously. What that might indicate is that with the correct support he can get off this path. Just keep in mind he needs to do so irrespective of what YOU want regarding the marriage. If this ends in divorce he will still need to change his behavior for his own sake.

It’s about control. It’s ALL about control. He might have had some notion that he could control the situation, and then when he realizes you aren’t controlable (i.e. not doing what he wants) it escalates. Often threats of suicide and self-harm are used, but when that doesn’t work then physical threats as in breaking furniture and punching doors, when that doesn’t work... physical abuse.

His regret and self-blame and claiming he doesn’t understand why he did it... Also typical behavior. Followed by "It’s all my fault, but YOU made me do this" – in fact placing the guilt on you.

With treatment and the correct therapy he can change. Only.., before that can kick in he can also do a lot of damage. You need to take that very seriously.

I would suggest you confront him about control in a (wait for it...) CONTROLED environment. Like in IC or MC, you can make it clear to him that you both have control over how long YOU (as individuals) give this marriage. If YOU decide it’s enough, or what he’s offering isn’t enough then that is YOUR decision. Doesn’t mean he’s "losing" control because it’s always been this way – you both have a final say in if you want this or not. Make it also clear that the domestic abuse and even the fear of domestic abuse is pushing you fast to the exit.

I’m writing the following in the hope that he does get help and treatment, and that he can come back from this dangerous route he’s started on. It might sound drastic, but even more drastic is the damage he can do in the near future.

Take precautions. Make your home a safe place. Some simple things that can help you are:
Change the locks. I know that legally that might cause some issues, but for that to kick in he has to press charges, and if he were to do that then a) it shows his true intent at abuse and b) can easily be remedied by giving him a new key. I can’t see a single judge take a heavy stance on this issue. Install a chain or door-jammer to partially open the door. Activate it when in the home.
Have a easy to access method of calling for help. One general rule abusers go by is that they reign in their behavior if there are witnesses. If you have a good neighbor then ask them to be prepared to come over if you phone, or blow a whistle, or press an air-horn or whatever. Make it clear you don’t want them to intervene, just be there as a calming presence. Ask close friends, family... whatever. Just that if you call (and maybe even have them all in a group call, ready for the press) then they drop anything they are doing and come over.
If this escalates then get a restraining order. Once that’s in place talk to your local police. If they know you have a RO then when you call you get priority.

Look – this all sounds drastic, but I would each day, every day, rather have "wasted" my time checking in on a scared wife with a manic husband rather than come there an hour later to help load her into an ambulance.