WH has started getting violent because I'm upset

Hello. I found out 3 months ago that my husband cheated on me at Christmas, when he went home with a woman from his work, after having a year long EA with her.

I am extremely upset and feel heartbroken every day about it. We have been together for 23 years, since I was 17.

He is very apologetic and is doing all of the right things (he cut off contact, answers my questions, attends IC etc). However, he also gets angry and says he's angry at himself because he's ruined our lives.

He initially started hurting himself and then over time he started to shout, break things by throwing or punching them (on one occasion he smashed up everything in our bedroom), and he even hit me. He put this down to being extremely distressed at what he's done, but it's happening more often.

For 23 years, he has never been violent or angry once. He has only ever been gentle and kind, until this affair.

Does anyone have any experience of this. Can an affair coming out make the person who cheated violent? Can they return to being the person they were before? Thank you.

16 comments posted: Friday, April 11th, 2025

Husband cheated after 23 years together

Just before New Year's Eve, I discovered by accident, when I was using my husband's phone, that he had been unfaithful at Christmas, when some messages from a woman came through. I am devastated.

I am 40 and he is 42. We've been together 23 years, since I was 17 (my only ever boyfriend or person I've kissed etc). We have a 6 year old child.

For the initial weeks after finding out, I was very much drip fed the information and my husband struggled to tell me the truth, so he left our family home, and went to stay with his parents. He said he knew it would break my heart and couldn't tell me, so he ran away from it instead.

Over the following weeks, from speaking to my husband and then messaging the affair partner (I got her number from his phone), I started to get the truth. He had had an emotional affair for 10 months with the woman who is 16 years younger (she works at the same place he does; he is staff and she is a PhD student) and they had been messaging, she had sent provocative photos, they often hugged at work, he would tell her regularly that he liked her and thought she was beautiful, and then his messages to her became more sexual in December. Then, at the Christmas night out, she was holding his hand and putting it on her thigh under the table, and she then asked him to go home with her, where they kissed passionately, got into her bed, he pleasured her with his hand and he then gave her oral sex (I only found out about the last part in February, as he said he knew that would be unforgivable).

After leaving the family home when the affair very first came out, my husband initially appeared to be considering a relationship with her, however, after he'd been gone a few days, he said he'd had clarity and missed me and our little girl, our life together, and realised he had been living a fantasy that wasn't real, and he wanted to come home to try and work at his marriage.

I allowed him to come back and we started MC, and things were going reasonably well under the circumstances but I was absolutely devastated and really struggling about what he'd done. However, it then came out about the oral sex and that just felt too much for me to take. I also discovered he'd been painting a terrible picture of our marriage to friends to justify his cheating. After this, my mental health started to really suffer.

For a while, my husband started to get upset or angry whenever I brought things up or asked questions, as he said he couldn't cope with the guilt and was terrified I would divorce him.

Now, he is fully supporting me, he is taking care of the housework/looking after our pets etc. due to how depressed I am and how little energy I have (I have severe depression with suicidal thoughts from this and I'm on medication). He is doing the majority with our child/school runs etc, and has taken time off work himself due to stress and to look after me because of how I am feeling. He seems very remorseful and is extremely sorry for what he's done, he will talk to me and answer my questions, he attends IC and MC, and he is trying to make me feel special by saying and doing nice things. He cut off contact with the woman almost straight away and confessed to his managers, who put things in place so they don't see eachother at work (she will be moving away very soon as her PhD is ending). He also sent a very firm message to the other woman to say he never wants to see her again, and he blocked her, and even changed his number. He also arranged for me to meet with his friends and he explained to them that he hadn't been truthful and wanted me to be able to ask them any questions I have.

I just feel so unbelievably hurt and empty and it has severely affected me. Sometimes I still want to be close to him and we'll hold hands, cuddle and we've been intimate. Other times, I am seething with anger and detest him, and just want a divorce. The hurt, betrayal and awful thoughts are constantly there.

He can't move out at the moment due to how much I'm struggling to cope, so he's living with me still and he says he's happy with that and is hanging onto hope that we can work things out and still be a family.

I am truly shocked at his affair as he's the last person on earth I would have believed would do this. I trusted him 100%. He said he got swept away in his mind because of things like money worries, daily stress and the fact we weren't as intimate at that time, so when he started getting attention, he started to believe that was better than what he had at home. He says now that he can see it was completely wrong and he should have put his energy into the marriage and he neglected it.

Regarding the other woman, she has borderline personality disorder and has a strong need for attention. He initially offered her support at work due to her mental health difficulties and they exchanged numbers, yet she immediately started sending him photos of her in bikinis or gym gear. She confessed to me in her texts that she liked the attention he gave her more than she liked my husband and wasn't that into him. However, she still invited him to her house that night, knowing he would destroy his family, and she wasn't even into him! She never touched my husband sexually and he remained fully clothed, but she told my husband what she wanted him to do to her. She also said there are 2 other other much older married men she is trying to pursue at work. When my husband told her I knew of the affair, she said she is used to dealing with angry wives and she's done it before. I am obviously beyond disgusted at my husband, but also at this woman who has played her part in destroying our family, and for nothing.

I don't know what to do. Please can I have some opinions. Thank you for reading.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, April 9th, 2025