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Does anyone have any wise words of wisdom on how they move forward every time they see their ex husband and the mistress he cheated on you with.
I used to live in a small beach side town with my ex husband. I originally owned a small beach house there which was rented out. My new husband and I moved there after he immigrated to my country from the UK. It had been a long held dream of mine to live there once I returned to my country after living in the UK for five years with him. Little did I realise that my husband then started an after with a girl half his age who has lived there all her life. As most of you here in the forum understand the finding out of his affair(s) & the subsequent aftermath (including bullying from her) was horrific & life changing. When we divorced I managed to keep my house & I did then meet my new partner about a year later. My new partner & I had the opportunity to move away to a new dream beach side location due to work so we sold our houses and moved away. I was so happy but sadly we then moved back to a nearby location by the beach due to covid & to help out with my partners parents farm. We still have connections with our original beachside friends, are still members at the fishing/boat club & compete on a regular basis at the local fishing competitions. When I was married to my ex husband he did not frequent the boat club at all but now every time I go there both he & his mistress are both there. Him being high on narcissistic traits & a high functioning alcoholic you can only imagine his behaviour. It feels like he is purposely walking past my table or making sure he is in plain view of me, playing the part. I try extremely hard to ignore him & her and act as if nothing is wrong, but it is extremely overwhelming, it causes me nightmares (I’m a war veteran) & for the next couple of days my mood is extremely flat and I feel like I’m back at square one again. I’m now at the point of not entering in any more fishing competitions & never going to the boat club/beach again. I feel defeated. I absolutely love going to the beach, seeing all my friends, but when I see them, my world just crashes. I don’t have any support from my partner about this and it’s something that I can never discuss with him, he has no understanding of the situation and I am resentful of him for his lack of care and disregard when I do try and ask for help. Does anyone have any insight on how I can move forward. I’ve done a lot of counselling due to my war experiences but this is one thing that I just seem to get stuck on. The next competition is in two weeks and I really don’t want to go because I know they will be there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Gosh this seems so pitiful when the world is in so much turmoil, but I so want to conquer this.

So every time you see him with his new partner, he sees you with yours.

It might be bothering him more than you think. Makes him act like a jerk.

Don’t let him control your life.

I doubt your new partner wants to hear much about how your old partner makes you feel. Not fair to your new partner.

Yes you are right, maybe he is acting like a jerk because he sees me with my partner. I kinda thought that sort of thing never affected people who are high on narcissistic traits.

Wise words you have offered thank you "don’t let him control your life"

Yes I don’t discuss it with my partner or anyone else due to the embarrassment of still being affected by the affair. I learned early on that it’s of no interest to him. Hence my reaching out on her for advice.

True narcissists absolutely hate being shown up or not taken seriously. I once had the miserable experience of having to defend my client, a state agency, from the attacks by a narcissist. I found a website about how to litigate against a narcissist. So the next time he viciously attacked me and the client, I laughed out loud. He just sputtered. He was so angry that he hung up on me. He called back almost immediately demanding an apology. I laughed again and said, "Oh, you were being serious? Your demands were so ridiculous that I thought you were joking." He hung up again. This was straight from the website and it worked every single time. So, yes. Pretend that he doesn’t matter. Act like you are having the time of your life. This will take some internal fortitude and discomfort, but what is the alternative? Hiding from him? Ceding your club? Moving? Before waving a white flag, try to make him be the one who is made uncomfortable.

Repeat after me:

"He is not a part of your life anymore."

Take no more notice of him than any other stranger.

your mantra has to be "not my monkey, not my circus".
And I think some IC to help you through this will be helpful. Your reactions to your XWS, although normal, are damaging to your current relationship.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I appreciate your help and kind words.

Like most of us on here the aftermath of an affair is debilitating and while I am so proud of myself in how I have moved forward the seeing of them together still affects me. I wish it didn’t, but I guess this is normal for a majority of us.

When I discovered my ex was having an affair he completely denied it and refused to discuss it and never spoke to me again. The confirmation of them having this affair came from her. So there has never been any discussion with him about the affair, other than his actions which was abandonment of me. So I guess never having that discussion or any really definitive closure kinda leaves me reeling when I see them. With all your kind advice it’s time for me to implement that self care, pull my pants up again and fake it until I make it again. I will be thinking of your kind words when I go to the fishing competition again in a couple of weeks. I have got this 😊

Your ExH is a complete jerk.

There is NO reason he has to walk by your table except to basically give you the FU signal.

And unfortunately it works. He has gotten under your skin.

But here’s what you can do. You can overcome the trauma of his affair with professional counseling. And then decide YOU are not hiding from him. Not one more second.

And you are going to understand your XH is a coward. He would not discuss the affair but ran away with his tail between his legs.

Your XH is playing mind games with you because he is a lowlife jerk. He’s trying to boost his ego and he’s using you to do it.

Recognize only a jerk plays the games he does. Continue to ignore him. Look at him through a different lens. He is so lacking in maturity he needs to play childish games to make himself feel good.

Be classy. Don’t sink to his level.

First, thank you for your service.

Second, your Ex is a big jerk but I agree with the 1st Wife, I think having some specific counselling around resolving the feelings regarding your Ex's A will really be helpful. You might even want to look into EMDR therapy to desensitize yourself. Your Ex abandoned you, and that's some serious trauma. No doubt.

I also think your current partner could step up his support game

I don’t have any support from my partner about this and it’s something that I can never discuss with him, he has no understanding of the situation and I am resentful of him for his lack of care and disregard when I do try and ask for help

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He shouldn't be insensitive to your needs and feelings. That's bullshit. I think counselling should help you also get some perspective on this. It's a big red flag.

I'm the type that I would just laugh in their faces and not give them a second thought because they're both trash beneath me ... completely unworthy of even my anger.
You haven't healed enough yet to accept that he is nobody and she is less than nobody. Maybe work on your worth some more in counseling. Your reactions are what I would have had the first 2 years after my divorce. My ex and his mistress harassed me for years after and it worked for about 2 years. Then, one day it just clicked how ridiculousthey both were and i was too busy making an amazing new life for myself. They both eventually got bored when I just laughed at their silly antics.
Seriously, how pathetic that he still craves your attention. Even more pathetic, she stays with a man that still craves another woman's attention and love. Fuck them both. Try visualizing them both as roaches putting on a miniature circus act. Because that's basically what they are.

Have you considered doing something with your husband at these venues 'to claim them ' as yours. It could be something as simple as saying I Love You.. Maybe pinch his butt. Perhaps something more risque. Use your imagination, own the place. Let them feel uncomfortable about the aura of love and pleasure that emits from you two.

It will do well for your relationship. Your husband will start looking forward to going to these venues with you.