SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Back again,
Husband had 1 night stand in 2016 while I was pregnant with our 2nd and last child. I caught him, he admitted and cut ties immediately. Ended up reconciling in what I believed was the right way to recovery. Joint professional counseling, church counseling, retreats, books etc. A few days ago, 10 years post affair #1, I asked to see his phone because of red flags I’d been noticing and my gut feeling. He didn’t allow it at first but then said ok. Discovered text messages with female, he text things like I miss you a lot, I wish I was with you etc. As of now he’s claiming it’s a texting relationship with a female he met at the gym. So far no admission to sex or face to face meeting, since that gym closed last summer. But admitted to sexting and wanting to have sex with her but it hadnt come to fulfillment.
I am currently disappointed, probably some shock, not surprised though and still don’t believe I’m getting full story. I don’t feel distraught like the first affair. I didn’t cry much, all I could think of was our 2 kids (under 13years) and how a separation/divorce will affect them. He’s apologizing and asking for forgiveness…etc. I honestly feel like he’s not my husband and I’m seeing him like a person who just lost everything like a loser. Again, these last few days, I haven’t thought about him, his feelings or even cared if he’s still talking to her. I’m thinking about how I can protect my kids. I’m sure my feelings will be changing as I process or he may release more info on this affair, but I don’t care. I just feel like I don’t want him anymore. I’m just taking my time to think as I am a overthinker! Thanks for reading

I’m so sorry you found this out. But so glad you came back to us.. and I think taking your time and deciding the next steps is the right approach. Feel free to read in the separation divorce for him to see how others have done this if that’s one of the options you’re considering.

So sorry he wasn’t able to truly change

I’m sorry this has reappeared and you are now facing the issue with an inability to resolve the problem. Let’s assume that Reconciliation is not an option b/c you no longer trust him.

What is your plan? See an attorney or mediator?

Give it time to gather an exit strategy?

Separate for now and plan for D?

I hope you at least get some counseling for yourself.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:47 AM, Tuesday, January 27th]

Chica,

See a lawyer right away, both to learn how a divorce might play out for you and what steps you should take to protect yourself financially.

Best wishes.

Chica, I’m so sorry to see you here again. Your last post was almost a year ago regarding the texting/trash talking about your marriage to a female coworker.

He has no boundaries and even seemingly less respect for you and the marriage.

Ducks in a row and lawyer…

Wishing you the best.

One way to possibly find out the truth is to tell him to write down a complete timeline of his interaction with her with no detail left out no matter how small

If/ when he does this ask him is this everything and if he says yes then tell him you want him to take a polygraph test. If he immediately says okay then there's a good chance he's being honest but if he stalls or asks why or uses any other delay tactic then you can probably assume he did not write down everything

The best advice I ever received was from a private investigator I worked for a long time ago. He told me kid, always follow your gut. If something feels wrong it probably is and it was his advice that led me to finding out about my wife's affair

Chica,

Very rarely a man develops this kind of connection with a woman without sex.

Plus he already had in the past.

Your gut tells you he truth, and any way he is having a relationship with another woman.
Are you ok with that?

I am sure you don’t

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Except you are not responsible for his behavior. He doesn’t seem to have a cut off valve. He keeps leaking morals.

See a lawyer. You can stay right where you are but you need financial assurance that no matter your decision you and you children have a roof over your heads.

Thank you all for your messages
It’s only been a few days and I still don’t know what to do. How long do I take? Should I give myself a deadline to decide something? I don’t want to be consumed by this.. I want to be present with my kids. He’s not in my way but I know I eventually have to make a decision. How long did it take you from DDay to take the next step of either reconciliation or separation?

How are your emotions progressing? Do you still feel like you don’t care and are able to walk away? If so, what are the concerns you have in taking the steps to make that happen?

Sounds like he didn’t actually do the work the first time around. I can understand your lack of care and your feeling sort of over it. That makes sense given he’s put you through this before. I’m so sorry you’re here again.

We have been completely ignoring each other, still only texting about kids. He hasn’t initiated any conversations or approached to apologize since maybe about 5 days after DDay. I think this behavior, kinda like a silent treatment is starting to trigger me more, and get me upset mainly when he’s home…which is not much. I decided to go through some of his stuff, found;

1. cash $200 hidden in his wallet pocket

2. a receipt of a return he did but had the AP name as guest. So I assume she gifted him something and he returned and received merchant credit.

3. Found a print out of an online gift card from another women who I don’t who it is and only said Happy Holiday. So I guess another A! Which I was like wow this mana ability to have us 3?

4. Today, day before Valentine’s Day, found a gift hidden in his trunk, new headphones, which I’ve never requested so I know those are for his AP.

5. Today also, day before valentines, checked his call logs and saw he called a delivery florist for a 30 minutes. So someone is getting flowers.

6. Couldn’t go back farther than 2 months on call log, but did see 2 calls to ugly crappy motels few weeks before DDay.

And here I sit still in shock, about the initial DDay and now in more shock with things I’ve found. And I’m still being very informative with him about our kids busy schedules. Why do I act so nice/ cordial regarding my kids? Is it bc I just don’t want my kids miss out having there dad around…

[This message edited by chica1 at 12:03 AM, Saturday, February 14th]

Chica, good job on your part being hyper vigilant! What you have found in evidence is shocking! Think of his actions that are against you, your marriage, and yes, your children. Gearing up for Valentine’s Day and the gifts are for other women. Divorcing him IS protecting your 2 kids under 13. Good luck to you.

Chica, I think you have the right attitude, as upsetting as this is. This confirms what you've seen in your husband before and it's not just a mistake. It's a deliberate pattern of behavior that he's hiding from you, and as you can see, there may be more than 1 AP. So if this were me I'd say...."while I'd like to keep an intact family for the kids, I can't live with a husband who does these things. This is what you're like and rather than trying to save the marriage, I want a divorce and you can try to change or repair yourself or do what you want. I'm going to live the best life I can with my own standards and behavior." To me, that's it in a nut shell, he's decided, as so many do, that he wants to live like this and you can't have both a happy marriage and be cheating on your spouse. Those things do not go together and they are a very bad model for kids to grow up with and there's constant tension in a house like that. It's better to make the break. If he changes later, well, maybe you can reconcile, but that behavior really kills all the love as you've found out. I've felt the same way myself.

You're a brave, strong and smart woman with good sense and I admire you. Your kids are lucky to have you and your husband is a damn fool - but that's his choice. Right now, I'd collect the evidence, go to a lawyer, start the process, and get an STI test. If you can get him out of the house, that would be best and go as little contact as possible. He's only gonna keep lying to you, it's what he does now and maybe he's been doing it much longer than you realize. If you were to stay with him and try to patch this up, you'll never know what to expect in the future because you can't trust him. He may have made plans that don't include you and the kids or he may eventually. How would you know? YOU have to make the plans for yourself and your kids - if he doesn't want to be part of that family because of his behavior, that's on him. Boundaries and consequences.