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Hi, sorry to ask this question, but I’m curious. I’m on that roller coaster of doing okay to not doing so well. We still have sex (I can’t call it make love yet!) a couple times a week no matter which part of my rollercoaster I am on. I was okay with this at the begining of the R, I think I was in "panic-reconciliation" mode. Then I just did it, as that is what married people do. Now, I’m back on my low roller coaster part and almost resent the sex, as I don’t feel I should be that intimate since my head is not in the game. I almost feel like it’s a tool or something but I think it is his way of showing me he loves me, finds me attractive and is working to save our marriage.

Sometimes I wish I would have held off longer, instead of feelin panicked. Do understand he does not force or pressure me AT ALL to have sex. But it is starting to lose its luster for me. Granted I’m 53!

So, I guess my question is, do you have sex while trying to R? Anyone feeling the way I do?

Thanks and sorry for the personal question!

I was hit by the HB bug early on. As that waned, I still engaged in sex and made sure it was gOOd for me [if you catch my drift].

The fact that I silently wept alone later in the night was my own type of other release.

To date, sometimes I'm feeling it more than others. I still make sure it gOOd for me.

To sum up crudely - I f*ck thOse triggers right Out of my head.

BUT - you have to do what is best for you.

We definitely had our HB time frame, and it was really more about making sure we were even compatible. For us, there was already a lot of distance in our M since my wife kept the A secret for so long.

I think some of those HB or panic times were actually important to reconnect at some level.

I had several times when I needed space and had to have a few weeks off here and there from ANY kind of intimacy, even holding hands. I had to process some of that anger and sadness on my own.

At this point, I’m pretty darned close to six decades old and sex isn’t as big of a deal for either my wife or me, but pretty darned good when we take some time for each other. Being healed up helps a bunch.

Chaos: thank you for sharing! I hear you and appreciate your thoughts!

Oldwounds: Thanks for your thoughts, I am asking for space as well, just give me time to think, heal and figure out what I want/need. Sometimes I feel bad saying/asking for that, but then I remember, he is the one that has caused this, so F* off. Ha.

Thanks again for sharing a very personal subject!

Honestly, I told myself that he had become a stranger to me by having the A….and this stranger wanted me to feel good….and I was gonna get all the feeling good I could get, given the circumstances. When I told our MC about this in front of him, he was a little hurt that I thought of him as a stranger at that time.

It eventually waned a bit, but we definitely had the same result as Chaos and triggers. I’d get triggered and he knew that if we made love…it would bring me back to him.

Possum-

Last time I played the pick me dance and we had hysterical bonding when I just thought he was active on dating sites but with no evidence he messaged amyone- he swore he didn't. That stopped immediately When I found the 25+ hookup site profiles and explicit messages looking for sex which i dont he ever followed up on -(thanks Ashley Madison hackers for exposing his membership info and secret email address and that opened up the floodgates to finding so much). I don't even remember when sex resumed but Even though it was infrequent (once per week on Sunday mornings whichbi chalked up to him being tired and getting older) it was Always good - he was always conscientious. At some point it tapered off to me being rejected and periods of almost nothing specially during me being disabled. BUT after my surgery in January and the healing period and i was onviousl ok there was still zero sex until I finally said something. I think he didn't want to bother me, let me sleep, and also was feeling undesirable himself ( thank you porn addiction ).

Anyway - when we did have sex he was always at least somewhat loving but always conscientious and caring of me.

So as the latest iteration of betrayal unfolded we did go through tough conversations and lerned better communication (he learned he could actually.be vulnerable and I learned to listen more than talk as i teneded to cone to conclusions and not give hime space to think or respond) then we become more intimate without sex and it gradually led to sex. The more we talk and the more we communicate the better the sex has become. Like never ever before, not even when we wete young and first met. the sex is incredible because the intimacy is 10x.

2 things that have guided us: I ask explicitly for what i want and need and my needs are taken into consideration first- not just with sex butnwith all intimacy. If I need him to hold me or talk eith me he is there even if it in the middle of the night. Second, we have discussed that I sometimes get triggered during sex and he wants me to tell him and we are OK with stopping if necessary if it gets too much. At these times he is caring and loving and just holds me and we talk.

In all things he had told me he is guided by what I say and he has followed through on that.

The other thing is if we are too tired (we are older and super busy , plus haven't got much sleep since recent d day. ) we are honest with each other.

Yes he gets his needs met but if I ever got the feeling it was more about what he wanted rather than at least equal I would not be participating.

I told him I don't NEED him for sex (if you know what i mean) but want him for the intimacy.

If the intimacy wasnt there we would not be having sex.

[This message edited by lizziej at 6:54 PM, Tuesday, August 5th]

Thanks lizziej. I appreciate your response. I think that is what I am missing, the intimacy. It was there during HB, now it has waned, so I feel like I am just going through the motions of sex. Thanks again!

I got into a similar headspace, because sex used to be so intimate, sacred, and total for me. Now it's just something fun to do. I really don't like that I lost that meaning in the aftermath of her PA.

That being said...

I have a stupidly high T level, ... statistically significant ... hardware, and when I say "fun" I mean if we filmed it we could probably make a lot of money. It's aggressive, LOOKS downright nonconsensual sometimes, and is exactly what she's into. We're 8 years out from DDay and 26 years deep (XD) in practice, so we're really good at blowing the windows out. In Vegas our neighbors were knocking on the wall to tell us to keep it down.

But I still mourn the loss of meaning and intimacy.

So... yeah, there's no right answer. You have to figure out what it is to you. Whatever you honestly arrive at is right.

In the first couple of months after d-day, I was hit by the Hysterical Bonding express freight train. My exww's constant blame-shifting put a stop to it. From then on she initiated far more often primarily to be closer (a tool).

What I learned in the months that followed, mostly from starting threads like yours, was that being authentic is critically important in R (and in life generally).

I think you'll find that being as authentic as possible can lead to greater intimacy, not just sexually, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually and whateverelsely.

BTW, never be nervous about asking questions on SI. Sharing very personal stuff, however anonymously, is why we're all here.

When i was in R, the thought of sex (with him anyway) made me physically ill. One time, after I had filed and he came to pick up some of his stuff, he hugged me. I had a very violent reaction and threw up on him. Well, his shoes anyway. He managed to get partially out of the way before I projectile vomited. Some HB, some very much don't.

Well I'm ashamed to admit that I fell right into the standard pattern most BS's fall into of doing the pick me dance, or hysterical bonding when I first learned about her affair. We had lots of sex, mostly me initiating. We have been having sex from the beginning, and still do. Sometimes more sometimes less.

Sex was pretty hard for me early on because each time I thought about it I was triggered about the things they did. I still get put off sometimes by the imagined images of them together, all based off of her telling me the "details". Thats the double edged part of wanting to know details.

She also learned she liked certain things during her affair that she never knew she liked before, or at least never told me about. I do them sometimes, but only if I can fight past the triggers. I want to please her, but sometimes it just feels wrong doing things that she "discovered" about herself during her affair. It feels like rewarding bad behavior. But on the flip side, If I genuinely want R, then I need to take steps in that direction, which means accepting new sexual preferences... I guess. In fairness the only thing I dislike about them is how she learned she liked them.

It's also sometimes difficult because her affair has shed light on our sex life over the years, and I've realized that I am the more sexually giving partner by far, and that she often focusses mostly on her own pleasure, while I'm there focussing on hers as well. No one's there focussing on me. Unfortunately it's always been like this in our relationship, but I'm only now seeing it in a different light because of her selfishness in having an affair. I wonder how many other straying partners are selfish in bed as well?

These realizations have caused me to be less interested in pleasing her, and more interested in speaking up about what I want instead. In my opinion intimate partners should each want to give the other as much pleasure as possible. Maybe we will get there, but until then this feels more balanced.

Sex started pretty quickly for us; it was reclaiming something that was mine (sexual pleasure, not my W). One of my requirements for R was that she initiate some. It also turns out that both of us had wanted more sex for some time but were afraid we'd be turned down if we asked.

Intimacy redeveloped, but not until I was as sure as I could be that my W was committed to changing from cheater to good partner - I figured a good partner may leave but won't betray, and I needed assurance she wouldn't betray me again. I think that means a couple of years, at least, not a couple of months.