SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D day was over 3 years ago. We subsequently married (2 years afterwards) and life is amazing. I still struggle from time to time and think about the affair a lot but we both learned from it, changed our lives and are living (mostly) happily ever after. Our relationship is better than before for sure.

I am getting obsessive thoughts though, I want to discuss it all, and ask questions (and possibly throw recriminations if I'm being really honest). I did plenty of that for the first year. Thing is, there is stuff I still don't know. I didn't go down the route of getting every single detail because I couldn't bear the pain and I would have probably physically hurt him.

I have niggling questions. He obviously would prefer we never mention it again due to the shame and guilt he feels and he hates that he hurt me so much.

I don't know what I would achieve by asking. But they aren't going away. Do I ask? Or just hope they recede in time and accept I will ever get full closure on everything?

Any help welcome thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Over nine years now since discovery, and those intrusive thoughts still exist for me.

Those thoughts never take over or ruin a day anymore, but I do have to deal with them and then file them back into the past where they belong.

If I have questions to this day, I will ask. Questions don’t happen much anymore, most of those endless loop things seem to be wrapped up. I just know if I need to, I can ask about it.

We tend to get the relationship we aim for, and if your relationship is indeed better than before, then this is a conversation you need to have with your spouse.

It should start with everything you mentioned here — that you are mostly in happily ever after — but you didn’t get the answers you needed about the A to fully heal.

And you can point out, you’re not bringing it up to make him feel bad, you’re bringing it up so you can finish processing your own emotional trauma.

I will add, I think my wife answered my one million questions, and human memory is not perfect, so I also understand I’ll only ever have ‘enough’ of the truth to move forward.

Maybe set up one or two talks, or if you have and trusted MC or IC in the area to sit down with you for a couple talks.

The key is NOT to bury it, it will evolve into resentments, if it hasn’t already.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:17 PM, Sunday, June 22nd]

I agree with Oldwounds. I'm writing to add:

If you can, I recommend asking yourself something like, 'What positive outcome do I hope for in asking this question?' If you can't think of a positive outcome, my reco is to hold off asking that question.

When I was 3 years out, I still had a bunch of questions that led to the positive outcomes I was looking for when I asked.

Every honest question and answer builds healthy bonds, IMO.

Wonderfully wise words thank you both so much for taking the time to reply 🙏🏻🙏🏻