SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t usually post much, I tend to scroll through threads, quietly taking in stories and advice, occasionally posting when I’m struggling or seeking guidance. Sharing your worst moments on the internet is very intimidating for me. But after doing a lot of self reflecting over the last few weeks, I realized that maybe my experience could give someone else a little hope.

Today marks 8 months since D-Day (10/4/24). June 2024 was the beginning of a five-month-long mental breakdown for me, which eventually lead to my affair. Looking back, I’ll be the first to admit, I was not the model wayward spouse. After my husband confronted me, I panicked. I lied. I gaslit. I trickle-truthed, even after being called out repeatedly. I was desperately trying to save myself and in doing so, I made things so much worse. I delayed my husband’s healing, and I dug myself into a deeper hole.

It took a major wake-up call for me to truly shift. Around three weeks after D-Day, we went on a pre-planned cruise, horrible timing in hindsight. I tried to distract myself with drinking and socializing, while my husband was quietly falling apart. On our 8-hour drive home, he handed me a note he wrote on his phone. It detailed everything he was going through: his pain, his feelings about me, about the affair, and thoughts about my AP. Reading it felt like getting punched in the face. It was the first time I think I fully saw the devastation I had caused. I finally grasped how cruel and selfish I had been. And how little I had been trying to save my marriage.

Since that moment, I’ve been doing the real work. This week marks 7 months of sobriety from alcohol (my last drink was on that cruise) and tomorrow will be 8 months sober from Xanax. I can’t put into words how much sobriety has changed our healing process. I didn’t realize how much it was impacting both of us until I got clarity.

Here are some of the things I’ve done as part of my healing and accountability, which I personally think every WS should consider:

-I got a remote job immediately after D-Day (my AP was a coworker).
-Sobriety
-Open access my phone & passwords to all my accounts.
-I initiated taking a polygraph and passed, this was an expensive but necessary step for us.
-I cut off every toxic friend who knew about or supported the affair.
- I provided my husband with a detailed written timeline of affair events & read it out loud to him. This one sucks as a WS, but is beyond helpful to the BS.
-I’ve been attending IC 2–3 times a month. Sometimes my husband joins to track my progress.
-I deactivated all social media for 6 months and only returned when my husband felt comfortable.
-I’ve read everything I can get my hands on: books, articles, and forums all about infidelity and personal growth.
-I’ve been actively working on my mental health, self-esteem, and body dysmorphia. It's really hard but it's essential for me to never get to the headspace I was in during my affair.
-I came clean to a small circle of family and friends (with my husband present) to stay accountable.They have offered us endless support.
-We recently did a two-week trial separation so my husband could reflect on whether he wanted reconciliation or divorce. The space apart was really scary at first but ended up being exactly what we both needed.
-With my husband's permission I reached out to my AP’s wife to apologize and to offer my polygraph results. She hasn’t responded and I respect that, but I needed to try. She was a close friend to me & didn't deserve what AP & I put her through. She trusted me around their children and in her home. I broke that trust, and I’ll carry that shame for a long time.
-Lastly, I reconnected with my faith in a way I never imagined, I've been very active in church since last October. In April, I surprised my family by getting baptized. That day marked a huge turning point in who I’m becoming.

None of this has been easy. It’s been filled with extremely painful conversations, sleepless nights, and more breakdowns than I can count. I’ve had to sit with the damage I created and confront every dark messed up part of myself. I’ve seen my husband at his lowest and that image will live with me forever.

And I would go through every difficult step again if it meant offering him even a small ounce of comfort or validation for the pain I caused.

We still have tough days together. Intrusive thoughts come up randomly. Disagreements happen. But for the first time in our 11-year relationship, we’re really talking to each other. We’re actually hearing each other and taking the time to work through rough moments. And while my husband never deserved what I did to him (nobody does) we’re both working on ourselves now, as individuals and as partners.

I’m endlessly proud of my husband. He’s started IC last month, he started journaling, he's apart of a group for betrayed spouses & offers new BS a safe space to chat, and even started hosting a Bible study at our home. He’s becoming the best version of himself, not for me, but for him. We both know we could survive without each other now, but the difference is we’re choosing to fight for our marriage. Every. Single. Day.

I’m not an expert in infidelity and have only scratched the surface of healing. I still make mistakes and have to keep myself in check often. But if you’re a new wayward spouse and you’re feeling crushed under the weight of your guilt and shame, please remember this:

-You can heal.
-Your bad decisions and harmful actions do not define you.
-You can be a good person.
-You can do the hard work, for yourself, and for your BS.

Lastly, If you're a religious person or open minded to Christianity the following verses hold a special place in mine & my BS healing.

"Be Still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes." - Psalms 37:7

"What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?" - Romans 8:31

If you took the time to read my rambling thoughts, thank you and I hope you can find at least one helpful piece of advice. If you have ever offered me guidance on here, thank you, it means more than you know.

Bravo.

I literally cried reading this. I don’t know why exactly, but I wanted you to know that I could feel the heartfelt nature of your post.

I think this goes without saying, because you probably already know, but taking this as a turning point is going to bring a peace you may have never known. It only gets better from here, I am still dedicated to growth and isn’t it great to feel good about who you are becoming?

Awesome Karmacat, thank you for sharing. I especially like your long list of things you did to help. There's no recipe - we each have to figure out what works for us, and different things work at different points - but sharing ideas can help people who are trying to gain a toehold.

This week marks 7 months of sobriety from alcohol (my last drink was on that cruise) and tomorrow will be 8 months sober from Xanax. I can’t put into words how much sobriety has changed our healing process. I didn’t realize how much it was impacting both of us until I got clarity.

I think that early sexual abuse and alcohol/drug use/abuse are parts of many wayward stories. Not all, and of course many people who are faithful have been abused and use alcohol and drugs, but it can be an important part of the overall picture. Good for you for your sobriety! Have you had any really challenging times during the last 8 months? Coping ahead can be key - what will you do when it's calling to you?

Lastly, I reconnected with my faith in a way I never imagined, I've been very active in church since last October. In April, I surprised my family by getting baptized. That day marked a huge turning point in who I’m becoming.

Can you talk more specifically about this part? Is it prayer, community, forgiveness ...? For me it was different things at different points.

Hopefully I quote this response correctly-

I think that early sexual abuse and alcohol/drug use/abuse are parts of many wayward stories. Not all, and of course many people who are faithful have been abused and use alcohol and drugs, but it can be an important part of the overall picture. Good for you for your sobriety! Have you had any really challenging times during the last 8 months? Coping ahead can be key - what will you do when it's calling to you?

To be fully transparent: the first few 2 months I thought about getting drunk or high almost every day. The pain and shame after discovery was eating me alive and all I wanted was to escape it.

I happened to run out of my Xanax prescription right around that time. I knew if I had it easily accessible, I would’ve taken the whole bottle just to shut everything out. So I called and asked my doctor to remove it from my chart and to never fill it again.

Getting sober from alcohol has been a whole different battle. Drinking is literally everywhere and it’s typically center of most social events. I have realized now that AP and my toxic friend group played a huge role in enabling and normalizing the way I used substances. Removing them from my life has made such a difference.

I also to share bit more context: I had weight loss surgery in 2021, and because of that, my body absorbs alcohol and medications way faster. Once I realized how quickly I could get drunk I started using it to my advantage. I ended up getting close to blackout drunk 5–6 nights a week.I tried to justify my behavior to myself and my husband, I thought because I was going to work and being a productive adult I wasn't an addict. Reflecting on that time now with a different mindset and clarity I realized it was very much a problem. I gained almost 30 pounds from binge drinking liquor,My face was always bloated, I was taking shots in my car during lunch breaks or hiding in the bathroom to drink, I drove drunk more times than I want to admit, I promised my husband I wouldn't drink, then came home wasted anyway, I mixed pills and alcohol constantly. It's just so insane that I acted that way and I’m disgusted with how deep I let it go. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t die or hurt someone.

My best friend is also on a sobriety journey, and we check in with each other every single day. I tell people before events and holidays that I’m not drinking and ask them not to offer. My husband has been sober for five years, so thankfully alcohol isn’t in our home.

When I feel triggered or the urge hits hard, I pray, I clean my house, I color or find something to read. I do something repetitive and time consuming to distract my brain. It’s not easy but I'm making it!!