SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have all been where you are to some degree or another. Shock, frozen with indecision, grief, anger, etc. etc. etc.

As others have said, speak w an attorney or 3. Knowledge is power. While it is overwhelming, do as much of the legal legwork as possible. For example, always provide multiple copies of your documents to your attorney, don’t pay them $$$ per hour, to do the minor stuff. Also, do not use expensive attorney time for the emotional support, that is what IC is for.

It seems like your stbx is pressing for a quick divorce. That can work to your advantage-some want out and are willing to pay accordingly. But do not give more than what your attorney or mediator advises-compromise is important-but do not roll over. Do not allow him to bully you at a time of extreme trauma in your life.

Use email or text as much as possible so it is in writing. If you’re tempted to react emotionally or in anger……… hit the pause button for 24 hours. Calm yourself and conduct it like a biz deal.

You can get thru this.

Sisoon is correct that a good mediator can provide protection, but I would always want my own sounding-board or legal representative. That person doesn’t have to attend the meetings per se, but I would want them to go over whatever is agreed on and help you reach your goals. Sometimes the mediator is focused on an outcome – closing the divorce – rather than ensuring complete fairness.

I think we tend to make the mistake of thinking todays situation is the forever situation. Like right now you might think that the kids need a childhood home to go to, and that might be right if the daughters were 14-18 years old, but less important after that, and probably non-relevant at 25 and older. In any instance, not having access to their childhood home is a relatively minor issue, not worth maybe a part of what might be yours by right.

Let’s put it this way: 15 years from now, when your daughters might have partners, kids, their own homes, maybe even a different city or state... You do not want to be still paying a mortgage or stuck in a too-small condo because you undervalued the family-home, or forfeit half your inheritance, and had to start off with less.

Rather than focus on his needs, your vision of "fair", family history... then keep in mind that at 55 you might want to be retiring in 10 years. How do you want to be 10 years from now? What decisions NOW can you implement to help you reach that goal?

Understand the relationship that is most likely between you and your then-ex after the divorce. It’s great if it’s amicable and I would all day recommend aiming for that. But it’s highly unlikely that you will be visiting each other, or sharing Christmas cards or presents. It won’t disappear altogether – if nothing else you two will meet over family issues and events regarding your daughters – but it’s highly unlikely you will share holidays, vacations and such.

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From the tone of your post I don’t think this divorce is what you want. I get this sense that you would have wanted to work on the marriage.
Well... Reality is that he’s not offering that... It’s like sitting in a burning house trying to ignore the flames. It wont work. But having said that...

I want to share what one poster did and shared a very long time ago on another, now relatively inactive site.
The posters husband moved out with claims of not loving her anymore and wanting his freedom.
Basically she told him to go find his happiness. That she still had positive thoughts towards him and didn’t want to hold him back if he really thought his future was elsewhere.
But then she started treating him like the uncle that overstays his visits.. The one you are cordial to, give time to chat to, but don’t really have much interest in. She would cut short conversations about the Jonses or the weather or whatever they might have chatted about previously.
She wasn’t always available for him. Demanded he call before dropping by, and more often that not told him now wasn’t a good time.
Ignored his calls and called back an hour or so later.
Changed hairstyles and took extra care in her appearance when he was around.
Was buoyant, as if she was content.
Let friends and the kids know she was going out on Friday evening, would dress up and then go to a movie – alone.
She took long drives on Saturdays – alone.
She went away for a weekend to a spa.
Basically behaved as if SHE had the freedom he insisted he wanted, and that she was moving on at an even faster pace than her husband.
She never shared with him what she was doing, but eventually he got so caught up with her having another romantic relationship that he begged for another chance.

I said she was a winner because at that point she had detached enough to be able to set the conditions for the second chance, and was pretty content to continue with the divorce had he not accepted.

I am not going to suggest you do any of this to get him back. But I do suggest YOU start having a life as a free unattached person. Not suggesting sex-clubs or dating or hit the singles bars. But simply that you have your own private life. That you go out on Friday evening to a movie or a theater. That you go to the Mall on Saturday afternoon, and come home at nine after having a nice dinner. That you spend time doing stuff YOU want to do, and don’t let the limitations that we often allow marriage place on us.
This will help you with the acceptance of the inevitability, while also maybe ramming home the reality of the inevitability to your husband.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:18 PM, Thursday, June 5th]

Matilda, do not give your husband credit for caring about your children having a safe place to live. If he genuinely believed that he would not be abandoning you and your children, which is what he is doing. He’s saying all the right things so that you have no argument. I think you need to look at what’s in the best interest of your children and that is a mother who can provide joy, safety, and nurturing. If you’re stressed out because of bills, or grief, or anger who pays the price? Your children, of course. That house is just a bunch of wood and plaster and toilet seats. Don’t let hanging onto that house makes such a mess of your life that you cannot look at him realistically. He’s doing a bad thing. You can’t sugarcoat it. You need an attorney and you need to let an attorney help you be realistic about what you can and cannot do and have.