What A Mess

Trigger Warning - Unsuccessful suicide attempt

I was on an overseas holiday for 2 weeks to visit my family. My partner doesn't really like travelling so I'd come to accept that it didn't have to stop me. We've been living together for 5 years, both previously married, adult children. He's estranged from his and every other family member except his granddaughter, I'm close with all of my family.

On my last night there before I was due to go to a farewell dinner with my aunty and her husband, a random message from a woman pops up in messenger asking what my relationship to my partner is because he's been pursuing her for the past TWO YEARS and telling her we were housemates, but she started to get suspicious. You know how suspicious women are - we do better work than the FBI.

I tell her we definitely aren't housemates, and I'd like to see these messages he's been sending her. So she sends me dozens and dozens of screenshots. A few of which he refers to me as a narcissist and that he loves her, wants a future with her, telling her absolute bull**** that is not true, even about himself. As her and I message back and forth she is absolutely livid that he's been lying to her as well. So I text him that this has happened and he can start packing his things. He flat out denies it. Wasn't him. He was hacked. I said wow this hacker knows a lot about you. Then it was 'she started sending me a bunch of texts and is acting like I was talking to her when I wasn't....' This in spite of the screenshots I'm sending him to debunk that. Then I have to get on a flight to come home. 24 hours to think and seethe.

The morning after I got home, he is still completely denying it. I tell him we have to discuss moving forward - such as him moving out and separating bank accounts etc. He still has to go. When he's not getting anywhere with me, he went around to my daughter's house. Her husband greeted him at the door and said he wasn't welcome there and can't come in, after what he has done. He stands there and asks 'what have I done?' He then comes back home and I see him go into the shed and come out with electrical cord/extension leads in his hand and a look of thunder on his face. He walks past me and goes out the front door, I see him put the cord in the car and drive off. I call the police, can't find my keys to follow him. By the time I get in my car he has disappeared and I don't know which direction he has gone in. I'm still on the phone to police and they tell me to go back home as they don't want to be chasing me around while I'm looking for him. So I go back home.

A while later the police come to the house and they have found him, somebody saw what he was doing and intervened, he's alive and being taken to hospital. He's been in ICU for the past few days, is now awake, but should be ok. This is 12 hours after I landed. That's the back story.

I am still moving forward with ending this relationship. It's really hard because a week ago I thought my life was one thing, and now it's this. Getting removalists in to pack his stuff up which can be stored in the garage until he finds somewhere else. It's heartbreak and having to do the next 'practical' thing and then pause for a bit to let the heart catch up. On top of being concerned about his wellbeing, but only phoning the hospital but not going in. Our relationship has been declining for a while, he has an opioid addiction and flat out denies it. He's good at denying things. I went to see his doctor about it a few months ago and that didn't achieve anything. Even when he's been in ICU this week, I find empty boxes stuffed everywhere.

I don't want to deal with that any more. Now there's the EA that's been going on for TWO YEARS. There's the trash talking about me. A whole bunch of health issues I've stood by him with. If he won't admit anything or take accountability or be honest, I don't see a way out of it. And even if he did, the trust is unlikely to return. Before the current EA, I innocently found messages between him and an ex when I unplugged his phone from the charger to I could connect my phone. I'm 59 soon and would rather live a peaceful life. I just feel really *hitty that I have to make these hard decisions while he's in hospital. But it's the consequences of his actions, right? He's a retired veteran, I still work full time so can support myself. He's just one of these people who makes accusations and when provided with proof to the contrary, won't look at it. It makes me crazy.

Thanks for reading. PB.

ETA - as I'm listed as his NOK, I get to speak to the hospital about him and while they were asking me questions to get some background on him, they let it slip that he has borderline personality disorder, which I did not know about. I knew he had PTSD, but not BPD. Probably explains a lot.

19 comments posted: Saturday, August 31st, 2024