SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t been here for a while, on the advice of my therapist I needed to get offline for a while and stop comparing or seeking advice but I have started to look a bit more recently as I’m feeling more and more frustrated with myself and feel that I’m drowning again.

I’m still here, 18 months from D-Day but we’re STILL not talking about anything important or about us or the future.

I started to open the door by addressing that I felt resentment toward the years he stole from me while having an affair. I can’t blame him now I only have myself to blame for the current 18 months I’ve given him again since everything imploded. He didn’t respond and instead after a 5 or 10 minute silence he continued his previous conversation about something trivial.

I’m slowly coming to realisations so perhaps it just takes people longer than others but I need more love than he demonstrates (we’re basically roommates), I need more excited and fun from a partner who wants to plan adventures and what’s to plan our future.

I stayed for fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of not having a family (I’m 31 and desperate for children) but I can bring myself to feel anything sexual toward him any more - so I’m fearing something that is already happening (I already feel alone because no one can understand unless they’ve experienced this trauma, I don’t have a family and whilst he always says oh if we have kids I’d do xyz with them and the like but we don’t actually talk about starting to try for a baby.

I feel like I’m dying from the inside but I fear I’m leaning to ending things because above all else I feel shame and embarrassed to stay. I’ve always been open minded to being human and therefore we’re all flawed so if it was a kiss or one night stand I don’t think I would feel how I do right now which is lost, lonely, out of love, depressed, severely emotionally fatigued, angry, resentful, bitter. Yet somewhere deep inside (perhaps my codependency) he still feels like my person. So part of me wants me to pull my finger out and starting treating him like a partner and equal and showing him affection and love. But I’m so in my head I can’t do that: so he doesn’t show those things to me either.

I’m pulling away from friends and family and I don’t know how to get my life back on track. I don’t know how to talk to him to work on our relationship, I don’t know if I even want to. I don’t know how to leave and move out of my beautiful home. I don’t know how to reintegrate him with friends and family (some are already fine with him but some haven’t seen him properly since). I want to start living with clarity again and moving with intention rather than keep letting life happen to me. I just don’t know how.

I have no where else to turn but this forum so I’m posting my diary entry here. To those who are kind enough to add your insights or advice I apologise in advance if I don’t respond to you all but I find it mentally too overwhelming but please know I read and value every comment that people send and I have re read many of my past posts.

I started to open the door by addressing that I felt resentment toward the years he stole from me while having an affair. I can’t blame him now I only have myself to blame for the current 18 months I’ve given him again since everything imploded. He didn’t respond and instead after a 5 or 10 minute silence he continued his previous conversation about something trivial.

Not even an "I'm so sorry", huh? Wow.

Do you want children with a man who models handling hard things by glossing over them and essentially saying "So anyway..."? Who can't even manage a soft apology when someone whom he hurt is in pain? Oof.

I think his exact response was a pause then ‘I understand why you feel like that we will come back to it’ then carried on with his other conversations.

It’s hard because I think I have an enormous amount of empathy for him. I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t have loads of friends and had a difficult childhood. I can see the person he used to be at the start of our time together and probably some of who I want him to be. We have so many good years together and it seems like such a waste to end it all and have nothing to show for it.

He would probably be a better dad than he is a partner he’s always been good with the children in the families.

I saw someone post on another thread about missing who you used to be before the betrayal. I miss how I used to love and show love and how I felt about myself and the world.

Sometimes I think we need to do couples counselling and then other times I think in another 10 years will we still be in the same loop of not moving forward with life goals and family plans and not living each other fully.

Also think I have a romanticised idea of love and perhaps this pain will happen whoever I end up with so maybe being with someone we have such shared history and bond with is the right choice.

Not sure how I can still be so unsure of myself after all this time.

How long since you brought up your resentment?

If it’s only been a few hours, maybe he needs time to gather his thoughts. This is not a time for shooting from the hip.

If it’s been a week, well, that’s too long.

It was a few days ago now that I brought it up.

I know I’m also clearly just as bad at communicating - think I’m scared of the physicality of the emotions and feeling the pain is too much to bear so I just bury it all but I’m suffering now in other ways I.e with my no inner peace and mind constantly on the go thinking of it all etc

Robin,

I too had a very fairy tale idealization of marriage. His LTA burst that bubble - and I have grown from that. The romanticized version we held was… well… for children. It’s not the real world. I learned this at age 50, so this was a deeply held belief. I think you should discuss this with your therapist. Authentic marriage, not idealized, is a lot messier. And it also means we don’t put up with stuff that is not serving us or the M well.

It reads that you and your WS are not discussing the A at all - not just this one time where you brought it up, but at all. Is that correct or am I mis-reading your post? Is this because you are not bringing it up, he is not bringing it up, or both? And why not? Have you told him what you need when you bring things up like you did this week? Does he usually respond in an healthy and helpful way? Or does he dodge the conversation to discuss later and then never bring it back up again? And is this his normal reaction?

Is he in IC? What is going on there if he is?
What does your IC say when you talk about how to broach tough subjects with him? if your IC can’t help with this… then I have concerns abut your IC. Might be time to switch IC up. My first IC could not take me there either - I switched therapists and he helped me find my spine and identify what I needed.

Fear of the future is real, but it is largely unfounded. You might look at the pinned post in the S/D forum where folks have weighed in on what they feared and what actually happened. It’s pretty enlightening. Not saying D is easy - it is not - but most of what we feared never came to pass.

31 is not so late that you can’t D him, meet someone new, and have kids. Or consider other options - IVF, adoption, etc. Lots of ways to have kids. And why are you not discussing this with your H? I understand for the first year after DDAY that it should be off the table. Are you not pushing it because you secretly feel he will not be the right partner for you to raise kids with? Or are you afraid he will say no to kids? In either case, you are better off cutting your losses now. In five years, you will have fewer options.

And as for your comment that it takes some people longer to realize that this is not enough— meh. Took me a year. Takes some less time, some more time. it takes as long as it takes.

Lastly, PLEASE re-engage with family and friends. you need them. They provide a critical outlet and counterbalance from walking on eggshells and the bubble of the A. Whether you stay with your WS or D, you need them in your life. Reach out by calling them and meeting for coffee or brunch or whatever. Don’t let his A take them from you. If they are not interested in being near your WS, then okay, See them by yourself. This is you living intentionally.

it’s good you are seeking a way to live a happier, more intentional life. Keep pushing that agenda. You are stronger than you know, and I think you are on the cusp of change. Good luck!

I think his exact response was a pause then ‘I understand why you feel like that we will come back to it’ then carried on with his other conversations.

You: Okay, when? Let's set a time.

OR you can set an internal deadline and wait and watch to see what he does. I find it particularly audacious that he dismissed your concerns in favor of his own, and his own comfort.

You are allowed to have requirements for staying in this relationship. Real-time (or as close to real time as possible) communication of thoughts and feelings can be a requirement.

Trying to return to the good feelings without handling the bad ones is rugsweeping.

Honestly you are still young and have enough time to have kids. I am worried that you will be stuck in this loop with him forever as he has not made any changes or even addressed the elephant in the room. He just keeps kicking the ball down the road. The fact that you said you feel like roommates and have no desire for sex with him does not bode well for the future. Kids will just make this worse.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him what you need from him. From needing to discuss the A to making you feel wanted and excited to be with him. Tell him if nothing changes or no effort is put in you are going to make plans to exit the relationship. Or you can just exit the relationship. Make a game plan with a time limit and then either stay because it is improving or leave because it is not. You only get this life I would do anything I could to make sure you get what you want out of this life.

I would definitely reconnect with family and friends again. Start living your life for YOU.

Bearly ;

I don’t think it has to be messy, we didn’t ever argue we supported each other through job changes and house moves etc. but I always envisioned being loved out loud and having someone take the lead - that’s the piece I romantise (or it exists just not in my WP).

To be honest it’s probably a bit of neither of us are really addressing anything so it’s totally rug swept - he probably doesn’t want to say anything for fear of us ending and maybe I’m the same but also I don’t want to experience the painful emotions that go with addressing the elephant in the room. I’m not happy.

He is not in IC, he did it for a short while after d-day but felt he was all better and didn’t need it. I’ve been forking out for therapy since but yes I perhaps need a new therapist to help guide me to finding my spine in having difficult conversations.

He always says he wants kids, but yea we’ve been together a long time and never gone to the stage of actually having them (I guess coz he was too busy having an affair and I was too naive and content with our life that I didn’t feel the need to push it, I have calmness and totally believe we would have them… now I’m in a panic I never had before).

Thank you for that encouragement I have just messaged a friend to meet up after so long so hopefully that will help me find the light again.

Sacred ;

Yes I think my isssue is then not following up to bring the conversation back to what I raised and letting it get swept under the rug with everything else. I seem to be in my head so much about communication I don’t know why I can’t say any words to him and start addressing things. I want to have these conversations in person - maybe I just need to get drunk to loosen the tongue!🤣

Also I think I haven’t been aware of my own requirements either so perhaps I’m struggling as I don’t know what to communicate.

Crazy ;

I know it is concerning to feel like roommates! We have a very practical and functional relationship splitting chores/dinner or bringing coffee unasked but not a loving or attentive or fun filled one at the moment!

Thank you - I definitely need to be more direct and I have the same fear of this continuous loop where there’s no change and no growth! Hopefully with more IC I can find the confidence to start understating what I actually want long term and then moving toward through conversations and then actions of either moving forward or leaving and moving on.

I think I haven’t been aware of my own requirements either so perhaps I’m struggling as I don’t know what to communicate.

Do you journal? If not, get one! Start writing without thinking too hard about it and see what comes up. Just let the words flow from your pen. Don't worry about punctuation or spelling, just barf it all up. See what happens. You could make bullet point lists, too. "Things I need in my marriage" "Things I want in my marriage" "Things I will no longer tolerate." "I am angry about..."

Also, you don't want to numb feelings with substances or rely on them too often, but if a couple of glasses of wine helps you to feel less inhibited about opening a line of communication while still remaining in integrity with your thoughts and feelings, why not give it a go? I have experienced some of the deepest connections ever with my H when we were both using cannabis. It really depends on whether or not you can use that sort of tool wisely. Some people can't.

What do you talk to your therapist about? You've written about some things you wish were different about yourself. Are you working with your therapist to change in the direction you want?

You might get some benefit by asking some MCs is they can and will help you and your H talk about what really matters to you. Not guaranteed to work, but it might get you onto a right path.

I'm sorry you feel like you're drifting.