SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are 2 years and 4 months + out from DD. WH has made quite a few really significant changes in his life. He's WAY from perfect and there have been some major hiccups along the way, although none total dealbreakers or breaches of non-negotiable boundaries. I have found no evidence of relapse or broken NC (other than the once when he got dragged into a convo he couldn't avoid in the hallway at work with a few people including AP that he disclosed to me - not immediately unfortunately, but within a couple of days once he had mustered up the balls to...). We did MC for 2 years. I'm still in IC, he has tried IC with a couple of therapists but hasn't really found one he likes so he's a bit hesitant to keep trying but hasn't said no either. We are doing ok? I guess is the word? But I'm struggling to move forward.

It's like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, still. I have full access still, I check seldom these days but I have never found anything even remotely alarming or suspicious since those first days after DD. There hasn't been, as of yet, any trickle truth that I know of. He pretty much blurted everything out in the first 48h when we were in total chaos and I was all over him with a million questions and he answered everything without hesitation - some things I wish I hadn't gotten the answer to but I'd rather have too much than too little truth.

He still works at the same place as AP. As I've explained in other posts it's not from lack of trying, he's applied fro 50+ jobs all over the country/world but it's a specialised field with few opportunities so it's a tough one unless we are willing to completely wreck his whole career as well as our financial situation. I do believe this is one of the issues keeping me back from trusting that we have a future. There hasn't been, as far as I know, any contact like I said, but it makes me feel utterly unsafe and it just gives me the ick.

As we've been working on R, in MC as well as IC for almost 2,5 years by now, I'm thinking, maybe, I've come to that time and place where you just have to decide for yourself, enough is enough? As in, maybe, WH has done pretty much what he can, we've done the MC for now at least, now would be the time to sort of take a leap of faith. Not rug sweeping, I don't think one can call that this far down the line, but just deciding to put less focus on active R work and more just on living, I guess? has anyone had any real success with taking that sort of decision at any point int R and how did you manage it? I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of addiction almost to the drama and the fear and being the betrayed? I keep punishing him and I do believe I might be the one holding us back from moving forward in any significant way at this point. Obviously he needs to keep working on himself and keep the changes he's managed to make so far, but how did those of you who have managed to move on from the main focus being on the A to just living again?

I posted exactly this a few days ago.

Might he cheat on you in the future? He might.

Might he dump you in the future? He might.

But if you want guaranteed love, guaranteed loyalty, get a dog.

Human beings are risky.

At some point, you just have to take a deep breath and move on.

Yes! Eventually I realized that holding on to the shit which became a shield around me actually felt, well, pretty shitty. The amount of pain I spent dragging it along, although didn’t cause the intense excruciating pain of discovery, the sheer amount of time it did cause a constant ache was taking from my life too. At some point I had to dive back into life or create an entire new one, but the shit dragging had to stop.

There are some definite parallels between your situation and mine, and my husband still works with his AP, which slowed my healing process and our reconciliation trajectory.

If he’s a good candidate for reconciliation and that remains the path you want, I think you have to figure out how to conceptualize what moving on means to you.

For me, the leap of faith metaphor has never really worked. I think I come from too much childhood trauma (which included some really harmful religiosity) to do anything that feels like a leap. For whatever reason, I have to climb down into the gap, trudge through whatever’s at the bottom, and climb back up the other side, even if leaping would be quicker and easier. What can I say; I’m risk averse.

What seems to be working for me is that somewhere in year three, my orientation gradually shifted from the past of the affair to the present work of rebuilding a relationship and then eventually to the thinking ahead toward a future together.

I still have thoughts of the affair sometimes, and I still have fears that pop up from time to time. I don’t ignore them, but I don’t dump them heavily on my husband, and I don’t wallow in them longer than necessary. I let them pass through my mind and emotions and then continue along in the overall positive of our present relationship and anticipated future.

I don’t know if that makes sense or is helpful, but for me at least, years 3 and 4 is where that has happened.

As long as he is still looking for new jobs, I'd probably feel ok-ish.

Working with AP stunts healing big time.

I don’t have any advice as I’m closing in on the 18 month mark since my own dday, but I’ve also been curious what the "moving on" or "letting it go" approach would look like/feel like.

Personally, I’m soooooo over living and breathing life of infidelity every day … I just want to go about my day, my life, in a normal way.

I think (at least for me) trying to process the ins and outs of infidelity is an imperative part towards healing - if I think about it, I’m not going to fight it and if I’m not thinking about it, I’m going to enjoy the normalcy.

As some other members have pointed out above and in other recent posts I’ve read, years 3 and 4 seem to be more of that turning point of proceeding forward.

I understand the hesitation you have due to him still working with the AP … that is tough. Mine worked with his for another 4 1/2 months after dday and it messed with me immensely - there was a sense of relief once she was fired. However, if your H has applied for several other jobs and he works in a speciality field, your hands are kinda tied. For what it’s worth, you (and your H) seem to be handling it well and the communication is kept clear and open surrounding any interactions they might have at work. There’s not much else you can really do here.

I think if you feel like your H has done/continues to do the work and you feel healed enough at 2 1/2 years out, I think that could be the next logical step for your M. Clearly at this point, there has been no rug-sweeping and you’ve identified R as your chosen path. Although, I’m sure the "moving on" process is easier said than done.

Regardless what the circumstance, I think (at least to some degree) we will always wonder if/when the other shoe will drop. Not because it will, but because we possess that hyper awareness that anything is possible.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 1:03 AM, Tuesday, April 1st]

At some point, you just have to take a deep breath and move on.

I realise this, the question is how does one go about doing that?

Yes! Eventually I realized that holding on to the shit which became a shield around me actually felt, well, pretty shitty. The amount of pain I spent dragging it along, although didn’t cause the intense excruciating pain of discovery, the sheer amount of time it did cause a constant ache was taking from my life too. At some point I had to dive back into life or create an entire new one, but the shit dragging had to stop.

How did you take that leap, any tips?

What seems to be working for me is that somewhere in year three, my orientation gradually shifted from the past of the affair to the present work of rebuilding a relationship and then eventually to the thinking ahead toward a future together.

This is what I believe I need to start working towards, I just don't know HOW.

Working with AP stunts healing big time.

Yes, this is something I struggle so much with even though I know he's trying his best to remedy this, I'm not sure it's something I can live with forever if he never gets another job.

As some other members have pointed out above and in other recent posts I’ve read, years 3 and 4 seem to be more of that turning point of proceeding forward.

This is what I feel I need, I just need to get out of the A being the main focus in my life for too long, my main identification being the betrayed, my main view of him as a cheater. I just struggle with how to do that. It's SO consuming emotionally and it's still such a huge loss in my everyday life.

One of you has to start the process.

It should be him, but maybe it’s going to have to be you.

Swallow your pride, overcome your fear, and make yourself vulnerable again.

I realise this, the question is how does one go about doing that?

Ask and answer questions like the following:

Do you really want R?
Does your WS want R?
Is your WS holding themself to account?
Is your WS still lying?
How good a candidate for R do you think your WS is?
What red and yellow flags to do you sense?
What does your gut say?
What's missing?
What changes will restore what's missing?
Are you willing to do the work that hasn't yet been done?

For us, during year 2-3 issues morphed from primarily A-related to primarily daily life-related. By the end of year 4, the issues were almost all related to daily life, but I didn't trust my W until well into year 4. YMMV.

Swallow your pride, overcome your fear, and make yourself vulnerable again.

I have no pride left, threw that out long ago, but overcoming my fear is another whole monster. And with that follows difficulty being vulnerable. I do it sometimes, and then panic and lash out, freak out he's gonna hurt me again.

Do you really want R?
Does your WS want R?
Is your WS holding themself to account?
Is your WS still lying?
How good a candidate for R do you think your WS is?
What red and yellow flags to do you sense?
What does your gut say?
What's missing?
What changes will restore what's missing?
Are you willing to do the work that hasn't yet been done?

I'll try to answer them all without writing a novel.

Yes, at least I did. It's just I'm starting to loose faith that it's gonna be possible.
Yes, but he's also starting to loose faith I think.
Yes. Perhaps not perfectly, but yes.
I don't know is the honest answer. Haven't found any evidence he is lying and he hasn't been inconsistent in his version for all this time, however some things I have a hard time believing or trusting still. Things that I have no way of verifying.
He's an ok candidate I guess. Absolutely not perfect, but not horrible either, hasn't broken hard boundaries but has made some serious mistakes in handling things well along the way that has set us back.
Red flags are: he's always been prone to lying about things small and big, he still does this knee-jerk lying sometimes about small unimportant things, but I have seen an improvement as he finally seems to get the connection to the A. He's not in IC consistently so I'm unsure he's dug deep enough into his why's. Very avoidant and shame based personality. Yellow flags (I take that as things that are improving) : he's read books and tries to use methods suggested in them, not perfectly, but more and more. he expresses remorse, still gives me full access to everything, says he's not going anywhere even when I rage, and he's drinking 90% less than previously. He was never a really heavy drinker, but sort of relied on a beer or two to relax most days, he's stopped that now for many months on his own accord. He tries to repair on an almost daily basis now and doesn't stay in his avoidant shut downs as long as he used to.
I don't trust my gut at all at the moment. My gut is still on high alert and sees nothing but red flags in everything and everyone. I have serious FOO trauma so this whole ordeal has sent my gut into full panic mode permanently. My gut screams that he's probably been sleeping around on me our entire 25 years since he did it once why not. And why would he stop now. I have not found anything indicating this, but this is where my gut is at since DD so I'm trying to get my gut to calm down and focus on what I see, hear and know for a fact.
I don't know what's missing, I think that is my problem. So I don't know what I need more of. This is where my thought has come in that perhaps it's time to accept we're good enough and take a leap of faith. I just don't know how. Grace maybe. Grace from me is missing. The ability to see him as a good person who did something bad and not as a bad person. I want to, but it's impossible for now.
Yes, I just wish I knew what that requires.

Just wanted to chime in and say I can relate and am in a pretty similar position, both time wise (a little over 2 years) and mindset wise.

I have no evidence of anything wrong going on, and everything in theory is on the up (in many ways better than before!). But I still just have these random illogical moments of doubt that weren't there before...

But then I remind myself they are logical, as I never had to deal with this before if that makes sense?

So I too am grappling with trying to push all this stuff out of my mind and just move forward.

No real point, just want you to know you are not alone.

And thanks for the list @sissoon, good food for thought.

"freak out that he’s going to hurt me again"

Make yourself vulnerable.

Trust that he won’t hurt you again.

Give him that chance. He doesn’t deserve it, but give it to him anyway.

It’s the only way to get where you want to go.

Hi Mis,

I just wanted to add an encouragement to the other voices in this thread that are speaking to that 3.5 year-ish shift. My (what I consider to be the "full" one) DDAY was in April 2021. I have been dealing with, what I consider to be for the most part, a model wayward wife during this time. Even with that, I have spent the better part of the last 3.5 years in some level of abject, daily torture over all of the infidelity events. I suppose if I didn't have the mostly model wayward, I would not have been able to endure that. Who would (and why would anyone)? My hope to encourage you today lies in this: Somewhere towards the end of November/early December of 2024 (so roughly 3.5 years in)...it just...shifted. I can't even tell you why. I wasn't doing anything radical or super focused or running calculted steps or program or anything. I was just, well, in the the most unspectacular and un-"sexy" way possible...surviving it a day at a time. And roughly 3.5 years in. It just changed. I know it's not magic or fairy dust or some such thing...but, it (all the tortuous stuff...much of what you describe) just shifted, like others in this thread have given voice to. I take guesses as to why and just basically suppose that this extended amount of time seeing my wife offer consistent remorse and ownership and willingness to help me, just finally "did" something. Something in the deep. And maybe it just takes something like that for that long to have its "healing" effect? I'm not sure. All I know is that I can attest to the fact that this is how this happened for me. And, I will tell you, after 3.5 years of enduring that, I was reaching the near end of being able to keep it up. Utter exhaustion. And most often I did not do it with much grace or "flair". Survival is most often an ugly endeavour after all. I was beginning to get convinced it was never to going to abate or get better. But, I kicked and scratched and clawed to hang on as long I reasonably could and, ultimately...it shifted. And I too, was desperate like you to find some solution. To figure out "how". How to trust more. How to not be so...affected by it all. How to be more secure. How to exhale and not wait for some other shoe to drop. How to not feel so disgraced and degraded. How to...move on. I guess I just want to encourage you that, from my limited view of your situation and my own experience, I would like to offer to you this: The thing you are searching for how to do?...I think you are already doing it. I think so so so much of surviving infedlity, ESPECIALLY in the first years after discovery, is just a flat out war of attrition. Of just showing up to the fight and surviving another day...another week...another month...another year, until one day you look around on a December day and realize that things...have shifted. Now, I know this is a radical oversimplification. You need something real to hang onto to keep you showing up. You need to see things consistently from your wayward. You need to see that the "plunder" of a victory in this war is "worth" continuing to press the fight another day, week, year. AND, you most certainly do NOT keep pressing forward against an array of waving red flags. But, reducing all the complexities down to their barest parts...I think it is possibly this simple. Keep showing up. Just like you already are. As long as victory is still worth it to you (and that is for you and you alone to decide)...keep showing up. Even when the insecurities scream, the doubts wrap their hands around your heart, and the pain makes you miss some breaths. Keep showing up. I know you're tired...beyond actually...WAY beyond actually. But...give this another year. Get closer to this 3-4 year space this thread is testifying to. It's not a guarantee of course, but maybe just maybe you might find the victory-over-the attrition shift many of us have found by pressing on that far. It will certainly be my hope that you do.

A fellow traveler,

WH

Wounded healer! It’s nice to see you! I’ve wondered sometimes how you’ve been.

Misery, I agree with WH. I think the shift happens as you just show up in the relationship and continue the process of being honest with yourself. I completely understand the FOO trauma that exacerbates the fears and emotional reactions. That is another thing that has stretched out my healing time.

I don’t think there’s a magical switch to flip to start moving on, but I do think there are some things that can get your brain out of betrayal space for periods of time, and for me, that helped my mental health and I suspect also helped me turn a corner. Hobbies that you really enjoy and that take full concentration are helpful (I took up paddle boarding, and for the past few years I’ve been paddling the river near me from headwaters to end, in increments). Doing enjoyable things with my husband that don’t involve deep conversation, romance, or other intimate relationship pressure has also been helpful for me. We do building projects together, or go to something unusual or fun, or go hiking, etc.

Hi G!

I still read fairly regulary here and am always glad to see you show up in a thread. SO much respect and appreciation for your thoughtful sharing. Wishing you, and Misery, and all of us, continued strength, grace, and hope to hold us and keep us overcoming.

Cheers!

WH