SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here is the background, affairs event, and current situation:

Background:
My WS and I have been married for 19 years, have two children and an unconventional setup, gender-wise. I stayed home with our children as she pursued starting her own business. I take care of all support for our kids’ logistics and most household duties. I also worked part time in my own business and as bookkeeper/tax prep/billing for her business as a consultant. Her business grows and our kids are 11 and 7.

Affairs:
She is unhappy and feels like I want too much when I broke my foot two years ago in May. I am in a cast for 3 months. Two weeks after the injury she plans a three-day work trip two months later to begin a SA with one of her clients that she has already started an EA with. That August she takes the trip and begins the SA. They have several meetups, and the AP eventually stops the sexual aspect of their relationship.

She dumps on me emotionally and says she has never been happy in over 20 years of being together (she just never said anything…). She stops all physical contact with me that September and says I don’t respect her if I want any contact. (This is when I begin to assume she has had an affair – she denies adamantly when asked.)

I ask to start MC and she agrees. She states that the problem is me. I am paranoid that she is having an affair, and she doesn’t trust me.

She takes a trip, and I accidentally see texts that show here asking the AP to join her in Palm Springs. She then takes another trip for work and has a ONS while across the country. She tells everyone that she is divorced and sends me a pic before going out and I notice she isn’t wearing her wedding ring. When she gets home after being gone for over two weeks, I confront her with the things I’ve observed, and she then admits to the affairs.

She claims she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to hurt me and was trying to work through her issues on her own.

More counseling and her hiding continued contact with the original AP. Finally cutting things off (permanently?) last August with the AP.

Current Situation:
New MC and WS is still avoidant. No physical contact and I’m not supposed to ask for it. She still maintains that she doesn’t trust but won’t say why when pressed. WS has admitted she has a problem with drinking and has started drinking less. I have been attending Al-anon for about 2.5 months and am finding it a supportive group that "gets it."

The lack of emotional, intellectual, and physical intimacy has led me to consider exploring ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) as an option. She has balked saying we are in the same situation. I have said that our situations are different since I want a relationship with her and continue to be vulnerable with her. She is withdrawn and does not want contact.

I gave her a copy of "Helping Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." She blew up after reading it and hasn’t spoken with me in 2.5 weeks.

So, I am at the juncture of asking for one of the following:
1)Engage in a meaningful way with me. Opening up emotionally and being vulnerable and open to contact.
2)Support my decision to try ENM as a means of meeting my desire for intimacy in an open, non-cheating relationship outside our marriage.
3)Begin separation or divorce.

Sorry for the long post, but I know that context is important, and I am unsure of how to proceed or if I’m just not being patient enough.

Thank you.

You’re being too patient.

She’s abusing you and it has to stop.

#3 is your only option, as your wife has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't love you, respect you, or even like you. She doesn't even want to talk to you! She's already living her life as a single woman.

If she's going to MC, it's probably only so she can tell other people that she tried and because it's probably cheaper to remain legally married than have to pay you child support, alimony, or buy you out of your stake in her business.

I would go for the separation/divorce as well.

You have already asked for number 1 and number 2 and she said no.

Reconciliation takes two people who have the drive to make it work. Open marriages only work well when there is a ton of mutual trust and communication. So instead you would be inviting more chaos.

Just tell her you want a divorce. She has left you no choice.

It breaks my heart that she is taking away my ability to be a parent every day. I think this is the hardest hurdle. I love my kids and she seems to be indifferent about the consequences of divorce on our kids. She is still in lala land.

Last year when we were barreling toward divorce, she said she wanted a 50/50 custody agreement because she wants to be there (for the first time) for our kids. She's a work-aholic, alcoholic mother who loves her girls, but only when her work schedule allows. When she has time with just her and the kids, 9/10 times she involves a friend of hers too.

If nothing else, typing all this out and reading through it is helping me realize the reality that we are heading to separation/divorce. BTW, we are in a no-fault state.

Welcome to SI, the greatest club no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here.

I've been a member of this little club for nearly 10 years. In that time I've seen the same the stories over and over again. While the people and situations are unique, there are clear patterns that emerge, belying simple human nature.

From what you've written, I think your WW wants out of your marriage and wants you to be "bad guy" who starts the process. She's not to blame, of course, because it was all your fault. There's not much you can do beyond preparing yourself for life without her, unless you're happy with the current situation.

Best wishes, brother. I hope you keep posting. There are very wise people here.

Another one here who thinks you should start looking at D. I would do a couple of free lawyer consults to find one that fits and see what D would look like in your situation. Most likely will be a 50/50 split but since she's such a workaholic I believe you will probably end up having them more often than not because it will interfere with her work time, play time, whatever the heck she is doing time.

I would immediately start doing the 180 and focus on just you and the kids. Start detaching from her.

She refuses intimacy, has no empathy for you and freaks out over reading "Helping Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." She honestly sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies. She is no where near remorseful and I don't see much to work with here.

The hardest part will be splitting time with the kids after taking care of the full time. I'm so sorry, it really does hurt and causes loneliness, but you will have time to explore and find yourself. Maybe make some new friends and start establishing a really good support system. Eventually you will find someone who will give you the intimacy and love you deserve.

You need to see an attorney or 3. You need to know the lay of the land. It doesn’t mean you have to file for divorce right away, but you need to know what you don’t know.

It’s crystal clear your wife has absolutely zero respect for you. Some women are fine respecting stay-at-home-husbands, but others, deep down, are not. No question where your wife falls.

You’ve made the same mistake so many have: you started MC trying to combat her adultery. The issue is that the marriage didn’t cheat. She did. Most MC’s are merely trying to save the M at all costs, which often times means applying the cruel and false "unmet needs" fallacy, where ultimately the betrayed gets at least partly blamed and ordered to "do better". Then the rug-sweeping begins. Shell-shocked betrayed often accept blame and rug-sweep as they’re desperate to "get back to normal", when in reality, their entire world has shifted epically, and pretending nothing happened only (often) emboldens the adulterer to repeat performances (as you have experienced) and actually causes the adulterer to further despise their spouse, especially when a man doesn’t stand up for himself and refuse further abuse.

My advice would be to start IC and dig into processing this. I don’t know you, but ask your IC if you have signs of codependency (I was once this way, unknowingly). Decide you will no longer accept any of her abuse. Your only chance at saving this M, which you seem desperate to do (no judgment), is to be willing to lose it. You must reach that point where you stand up for yourself and tell her you will no longer live like this. If that means the end of the M, so be it. You’d actually come out financially ahead since you’ve been the stay home spouse. Thing is, this isn’t a bluff. You must 100% mean it. Stick with IC until you mean it - that you’re done beyond walked all over and you’re ready to call time on this M. At first she may well explode at you. Brush it off. You’re done living this way. But you know what, she may actually consider starting to respect you, as you’ve become no longer willing to eat the shit sammich she keeps demanding you eat (and, you have).

Above all, keep posting here. Folks here legit care for you. Try to accept what may come across as harsh is coming from a place of concern. Tough love if you will.

I have an attorney. I was sure I was getting divorced last year when I found out she had been lying about breaking off contact with the AP. Already know the lay of the land in that regard.

As for being codependent, maybe a little. In my reading and IC (I have been in IC off and on for years as part of my own self care!) I have realized that I have been verbally and emotionally abused by my WS. As a SAHD, admitting to being abused by my wife is super difficult. My friends have no idea how to handle it and often withdraw.

Another interesting note. I've been sober myself for 18 months (I quit for health reasons) and this whole process has opened my eyes to being surrounded by alcoholics (WS included). Since getting sober, it seems that all my new friends I make are sober themselves or VERY light drinker (less than one/week).

My WS is a high-income earner and I have been hesitant to divorce for multiple reasons. Financially, there will be some big changes. I will not have my kids around every day (9&13). My WS and I have different ideas how custody would work, were we to divorce (this is based on talking it through 10 months ago.

She works 50-60 hours/week for 6 months straight, then has 10-40 hour weeks (erratic schedule). Then every other year her supper busy season is only 2 months long. She thinks we would just average out a 50/50 around her schedule. I let her know that that would preclude me having full time employment at a normal job. She just stuck to "that's what I want" and "that's what is fair." I think she just doesn't want to pay child support and I don't want a long, drawn out custody battle.

I'm so frustrated that she will not just talk about the issues. Instead she stays away or avoids.

I realize that that's her answer and I should listen to her. While she says in MC that she wants to work things out, her actions say the opposite.

If you want your life to change, you need to change yourself - you are not able to change her. IMO, the younger you are when you split, the easier it will be to build a new life. That means taking the initiative now.

The alternative is to remain at her mercy ... she can decide to D on her own.