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Well…here I am again and I can’t believe it. My "perfect husband" who had a mental health crisis for a summer but did a 180 and he has lost 30 lb and stopped drinking and is Superman…….who watched me devastated after 25 yrs of marriage, broken, and declaring his deep love and devotion swore he would never let this happen again……. Just returned from his business trip abroad……where he called me 3x a day, but I had a feeling. Found a private browser on his computer with 2 escorts site up and porn. I’m DEVASTATEd..my friend came and got me . Gave him an hour to get out of my house , my friend spent the night. Now I need to get smart. Fortunately I had a therapy appt scheduled 30 min after my discovery 9 yeah God!)

I have contacted ‘the’ Lawyer

I have a copy of our financials from when we did our will last year

I’m trying to be smart while being devastated

My young adult children do not know. 21 and 25…they live in other cities and I did not want this on them . They knew their dad had a mental health crisis and it affected our marriage. My son especially wasn’t buying it but I held fast. Now I need to tell him. I don’t know how much to share and we are close and he will be angry at me not telling him sooner :(

My daughter is a senior in college. She has long covid, adores her dad, is very sensitive and I’m worried for her.

Advice appreciated…..and what else do I need to be doing?

I really need help

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 1:43 PM, Saturday, February 15th]

If you are dealing with anxiety see a dr. You need good sleep, healthy food and going as LC as possible. Your h is addicted to a lifestyle he can’t seem to kick. Unless he gets the type of therapy this will be his life forever. And that would take years.
Your therapist might have some ideas on how to tell your kids. Because SA is a terrible addiction don’t be angry when you tell them. Just the facts. Their father is still their father.

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. There are other people here more qualified than me to give practical advice, but you’ve got your financial picture, you’ve got him out of the house, and you’ve contacted the lawyer.

I think Cooley2’s advice is good—be honest with your kids without sucking them into the emotional vortex and nitty gritty.

Do you have a sense of how your husband will respond? Do you think he’ll get reactive and try to fight you on everything?

Stay strong. You will be ok.

Now you need to split your energy between getting ducks in a row and taking care of yourself.
See your doctor— get the STD tests again b/c he has been fuck*ng around. Talk about anxiety and sleep with your doctor.
Get as much IC as you need and get exercise every day. It really helps all around.

Take a look at your finances and budget and see what D will look like. Friends can help if this is too much -
With your lawyer’s approval, start separating finances and protect your financial future.

Most of all remind yourself that he has to fix himself- you cannot do it and no amount of sacrificing yourself will help him do the work. It is time to save yourself.

As for your kids, I agree your IC can probably give you an idea, and I agree that TRUTH is the way to go. Your kids need to know that YOU will be honest with them. No details, just that your H has been a long time cheater and you can longer be in a marriage with him. Yes, it will hurt them, but that IS HIS DOING. Just one more thing he didn’t care enough about to stop cheating. Suggest they get IC to help them process it.

You are going to get through this. Do you see how your gut knew something was off and you trusted that? That is awesome. You are strong and smart and caring. You are going to get through this. Hang in there!

You'll be able to get some good advice from the lawyer. This isn't their first rodeo. Your county probably has a website with information about divorce & the process. In our county, it was under the Family Court area. They did a good rundown of what paperwork was necessary, how long it would take, etc. We each kept our car, agreed on the debts, and split the proceeds from selling the house.

Your kids are adults. What would you have told yourself when you were that age? You don't have to go into all of the gory details, but you can say that their father cheated and he's not changing to be a safe partner, and you are done. My oldest was 32 and said he couldn't believe I stayed in the M for so long.

Concentrate on practicing self-care. It does get better.

I’m so sorry for you. I understand the pain and devastation of dday2. BTDT!

You are a smart person and you have a path going forward. You have done everything possible to prepare for the possibility of this type of event. How sad it actually happened.

I think your children will understand and accept the Divorce. They will need your help to heal so please be prepared for that. Maybe professional counseling can help you with that and give you guidance on what to say to your children.

May you find some peace now that you are not waiting for the "next event" with your cheating H. His addiction to his choices ruined his life and I know you recognize he doesn’t want to change.

I’m so sorry you are back again. But I agree with the others in that it sounds like you are handling things as best as can be expected. Feeling devastated and taking control at the same time is an astounding feat. Take a moment to give yourself a hug and be proud of your resolve. You deserve it.

I'm so sorry you are having dday #2. My STBXH is also a SA/PA. You will slowly start to feel better, I promise you. Not having to live with an active addict will provide a newfound freedom for your soul.

H told our adult sons he is a sex addict on dday. I'm grateful he had the guts to do that. We have both tried to remain friends through the divorce process, but he still shows addict tendencies when he gets stressed. He goes back on things he agreed to, accuses me of lying, projects his own behavior and feelings onto me. Be prepared for potential retaliatory actions from your H.

Both H and I have offered to pay for therapy for our sons, if they ever feel that it would be beneficial to them. One day at a time for now. You are doing great.

Big huge ((((HUG))))

Thank you for the great response and I will offer that to mine as well. Right now is too soon to be friends with my ex. I’m devastates and angry. Maybe one day ….. in fact. I still love him 25 years 😢

SatyaMom, I recommend that you start posting in the Divorce forum where you'll get a lot of good advice from people who have been in your situation and can help you navigate the process. An important thing to keep in mind is that probably the majority of people in that forum who filed did so while still deeply in love with their cheating spouse.

As someone who followed your threads, in which you describe being anxious and depressed despite your husband "doing everything right," I'm sorry to say that I'm not in the least bit surprised as that you're having another Dday. I've avoided commenting on your past threads because I didn't want to come off as a cynical and bitter divorcee trying to rain on your parade. But now that the cat's out of the bag...

The first reason I believed you were in false R is that it's likely he has been cheating on you for far longer than you know. A hooker habit doesn't come out of nowhere and then just go away because he stopped drinking and started working out more.

Second, it seemed like your husband wasn't working on himself so much as mastering a role-- like he knew exactly what to say and do in order to convincingly portray the "perfect remorseful husband." Although it seems contradictory, waywards that have actually faced consequences for their actions and are doing "the work" are far from perfect because changing one's behavior and making sacrifices doesn't come naturally to someone who has lived selfishly their entire lives. The process of self-transformation is messy and painful.

Third, and most importantly, I think that you were just ignoring your gut instincts this entire time. I'm glad you listened to your gut on this occasion rather than taking his word for it.

I think the biggest challenge you are going to face going forward is just accepting the fact that your WH was never the person that you thought he was and avoid falling for his bullshit again. He is a master manipulator and you need to limit any interactions you have with him. If you go to him seeking answers as to why he did what he did, how could he do this again, etc, all you're going to get are more lies and false promises.

They knew their dad had a mental health crisis and it affected our marriage. My son especially wasn’t buying it but I held fast. Now I need to tell him. I don’t know how much to share and we are close and he will be angry at me not telling him sooner :(

Don't be surprised if your son knows a lot more than you think he does. It's entirely possible that he might know about your husband's cheating in the past or simply isn't wearing the same rose-colored glasses when it comes to his father as you and your daughter.

You don't need to give your kids all the gory details; just stick to the bare bones facts. Your kids are adults; they don't need to you to facilitate or manage their relationship with their father. If their relationship is damaged with him, it will be as a result of your WH's actions, not your honesty about them.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:19 PM, Tuesday, February 18th]

Satya - I’m so sorry to hear this has happened. You seem like a strong woman though and I believe you will come out of this and thrive.

BTB - not wanting to thread jack but just wanted to say how one of your points has really got me thinking.

Although it seems contradictory, waywards that have actually faced consequences for their actions and are doing "the work" are far from perfect because changing one's behavior and making sacrifices doesn't come naturally to someone who has lived selfishly their entire lives. The process of self-transformation is messy and painful.

I often get discouraged as even though my WH is doing the work sometimes it feels like it’s not enough or not exactly how I want it to be BUT he was a 41 year old man who never showed emotion his whole life and who had so much trouble communicating. He also never told the truth if he thought he would get ‘in trouble’ or not get his own way.
He is not going to fix that over night and he will stuff it up sometimes. So thank you for this 🙏

Thanks Webbit.

Talking helps
I’m devastated