SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Another awful day. He has confirmed that he has plans next Saturday for his birthday so can't see the kids. That was the night we had planned to go away together. Now I know he's with her. It's killing me.

Wrap your head around this:

The man, the life, you’re grieving never existed. Dreams, figments of your imagination.

Let it go.

So sorry for all the pain. It really sucks. Does it help to think he was abducted by aliens and had an implant put in his head and he is no longer the guy you married?

My WH walked out a couple days before my 50th birthday. I was CRUSHED. Absolute wreck.
But I got through it and you will too

Plan something fun to do with your kids. Make it a day about you all and NOT at all about him.

Hang in there.

Bad day today. He drove over an hour to meet her for a coffee. That must be their thing now. It hurts that he likes her enough to do this.

I’m sorry.

This doesn’t mean he likes her better. It’s an escape AND that is what he likes better. To live in his made up fantasy land.

He’s a hero and a catch there. He’s wonderful and perfect. You, my friend, are the annoying wife who refused to just let him live his lie.

For your own knowledge most affair relationships don’t last. How could they / they are based on lies. When things get down to normal every day life, one of them will cheat on the other because the relationship is no longer "fun". They will get bored. They know each other’s patterns so they have no trust.

Please continue to post here so we can support you.

Yeah, it might just mean he’s a chicken sh*t and rather than face the destruction he has wrought, he will pretend everything is fine and continue in lala land. Just a run of the mill coward.

Hang in there.

It's more than sex now though isn't it. They're dating, getting to know each other. She's already divorced with kids so she's probably thinking..ohh he's better than nothing. I'm afraid they'll last

I’m sorry you are being forced into such a bad situation. The pain of watching your spouse pretty much openly dare someone else is horrific.

I was in your shoes. For months my H kept telling me he wanted a D. I finally just had to accept it. Nothing I could do. But he lied and said it wasn’t because of the OW. He was just "unhappy" and I got the ILYBNILWY (I love you but not in love with you speech).

Nothing changed until the day I found out he was still cheating. In short order I told him to get out, I planned to D HIM and did the hard 180.

Then he was begging me to R.

For you, I hope you have a god counselor for yourself. It can help save your sanity. See a D lawyer to find out what the process is and how it works. Start the 180 — stop being his wife. Stop doing ANYTHING for him.

Maybe consider telling him to move out if he’s going to continue to cheat.

You don’t have to live like this.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:19 PM, Monday, February 17th]

Yes, it is more than the sex now.
It’s his DECISION. It’s his CHOICE. It’s what he’s going to do, no matter what YOU want.

The only thing left basically is YOU deciding what YOU want. Only... base that decision on what options are realistically open for you.
Like... he’s already shown you he wants to be with her. He’s already shown you he thinks the family money should be spent on wining and dining her.

Like 1stWife says:

Nothing changed until the day I found out he was still cheating. In short order I h the old him to get out, I planned to D HIM and did the hard 180.

If you want change you will need to cause that change. You might not be able to control the outcome per se. Like telling him that you want a divorce, making sure he can’t access family money and asking him to leave might not lead to the result 1stWife got, but it will eventually get you out of infidelity.
This will start getting better the moment YOU start getting out of infidelity – with or without him.

Researcher, So sorry you are going through this. In regards to your question of wondering why one minute you want him followed by the feeling you don't. I was very much in your shoes several years ago. One year ago I started IC and discovered rather quickly that I am/was very codependent. I felt like I couldn't live without my WW. Turns out I can. We are still together, and while I'm still partially stuck in ambivalence, my continued work on myself is building my self confidence to not settle for less than what will truly make me happy. Ask yourself a question,"do you really want to be with someone who disrespects you"? I know it hurts, but stay strong. You will be OK. Be there for your kids, and show them what a person of integrity and strong morals looks like. Focus on you and them. Sending you a virtual hug.

Thanks all for the recent replies.
He has moved out and I've filed got divovr the day after i caught him.
It's so confusion trying to work out what happened..why he thought it was OK to do what he did. The lengths he went to to hide and cover his tracks.

That's an indicator of his problems. He has issues but as mentioned above, he's trying to escape them rather than deal with them. You shouldn't have to wait around for him to figure out his issues. Some never do. You just need to focus on what will make you happy and move toward that goal.

You have given us some info on him but not enough to know. So I am going out on a limb here. I often consult with a very good therapist. A distant relative by marriage. I never ask for opinions about diagnosing but general info about behaviors. There is now a ton of evidence that ADHD is the gremlin behind lots of acting out behaviors. First, let me say, I have been diagnosed with it and it gave my parents the info to understand how my brain works. Btw, I have never cheated, or been tempted. However, when you have an adult who goes from one thing to another almost zooming through life you have the possibility of it. Because drinking numbs the brain, cheating revs up the brain you have the makings of a disaster. I believe the military calls it a cltrfk. Nothing works right for the busy brain of ADD/ADHD because it never slows down unless there is pot, alcohol or prescription meds. This might not anything to do with your ws. Just a thought.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:14 PM, Monday, February 17th]

Please save yourself the pain and anguish of trying to make sense of this.

You never will.

I asked my counselor at the time of my H’s affair if the "midlife crisis" is really a thing. He said it is but hits in 30s, 40s, etc. whenever the cheater decides to become a cheater and be selfish.

It is HARD to watch the person you have known for decades become someone become completely different in a short time frame.

That is what makes no sense.

The only way I can describe it is that the cheating spouse suddenly feels they are missing out now that a hot AP is in the picture. You know the one the cheater can create a fantasy with. The one who believes the lies. The one who believes the "poor me" Story that is concocted.

All in all cheaters cheat because they want to. They run away because they are cowards and possibly believe this fantasy they have created is the real deal.

Always be prepared for the possibility the cheater might come crawling back. Especially after "his schmoopie" ups and cheats on him and he’s devastated.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:12 AM, Tuesday, February 18th]

I think he has adhd and or asd for sure. Both my children have been diagnoses and apparnelty here's a strong genetic link.