SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wife had 3 affairs. After the last one I exploded yelled screamed. She wanted counseling to save marriage. I was so hurt and tired of it and demanded a divorce. We got one. I never did any counseling.

Now after 18 years it all came back. The hurt, the anger, all of it came crashing down on me.

Why so late to feel it all over again?

What’s happened in your life since the divorce?

I think, as we get older, we feel greater regret for the time we wasted.

Afterwards I went on a series of ons with 14 partners.
Since then nothing. No dates and no sex except the palm brothers.
Last thing I wanted was a relationship and still feel that way.

Sometimes we do not really fully work through the healing. Sure, we go on and function but find we really just buried all of that versus working through it and healing.

It is possible it is bubbling up to let you know it is time to heal. You deserve it.

I so understand. I had a traumatic even happened that waited 20 years to bubble up. I went to IC for it and was surprised how raw it all was after decades.

Trauma has a way of sticking around unless we deal with it. It may burrow deep inside, but like a virus it is there and can come back to life anytime. Or a splinter that has finally worked its way out and is now a bit infected.

Why not go to IC and see what is still there and what you can do to release it? It’s probably been a heavy burden you have been carrying even if you weren’t aware of it.

You deserve peace. It’s not too late.

I made an appointment. In Feb.
Thank you.

My reading is: 3 d-days, 3 traumas, 3 attempts to sweep the anger, grief, fear, shame, ? under the rug. AFter 18 years, the rug has frayed and the feelings are coming up.

You could view this as your first step in healing. I think you've made a good choice in setting up an appointment with, presumably, an IC. I hope the IC is great.

Keep in touch ... lots of people read posts, lots of people care, even if they don't respond.

You might find the following interesting: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/. I know you've known about the As for 18 years, but I suspect you have a lot in common with folks who recently found out about long-ago As. If you stick around and read some, I think you'll find a lot of folks who suppressed their feelings for 20 years. You're in good company.

Yes for IC. Thank you for your reply and I want to thank all who replied.

Drkatz

I found this site about 16-19 years after my d-day. I was behaving in my then (and present) marriage is some... well... strange ways that frankly my wife didn’t deserve. I had extreme lack of trust, scared, anxiety...

I’m a former cop, and in the years I was on the force I had some nasty experiences. Think bodies mutilated in accidents, suicides, drowned bodies... think being cut by a crazed-out speed-junkie... think a life-or-death struggle for 40 minutes with a coke-crazed steroid troll. I was certain that although this was all over a decade in my past, I was still carrying some issues related to these traumas. Like I couldn’t eat anything with cauliflower, because it is surprisingly like brain-matter.
I had the good sense to see a therapist. After a couple of sessions where I poured all my encounters on the table, and after a few simple test... I got the result: PTSD.
Some from the LEO incidents (like the cauliflower aversion), but the biggest issues were from my then-fiancé infidelity.
This is not the woman I met nearly three years later and am still married to.

The therapist managed to help me deal with my issues with a few simple sessions. Doesn’t work for everyone – but definitely me.

I realized one thing: I got rid of the woman that caused the pain. But I took me and the pain with me.

I strongly recommend you get some help. Some IC. A few session can probably do you immerse good, and allow you to realize that the behavior some might have shown you is not what everyone will show you.

My IC assessment is Feb 6.
Thank you for your help.