SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know, but having to live with the fact of no admission is making it hard.

You may never get that.

Be clear where YOUR boundaries lie.

Is she having an affair? Reads like it.

You can't control her, only your part of this.

I am extremely concerned for you, DazedandConfused. You already have more than ample warning that your house is on fire, not only in that your WW is in an affair, but also that the person she is in an affair with, is extremely dangerous to you and your family. You need to be PROTECTING your family from the Wicked Witch, the Evil shrew-Lady. So not only do you need to be protecting YOURSELF by filing for D, for your WW is actually ABUSIVE to you, but you need to be protecting yourself and your kids from this psycho your WW is in contact with.

Thanks all for your replies.
Trying to implement the 180.
So Thursday, after a few glasses of wine she got very very angry with me. Exploded seemingly out of nowhere. Lots of swearing. Again going on about how much I have let her down over the years, I wasn't there for her when she was going through x, y, z
Said twice to me 'in your next relationship' and said to me that I'm not being straight with her?!
She was like a different person, really really mad.
I said ok what do you want to do divorce? Reply was oh I bet that's what you want with a smirk. She isn't willing to do that as she will look like the bad person. I wish she would to put me out of my misery.

There will never been an admission.

I have his surname and work industry but after much googling nothing has come up yet.

It's so strained at home I am tempted to pack a bag, say that I know and you know. I won't tell anyone else. I am going away for the night and will be back tomorrow morning. In that time you can decide if you want to tell me the truth or not. I will leave it to you.
Not probably the best idea but feel like I'm going mad sitting around doing nothing.

What are the thoughts on PI? Is it legal?
I see one but looked too cheap? $200 for 7 hours work

Does anyone have any PI success stories?

Will make no difference for me in court as its no fault divorce

Sorry, that you are going through this. Her anger and lashing out is typical cheater behavior. It ends when you put an end to it. The mistreatment and disrespect is no way to live. Calmly and firmly set your boundaries. Don’t argue or engage, she will just lash out to hurt you. Always value yourself. You deserve a partner who is committed and loves you. Remember, you are the prize. Good luck.

Dazed: The guy on the phone could be someone that she owes money for drugs and or gambling. Look over your home and her car. Drugs can and does drastically change people. Watched it happen to my husband. The overnight away from your kids is too scary. Angry guy could show up and compromise their safety.

Her behavior is textbook.

She needs to "rewrite" your marriage to make you the villain to justify what she’s doing.

Read those books.

A PI will work. It’s bread-and-butter for them. They’ll need enough of a heads-up of her going out to get into gear.

Dazed

First – even before going much further past this first paragraph: Do a quick google-search and see if infidelity in any way might impact a divorce. Chances are it won’t. It can impact in maybe 3-4 states in the US, but few (if any European) countries. I think you will quickly see that the following might apply to you:

One big mistake or misunderstanding I see so often here on SI is where we – the betrayed spouse – think we need to prove to our cheating spouse that they are having an affair.
It’s like they think they aren’t cheating until we can pull out some glossy pictures of them in the act, and because we can’t prove it then it isn’t happening.

Another common mistake is thinking this is like Matlock or some TV show where you need clean, legally admissible proof. Where you need to be able to prove that there was no meddling with the semen-stained panties from when she dropped them in the laundry until the certified laboratory published their results. That we need the same level of conviction and reliability as in criminal-court, and that reasonable doubt has a very wide berth. Of course – if infidelity does impact D in your neck of the woods you will need legally admissible proof, and that is where an attorney will guide you better than some anonymous dudes on the internet.

Keep this in mind. There is only ONE person that needs to be convinced, and that is YOU.
Look – a prosecutor can’t build his case on that a known thief was caught on CCD walking into a store empty-handed and then out ten minutes later with a big backpack that looked full, even if what was missing would fill said backpack.
You – on the other hand – are allowed to assume infidelity if your wife says she’s working late and then comes home after midnight in that sleek cocktail-dress, takes a shower and still smells of booze and after-shave. You only need to convince a jury of ONE – YOU.

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A lot of what you describe could be attributed to issues in the marriage. I personally think infidelity is such a terrible experience that I tend to NOT want more members on this site. I see a lot of red flags and smoking guns, but I think you still need a bit more...
I also think your wife isn’t really showing the level of deceit or even awareness that you suspect to make getting that "a bit more" too difficult. Like talking to potential OM on the phone at your home with others nearby... That does not sound like someone that suspects you suspect her...
Use that to your advantage.
Infidelity requires communications, and people tend to communicate where they feel safe and secure. Once you crack that – where does your wife feel safe to talk to potential OM – is when you place a voice-activated recorder.
Very often this is the drive to and from work. This might be the bathroom at home. This might be the bedroom while you and the kids are in the living-area.
These VAR’s come dirt-cheap, and you can even use a smartphone with the correct app.
Just remember a couple of things:
Acquaint yourself with the functionality: Some beep when they start recording, some have a green or red light, some burn through batteries...
This is ONLY FOR YOU. If you hear her call someone and talk about how great yesterday’s sex was... you don’t have to play it back to her to "prove" she’s cheating. YOU KNOW.
Be careful about the context of what you hear. Like she could be calling her mom and describe yesterdays Zumba class, and to your one-sided, infidelity-biased POV it could sound like she’s telling OM how great last night was.
Do your best to be the correct level of reasonable and logical.

So very sorry to hear what you're going through. There has been a ton of great advice in the previous posts, and this community will be a source of knowledge and strength for you, so I'm glad you're here (even though no one is glad to be here).

Just one add. You mentioned in a prior post about the idea of leaving the house for a night to give her a chance to decide whether she wants to remain married. I'm not an attorney, but I'd think twice about leaving the house. When I recently had DD#2 and decided to divorce my WH, my attorney felt it was important for me to stay in the house to help support the fact pattern that I've always lived in this house, I've always been in the marriage, etc. and he is the one who exited the marriage, through his affairs and by literally leaving the house. Maybe one night isn't a big deal, and like I said, I have zero legal training, but I suspect you might be better off finding a way to set the strong boundary and call the question with her, without you leaving your home.

Hi all,

Thanks for all your replies.
It's been a rough few days.
This weekend she has been quite cold towards me, very distant. A lot of texting on the phone. Quite angry a few times at me and the children.
We met for lunch today, she had a stressful morning at work. Cuddling into me at lunch, talking about the future. After lunch she got teary, cuddling me and said that she was overwhelmed with work and hormones as it's time of the month. Said that she feels comforted by me.
I's made me feel 10 time worse seeing her vulnerable like that.
Is it guilt/confusion?
Another couple of red flags over the weekend - she apparently met a friend in June to give a bday present, this person's bday was 4 months before.
I found her Xmas cards from me and the kids unopened - feeling guilty?
The kicker is that after her call with strange man in a dark room, she still has not brought this up again. As said previously he was quite pushy, maybe giving her an ultimatum. Not mentioned again, not even to try and reassure me.
I am just lost as to what to do next.
I can't carry on like this.
I feel that the only way is to confront again, when she is in a safe/vulnerable mood as she was earlier. Hopefully the guilt will be too much and she will come clean? On the other hand I have confronted three times and been met with anger, denial, blame and deflection.

Any thoughts?

I'm sorry brother but these are all the signs which I chose to ignore last year, they came back to haunt me this month and my fears came true.
She's hiding something, it could be an affair, but trust is a massive issue here.

I only found out through an anonymous letter coming through my door. Then everything made sense.

If it helps my stbxw swore there was no one else involved last year. Turns out that was a lie too.

Find your proof first as they won't always admit to being caught. Maybe they want to get caught? Maybe they want to cause you enough doubt so you leave without proof? It will never be their fault in their mind.

I don’t think you’re going to get a confession without hard proof. You really need to hide a VAR under the seat of her car. Or hire a PI. The PI would be my first go to unless there just isn’t any money to do it.

I had good success with a PI. Worth every penny. Read some of my blog posts it may be helpful. You are in for a wild ride, but full proof might finally break this Unreality she is living in and give some chance for a reconciliation. It will cost you more than you may be willing to pay, and I don’t mean monetarily, still I sense some hope for you in this approach. Sunlight can be a powerful disinfectant, but the poison can run very deep.

[This message edited by JimBetrayed62 at 6:49 PM, Monday, January 27th]