SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You did very well!
Your emotions are probably all over the place right now. Therefore, you don’t need to decide or know for sure if you want to D. I would demand certain things from your ww that might help you should you decide to R. You want to be prepared for plan A, B, and C.

1 STD test
2 NO Contact letter to AP & remove and block his contact
3 full timeline of the affair
4 give you full access to all her electronic devices
5 move out if you request it

Also note that just because she is crying doesn’t necessarily mean she is truly remorseful. It can be tears of regret for having gotten caught, self pity for now having to let go of the AP, etc. Most waywards do not have the ability or the willingness to cut their AP off following Dday. Many go back to them in secret, waffle between AP and the spouse, while swearing they have ended all contact with the AP. So please be aware of this possibility.

If the AP is married, please consider informing his wife.

Great job keeping your composure during the confrontation. To this:

If I think I’m going to D, what’s the point of setting up all those hoops for her to jump through?

I say, exactly. Its what I wish I had done and deeply regret not doing so. I wasted a decade of my life mired in that mess but was a young husband and father with young children. Should have D'd anyway.

Clarity to you in the days ahead.

ETA: If her f buddy is married or in a relationship, please contact the other betrayed spouse/gf asap and let them know. Get yourself std tested at the earliest, especially now that you know there were no condoms used. Unbelievable.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 7:12 PM, Saturday, March 2nd]

I say, exactly. Its what I wish I had done and deeply regret not doing so. I wasted a decade of my life mired in that mess but was a young husband and father with young children. Should have D'd anyway.

Clarity to you in the days ahead.

Esto mismo

JustCrushed,

Tip of the cap to you my friend, You handled the confrontation about as well as anyone could have! It took 3 D-days and a family tragedy for my fWW to come clean fully. Some thoughts

I just kept thinking over and over again, how in the fuck did I get here?

YOU did not get here. SHE got both of you to this sorry pass. The affair has nothing to do with you nor does it reflect any errors or inadequacies on your part. Choosing to look for a sidepiece fvckbuddy and having regular liaisons with him is entirely driven by a character flaw in your WW.

I asked if they had used condoms. She turned absolutely white and just sat there. I finally said it’s simple god damn question. Did you? She started sobbing uncontrollably and of course the answer was no.

You MUST get a full panel STI test done for yourself. Secondly, your WW must get one done for herself ASAP. This is non-negotiable, regardless of whether you choose to D or not.

No reason for a timeline unless you want to R. Otherwise it's just going to cause even more pain, unnecessarily.

If there is the slightest chance of R, I’d ask for a timeline. Maybe you have a friend that would be willing to hold onto it for you? If you decide to D, burn it.

From your initial post, you pretty well know what happened. I don't see the need for a timeline. What you might like to know is if this is her first rodeo. Given the length of your marriage, her ability to act as if nothing is wrong with the marriage while carrying on a heated affair for months, and opportunities through work to travel, I would bet dollars to donuts she is a serial cheater. Confirming this likely behavior would help you seal the deal on what to do.

So far you have demonstrated an ability to handle this correctly while navigating the emotional roller coaster of it all. Your whole world has been turned upside down. You have been betrayed by the one person who vowed before God and man that they would not betray you. By the one person you love the most. It is heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.

Keep going to the gym. Focus on you and your health, both physical and mental health. Do you have any close friends or family to confide in? It is a sucker punch to the face every time she lied to you and went to him and let him do whatever he wanted to her. And then she came home to you acting like nothing was going on. Wow.

I had the same thing happen to me. My wife was going out of her way to fuck another man. Then come home and make dinner. Don't do what I did. The pick me dance. I wish I had handled it how you have so far. She needs to know how much this has crushed you and that it's all her fault by the choices she has made and that it has absolutely nothing to do with any marital problems. Plenty of people have marriage issues and don't go lie and cheat.

Also you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to have any chance at saving it, if that is even possible. She has to know you are dead serious and willing and ready to leave and divorce and never come back as a result of all that she has done to you. Reconciliation should not even be a gift that you are considering on the table right now. She has shown you the opposite of what a good wife is. She was coming home to you on a flight and then how long until she had another man pounding away on her naked body while she lied to you about where she was? If you had not checked her phone how long would this continue to go on? A year? More? Good thing you caught her, huh? Now she is so sorry.

Anyway, search on this site for a member named "spaceghost0007" under the member section. Read his story. Then read it again. I wish I had handled it like he did. Maintain your pride and dignity. You are the prize. Our wives gave away to some dirtball what was rightfully and exclusively and intimately ours and ours alone. After all you have done raising her girls and loving her, some other guy she just happens to meet gets all the goodies for doing nothing. And she could have stopped it herself at any time. But she didn't want to stop. She liked it and enjoyed it. So she kept going back to him once and twice a week for more fucking. That is the height of disrespect for you as her husband. I could never look at my wife the same ever again or trust her ever again.

Take whatever time you need to make good decisions. Try to keep your emotions in check. Don't say or do things that you will regret later. Maintain your dignity and self-respect. Make it clear that you are not going to be swayed by empty promises and love-bombing and hysterical-bonding and endless apologies just because you caught her. If you had not caught her would any of those things be coming your way? Work on healing yourself. Work out. Eat healthy. Get mad. Get ripped. Find out if the affair partner has a girlfriend or wife and then be sure to tell them what has been going on. Lean on us old veterans here to help you through it. And you will get through it. There is life on the other side of this shit sandwich she has forced you to eat.

For those who say if your decision is D, then don’t ask her for a thing, I would ask OP to think about this:

1. A written timeline could prove useful if she decides at some future point to vilify you (it happens!)

2. A post-nuptial (handled by attorneys) could *possibly* improve the terms you get with the D. Have the post-nup written that favors you for *any* decision of D - not merely she gets busted again. Have a lawyer tell you whether or not this is possible - not us in the peanut gallery.

And yes, you need STD panels done, stat.

I would wait a bit before you push yourself to make a decision to D or R. It's fine to be leaning toward D but a final decision probably shouldn't be made this soon after experiencing trauma. That doesn't mean you can't start with steps toward D if that is where your heart is leading you as D takes quite some time in most areas.

If you are leaning that way strongly, then there is no need to request a lot from her. You can see how she copes on her own and if she takes initiative to work on herself, you and the marriage or to rugsweep. Her initial reaction was positive if you were going to consider offering R so if you start to feel like R is possible, then remember that it is a two person effort and you would need to communicate your needs and offer feedback to her on that path. Sometimes we forget that a remorseful WS becomes devastated too and does not get everything right in R without guidance from the BS.

I echo what Trdd says. Wait until you are a little clearer before making decisions. I would keep going down the divorce path until you change your mind. I’m sorry this happened to you. Use us as much or as little as you need. Good luck with the next few days and weeks. They are hard.

I just want to say thanks to all for taking the time to offer me some guidance. Your posts and reading on this site have helped me more than you can know. I only have one friend that I’m close enough with to share what’s happened and he’s out of the country for another two weks.

Yesterday was just a difficult day. The intensity of Friday night had dissipated and I just seemed to vacillate between sadness and anger. There were a couple of interactions where even though I told myself I wouldn’t, I made some pretty shitty remarks. When we talked in the morning, she reminded me that we had dinner plans with her parents that night to celebrate their 50th. When I told her I wasn’t going, she was visibly upset. She asked what was she supposed to tell them. I said tell them what ever you want. They’re like I used to be They’ll believe anything you say. The look on her face said it all.

Later in the day we sat down and I was asking more and more questions. At some point, shea asked if there was even a chance I could get past this and build a new marriage. While there were a lot of hurtful things, she had said in the text exchanges, there were two that were just crushing. The first was early on where she had told him that he was so much bigger, harder and longer lasting than me and that she loved it. As hard as that was to read, the one several months ago on our anniversary was just overwhelming. We had taken the day off and took a long walk on the beach. We talked about our life and marriage and how lucky we were to have found each other. And, now that we were partial empty nesters, what all the possibilities were. We had a wonderful evening with incredible sex that night. As I laid there with her, I remember thinking that all the abuse, all the pain, all the years of longing for someone to just care about me was worth it if this is where I ended up. I drifted off to sleep feeling like I was the luckiest guy in the world. According to the time stamp, shortly after I went to sleep, she had the following text exchange with her AP.

AP - I hope you didn’t fuck him tonight
WW – Sorry, I had to. If I didn’t, he might have figured something was up
AP - I know, but I still don’t like it
WW – If it makes you feel any better, I pretended he was you the whole time.
AP – That’s my girl

I had printed both these exchanges out, gave them to her and told her to read them out loud. She was just sobbing and could barely get through them. She just kept saying over and over again she hadn’t meant any of it. She was just telling him what she thought he wanted to hear. She literally begged me to believe her. I just asked her how I was supposed to believe anything she said after she’d lied to me for five months. I then asked her what alternate universe she was living in and walked away. Not my finest moment.

Late last night, I couldn’t sleep and just kept replaying the conversations in my head. Could she have been telling the truth about the texts? I’ve been in enough locker rooms and read enough to know that I’m probably in the top 10% in both length and girth and my stamina is never an issue. I really don’t think he would have been much bigger than me if at all. So, if she was telling the truth about that, could she be telling the truth on the other exchange? I don’t even know what to do with this. Even if she didn’t mean it, it still hurts. I don't know how I could ever be vulnerable with her again.

I feel a little better this morning. I’ve read a lot here about the roller-coaster, and boy am I on one. I hope I’m not posting too much. I’ll check back in later

JC, absolutely nothing you said was wrong or even extreme. They were almost polite.

She was just telling him what she thought he wanted to hear.

Pay attention to that. She's telling you she will lie to people to get the outcome she wants. That includes you.

Many bh have an issue with the sex, and the sexual thinhs said in texts. It seems to haunt them for years.

You're going to get a lot of members telling you it's possible to reconcile. And, it is. It takes years. And,even then, it's never the same.

Just know, divorce is a very valid response to a betrayal of this magnitude.

She's sorry she was caught. She wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:14 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

She's going to lie to her parents,and make an excuse for your absence.

If it were me, I'd call them and tell them exactly why you won't be there.

After all..if she's sorry..and if she wants to attempt reconciliation, she needs to start getting real honest, real fast. No more lies.

JC,

AP - I hope you didn’t fuck him tonight

WW – Sorry, I had to. If I didn’t, he might have figured something was up

AP - I know, but I still don’t like it

WW – If it makes you feel any better, I pretended he was you the whole time.

AP – That’s my girl

This, on your special anniversary night? The cruelty is worse than the betrayal. There are BS on this site who have reconciled after worse such discoveries but this one would be hard for me to swallow if it were my spouse.

[This message edited by Ragn3rK1n at 5:03 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

Another 2 cents from me…. or maybe a bit more.

When I discovered my WW and the OM’s text exchanges, I wasn’t able to do what you did., copy them. However the few that I was able to read before my brain imploded, are forever seared in my memory.

When I confronted my WW about the sexual things they said they wanted to do with/to each other, she played the same card as your WW… "I didn’t mean it… it was to play into his fantasy… blah, blah…"

I called BS on that and told her no one does that unless there is some truth in it , and a part of them that wants it too.

Her reaction (no attempt to push-back) basically told me I was right.

And as others have pointed out this just shows she’s willing to lie to get what she wants.

FWIW we are trying to reconcile… about 2.5 years after the last bit of TT. But it’s f—king tough. She did the obvious stuff… NC, new phone number, electronic transparency… but refuses counseling for herself of any kind (IC or MC). Actually we tried MC right at the beginning, but as almost everyone says, that’s a mistake. They need to try and sort their crap first. It did hold her feet to the fire a bit though, but in the end, we dropped it.

She still struggles to read things I ask her to. And while she has done a lot to re-engage emotionally, she still struggles with intimacy. So for me I’m in this R mostly because we have teenage kids and a D would blow us up financially at the moment. My youngest will be in college in 4 years, so that’s my outside limit as to how long I will endure this "existence". However, if our financial situation improves in that period while there is not enough improvement on her part, I reserve the right to pull the D trigger earlier.

I recognize most folks here would say I’m staying for the wrong reasons and I accept they’re right, but it’s the choice I have made.

I’m in no way trying to hijack your thread to make this about me, but just want you to have more context.

If I were living in your financial and kid context, but with "just the EA" I discovered, I wouldn’t hesitate to D. Your discovery is so much more devastating, I couldn’t imagine coming back from it. So sorry.

[This message edited by dontlookbackinanger at 5:46 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

So much to say here but I’m sorry don’t have a lot of time at the moment.

The one thing I would communicate with her is not to minimize what she has done. Yes she needs to accept that you are most likely divorcing, what she has done is so anti marriage it’s nearly impossible to imagine sustaining a relationship out of it.

But tell her she has to stop any playing down what she has done. No she didn’t love you during this. No she didn’t "not mean" what she said to him. She did it. She needs to accept that she did and "woman up" that she treated your marriage and your heart as collateral damage to what she wanted.

That would be the very first thing I would tell her.

Did she go to dinner with her parents? What did she tell them? A woman in her position that truly wants to salvage and rebuild would start by completely being honest with anyone you are comfortable with her telling. If she didn’t confess the truth to them it tells me she’s still minimizing and is more interested in covering her own tracks than showing you that she’s all in with whatever you need to heal.

More later ….

You are doing a good job. Don’t fall into her manipulation and second guess your reactions. You anger is justified. If you don’t nip this in the bud and try to R, chances are she will cheat again. Irrespective of the outcome, make sure this is tackled well. Take care

ALL WSES lie to get what they want. At this point you don't know what she truly believes, and she might not, either.

The very fact that you are wondering whether she lied in the texts or to you indicates - IMO- that you're not set on D and that you may want to R.

If that's the case, now is the time to test her to challenger both her and yourself around R. If she passes, R is possible. If she doesn't, D is probably better for you.

IOW, ask her questions and note her answers. Consistent answers is positive for R; inconsistent answers are positive for D.

Ask for a timeline. A quick complete TL is + for R. A delayed and/or shoddy job is + for D.

Us the TL to ask more questions. Recalibrate your ability to read her non-verbal communications. Congruent words and non-verbals are + for honesty; incongruent verbals and non-verbals are + for D.

Look inside as you receive comms from her. Figure out what you want, even if you think it's unobtainable. Use her comms to help surface your wants & don't-wants. Memories of good times are + for wanting R. Continued disgust is + for D.

Yes, this takes time. Yes, you run the risk of misinterpreting her responses - and that's why I recommend testing again and again until you have confidence you figure out what you want.

You want an optimal decision, and that may not be a quick one. You're making decisions that will potentially affect several decades of your life. That sort of decision is worth some time and effort.

So far, everything you've told us about your thoughts and feelings is normal. You've also told us that you have the maturity to make objective decisions. That is, you know you're in a lot of pain. You also know you want to do what's best for you. That's all + for your healing.

I found the first few chapters of Gottman's and Silver's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work very useful in helping me figure out where I was going, and I recommend reading them. The book may be available at your local library.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:59 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]