SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are just 4 months post DD. (my husband was sleeping with escorts- 3x this summer) I was completely shocked. 25 year very happy marriage....blindsided.

After initial shock, I resorted to I love him- something is wrong, he is suffering from trauma and depression, so I have been committed to working on things. Both in IC and MC. He had done everything right ( full disclosure, immediate IC, joined online groups for WS, exercising, taking care of himself, zero alcohol ( he was def. a party boy) and taking care of me....

But I feel so angry. Im triggered by EVERYTHING- just relaxing and watching tv on same couch we were doing the same this summer while he was sneaking off for his dates. Looking back, we were still spending time together - walking, talking, dates etc.....so now I feel just so betrayed and pissed. I put my family on a pedistool and this is what I get? I understand healing takes time, but this is a huge load to carry- and Im drowning in it. I am so angry that he has jeopardized our family.....and my mental health. I was happy and content with life.....now Im so miserable and can't seem to move forward. UGH

I’m sorry you going through this, sadly it is the normal progression towards healing. After the shock comes the anger phase, let it play out (safely) because this is where I found clarity and that was the stepping stone towards healing.

During my anger phase we would be enjoying something together and for a split second I would forget about her infidelity, it would trigger my lizard brain and immediately have me thinking "how could you?"

It really sucks but it’s part of it and if you work through the triggers they will get easier. At 18 months I started working on letting go of the anger, it was no longer serving a purpose.

I wish you the best

I am 22 months from d day and still cycle through intense anger. We also had generally a happy marriage. Went on dates, had sex regularly. It is shocking. Just a couple months ago I was considering separation because I could not get a handle on my anger and intense feelings. I think I’ve turned the corner but it’s hard to know. At four months I was still in shock and just wanted to go back to how things were. I just took breaks from my WH when I felt really intense anger. He’s been remorseful and doing all the right things. But it doesn’t take away the fact that our spouses have wronged us in a profound way. Take care of yourself. That is really the best advice given on this site. It takes a toll on your body.

I’m sorry you’re going through this , I am right there with you. H had an affair all summer and we are 3 months post DD. I wish I could say that i was getting any better with my triggers and anger but Im not. I don’t even get any satisfaction from it anymore because he is so remorseful, cries and doesn’t defend a dang thing so then after my outbursts I’m left feeling worse than I did before. I also thought my marriage and life was perfect. The only things I can recommend during this time is give yourself space and time. I’ve found that really focusing on my needs and my health (mental and physical) has helped a little. Like you, watching tv on the couch is hard because it’s a temporary escape from what he did but then I reach a limit and I have to retreat to the bedroom to be alone and he completely understands and almost expects it now. Nothing in particular makes me triggered it’s just being by him, he’s my trigger. I go on a lot of dinner dates with friends and spend most of my free time at the gym. He hadn’t asked to go anywhere and prioritizes my needs right now and I’m hoping as I can heal we can eventually heal together. I really thought he should be responsible for my healing because he did this but I’ve found nothing he says helps. I have to heal on my own with his help carving the way to focus on myself. The pain is a must when it comes to healing and it sucks so bad.
I hope you find a way to work through it the best you can. It isn’t easy.

I understand the anger phase. It’s a hard thing to overcome.

Here are a few things that helped me:

My H didn’t cheat on me b/c of me.

My H didn’t cheat to hurt me (at least not that I know of).

My H didn’t cheat because our marriage was not good.

My H cheated b/c he gave himself permission to cheat. He justified WHY he was entitled to cheat. He put himself first before thinking of anything or anyone else.

I still get angry once in a blue moon not b/c of the affair, but b/c he planned to D me. With me being the last to know. But I have to remind myself he’s not that selfish jerk he was during his affair.

The anger will subside — but it does take time. I know that doesn’t help you now. But you will look back one day and see how much you have healed. And survived the anger phase too.

Hi SatyaMom, I'm sorry you're struggling.

You didn't ask for advice, so I just want to reassure you that "the anger stage" is perfectly normal and you're hitting it right on schedule. I wrote this a while ago, on another poster's thread "Dealing with anger - how?" which I will bump for you in case you're interested in reading other posters' thoughts on the subject.

I think the anger stage is totally normal. Some people experience it differently. For me, it hit around 4-5 months post-D-day as I was starting to get my footing back, and starting to believe that R was a real possibility. I was really starting to process it all and it came in waves of white, hot, rage. It felt incandescent at times.

I actually didn't mind the anger. I was tired of feeling sad and vulnerable and hurt. The anger felt productive, it felt POWERFUL. It gave me a sense of control. It got me out of bed and out the door to the gym or the yoga studio or out for a walk. It allowed me to focus on taking care of me, my husband be damned. One evening, after thinking about 'opening up' our kitchen for years, I literally took a crowbar to the wall one night and knocked it down. Haha, the thought of my husband, who was already walking on eggshells, coming home and seeing a pile of lathe and plaster all over the place still makes me smile.

I think a part of me also wanted to test whether my husband was REALLY all in. Like, sure, you SAY you are willing to do ANYTHING to make this work but are you really? Are you prepared for this?

oh my gosh this helps so much....thank you all for your thoughtful comments......Im so glad to know Im not alone

today in therapy I brought up how my WS was always the "frat boy" drinking too much at business functions, at times embarassing me and quite honestly a side I despised. So I stopped going to corporate events, concerts, etc with him.. its like he had two worlds. and now at 25 years of marriage I find out he sure can have two worlds as it escalated this summer! I said I felt he thought about himself first most of the time....and not about us. My counselor interrupted me and said that this is something he DID but not who he is, and Im just not sure about that. I think hes always had a sneaky side- communications and things I dont know about ( shopping etc.) I felt like he denied that today- which left me angry. I feel like MC wasnt hearing me.....and WS was denying....a

I think that MC can be like that. Some good advice on what counseling can help with but I think so few marriage counselors actually hold the WS to the fire. I told my WH I will not do marriage counseling again. Our marriage was not the problem, he was. With reflection he has agreed. My WH was drinking too much at the time of his A also and he also was deceptive and a flat out liar. And no I don’t prescribe to that notion that our behavior is not who we "are". Of course we can make bad decisions and not be bad people but truly what makes us who we are aside from our actions and how we live our life? one bad mistake does not make us awful irredeemable people. But that is who that person is at that time of their life. Can they redeem themselves, of course. But let’s not sugar coat it and say that’s not who they are. My WH has completely agreed he was a selfish asshole for all the years he was cheating on me. And that’s exactly who he was.

Oh wow, that is why MC during this kind of trauma can so easily become its own trauma!! Ohhhh that would have hacked me off, hearing that remark. Basically the MC is giving your WH tacit permission not to dig deeper into his character, so now he may feel reinforced that he's 'not that messed up.' Sounds like he has a drinking problem, as well.

MC after betrayal reminds me of a real estate agent who agrees to list your house but wants to represent both you and the buyer. In my state, one has to sign a document saying you are fine with that since it can become an ethical violation of the agent's duty to represent you. We went through listing our house and we signed dual representation, trusting our so-enthusiastic, go-getter young agent, because we trusted her. Well, after a few weeks showing our house, and us having rejected 2 unreasonable offers, she tried telling me how our house "has issues," so she could work on us to drop our price for her next eager buyer!

What I'm saying is, similar to dual representation real estate agents, MCs work for 2 parties: the 2 individuals in the marriage. They feel like they don't want to "take sides." Sometimes a side needs to be taken! I am so sorry. What are you feeling like doing next?

T/J sorta re: your MC not hearing you…

My partner and I of 2+ years are doing counseling for a few minor (ish) reasons completely unrelated to infidelity.

I’ve done IC over the years with varying degrees of success. Never really did MC with my xh.

I think we are at week 7? At about week 4 I almost lost it completely with feeling unheard, invalidated, and like I was just expected to sit quietly while they LITERALLY talked about me for 20+ minutes about what I might want, need, feel, should do differently, etc. etc.

Having been here so long I’ve read many horror stories of seemingly one sided therapists, enabling behaviors, blame the BS, etc. so I felt semi prepared……..just in case. Ya know?

I checked both of them hard. Professionally but hard. I think it took the MC back a bit.

You deserve to be heard. You deserve to disagree. You deserve to call either/ both out on crap.

I’m so sorry you are here.

Hi Tanner,

If I may ask, in terms of letting go the anger, how did you process and/or what did you do to let go of the anger?

Superesse
I feel like taking a nap. I’m really annoyed. I do feel he needs to look deeper at this …. But I think he’s doing so much work that he is getting tired of me accusing him of not having the same values —- I’ve said this our entire marriage :(

Gently, if you don't have the same values as this man, why do you stay married to him. Shared values seems like kind of a core compatibility thing.

Because its a small part of him....not all of him, hard to explain butit's like he has a two worlds 90% our family 10 % the party boy....which he does when Im not around.

The words you want in a spouse are like "Integrity" Derivative of "Integral" Root word "Integer" = ONE.
Not TWO. This is how my SAWH has operated for years and years. It represents a fundamental splitting and is not a simple issue to address.

It is all very fresh for you right now, and I understand the need to want it all to vanish for the sake of what he "usually" has to offer. But he will never be safe with a significant part of his personality hanging out with very different values than he claims to hold on to "for the most part." Talk is very cheap in that respect.

With my SAWH, I found it interesting to do some family of origin work with him, to see where he acquired his mixed bag of values. On D-Day 2, when my SAWH was arrested for soliciting a prostitute right here in our home town 12 years after he'd done it on a business trip and sent me the bill, he called home to his parents in their country to tell them he might be facing US jail sentencing of 6 months to a year. I will NEVER FORGET how his mother chimed in with "Well, of course you're not SUPPOSED to cheat..." and how his father blustered that it was no big deal. He exclaimed "The back page of our local newspaper has 20 advertisements for escort services every week!" (I noticed that he'd counted!) In their country, it's totally legal and was one of the first countries in the world to legalize such sordid behavior. So I saw how my SAWH grew up learning 2 standards: what he was "told" was honorable, versus what he "saw" and I think his Daddy "did" - though he denied knowing anything about that.

It may be worth your WH exploring one of these days. I can recall how they do go through exhaustion when they start facing their garbage. I had a lot of empathy for that after D-Day 1, so much so that I bought him 15 books to read and I went to school to take courses in abnormal psychology, and got a degree out of it!! Overfunctioning much? You bet I was. By D-Day 2, however, I was OVER trying to psycho-analyze his sickness. You really don't want to go so far as I did, and for so long! Take that nap but be strong.

Hi younger brother also saw prostitutes and sadly commited suicide at 35 yo :(. We are talking about this and he realizes the "norm" in his family was not a healthy "norm" and there is trauma. He is in IC working on that and realizes it.

He came to me last night to check in and said he felt the session hadnt gone well...I wasnt really clearly expressing myself and he is aware he has work to do and is doing it. He validated my feelings

I also talked to my best friend last night- she made a great observation. I am a strong personality, which is what is keeping me going right now, but I can be rigid at times. Mentally rigid. I see tht.....do we need to dig up everytime he has disappointed me and chosen himself, while he now realizes it and is working so hard to heal. Thats the question..

Rationalizing a WS's behavior as "something they did" and is "it's not who they are" is patently false. I have found the excuses others make for the WS are only limited to the imagination of the BS, IC, CC, MC etc etc etc.

Cheaters cheat. Cheaters lie. It's what they do. First, they must overcome the obstacle that cheating is wrong and believe it's okay to cheat. Then, they start thinking about it, looking and searching for the opportunity. Eventually, they actively engage in the act of betrayal.

I live by this. I taught my children this...

My life is defined by the CHOICES I make. I become what I BELIEVE, THINK, and DO each day.

[This message edited by Apollos at 5:46 PM, Sunday, January 21st]

Plenty of couples stay together successfully and build a new relationship. I’m not buying "once a cheater always a cheater ". We are here to learn and grow , people are fallible … it’s not ok but I don’t believe in putting people in a prison. 🤷‍♀️. Even if wh and I do t make it - I will always love him and as the father of my children pray for his healing

I’m not buying "once a cheater always a cheater ". We are here to learn and grow , people are fallible …

It depends on the context that people want to put that in. I am perfectly okay with that moniker when used in the context that describes the person's entire life. Yes, they cheated; no, they don't always have to cheat throughout their life; yes, it is exactly who they were at that time.

My father was a recovering alcoholic. "Once an alcoholic, always and alcoholic" is the saying. But let's also take into account that his sobriety date was in 1955, and he was the greatest man, in his words and actions, that I have ever met in my life. He didn't try to downplay his role in drinking; as a matter of fact, he often described how he used that experience to learn and better himself. He didn't downplay and hide in shame....he grew from it.

So yes, IMHO, "once a cheater, always a cheater" can be used, with positive results. It doesn't always work out that way, but many times it does.