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6 years ago my H went to a golf tournament, and a bar afterward. Where he met someone and stayed overnight in a hotel with her.
I found out, was devastated, years of pain, flashbacks and therapy. I am now finally comfortable with him going out of town to golf. But he started going back to the bar afterwards. He said its been long enough. I am devastated. It is bringing back every memory of that night. I said a restaurant is fine, but he said he will be going back to the bar. He doesn’t understand why this is an issue for me. Believe me, I have explained it. He keeps saying it’s ridiculous. I do not want this to happen but I can’t stop him. Any advice?

I don’t think you are asking too much. It seems like he thinks it should be in the past and he should be free to do what he likes. Aka ‘you should be over this by now’.

What work has he done on becoming safe as a partner? Are you still having individual counselling?

What is he normally like? As this seems to suggest he is selfish and more interested in his wants and convenience than you’re upset and the pain he has caused you.

You cannot stop him going but you can decide that he isn’t a good enough husband for you.

I have told my husband I don’t want a mediocre or a just the bare minimum husband. I’ve also said he has proven that his words are meaningless, it’s his actions I am watching.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 9:59 AM, Tuesday, January 9th]

Thank you for your reply.
He doesn’t believe in therapy. I stopped once I felt that I was in a good place. He is an avid golfer so I worked very hard to not worry when he goes out of town to golf, but going back to bars afterwards for 2/3 hours is too much for me. I let him know it reminds me of that night and his response was "you are choosing to remember". He makes it my burden to not remember that he met someone at a bar. That really doesn’t seem right.

his response was "you are choosing to remember".

My fwh says the same thing every once in a while and we are five years out. Word for word. And mine does not believe in therapy either!

But here's the thing: Yes, I chose to remember when there are major triggers that upset me. And yes, I tell him. And like you I cannot stop him from doing things that trigger me today.

But I refuse to carry the burden of remembering by myself.

Saying this to end a conversation thrusts the burden back to him: "I trust you will will do the right thing, the choice is yours."

So there it is, he has a choice. The accountability is now on him. Not on you. And what is relevant is his decision knowing darn well this is an issue for you even though he claims not to understand it.

And it may well remain an issue for a long long time.

I’m so sorry for the pain that you’re in, Mlynm.

For what it’s worth, he sounds a lot like my WH: no commitment to figuring out what about him made him willing to do such hurtful and deplorable things, no commitment to helping me deal and heal from his actions, no admission that the problems lie with him and his behavior.

It sounds like he has been waiting for the statute of limitations to run out instead of really accepting the wrongness of what he did. He sees you as the problem: your mistrust, your pain, your memory of what happened. He hasn’t been working to figure out how to be safe—he’s been waiting for the moment when you magically decide that it’s your responsibility to forgive and forget and just trust him. It’s YOUR decision after all. It’s not up to him to make a decision to be a safe and trustworthy partner. He has his fun to consider, after all.

He has put the onus on you. He doesn’t seem to accept any of it. It’s not about him actually having an A; it’s about you CHOOSING to remember that he had one.

To me, all of this would be a big red flag that he has not decided to be a safe partner for you. He just wants to do what he wants to do and not examine any of it.

It’s up to you if you can live with this or not. For me, it was not.

Wishing you peace and strength.

Mlynm:

I am sorry you are here again. I can see from your earlier posts that this has been a continuing issue for you that your WH does not understand or have empathy for all of the pain his infidelity has caused you. You posted as early as July 2018 that your WH wanted to go back to the same golf tournament and he did not get how much his A hurt you. I agree with NowWhat106. He is not remorseful. His actions are very selfish. And it appears his A was more hurtful than just a ONS with someone he met at a bar. He met an exGF. And she had the gall to send you a photo of him on the bed in the hotel which was designed only to hurt you. Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with. What work did your WH do on himself? Or did he just rugsweep? I would have him read: "how to help your spouse heal from your affair", by McDonald to start with. You decide what your boundaries need to be. He has continued to ignore your feelings and act selfishly for six years. Please take care of you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:12 PM, Tuesday, January 9th]

You are not being ridiculous. Your husband needs to realize the hurt that you have been thru and the scars left on your marriage because of that hurt. Telling you it's been long enough and that he's going to do whatever he wants to do, regardless of your feelings is not only selfish, but also very dangerous. An affair needs to be treated the same as alcohol or drug addiction. Once you get away from it, you can not go back down that same road that took you there in the first place.
You were very generous by giving him a second chance. If he does this, he's telling you that he no longer cares about your feelings and is willing to kiss the marriage goodbye.

Completely agree with other posts that he is insensitive and doesn't seem to get the significance of what he did to you and the marriage. Golfing does not have to include going to bars after. Does he go with friends who were aware he had an A? Or does he go with friends you trust? Or alone?

What do you think about putting him in a situation where he might feel just a tiny bit of what you do? Is there any way to do that? I mean something like you going out to a bar with friends without him or taking trips of your own. Or maybe just tell him you are planning a trip to a caribbean beach resort with your single friend and see how he reacts.

The book recommendation posted above might help if he would read it.

This would be a big nope for me too. I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I have a few "forever nopes" on my list too and I am not the least bit apologetic for them.

I do not want this to happen but I can’t stop him. Any advice?

You can only control what YOU do. If you set a boundary, and he refuses to acknowledge or respect that boundary, you get to decide how you will respond to that. You calmly get to explain to your spouse what the consequences will be for his failure to respect your boundaries and he gets to make the decision as to whether he will do so. something like, "Husband you're free to go to all the bars you like, but if you decide to do so knowing how uncomfortable that makes me, I don't think you should come home afterwards. Given our history, I dont feel like this is at all unreasonable and I'm not going argue about whether or not this is reasonable." If his response is something like "you're going to end the marriage over a bar," you can calmly explain that it is HIM that is willing to end the marriage over a bar. He is deciding that the bar is more important to him than your safety in comfort in the marriage which sends a pretty clear message about his respect for you and his priorities in the relationship. THAT is the only ridiculous thing about this. That's not on you. Obviously do not make threats that you are not prepared to follow through on.

I vote with emergent8

actions have consequences - up to you to deliver

So you’ve been married to a selfish remorseless cheater all these years.

So sorry for you.

I agree with emergent also. Great advice.

I was in your shoes for 25 years. I’d ask my H to do a few small things and he wound refuse. Not call if late. Don’t let me know where he is etc.

Beg. Plead. Talk. Explain. Give examples. Nothing worked.

Because he knew I wasn’t going anywhere.

Until dday2 when I had enough of his lying and cheating. I told him I was D him in a very calm rational way. I told him he was free to be w/ the oW or anyone else. Left the room. Gave him no opportunity to respond.

He thought he could sweet talk me. Ha!! Hard 180 & kicked him out and would not speak to him.

We have R. It took him 6 months to get me to calm down. It took me 12 months to not wake up every day thinking "I can’t do this. I need to D him".

Why did he change? Because he had to. Because I wasn’t putting up with one thing from him for another second. I now had all the power. I unilaterally stripped him of any input or decision making when it came to my life.

If I told my H 11 years ago "no" he would wear me down until I gave in. If you told me 10 years ago he would accept my "no" and not try to get his own way I would say you better believe it b/c he knows I will walk out the door in a heartbeat if he disrespects me. (We are 10 years from dday2).

He learned no means no. I take no crap, no lies and no disrespect. He saw a side of me he wished he never saw.

I hope this helps you.

Mlynm, I do tend to agree with what the others have said. I can understand how this would bring back all the bad memories. I would hope he could understand the trauma this causes you. What allowed you to finally feel comfortable with him going out of town for golfing? Is it possible that the two of you to work on this part of how you feel about him going to the bar after golfing? Is there anything he needs to do to help with this situation. I would think that he should feel extremely grateful that you allow him to go on the golfing trips and are able to feel OK with that. Maybe he needs to understand that the out of town golf trips and you being comfortable with that is a lot and he is lucky to have that.

Is he the type of person who would say "ok. Not going to the bar" but do it anyway?

Also I had to learn that it’s not the place or location that really mattered. Yes my H met the OW in a bar. But it could have been on a plane, train, supermarket or standing in line at a bank.

The point you make is a good one — alcohol played a role. He took advantage of an out of town opportunity.

But we all know if a cheater wants to cheat they will. Accepting that is not easy.

PS I think your H disrespecting you is harder to accept.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:50 PM, Saturday, January 13th]

He said its been long enough.

I'm very sorry - but everything you need to know is in this statement right here.