SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I joined SI 4 years ago this week, but was lurking for a month before and fully immersed in the 180 at the time of joining.

Just wanted to share what has been going on in Tanner’s world. We are doing well in R and I’m about 93% healed. I don’t think we ever get to 100 after infidelity because of the scars and pains that remain. Healing is a journey you must travel regardless of the outcome, D or R.

After Dday everything hurt, I was so numb that I took that time to make some major life changes. I was forced out of my comfort zone so when my anger phase hit I changed myself and redirected my life for the better.

I had no fear, the worst thing in the world had happened to me, so I said "Fuck it". I lost 20 pounds right away just from the infidelity diet. I decided to clean up my diet of added sugars, junk food, started working out and lost a total of 50 pounds. When food no longer has a taste it’s not hard to make changes (I was drinking unsweet tea for Gods sake). I have maintained my better-ish eating and have maintained my goal weight for these 4 years. I also grew a bad ass beard, I never had facial hair before, so it was a real change for me, and I love it.

I downsized my business, and became very hands on. I got rid of about 40% of unhealthy revenue, I cut several employees (actually helped transition to a competitor). I cut so much fat and stress from our business, it was very a tough couple of years. We took a major loss in (unhealthy) revenue, and a pay cut while at the same time attacking our debt. We have now regained the lost revenue in a more healthy sector of our business and we are debt free.

A couple of years prior to Dday we sold our house and moved into an RV, looking for land to build on. It was temporary at first but we absolutely love the lifestyle. We have met so many great friends and neighbors, we will probably never go back to sticks and bricks. We don’t have a lot of junk to keep up with and we can clean 400 square feet in a very short time. One other bonus is that I have not touched a lawn mower or paid a mortgage in several years. I have not shared our RV lifestyle publicly on SI but I talk a lot about our neighbors. In this lifestyle you are very close to neighbors and they provide a lot of material.

So here we are, a healthy simplified life, but there was another storm brewing, one we were preparing for without realizing it. We have 15 year old twin boys, one is severely autistic, and non verbal, imagine a small skinny 7 year old that acts like a toddler, that's him. Late last year he started slowly regressing, it was such a slow change we didn’t become concerned until about March. We were getting inconsistent diagnosis from doctors and a few ER visits. He was showing signs of seizures, he could hardly walk and his organ systems stopped working properly. We were losing him, his brain and body were shutting down. We finally found a Dr in April that paved the way for him to be taken seriously in the ER. He was admitted to the hospital immediately and stayed for four and a half months. My W has been by his side this whole time and has not been home since April. We were able to stay in a facility near the hospital but I had to run back and forth keeping his twin going to school and keeping the business running.

Our Son became more stable and really improved but as he improved his aggression increased. They have been working to balance Neuro and Psych meds to improve his behavior. In August he was transferred to a specialty hospital 4 hours away. He will remain there until March 2024, he is doing really well running up and down the halls, its just that the medication requires, monitoring his vitals several times a day, and he is also getting special therapies. My W is staying in an extended stay hotel, to be near him, I work 4 days and go visit them 3 days a week.

With all this stress and worry in our lives, I am thankful that we took the time to downsize and rearrange our lives, not knowing what was to come. I give zero credit to infidelity, that is part of our story that I wish never existed. It was taking lemons and making lemonade (sugar free of course). All the credit goes to a methodical healing journey, a committed remorseful W, and the great folks here on SI.

So the question is, my W is in a stressful situation, alone, staying in a hotel 250 miles away. Do I trust her? I do, not blindly, but I’m not triggered at all. We have been through hell and back, she has been solid in R, is a great advocate for our Son, we make a great team in his care.

Tanner, I’m so glad to hear of the solid marriage that you have rebuilt with Mrs. Tanner. You guys have been going through so much with your son and to be able to heal and rebuild while navigating all that is really impressive.

I hope for your son’s continued improvement, and that your marriage remains solid and enriching. And thank you for sticking around and helping so many others.

Thank you for the update, Tanner. You’re about a year ahead of me in terms of your Dday, and I always learn from your insights and appreciate your posts about your journey. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough row to hoe with your son. My prayers are with you and your family, and I hope he stabilizes and that you all are able to be together again.

Double post

[This message edited by zebra25 at 12:53 PM, Thursday, December 7th]

Prayers for your son and family. Life has thrown so much at you and you've handled it with such strength. Thanks for guiding and supporting others through their healing.

Tanner I am always so overwhelmed with the things parents of severely autistic kids do and go through. You guys are amazing.
I'm also glad to hear that your life is good. Different but good. We have a 5th wheel and love it and when Covid started we left home for many weeks at a time to be able to fish and work remotely. I 100% could give up the house that mostly sits empty since my birds have flown. I get it.
Thank you for this update may your son co tinue to heal and get stronger. March will be here before you know it.

We have a 5th wheel and love it and when Covid started we left home for many weeks at a time to be able to fish and work remotely. I 100% could give up the house that mostly sits empty since my birds have flown. I get it.

When we decided to make it more or a permanent lifestyle we upgraded to 5th wheel, 2 bedroom 2 bath, washer dryer and residential fridge. We have everything we had in our home just not as much stresss.

Tushnurse, I really need to meet you over in OT and share our horror story with this hospital. We are meeting with the CEO this morning and making a formal complaint. We are very close to involving the authorities, I will share this at another time, but my W is an absolute warrior.

I’m a believer that things happen for a reason, both good and bad. We can’t always see or understand it, especially at the time.

You have simplified your life. You and your wife have better communication and a stronger bond that has prepared you for this time apart from each other while you focus on your boys. Those strengths aren’t part of your life because of the past but rather in spite of it.

You both are such strong and wonderful people. Just don’t forget to rest and breathe every now and then.

Congratulations!

I'm so glad that your son is doing well and that your marriage is thriving despite the turmoil. Man, I hope the hospital with which you have the issue isn't the one where your son is currently a patient.

We're planning on downsizing in the coming months and considered living in our 20ft RV while we build, but we're both worried that it isn't enough room and that we'll end up hating the RV when it's all over. 20ft is probably too small to keep us sane, eh? lol

we're both worried that it isn't enough room and that we'll end up hating the RV when it's all over. 20ft is probably too small to keep us sane, eh? lol

The outdoors is your living room, you will go crazy trying to sit inside. We use our outdoor TV for Sports, and have our fire pit going most evenings, Well prior to April anyway.

Sadly the current hospital is the problem, it is a very bad situation. We met with the CEO and head of nursing today and made an official complaint. I am letting the Administration handle this last incident, but in the future we will be calling the authorities.

Tanner if the facility is failing unsafe etc authorities that are going to make a difference is the the state. So please keep that in mind. Each state has a little different reporting system so look it up and know who and what beeds to be said.
Additionally you need to determine if the facility is part of a conglomerate or system determine who their president is and how to make formal complaints to their Board of Directors. Otherwise it gets buried. Risk management may or may not implement change with an internal complaint the big wigs earning a check though they need to know what's up.

Sounds like you have weathered the marital storm which is good as it puts you in a position to devote your energy to getting your son as healthy as he can be. I have friends with Autistic children. It’s a challenge and I commend you.

I'm happy about your recovery, your R, your rationalizing your biz, your happiness with your lifestyle, the way you and your family have rallied around your son. I read all that as a growth of love. My heart goes out to your family - I'm so sorry your son is undergoing his illness, and I hope the hospital cleans up its act.

Hospital debacle aside, this is a good update.

All of us find a level of strength we didn’t know we had to recover from the trauma of infidelity, but the added challenges and adversity you are conquering — I find extremely impressive and inspiring.

I hope your son gets the proper medical care he needs and that your healing continues.

Thank you all for your replies, every one of you have been influential in our healing journey.

T/J

I'm seeing so many "I'm back" threads, it's really triggering. As hard as this current situation is with our Son, I still have not had anything in my life as hard as infidelity, including losing my beloved Dad 3 years ago. It is the absolute worse thing a committed partner can do to a loved one. But to go through the work, claim to be changed, and then cheat again is just unconscionable. I just cannot imagine how hard that hits.

Recently I had to go help a single lady neighbor fix something on her RV (she is a good friend of ours), she offered me something to eat. I called my W first and told her what I was doing and just wanted her to know first. She said "I wouldn't have thought anything about it". That was awesome to hear knowing she's not on alert, she's never been cheated on so it doesn't register any alarms. Us BS can never go back to that freedom of not seeing things through the lens of betrayal.

Just a thought I wanted to share without jacking someone else's thread.

End T/J

Not quite to the first anniversary, so I really appreciate your comment that healing is not about getting to 100%. We also had a child with intensive medical needs, so I identify with your post in that respect, too. Trust is an act of courage. Thank your for reminding me it is worth it to take the risk and be brave.

Not quite to the first anniversary, so I really appreciate your comment that healing is not about getting to 100%.

I can tell you that for me the first year was a blur, but at about the 1 year mark I was getting my self esteem back, shock was wearing off and I was seeing the reality of it all. My Dad got sick at the 10 month mark, came home on hospice, my W was so good to my parents, she spent so much time at their house helping them, cook, clean, run errands, give medications, etc. She showed me that she was no longer selfish and that was the turning point in rebuilding some trust. We had a pretty rough 2nd year but nothing like year 1.

Thanks for sharing. Recovery is a journey, and it’s reassuring to hear that I am in a good palace one year in. It’s a hard truth to grasp, but someone can love you and betray you. You can love the person who betrayed you. There can be a second marriage after recovering. I hope that is the path I am on.