Hello!
This is my second post here. My DDay is very recent, just 5 weeks ago. Obviously, I’m still in complete shock that I am here and that this has even happened. I never thought that in a million years we would be this kind of couple that would have to worry about infidelity (I guess never say never).
Reflecting on these past weeks, I feel like already so much has happened that I’m not able to process it all effectively. I know that it’s still extremely early, but at the same time it feels like this nightmare has been in play for years! My emotions are all over the place and I hate it. I hate that one minute I’m fine and the next I’m so angry - anger is the strongest emotion I am experiencing right now.
I used to judge people in my shoes and would shake my head at those who chose to stay in a relationship/marriage where infidelity has taken place. Well let me tell you, I will never judge anybody who is in a situation like this ever again. I’ve also learned that every marriage/situation is different, every relationship is different and what works for you might not work for someone else.
With that being said, my initial reaction on D-Day was automatic D, like how am I supposed to ever forgive and trust someone who could betray me in such an awful way!? After talking with my WH and getting things figured out as much as they can be right now, I have a better understanding/more clear understanding of what/why it happened.
I won’t get into the nitty gritty of my marriage issues for this particular post, other than that it was not in a good place and we were in a toxic state for such a long time.
Anyways … the reason for this particular post is how can I start to move forward in R (at least I think this is what I want, I think this is achievable given our situation, but of course I have doubts like anyone would). I’m having such a hard time actually wrapping my head around that this has happened, that my husband made the choices he did and that he has come to some sort of realization how important his family is to him and that he doesn’t want to lose us.
Over the course of these weeks (I know it’s not a long time and that he has forever to go), I can see that he wants to change and be a better husband/father. He’s been putting in the time and effort with us, whereas he made himself his number one priority before all of this. Again, his efforts and mentality is kinda frustrating in some ways, because it took him straying from his family to make him realize what he had or what he could potentially lose?! Like I don’t get it?!
I know that to successfully move forward with R that I cannot "throw" his mistakes/choices into his face. I’m not gonna lie, I feel like I’ve done this pretty much daily since DDay - part of the reason is that I’m processing it all and the other part is I want to reiterate to him how badly he’s hurt me/his children. We are both emotionally exhausted, I would like to believe that he has answered my questions honestly (some TT has happened) and has willingly shared additional information I never asked for.
How can I stop "throwing this in his face" because it’s not healthy for me or him. I obviously still need to talk about it as I feel it helps me process my emotions. Any tips on how to not "throw it" in his face everyday or any suggestions on how to effectively talk about? There is no yelling or screaming or anything like that, but I’m a very sarcastic person and I am forever making digs at him whenever I get the chance - again I know this isn’t the right thing to do either and I need to stop this behaviour.
He also has mentioned that while he knows that it needs to be talked about, he’s asked if maybe there could be a day here and there where we can "take a break" and not talk about it. Again, I get it and understand where he is coming from, but it is literally all I think about. I also feel kinda weird just talking about normal day things/life - I almost feel like we are rug sweeping when we talk about things other than his infidelity. I know that it’s not what we are doing, but I still feel like this is minimizing what happened in some way.
Ok. Now I’m just rambling. Truly looking for advice I’m how to slowly start to move forward. What helped you/didn’t help you. I’m so nervous and scared of the unknown.