SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been about one month. Husband went to massage parlors for happy endings repeatedly from 2016-2021. He has been doing therapy and attending a men's group on his own since 2019 to deal with the problem.He recently told me about the happy endings after I asked if he had been faithful. He said that he was waiting for the kids to leave for college to deal with all of this. He previously engaged in massage parlors with his ex wife and has a history of being cheated on and cheating. I have been away for a week which was wonderful to feel more peace and perspective and betrayer husband was away for five days fishing. When he is home I feel totally stressed and unsafe. I think I am feeling unsafe as I feel like I am living with a stranger. This person I trusted is a lier. We have started seeing a counselor (probably too soon) for discernment therapy. Therapist suggested we act like roommates at this time. I keep thinking that a temporary separation where we each live at the house for certain days during the week and maybe see each other for one date per week would be the best thing for my mental health. I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop him from going to massage parlors. I am too exhausted to be hyper vigilant. I worry though that if we separate now that there will be little chance for reconciliation.

In my experience and seeing what happens on the board here, separation is often, but not always, a precursor to divorce. However, if you need your space to figure out what you want, then you definitely should do what's best for your own emotional health.

What has your husband done to ensure that his behaviour stops and to make amends to the marriage?

Ultimately, separation isn't what causes divorce. Divorce occurs when one partner doesn't want to work on the marriage. One partner alone can't reconcile a marriage, no matter how hard they try, much the same as one wheel can't drive a bicycle alone.

There is nothing you can do to stop him from going to massage parlours. That is his choice to make. Whether he wants to or not is up to him. You can only control your choices, one of those being whether you want to stay in the marriage or not.

If you haven't already, read up about the 180 in the Healing Library:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/?FAQ=11
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

The 180 is a fundamental shift. It presents a means for taking control back over your life, respecting your needs and boundaries, and rebuilding towards a healthier future and more enriching relationships. You can do this with or without him - you're moving forward with your life and it's up to him if he wants to try to earn his way back into your life by taking serious action to fix his failings and deal with his issues and inner demons.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he's a serial cheater, and they are notoriously bad at changing for the better. There are groups in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum that may help you find some insight.

No, you can't stop him from going to massage parlors. It also sounds like he isn't doing the work in his group, either. Does he have an accountability partner?

He needs some intensive IC (individual counseling) to get to his whys and to work on being a safe partner. Also, you would probably benefit from IC with a betrayal trauma specialist. Bonus points if they do EMDR or infidelity.

A separation may be a therapeutic separation - intended to give you some space while you get some healing. Take this time to decide what you want from a relationship and determine if your WH (wayward husband) is capable of being the person you need. I gave myself 6 month increments to review where our relationship was, with the hard boundary of no inappropriate actions with another person.

Do what works for you. SerJR is right about the 180, it does give you some emotional separation so you can evaluate the relationship without the rose colored glasses.

I think that there is a mindset among some cheaters that a separation means they are "free to do whatever".

A separation does not mean it leads to a Divorce. Hopefully it allows both parties to obtain counseling and figure out what is best for each of them.