Friend, I am so very sorry for the intense pain and anguish you are experiencing. Its excruciating, I know. There is nothing like being hurt like this by the one person youve let into your heart, the one person youve trusted with your very being. One BH said that its like being stabbed in the back, through the heart with a poisoned blade...I concur.
Youve received tremendous tactical advice here on steps you can take to get more clarity as to the truth of what happened, if thats what you still desire. The fact that your WW is protecting the ID of the her AP, is a clear sign she is nowhere near true remorse IMO. You are wise not to believe her.
I cant tell you what to do, but I will share a bit of my story. Like you, I was betrayed when our children were young. My wife was beautiful and fit. We were both working, albeit I worked many more hours per week than she did. She betrayed me with my then best friend. The pain was the worse thing Id ever experienced in my life, and Id experienced a lot if emotional pain during my fractured upbringing.
To make a long story short, I chased a dead/dying dream for ten miserable years. Oh, I told myself many things like, "Itll get better sometime" (never did), "The pain will fade" (It did some, but not enough), "I need to do this for my kids" (they were negatively impacted by the tension between us for years), and other things to try and justify in my mind all of my failing efforts. Much of what I did was to rugsweep, but as you now know, I couldnt rugsweep the worse trauma I had ever experienced. The pair-bond was severed, I just didnt want to accept it. I never saw her the same again. What had made her special to me was gone and never returned. She was an acquaintance that I lived with and happened to know a lot about.
I lived with deep regret for years that I did not break it off and divorce that first year. I think I did a huge disservice to both of us by not doing so. Had I moved to D, I believe I would have been able to heal much sooner and then build a new life with someone else worthy of my love and trust. No garuntees, I understand, but if I were to be hurt again, at least it would be by someone who had not hurt me before.
I am now remarried and have been happily so for over 2 decades. She too is a survivor of a brutal betrayal. Weve built a wonderful life together.
Listen, I am not saying that R is not possible. My story is not universal in its application by any means but if there is anything helpful or instructive to you, it will have been worth recounting.
Strength and clarity to you sir.
[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:05 PM, Tuesday, January 3rd]