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I think it's human nature to give more weight to the first version of a story you are told, and if your wife is viewed as a saint incapable of such actions, your side of the story may not be believed.

Wise words.

I would strongly suggest that when you talk to your Bishop that you already know that whatever you are stating is truth. You want guidance with that truth, rather than guidance on what might be the truth.

Like – you could start the conversation with "Bishop – My wife is having an affair with OM" rather than "Bishop – I suspect…" or "I think…" or "could my wife be…"
Start with a statement and not a question. This is what’s happening – how do you suggest I respond?

More wise words.

I see the primary benefit of speaking with your Bishop as strategic with respect to your relationship with the church. Get out ahead of it and launch the narrative from your perspective, before she does it from hers. To that end, I agree that no more than 24 hours before your confrontation is prudent.

Also, don't let yourself get bullied into rug-sweeping. My observation of churches is that they tend to be almost a third party in these matters, also acting in a self-interested fashion. In many cases, that means scrambling to preserve the public image of the church community as consisting of pious individuals each committed to the sanctity of marriage and family. Infidelity and divorce are both anathema to this image, and therefore churches want to avoid publicly visible examples of both. If the divorce can be avoided by badgering the parishioners to rug-sweep infidelity, my observation is that religious organizations tend to push for that outcome.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 12:35 PM, Thursday, December 8th]

^^^^^^^^ This.

Unfortunately, over the decades this is what I have seen in our own church. In fact, two of the adulterers happened to be youth ministers. Of course, their affairs did not happen at the same time... happened about 12 years apart. It did not matter. Church leaders tried to keep each affair out of sight. It is sad that they put the church image ahead of truly helping these poor betrayed wives... rugsweeping at its finest.

Just wanted to add something.

One of the youth minister's wives moved straight to divorce. They had 4 children... 2 teenagers and 2 pre-teens. She left the church and our community. I saw her some time later in another town having dinner with a man I did not know. She seemed happy. I spoke to her and she seemed happy that I did. She was teaching school in a different school district and seemed to be getting on with her life.

The other wife is in reconciliation. I see her each Sunday in service. She never seems to smile anymore. They have a pre-school son. I hope she can become happy again.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 5:37 PM, Thursday, December 8th]

I know that religious leaders/organizations advocating for rugsweeping/reconciliation at all costs is incredibly common, but I just wanted to share my experience because it does differ.

When I was begging my now-ex for MC, he insisted that counselor be Catholic (as we are). Our priest recommended a deacon who was also a certified psychologist and marriage counselor. My ex probably assumed that this deacon, who appeared to be in his late 70s, would tell me to be a good, dutiful wife and keep my mouth shut.

The experience did not go as my ex expected. Even though ex insisted his affairs weren't physical, the deacon told him he was still committing infidelity by putting his "friendships" with other women ahead of his marital covenant with me. My ex then went off on a tirade about my many failings a wife, primarily my poor housekeeping skills. The deacon said, "It seems like you're harboring a lot of anger and resentment toward your wife," which just made my ex more irate.

At this point, I was sobbing and dropped the clump of tissues I was holding. Ex pointed at them and said, "See?!", as this was evidence of what a mess I am.

The deacon calmly picked up the tissues and said, "It's no trouble at all to pick up these tears." My ex stormed out, and the deacon said he was so sorry that I was being put through so much pain, which he said I clearly didn't deserve. Needless to say, the fact that this man had more warmth and compassion toward me than my own husband was a big wake-up call.

The point of this story is that if your Bishop/religious counselor takes the wellbeing of his congregants seriously and places a high value on the obligations and responsibilities that spouses owe to each other within a marriage, they could be a source of support and a valuable ally during this ordeal. Just a thought.

BluerthanBlue

That story is beautiful. What a wonderful human being. My faith in humanity is restored!

I am from a religious background. I’ve seen a mixed bag from the church in terms of responses to infidelity and sexual misconduct, but I think on balance it’s best to approach your bishop with what’s going on (though serving divorce papers at church is a bad idea IMO). For what it’s worth, I have two friends in recent years who’ve dealt with infidelity and had good support in their religious communities; one is LDS, and the other is conservative Protestant. It sounds like your wife is in cloud cuckoo land, and you need all the support you can get. If you trust your bishop, I think it’s worth approaching him. There’s no guarantee it’ll turn out well; these situations are complicated and you never know how they’ll develop. But it’s worth giving your religious community an opportunity to stand with you and with your children and to help you navigate this nightmare. And on a more pragmatic note, it’s better to get out in front of whatever crazed fantasy narrative your wife and her poor, deranged, manipulated child of an AP might spin.

That said, going to your bishop should in no way, shape, or form replace legal counsel and your own gut and common sense.

The only reason I suggest letting at least a few people know at church is that - rightly or wrongly - we tend to blame men when marriages fall apart. Just wanting him to protect himself!

Hi OC,

All the best as you prepare to confront your wife and this young man.
Many of us here here thinking of and praying for you.

Is there anything else that you want to talk about before you confront?
FAWH

Hope you're safe and ok OC. Sending support.

Oxford, are you still with us? How are things going?

Checking in to see how you are holding up.

All of us have walked in your shoes, you are probably still in shock and cannot believe that this is your life right now.

Stay focused.

How are you doing? You will have to confront her and that young POS sooner that later. But only after you lawyer says so.
One day at a time.

About a week before thanksgiving, she blew up at me as we were going to bed because I had put my arm on her stomach under her shirt to snuggle the night before. She was irrationally angry about it and threatened not to let me sleep in our bed anymore if I did it again. That night I couldn't sleep.

Apologies if this has already been addressed. I read through the comments, didn't see it, but could have missed something.

Is there any chance your WS is pregnant now?

Good question ^^^^^
One day at a time

Take care Oxford.

May light and love surround you this Christmas. I'm praying for you.

Oxford, it's been 21 days since you last posted are you still with us Brother?

Hi everyone! I'm still here, just dealing with... a lot right now. The holidays have not made things easier. My impulse is always to withdraw from the world during difficult times, but it means the world to me that you've all continued to check in and show that you care. On top of everything at home, work has been crazy too (not bad-crazy, just challenging and demanding), and staying focused is more challenging than ever.

I'll post a real update soon, but in the meantime, I want to thank everyone again for all the advice and concern! Rereading this thread, others, and the healing library has helped keep me sane while I navigate these early stages. I wish none of us had ever needed it, but I'm glad this community is here for those of us that do.

So glad you checked in, Oxford.

We are supporting you no matter what is happening. Keep taking care of yourself!

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 7:45 PM, Thursday, December 29th]

Thanks for checking in. Sending strength and support.

Sending strength and support to you and your children and family.

Hi OC,
It's a relief to hear that you are going OK.
We appreciate that this is a painful and confusing experience, with many competing challenges and demands, and times of pain and numbness.

I hope that you are experiencing some peace over this Christmas/holiday period and finding your way forward,
Regards,
FAWH