Have been sorta away from SI for a bit, but long time member. Took my time reading thru your post and along with many here I am so sorry you are a part of this club that no one wants to be a part of, but I do agree with what you said in a previous post, SI is an amazing tool, truly amazing. The insight you get from so many is invaluable. The horrible agonizing pain you are going thru now can truly only be shared by those who have walked this long dark path. I hope you know that so many mean well when they post, it can be painful because you are still in shock, even at 2 months out. You will weave in and out of it for quite awhile, so I do agree that finding a way to concentrate on yourself (I know it is damn hard to do right now but we just keep saying it) find an outlet of some kind that allows you a breather, join an exercise class, find someone who maybe likes to go on walks or runs (if that is what you might like to do) join some weird class you always wanted to do, find a friend or 2 that you have not seen in awhile and go out for coffee or a lunch or just something, anything that gives you a moment to step out of the madness, cuz it will be there when you get back trust me. When we have been blindsided it is absolutely normal to try to figure out how the heck this all happened right under our noses, and you will find yourself swirling around whatever it is you think your WS may or may not do, how to manage it somehow and yet still sit there puzzled that this all took place around you and you did not see it. Trust me, we all have been there. That is exactly what infidelity is all about. The secret life, the lies, the manipulation for the WS to keep YOU and their secret life. He wanted you, trust me. But not in the healthy way you loved and wanted him. It is sad to say cuz I am not going to diminish your love for him because you were absolutely the best part of what he had, but you were also the shield, the ideal world he needed to hold up so that no one would figure out what he was doing behind EVERYONES back, not just yours.
My mind goes to how I still do not know how many years my WH did this behind my back, by the time I found out and now in hindsight I feel it was going on for a long long long time, I am smart very capable woman who raised 2 wonderful sons, it is part of the reason I logically convinced myself that I could manage it somehow, with you just being 2 months out.....gosh I was a complete mess, so that is why people are saying you are doing OK, even though you don't feel that way at all. You are at least listening, absorbing, taking what works and discarding some, that's all OK in you will knock out your own journey in this whole shitstorm.
15 years or more for all you know. Its just crazy making. The amount of money it took to keep up the charade, I am sure your attorney has suggested you look into all of your finances, credit cards, retirement accounts, etc.... just to see how possibly bad this got. Then as you said, the amount of sex he had whether it was protected or unprotected and then coming home to you and having sex as well....same happened to me, I did end up getting STD's that I somehow was in denial about "at that time" as I just could not wrap my head around it. Sadly I am admitting that, its embarrassing to talk about and it took awhile for me to be able to do so, like I said....just the whole rabbit hole of how bad it is just will make us crawl in a ball and moan with the pain of it.
So for that reason everyday will be a battle field, its REALLY hard to wrap around the fact that they come across as a "nice guy". I had this illusion (I know, stupid on my part) that I would just KNOW if I had a cheater, or a cheater would be really mean to me, or be a wife beater or a drug addict or something like that....nope. His mask he kept on for the world and also me was to show how NICE he was, I learned much later how CRUTIAL it was for him to look like the nice guy, he needed that. He has people at his work who LOVE him, think he is a great guy. "I" thought he was a great guy or what I imagined my life was that I felt it was all going along pretty well, until I found out and his whole mask came off. He also would never tell me the whole story or as many on here have talked about, how they DARVO around the whole thing and you come out never knowing anything or only as much as they will drip out. Shocker of shocks. For sure.
Anyway, you will do whatever it is you will do cuz you can only take this stuff minute by minute, day by day. Your eyes and brain will open more with time, I think the shock of it all puts us into some kind of "protection" mode where we can only digest so much, it just becomes too much for a BS to take in if they really did not know. I know others have said this and you understood it, he has had 15+ yrs on you and he knows the whole story, he knows who he is.... just be very careful as the "nice guy" you have had in front of you can change on a dime when he finally gets to a point where he realizes (truly realizes, he is in his own denial right now) that this whole thing is falling apart and not just that he lost his marriage but that his whole mask will be ripped off and how he portrays who he is to the outside world. Too many of us have seen it on here, a WS like yours and many others on here has kept this life, they LIKED IT, don't forget that, it is very much like a drug to them, like an addict he is no where near to understanding what this has done to you, he only wants to keep his "fix" and his lifestyle he had.
I just want to quote what Truthsetsmefree said below, pretty wise person along with many others on here:
So many of us who have been married to partners like your WH have been shocked at how we see things in retrospect. Not by just what our WSs did but more so by how stupid we later feel for not being able to see it. It all seems so obvious in hindsight. But that’s the value of NC. It doesn’t just break us free from all the shitty behavior….it breaks us free from all the "kind" and "nice" things that hid that shitty behavior. It’s why you sometimes just want your WH to hold and comfort you, to go back to that man you once believed him to be. That "nice guy" is the pain-killer, the numbing agent…the masker for the cancer that’s the actual source of the rot that lies beneath. MC is just another opportunity for him to hold the chloroform soaked rag to your face. And right now, it’s the only avenue he can find. To really put yourself in an advantageous position, it’s less a matter of fighting off the effects of the chloroform…and more a matter of showing him he can no longer coax you into meeting with him in dark alleys.
Its hard to hear I know but they use it and it has worked on us for many years, so he will keep going to it. I know as I lived thru it as well. So raising my hand sadly, been there, done that. Again so sorry you have to take this journey as well. Take care of yourself.
[This message edited by realitybites at 12:24 PM, Monday, October 31st]